..to think I might be being a total fool? (Money and Rship). ?

[QuickNameChangeToRant]

I have NC for this- because I refer to my OH as being DH in my regular posts.

I'm embarrassed to admit that even though years have passed, and 3DCs later, he won't actually consider marriage a problem in itself, and may be relevant to my post.
We have been lucky enough recently, to have earned a decent increase to our household income. It isn't life changing but it is enough that (for the first time), we are actually in a position able to save weekly from our disposable income. We have discussed the things we will be able and save to do: home improvements; having weekends away, and saving for a rainy day most importantly- which we've never been able to do before.
I have 2 current accounts. He has 1 Current account, and 1 Savings account.

I said to him, "I think now we can afford to, we should set up a joint savings account now and then we can both pay into it together"
He laughed while saying "No, What's the point of doing that, because there's a Savings account already there, and has been for years. That 'joint bank accounts cause friction', and 'joint Savings accounts are for people who don't trust each other'.
And "since we trust each other, what's the point?"

I have thought a lot, and really quite totally disagree. We've always banked separately, but paid out equally. It has always worked well for both of us :-)

But this feels different. This is money we something we will both be paying into, and as it won't be withdrawn or paid out, it will be able to grow.
So I think it should also have my name on it! And not be put into His already existing empty savings account.

I said this to him. He asked, "Why, do you not trust me?"
And I answered immaturely maybe "Well, do you not trust me?"

I am reflecting stewing on it now, and I'm really annoyed. If a couple are able to save together, then shouldn't it be a joint saving account, if they are both paying into it?
Why, when he won't even entertain the idea of Marriage, should I pay cash into a savings account that is in his name only?
He has already used the "What's the point?" argument for getting Married, and I took that. Now, I just feel a bit vulnerable. It feels like if something unexpected happened, I would have no rights.
I should point out, he is a loving and caring partner and father, and in the years together, has never given me any reason to doubt him.
But now, coupled with the point blank refusal to consider ever wanting to marry me, and now not seeing the point of a joint account to save our future money in, I feel like he's just thinking for himself and his interests, not us as a couple. Even if he's not, it feels like he is.

Please tell me if i am being too sensitive, but WIBU, to actually either Insist on a joint savings account, or just save in my own account? I don't know if I'm more sad or angry TBH.

Sorry for the long post, and thank you for any ideas on what to do

[Grazia1984]

I suspect if you earned 10x what he did (as I did) you would not have this issue.
Which of you earns the most?

[Grazia1984]

I wouldn't add him to the ownership of the house and do remember if you ever do marry he might get at least half of the house even if he's left you for 3 lovers.

[lastqueenofscotland]

Married or not is not be paying into someone else's savings account.

Nor would I be having joint finances with someone who wouldn't even consider marrying me. Not a big fancy wedding popping down to the council and sighing a bit of paper

[OTheHugeManatee]

YANBU. If he won't marry you, and won't even open a joint account with you, you should save equally and independently. And keep the house in your name only.

[Marynary]

I agree that if he doesn't want to get married, you should keep everything separate. If you are married a joint account may be sensible for savings but I still think it is sensible to have some money in a separate account in case of break up/sudden death etc.

[OOAOML]

I'm married, we have one joint current account which we both periodically transfer money into, and the child benefit is paid into, and from which we pay joint/family expenses. We also have our own indvidual current accounts, I have a savings account, I have shares in a purchase scheme via work, he has shares that were left to him by relatives. We discuss finances and priorities, but are happy with the set-up. Neither of us will be left without access to money. I get access to online banking, he doesn't trust it. We both get to bank with our preferred bank.

[JoffreyBaratheon]

I'm afraid I'd take the line, if he is living in a house you inherited, to say "Yes, you have a point. Joint assets show a lack of trust, so I am going to change the deeds of the house to my name alone, as I inherited it. You trust me, right?" And I'm not being flippant. I'd really do that, in your shoes. Make him put his money where his mouth is - why is he living in a house you got for him rent and mortgage free, if to share things shows a lack of trust? In fact he can only make savings at all because he is not paying a mortgage, I'm guessing.

We just threw all our money in the pot from the week we moved in together, many years ago and we have had periods when one of us was the breadwinner, the other not - and still it was all shared, all "our's". So I don't get this. But seriously, there's no way my husband would live in this house if I owned it, rent free, if he was refusing to have a joint account.

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

open yourself a cash ISA and save to your hearts content. if that's the way he wants it then look after yourself. spend it wisely when you have ammassed enough.

[JoffreyBaratheon]

As for marriage - I wouldn't want it, TBH, with someone who showed such a fundamental lack of faith in me. If you married him, he'd be in a stronger position to take half your house, if you split up. That's far too risky with someone who not only won't share but has an underlying lack of emotional intelligence, to see what would make you feel happy and secure.

[SilverBirchWithout]

Separate accounts would be best. Accounts like ISAs which have a tax benefit cannot be in joint names any rate.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

Do you have other things in place to cover all the legal advantages of being married? Do your wills bequeath all your things to each other? Do you have something set up so that if one of you was incapacitated in hospital, you would be next of kin and have a say in what would happen? Are you named on pensions/life insurance etc?

if you died tomorrow, without a will in place, your dp would have no right to his home.

Marriage is a really simple way to shore up all these issues in one fell swoop, but it can be done in other ways too. Make sure you're covered for all eventualities.

And I agree that you should not pay a penny into his savings.

[SilverBirchWithout]

I have been married for over 30 years and we still have separate bank accounts and savings accounts, with a joint mortgage and a joint household account for bills. It works well for us, and we both like to have our own money to spend on things we want ourselves. I would loathe not feeling financially independent.

Over the years the demarcation between our individual money has become a bit fuzzy when we need something big for the house, but it still works for us.

[Charlesroi]

Yes, keep the house in your name and will it to the children. I wouldn't put my savings in his account either - mainly because you'd need quick access to money if something happened to him.

[lostInTheWash]

I'm married - nearly 13 years.

DH didn't want joint accounts - recently gave in after several cheques written to both of and did open a joint saving account. Seemed to be a major problem for him.


He very odd with financials and stuff like that. I'm fine with separate current accounts and having separate saving accounts - but one joint made sense to me seemed a no brainer.


I thnk in part this part they attitude of his parents coming in - his parenst vocally think I should know nothing about finances that how it works for them. I read you can inherit a view of how money should be managed from observing your parents - we work very differently but I think at times this unconscious attitude creeps in. Honestly money is hardest topic to talk through with him.


In your case the house is yours - your are legally not bound and you financials are not together - so keep the house like that. Your OH is benefitting living rent free or presumably mortgage free of low amount - it means he is benefitting financially from situation - leaves him with more disposable income.

Saving wise - I wouldn't pay into someone else's saving account. He can with his extra cash but my money it would be one in my name or a joint one. Even if he is paying into his own saving account - I'd still expect the entire family unit to benefit from that at relevant times.

I'd keep trying to talk things through with him calmly about money and why you feel his suggestions aren't workable or fair.

I'd also try and separate any talks about marriage from this situations Obviously marriage has a huge financial component - but assume there are other reasons as well.

[TPel]

OP. Don't put the house in joint names. He is, I'm sure a lovely man, but his unwillingness to have assets in common after so long, is a red flag to me. I can't understand why he is prepared to have children- surely the biggest joint decision ever- but not a joint account.

Protect your financial position. Only you have you best interests at heart.

[Vixxfacee]

I'm not married and dp and I save together each month. He transfer his half of the money into a savings account with only my name on. He trusts me and I trust him.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

We have been lucky enough recently, to have earned a decent increase to our household income

I am guessing that this is the royal "we" and is in fact you? But that you think of it as family money ?

Your partner clearly doesn't - open your own account and certainly don't put the house in joint names. Will it to your joint children or put it in trust for them so it is no longer strictly your asset and couldn't be split up even if you did marry and get divorced.

[VenusRising]

Quick, don't marry your DP, have a solicitor draw up a good will for both of you.

Keep your house in your name, save into two accounts.

I'm sorry if you wanted a white wedding and all that, but you could have a party to celebrate 15 years together. I wouldn't hold my breath for a proposal- your DP isn't the marrying kind.

To be perfectly honest, your DP sounds very unenlightened about money: some people are pretty primitive and backward about it.

Maybe you need a few sessions with a counsellor so that he understands your position about money, the nature of your relationship and marriage, and you understand where he's coming from.

I think there are many ways of being with someone now, it doesnt always have to be a wedding with "what's mine is yours" and everything split down the middle.

I think you are in a very strong financial position, and I also think your grandad did you a huge favour by leaving the house for you and your kids. He knew a thing or two about real life, eh? He's looking after you, and your kids, and I don't think you should give your DP half of it.

[CocktailQueen]

Have you made a will? That's the most important thing if you're not married and have dc.

FWIW, I think you should keep the house in your name, as security for you and your dc, and save separately.

[Keeptrudging]

Marriage is only a piece of paper = his name on the deeds is 'only a piece of paper'.

[amarmai]

he laughing because he thinks you're not as smart as him and clearly he is benefiting financially from living in your house and does not want to even things up. He told you who he was and how he thinks. beleive him and protect yourself and your dcc.