To be fed up with my MIL and her rude advice?

[Givinguph0pe]

Tetchy relationship with mil for many reasons, mainly because she is very attention seeking and demanding and has been difficult since ds was born 6 years ago.

Ds was a tricky baby, he had a traumatic birth, was prem and had colic and reflux. He was not a good sleeper to say the very least. I'm now pregnant again. Saw MIL at the weekend and conversation went as follows:

Mil: you spoilt him that's why he wouldn't sleep.
Me: you can't spoil a baby.
Mil: you should have just left him to cry.
Me: you can leave a newborn to cry.
Mil: well that's what I'll be doing when I have dc2. They've got to learn.
Me: not when they're newborn!
Mil: suit yourself, don't learn from your mistakes then. You obviously went wrong somewhere last time. I had four babies and they all slept beautifully.
Me (sadly only thinking it): fuck off!

Who on earth does she think she is? My parents would never ever speak to dh like that. Why does she think it's ok to say 'I obviously went wrong somewhere.'
She is full of such scathing comments. Oh and she used to call herself 'mummy' when ds was a baby. As in 'come to mummy.'
Cannot stand it!

[WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant]

YANBU.

She would get on well mith my "exmil"(we never actually married, but had dcs together)

When ds was a baby, he had eventually settled on me in her over-heated room. She suggested 'turning the fire up in case he is cold', and moving him somewhere else, so he gets used to waking up in a different place.

She also can't manage a simple instruction 'please hold his hand, he is unsteady on wonky ground' (only been walking a week). Walks him down the garden. 30 seconds later, she is screaming at me an ex to pick him up,off the broken slab with blood flying out of his head. Perfect for Xmas pictures.

Also trying to feed ds (3 months) Xmas cake.

Or wine as a toddler.

Ah well, I suppose we should be thankful that she got up, away from the tv when we visited.

Rant over. You are not alone. Remember, you and your dp are responsible for your dcs. Unless you are paying nursery/childminder etc.

[WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant]

And what my favourite says. 100 times over!

[Isitchristmasyet4]

Well said favourite

[Baconyum]

Aye give her a taste of her own medicine!

[hackmum]

She sounds appalling. The MiL who doesn't want her DiL to breastfeed because it's "selfish" or she wants to feed the baby herself seems to crop up regularly on MN and they really creep me out. Who on earth thinks like that?

I think there are three ways you can deal with it really - the confrontational approach (actively disagreeing with her, calling her out on her rudeness etc), which might make you feel briefly better, but will cause bad feeling long-term.

• the non-confronational approach of smiling, nodding etc. Wendy Cope has a poem called Men and their boring arguments in which she says her response to someone spoiling for a fight is just to say "I expect you're right", which is good because it leaves them nowhere to go. You can try that, though I suppose it depends how persistent your MiL is.
  

• just spend as little time with your MiL as possible. Visit only occasionally and then stay for no longer than an hour. She'll get the message eventually.

[WhatstheT]

Our partners must me siblings, I could have written your post...

[EponasWildDaughter]

Again - the man child.

I don't have any sons, but if i did i'd be seriously looking into how to prevent this 'mother worship' business and ensure i was binging him up to be an independent adult, possible husband and father, and not be beholden to me all his life.

The amount of threads here week after week with DHs unwilling or unable to stand up to their mothers is mind boggling.

[attheendoftheday]

When my mil said things like this I used to say "We're happy with our decisions" and change the subject.

I was tempted to say "But if course you didn't know about the damage it causes then, we know now."

[girlywhirly]

I think the 'my child was pot trained by 1' and holding them over a pot from birth was quite popular when the only option was washable cloth nappies. If they timed it right after a feed they might have been lucky to catch a poo, meaning that most of the nappies were only wet, and so easier to launder in the days when not everyone had a washing machine. This doesn't mean the babies were fully trained until much later, hence the photos of DC still wearing nappies. I suspect a lot of DC were also subjected to sitting on a pot until they had 'done something' which isn't training at all, but obviously GM'S of a certain age will fondly remember it as such.

On the subject of MIL'S unwanted advice, speak to DH and say that if MIL is so keen on plain speaking, you will respond in kind if she doesn't stop. Limit the time you spend together. Pull her up on calling herself 'mummy'. Refuse to let her have the DC to look after on her own.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

Quote:
Dh says she just 'says what she thinks' as though it's to be admired. Unfortunately I think it just translates to being very rude and unkind.

Take a leaf out of your DH's book. Say wht you're thinking to her. If she has no issues doing it to you in the form of 'advice' then you should have no qualms about doing the exact same back to her.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

Here's an idea.
Why not actually listen to her?

Who does she think she is?
A mother who has successfully brought up four children.

Older generations actually do know things about child-rearing; they have learned it from experience.

[slightlyconfused85]

But Goblin everyone parents in their own way, why is her way the right way? Why shouldn't op be allowed to do it her own way?

[Baconyum]

Goblin information has changed now so we know better but also

Leaving babies with reflux etc to CIO can actually be dangerous yet the Mil is threatening to do this.

Do you think a cs is 'lazy'? Its major surgery at a difficult time how the he'll is it lazy?!

As for calling herself 'mummy' wrt her grandkids that's just weird!

There's a difference between passing on your experiences and being interfering and refusing to consider that you may be wrong!

[Givinguph0pe]

Goblin she didn't bring up my child.
They're all different. I think she was fortunate enough not to have one with reflux and prematurity and colic and a tongue tie which prevented him feeding properly.

To say 'I went wrong somewhere' is incredibly rude. One of her sons has been in prison. Maybe she went wrong somewhere. I'd never say that to her though as he's obviously responsible for his own actions and that's not really what I think. But I found her saying that to me very hurtful to be honest.

[M0rven]

Blaming a parent for their child's medical problem is a very cruel thing to do. We mothers feel guilty enough, without someone sticking the boot in .

It wasn't advice. It was a nasty dig dressed up as " plain speaking " .

[belleandboo]

Goblin I am in disbelief at your comments. Would you seriously advocate leaving a newborn baby to cry - and telling you daughter in law that you plan to do that with her baby against her wishes?

Who cares if she's brought up four children? We've no idea if she did it 'successfully' or not - all we know is that she managed not to kill them. Anyway, a new mother has a right to discover her own way because there's more than one way to skin a cat. And babycare isn't that hard - it's not necessary to take someone else's advice.

[GooseFriend]

She gets away with this because you all enable it. If you don't need childcare then don't leave the baby with her it's not mean it's obvious. Just because baby is ff doesn't mean any old did can feed it - only dh and I ff dd. Start giving as good as you get and if called up on it say 'I'm only being honest. Just like you/your mum. Isn't it great we can all be honest all the time.'

It won't get better for letting her do the same old crap everyone else lets her get away with.

What's more important your kids, you or your mil? Cause at the moment you seem to think it's your mil to the extent you'd let her feed and have unsupervised contact with them when they are tiny and vulnerable even when you know itll be bad for them and you just so she doesn't experience feeling at all put out. That's the wrong way round! Priority list: kids needs and feelings, your needs and feelings and then you mil's

[belleandboo]

OP, she sounds bitter and unhappy. I wouldn't listen to a word she says. Say exactly what you think back and you may find she withdraws. Her words only have traction if you bite your tongue and care. Also, be very clear that she will not be caring for your baby if she can't be trusted to do it your way because that's unfair on the baby.

[plainjanine]

Goblin your comment is unbelievable. She has't succesfully brought up four children - one at least of them is a spineless mummy's boy who's afraid to challenge her on her obvious and worrying boundary issues, her inability to conduct herself with basic politeness, and her disrespect of her DIL.

The 1950s are calling - they're asking if you've finished with their opinions.