To be fed up with my MIL and her rude advice?

[Givinguph0pe]

Tetchy relationship with mil for many reasons, mainly because she is very attention seeking and demanding and has been difficult since ds was born 6 years ago.

Ds was a tricky baby, he had a traumatic birth, was prem and had colic and reflux. He was not a good sleeper to say the very least. I'm now pregnant again. Saw MIL at the weekend and conversation went as follows:

Mil: you spoilt him that's why he wouldn't sleep.
Me: you can't spoil a baby.
Mil: you should have just left him to cry.
Me: you can leave a newborn to cry.
Mil: well that's what I'll be doing when I have dc2. They've got to learn.
Me: not when they're newborn!
Mil: suit yourself, don't learn from your mistakes then. You obviously went wrong somewhere last time. I had four babies and they all slept beautifully.
Me (sadly only thinking it): fuck off!

Who on earth does she think she is? My parents would never ever speak to dh like that. Why does she think it's ok to say 'I obviously went wrong somewhere.'
She is full of such scathing comments. Oh and she used to call herself 'mummy' when ds was a baby. As in 'come to mummy.'
Cannot stand it!

[Hellocampers]

theFourGP grandparents tend to think they know best?

We don't and we are soon to be grandparents. Don't generalise chik.

My lovely mil told me to not take our oldest ds into the garden as a newborn as 'the wind could take his breath away'

Me dh and fil Pissed ourselves laughing and mil actually owned that she didn't think it was true but her mil had told her that back in the day and you never know. My mil was an ace mum to 7 kids starting at 17 and ending at 30.

Once she calmed down she was a bloody ace mil. We all say daft things.

Op you will too to your dils.

However nasty comments and those designed to undermine you as a mum are horrible.

My mantra is mum knows best for her kids.

[RabbitSaysWoof]

My Mum said that takes his breath away thing to me, she wanted me to put a raincover over him in June when it wasn't even raining.

[Givinguph0pe]

Mil doesn't want me to breastfeed as she wants to 'nurse' the baby herself with a bottle. I couldn't feed last time despite trying for weeks and it really pissed me off because I felt if I'd been feeding I could have just taken ds and said 'I'm going upstairs to feed him now.'

I hope for more success with time round!

[ollieplimsoles]

Stupid controlling bitch, I would seriously limit the amount of time she spends with the children.

[AndLeavesthatweregreenturnedto]

You need to start fight back op and you need to realise she is saying all this because YOU let her. you think your being polite? your not,

I would say to her, Do you mean to be so bloody rude, my parents would never ever talk to your son like this.

pause long eye stare.

dont talk to me like this again or we will fall out .

then inform your dh of the ways its going to be from now on. end of.

[bettyberry]

OP, your MIL sounds like she missed out on her own kids first time around down to her own ridiculous advice and wants to relive it.

The desire to 'nurse' and show baby off to her friends.

Ugh... I am cringing at that

[badg3r]

Gosh she sounds horrendous! It would hilarious if dc2 is a very very hungry co-sleeping, breastfeeding bottle refuser who wants to be carried everywhere in the sling. Even if they're not, you can pretend while she's around

[Isitchristmasyet4]

she calls herself mummy to her grandkids?... thats like something out of a horror film.

??????

[Hissy]

Who on earth does she think she is? My parents would never ever speak to dh like that. Why does she think it's ok to say 'I obviously went wrong somewhere.

^^

This is what you actually say to her the next time she pipes up. And remind her that your child will NEVER be handed over to someone who will willingly neglect her child, and if they can't respect your wishes as a parent to your face, what horrors will she attempt behind your back?..

She will kick off, so what. Your child is safe and cared for, and no amount of her bullying will ever change that. She's had her chance and has absolutely no right to criticise or comment on any decision you make.

[Absofrigginlootly]

What a cowbag!! She sounds unhinged!

Seriously your DH needs to step up and support you not darling mummy!

I can't believe she called herself mummy! Wtf?!

My MIL is a pita too and came out with the same stupid 'advice' to let our 8 week old DD cry it out because she wouldn't sleep.... (DD also had colic, reflux and cmpi and never slept - they just DONT!). She said it every time DH spoke to her on the phone that after the 4/5th time he told her to fuck off!
She also came out with such gems as: I should be feeding 4 hourly, stop picking DD up all the time, leave her to cry, oh and I also refused to hand her around, apparently (even though I offered her a hold every single time she came to visit). DH challenged her on the last one and she just paused and said "well yes she does.... But she's still there" (err where else am I supposed to be you stupid bitch, it's my house!!!!)

If DH hadn't told her to fuck off then I would have tbh and NO WAY would I EVER be leaving my precious baby with someone who would leave her to CIO.

luckily we moved across the Atlantic so it's less of an issue these days!!!! not that I recommend that yeh i do, it's fab
And she is getting unsupervised access to my DD in the future over my dead body and DH agrees!!

[randallflagg1]

According to my mil her perfect children were potty trained by 1. Day and night.

DH can remember wearing a nappy at 3.

I do hope I don't get selective MIL memory.

[Mehitabel6]

I still don't understand why people want so much aggro, which will either be ongoing or you will have to cut her off -when it is all unnecessary.
You are the mother and you do it your way. Carry on doing as you like and just smile, nod and ignore.
Far more irritating to her than taking her seriously. There is nothing she can do - unfortunately all those who have to rise to the bait just give her a way in.

MIL you spoil him, that's why he wouldn't sleep.
OP mmm
MIL You should have just left him to cry.
OP mmm
MIL Well that's what I'll be doing when I have DC2. They have to learn.
OP (mildly in bored monotone) really.
MIL Suit yourself then, don't learn from your mistakes etc
OP ( again mildly in bored monotone) yes, you just said so- and change the subject.

If MIL gets back to it, just say (in puzzled tone) yes, you just said so.
Repeat as necessary.
You are the mother, you can do it your way and you are not going to give her the opportunity to do it her way so there is no need to point it out.

[thefourgp]

It's not a case of rising to the bait or wanting agro. If you have a grandparent who is repeatedly unnecessarily criticising you then you have to act like an adult and speak openly and honestly to them about it. It doesn't need to be aggressive or result in a fall out but you have to be firm or the criticism will continue and your children will grow up seeing their parent/s being undermined and disrespected by their grandparent/s. A lot of my friends with children have experienced similar problems. When I told my mother that I wouldn't be physically smacking my children she told me that she would be smacking them when babysitting because apparently that's the way to show a child who's boss. I told her immediately that if she ever lifted a hand to my child she'd never get to see him again. She later apologised and has never laid a finger on them. I've always been a mummy's girl and generally gone along with what she has thought was best but since having my children I've had to learn to disagree with her on occasion and pick my battles. It's not comfortable or easy standing up to a dominating, controlling matriarch but it has to be done. There's a strong likelihood that long term you'll be glad you did it.

[MinecraftWonder]

she calls herself mummy to her grandkids?... thats like something out of a horror film

I think it depends if it's a one off or not.

Twice in the past 5 years or so I've said to a toddler (two different toddlers, neither of which was mine) 'Shall mummy help?'

The first time was a random kid in a sandpit whose horrified (and unknown to me) mother heard and scarpered with him. The other was a friends who outwardly laughed but I suspect was actually fairly pissed off at me.

Sometimes it just slips out!

[Isitchristmasyet4]

minecraft that's fair enough, but the context sounds very different to me that the OP. It sounds to me like it's being done deliberately, otherwise the OP probably wouldn't have mentioned it had it have been a wee one off. Still freaks me out

[Baconyum]

You definitely need to get dh to grow up and stop pandering to this cow! I get what the pp mean about ignoring but seriously unless you've had a Mil like this you've no idea. If you're not clear and firm it just escalates. My Mil was OK on this score but I've seen and known Mil like this.

In addition it can actually be dangerous to let babies with reflux/gastro issues cry too much. Not that I think leaving a baby to cry is ever advised. They cry because something's wrong that needs sorted.

[slightlyconfused85]

I hope Breast feeding works out for you this time op: not because it matters a jot but because that would really annoy her!

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Missed how far along you are but you shouldn't have to spend the rest of your pregnancy batting away ridiculous remarks. Is this the same MIL who lost FIL not long ago? I would probably try and blank the more ludicrous pronouncements (eg a CS being "lazy") or give a bland non-commital "Hmmm" but give DH fair warning she's sailing very close to the wind. The crazy thing is she's so well-placed to offer genuine help but risks antagonizing you to the point you say FO stay away.

[Shelby2010]

Every bit of advice MIL gives needs the reply 'We're not in the olden days any more, MIL'. If you just keep repeating the same phrase often enough without expanding on it, she might get the hint & shut up. Either that or start you 'start saying it how it is' ie be very rude, tell her that her hair looks a bit of a mess or her top doesn't suit her, or did she ever consider getting cooking lessons. Do this anytime she comments negatively on your parenting.

[mummytime]

I think you need to deal with your DH problem too.

He shouldn't be worshipping the ground his Mother walks on - heck even the bible says "a man leaves his mother and father and cleaves to his wife".
Are they Northern? Because the admiration of "saying what they think" is a Northern trait - although most Northern people actually also employ tact and politeness.

Anyway she is wrong! And you need to get your DH to support you on this. If necessary get a midwife to talk to him, and tell him how much he is upsetting you.

[M0rven]

Five year olds say what they think. Part of our job as parents is to teach them that this isn't a always A Good Thing. That sometimes love and tact and good manners are important too .

[Xenadog]

OP I suggest you try some of this straight talking and saying what's on your mind; if it's good enough for MiL it's good enough for you.

I'd start with DH and let him know you expect him to put his loyalties to you and your family not his mother and that means not allowing her to tell you how to parent.

With MiL I'd happily tell her that having a c-section is not a lazy option but if she really believes that you now worry about her intellect. When she gives you her parenting advice I would tell her you don't need this and that it shows you that the two of you are so far away from each other on this topic that you couldn't possibly allow her to look after your newborn.

Every time she is rude, offers inappropriate advice or is just a controlling cow call her on it. I mean every time. The old MN favourite of "Do you mean to be so rude?" was made for women like her. If she challenges you just explain you are telling it like it is and speaking your mind. Smile as you do this and add a head tilt. Do not allow her to bully you.

[MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge]

Dh says she just 'says what she thinks' as though it's to be admired.

Excellent. So when you say what you truly think to your MIL, he will be equally approving. Turn off your 'well-mannered grown-up' filter and be as direct as you like.