To be fed up with my MIL and her rude advice?

[Givinguph0pe]

Tetchy relationship with mil for many reasons, mainly because she is very attention seeking and demanding and has been difficult since ds was born 6 years ago.

Ds was a tricky baby, he had a traumatic birth, was prem and had colic and reflux. He was not a good sleeper to say the very least. I'm now pregnant again. Saw MIL at the weekend and conversation went as follows:

Mil: you spoilt him that's why he wouldn't sleep.
Me: you can't spoil a baby.
Mil: you should have just left him to cry.
Me: you can leave a newborn to cry.
Mil: well that's what I'll be doing when I have dc2. They've got to learn.
Me: not when they're newborn!
Mil: suit yourself, don't learn from your mistakes then. You obviously went wrong somewhere last time. I had four babies and they all slept beautifully.
Me (sadly only thinking it): fuck off!

Who on earth does she think she is? My parents would never ever speak to dh like that. Why does she think it's ok to say 'I obviously went wrong somewhere.'
She is full of such scathing comments. Oh and she used to call herself 'mummy' when ds was a baby. As in 'come to mummy.'
Cannot stand it!

[PegsPigs]

DD1 awful sleeper. Pisses about in bed every night. DD2 amazing sleeper who slept through from 2 months. Both girls, same parents but TOTALLY DIFFERENT CHILDREN!! I reassure people when they ask how I manage to get DD2 to sleep through that it's nothing to do with parenting and everything to do with babies and their personalities. Your MIL is clueless and just lucky.

[TheImminentGin]

mehitabel I disagree and would nip this in the bud asap.

[Hellochicken]

It's easy on here to say I'd confront her, but in RL I'd nod and say "really" in a flat tone. I have a similar relative but not as rude as to say "you went wrong somewhere last time" which is really rude.

If asked or when advice suggested I'd say "no, we're not doing that" "that's not how I'm going to approach this" and if I HAD to leave baby with her I'd say "I know we have differences of opinion on how to help baby get good sleep but we have decided to do X and X, and not to let baby cry, if you aren't able to do it this way I wouldn't feel right leaving baby, what do you think?" With DH backup. Also I'd mention if not managing to settle baby you want to be contacted and will come back.

[CarlaJones]

Dh says she just 'says what she thinks' as though it's to be admired.

Well then you had better get one of your family members to start giving your dh "useful parenting advice" too. Preferably advice which makes it clear that he is going wrong/making mistakes and spoiling your children.

[NanaNina]

I'm a MIL too but I'd never say anything like that to my dils - the only thing I ever say is that I am a great believer in a mother's intuition. My MIL though was another matter - going back about 45 years here - she was quite a kind woman but not my sort of person and she was full of advice when I had my first baby at aged 23. I didn't actually need it because I'm the youngest of 4 girls and all my older sisters had babies and lived locally and we always congregated at our mom's house, so I knew a lot about looking after babies before mine came around. That didn't stop my older sisters bossing me around when I became a mom but it was all in fun really. Looking back I think my poor MIL must have felt very left out and I never thought of that at the time.

The real issue was over pot training - she insisted that I should hold my baby over the pot from birth and he would be pot trained very early. All 3 of hers were pot trained before their 1st birthday............except that I found an old photo with my DH when he was about 2, wearing a nappy! It was underneath his little romper but in those days there were no disposables and nappies were thick terry squares, so there was no mistaking the folds of the nappy beneath the romper! I didn't say anything to her, but it made me smile.

Time draws a rosy curtain!

[Hypotenuse]

Carla while obviously that's a bit childish I did at the idea of OP's husband being sat down by OP's relatives and being given a talking to about his failures. He'd probably not like that very much.

[Givinguph0pe]

I don't want mil to have sole charge of my dc at any time but it will be tricky since dh thinks it would be nice for her and she's so unbelievably pushy. She's already full of 'I'll take the baby here' and 'when I have the baby.'
She didn't have ds very much but it was a different situation then. I rarely left him with her after hearing the 'mummy' thing.

[80sMum]

Your MIL sounds particularly odious, OP! She needs a good talking to from your DH, telling her to back off.

[Thebookswereherfriends]

Your mil children slept through because she ignored them and they knew that no help would be forthcoming from the woman supposed to love and protect them.

It makes me feel very sad for the tiny babies that were left to scream.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

You have permission to hand out all the parenting advice you want. Seriously, go nuts. Also, Jesus Christ that sounds terrifying, were you just a wobbly mess drinking wine for weeks afterwards?

Tbh I was far to busy going between the burnt out house and the hospital and thanking my lucky stars that everybody was alive. By the time it all really hit me we were all a bit swept away with the media and stuff that came with the award to even think straight.

The only real parenting advice I can think of off the top of my head is, try to avoid letting your children climb inside the toilet,they get stuck and it's a bit frowned upon and I'm pretty sure once everyone's got that one down to a t all will be well

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Sorry op YANBU I strongly advise putting your fingers in you ears and yelling "lalalalala I can't hear you" every single time she does it

[Hypotenuse]

Got it. No toilet diving.

Seriously, well done on the brave kids. What an experience!

[Thumbcat]

I second the smile, nod and ignore advice. Also, when she's been particularly offensive, make sure you're unavailable to see her/speak to her for a good while afterwards - longer than you would normally go. Hopefully she'll figure out for herself the connection between her own behaviour and how often she see's her grandchildren.

[goawayalready]

can i add in there get your dh to grow some balls and insist she does not have the child i don't care how pushy she is the answer should be nay nay and thrice nay!

[thefourgp]

She sounds like my dm. I told her not to let my ds1 cry himself to sleep when he was a baby but she was sure she knew best as usual. She left him to cry himself to sleep and he got so upset he spewed the tomato pasta he'd had for dinner all over her new cream carpet. She's never done it again. Grandparents tend to think they know best but they often don't and they should sit back, keep their mouths shut and go along with the parent's decisions. I'd try to limit my time and my children's time with your Mil OP. I've had to do this with my parents and it makes life less stressful. And don't let her away with talking down to you like that. You're a grown woman and she should be more respectful. Tell her you appreciate she's trying to help but criticising your parenting skills isn't helping the situation and make sure you highlight they are your children. There's no way I'd let a relative call themselves mum to my kids. Bloody cheek.

[RiverTam]

Is this a MIL problem or a DH problem? Why the fuck hasn't he got your back?

[Givinguph0pe]

Because he worships the ground she walks on and always has. He's never really cut the apron strings, although I know it's a cliche.

[Indole]

In your shoes, OP, I'd skip straight to the 'fuck off' part and actually say it. And when she reacts with horror, you can smile and say delightedly 'OH! You ARE listening, after all'.

[RiverTam]

So what can you do about that, OP? Because that's really the problem - until he supports you will the issue ever be resolved?

[Indole]

Also, please don't let her have sole charge of a baby unsupervised. A child who can talk can tell you if she's horrible but a baby obviously can't. I really hope you won't.

[Flutterbutterfly]

I have been in a very similar situation.
Never leave baby with her. Never let her take out your newborn. Make it clear early on.
No need to be rude just say you could imagine being without your baby....maybe in six months time.

[AnneEtAramis]

I just ignore my mil and her inane advice mostly because she has been downright rude and nasty to me She may well have had 8 children, but they all need improvement. DH is lucky he found me to refine him tbh.

[Wolpertinger]

As ever on these threads, you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem.

Has he got your back or not?

[slightlyconfused85]

Annoying. Nod and agree and carry on as you are. My mil is just like this too. Her 3 children were all toilet trained day and night before two, not one of them ever made a fuss about any meal ever- she wouldn't allow fussy eating, and she Breast fed them all until 16 months as formula is as good as poison. I could go on- fucking annoying