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AIBU?

To leave DP because I can't cope with his brother?

97 replies

LyonRoar · 08/10/2015 21:44

He has just thrown a glass at me (I moved out of the way and it didn't hit me) and when I went to stop him hurting himself, he spat in my face. This isn't the first time. I just can't cope anymore and I'm worried he is going to hurt my DS's. I don't think he would do it deliberately but when he is angry he just flips out.

I love DP and I do want to be with him, I just don't feel like I can put my kids through this. My eldest heard the shouting and it woke him up. I'm now upstairs in my room with him, trying not to cry while he watches TV.

BIL lives with us full time. He's angry, bad tempered, violent, doesn't sleep and will not eat. He refuses to go to school and just seems so unhappy. He had an awful childhood living with his mum and step dad and social services removed him from there care when he was 9. His dad was in prison at the time, and after a few months in foster care he moved in with my partner (there is 20 years between them, so DP was old enough/in a position to take him in). He has problems since then, but they don't seem to be getting any better, only worse.

I love DP and I do care for his brother, I just can't cope with this anymore. I am supposed to be getting married in April, its the last thing I want to do right now. School are useless, the doctors won't help and DP is struggling with him. I don't know what to do!!

OP posts:

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Greengardenpixie · 08/10/2015 22:31

You are then not leaving your dp but giving them both space. You can still support but not stay there? Not sure if its your house or what your circumstances are financially in that respect. If its your house then get them to seek somewhere until things settle down.

ihatethecold · 08/10/2015 22:35

Op. I had the same issues without the violence with my son. It was heartbreaking.
We also had 2 younger children and I honestly felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
We found counselling to be useless.
SS said they won't help unless we were abusing him!!
He ended up getting his education in a pupil referral unit.
Do you have a point of contact at SS?

Corygal · 08/10/2015 22:38

He's bloody ill, and I don't think he's in the right place for any of you. Least of all you - hurling glasses at you won't suddenly cure him.

Push, push and push again for hospital referral or secure residential care.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 08/10/2015 22:53

I have found CAMHS to be as useful as a chocolate teapot. You need to have a serious talk with your partner, can you honestly carry on like this until his brother is 18? It sounds like he's come from an awful place, but that doesn't mean that you and your children should live in an awful situation for the next few years. You are perfectly in your right to walk away from this - does not mean you're walking away from your partner. Is SS involved, or are they being their usual 'well he's been looked after by family, not our problem' selves? Does he at least have a support worker?

I am sorry for all of you, I can understand the background that has lead your BIL is lashing out - it never means it's ok for him to take it out on you or your partner who've taken him in. He needs to know that this is not ok, and he will only make things worse for himself if he's insistant on destroying on what he's been given by you and your partner. There's a line between being compassionate and being a doormat.

Maryz · 08/10/2015 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jamtartandcustard · 08/10/2015 23:08

you don't have to split up with dp to move out. you can still be in a relationship whilst living apart and it sounds like that is what might be best.
explain to dp that you are concerned about the effect on your children. they need safety, even if BIL never hurts them, them listening to him shouting and seeing him throwing glasses at you is not acceptable. you need to leave, give dp and bil their space to work through this time. make an appointment with bil's gp and get him some counselling. stay supportive, dp probably really needs you - it cant be hard having to take in a very angry and damaged child to care for at such a young age. what a tough situation to be in

Mrsjayy · 08/10/2015 23:10

This sounds horrible for everybody the poor kid is lashing out has obvious mental health problems and you and your own kids are dealing with it , thing is he will be an adult soon and more than likely end up in prison. I dont know what to say have you tried a childrens charity like barnados i know the branch near us have after care for kids who come out of care, I cant believe nobody is helping you its a bloody disgrace.

PaddingtonStareBare · 09/10/2015 00:30

My deepest sympathies for you, this can't be an easy situation at all.

Personally I wouldn't have my DC's around an influence lime that this biy needs help and your DP can possibly (is ?) helping but your job is to your two boys and I wouldn't stay.

Floppy5885 · 09/10/2015 00:55

Can you stay together but live separately for a few years

NanaNina · 09/10/2015 01:06

The voice of reason maryz and I know you have personal experience of this sort of behaviour. There aren't any easy answers and social services just don't have the resources to offer any help, and yes I have never met a good CAHMS worker though that might be unfair. I think there are some assumptions being made in some posts - someone said this boy clearly has SENs but we don't know that and even if he does, at 15 going on 16 the school is not going to be doing any assessments.

The boy is angry because of the trauma he suffered and it sounds like he has an eating disorder, and possibly a mental health issue. I wonder if he has been seen by a GP about these issues. But there are some good things, you say he is lovely with the little boys, and this is the first time he has been violent.

I do hope you don't leave but it's going to be a long haul as your BIL is not going to be able to live independently for several years I imagine. Posting in teenagers is a good idea.

ThisOldFool · 09/10/2015 02:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 09/10/2015 03:06

Leave these losers to themselves

Fucking stupid post! This is her partner who has taken in his younger relative to raise and a damaged and abused child. How dare you call them losers?

Op, you'll not get any immediate help from camhs. If you are in England then you need to get social services involved and get a child in need plan for him. To be honest the solutions are probably either you move out for a few years with the kids or he goes into residential care. Your children are at risk.

ThisOldFool · 09/10/2015 03:19

Obsidian. You're right. I misread the thread and have asked MN to delete. Hold my hands up to that one. Apologies.

Senpai · 09/10/2015 04:55

Right now he might be lovely because the boys are small and not threatening enough to trigger him. What happens when those boys get bigger and they're not at the age where you have to be in the same room as them? At best they'll resent you for never getting a lick of privacy because you'll always need to be on top of them like a hawk. At worst, it only takes one time to trigger a rage attack to scar them and make them anxious about angering people.

If he has PTSD it's going to be an uphill battle the rest of his life. He may never be able to live on his own, and in the mean time your boys will become targets of abuse if something isn't done either for him or your situation.

But you need to get the boys out of there.

Homebird8 · 09/10/2015 05:24

If it is PTSD then it may well respond to EMDR if he will do it. I have seen amazingly quick response to this treatment in my own DS who was diagnosed with PTSD aged 11. If it is that then the eating and the anger and violence issues should abate once the root cause is treated.

PTSD can be caused in so many ways and it doesn't have to be the military or sexual violence issues we often hear of. It can be childbirth, or bullying, or witnessing an accident, or anything else that we are not equipped to process.

EMDR works quickly in a matter of a few hour long sessions and the effects are ongoing.

OP, PM me if you want to know more.

FishWithABicycle · 09/10/2015 05:47

I think you and the younger kids should move out but don't break up with your dp. Be "together apart" and have regular dates with one another but you have to protect your young kids and dp needs to focus on his brother for now. Think of it as an investment - if your dp can focus on his brother and getting him some help, maybe in 3 years brother will have moved out and be capable of coping with life. Then you can get married and move back in.

GruntledOne · 09/10/2015 06:03

Have Social Services done a core assessment and is there a care plan in place? If not, get your DP to ask for one immediately and push for respite care and proper social care support. It also sounds as if he should have an Education Health and Care Plan in place if the school can't cope with him in school. Contact IPSEA or SOS SEN to find out about it.

Purplepoodle · 09/10/2015 07:45

barnardoes are amazing. Any health professional can refer. They will work with u in your home with teen too, but are great support for helping you with strategies too

wannabestressfree · 09/10/2015 07:53

If you can find my thread on here I had similar issue with my son and he ended up in hospital for a long time. You really really have to push though to have him assessed - my son wouldn't play ball either. I refused to have him at home etc because I knew he was ill. If you want anymore advice then pm me

MythicalKings · 09/10/2015 08:10

Please get your DCs away from this boy. There is already one damaged DC in the household, don't let there be more.

Chewbecca · 09/10/2015 08:10

I think you should move out with the children, without splitting from your DP. Try to keep things as nice as possible between you & give your DC a happy home. Give DP time and space to deal with his brother without needing to worry about the impact of his DB's behaviour on his own children.
When the phase has passed, & it will change with time, you and DP can focus on getting your relationship back on track.

Best of luck.

BoskyCat · 09/10/2015 08:15

Agree you don't have to leave DP, but make separate living arrangements. You live with your DC, he lives with his brother (in small flats if necessary) and he visits you regularly/comes to do childcare etc without his brother.

You can plan to live together later if and when BIL is an adult and becomes independent. (Plus accessing all the help others have recommended.)

It is simply about giving your DC a calm and happy life, which is important. But if you split up, DP would still have access and presumably want to have the DC at his, so there would still be the brother to worry about. Talk to DP about a plan you can all manage.

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Maryz · 09/10/2015 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eddielizzard · 09/10/2015 08:32

i agree with maryz 100%.

i think moving out isn't the best. but you do need help with how to deal with this. he sounds like he is crying out for help and doesn't have the resources within himself to cope.

do post in teenagers. you aren't alone and there is lots of great advice there.

SecretWineBox · 09/10/2015 08:37

Has everyone missed the fact that her DP is the father of her children?

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