..to think I might be being a total fool? (Money and Rship). ?

[QuickNameChangeToRant]

I have NC for this- because I refer to my OH as being DH in my regular posts.

I'm embarrassed to admit that even though years have passed, and 3DCs later, he won't actually consider marriage a problem in itself, and may be relevant to my post.
We have been lucky enough recently, to have earned a decent increase to our household income. It isn't life changing but it is enough that (for the first time), we are actually in a position able to save weekly from our disposable income. We have discussed the things we will be able and save to do: home improvements; having weekends away, and saving for a rainy day most importantly- which we've never been able to do before.
I have 2 current accounts. He has 1 Current account, and 1 Savings account.

I said to him, "I think now we can afford to, we should set up a joint savings account now and then we can both pay into it together"
He laughed while saying "No, What's the point of doing that, because there's a Savings account already there, and has been for years. That 'joint bank accounts cause friction', and 'joint Savings accounts are for people who don't trust each other'.
And "since we trust each other, what's the point?"

I have thought a lot, and really quite totally disagree. We've always banked separately, but paid out equally. It has always worked well for both of us :-)

But this feels different. This is money we something we will both be paying into, and as it won't be withdrawn or paid out, it will be able to grow.
So I think it should also have my name on it! And not be put into His already existing empty savings account.

I said this to him. He asked, "Why, do you not trust me?"
And I answered immaturely maybe "Well, do you not trust me?"

I am reflecting stewing on it now, and I'm really annoyed. If a couple are able to save together, then shouldn't it be a joint saving account, if they are both paying into it?
Why, when he won't even entertain the idea of Marriage, should I pay cash into a savings account that is in his name only?
He has already used the "What's the point?" argument for getting Married, and I took that. Now, I just feel a bit vulnerable. It feels like if something unexpected happened, I would have no rights.
I should point out, he is a loving and caring partner and father, and in the years together, has never given me any reason to doubt him.
But now, coupled with the point blank refusal to consider ever wanting to marry me, and now not seeing the point of a joint account to save our future money in, I feel like he's just thinking for himself and his interests, not us as a couple. Even if he's not, it feels like he is.

Please tell me if i am being too sensitive, but WIBU, to actually either Insist on a joint savings account, or just save in my own account? I don't know if I'm more sad or angry TBH.

Sorry for the long post, and thank you for any ideas on what to do

[goawayalready]

i used to have a separate account in my own name i would save money for the kids in it and spend it on christmas and birthdays i would refuse to tell him how much was in it or give him access to it he WOULD spend it and he did try and get me to spend the money on him instead of the children on several occasions

we are getting divorced now

[WorraLiberty]

Why not compromise and have the house and savings in both of your names?

It seems the fairest way.

[QuickNameChangeToRant]

goawayalready he sounds a catch...you do right!

[SiobhanSharpe]

Joint accounts, saving or otherwise, are for people who DO trust each other.
Separate accounts are for those who do not.

^
Yup.

[SiobhanSharpe]

bold fail. Sigh.

[SiobhanSharpe]

Worra but that would mean a joint account, surely?

[QuickNameChangeToRant]

Worra this is what I want to do!

We pay equal bills and outgoings, and are finally in a position to save after bloody years of being careful. It just feels a bit unsettling to put this house into both our names, when he can't see that if we can both save, it should be saving together.

[WorraLiberty]

Yes it would mean a joint account

And telling him the house will also be jointly owned, will probably make him realise that's the way forward.

Fair is fair...straight down the middle for everything, just as if you were married.

[Canyouforgiveher]

Well hang on a second about the house being put into joint names. The way I read it, the OP inherited a house from her father. Because of that, presumably her partner has never had to pay up for a mortgage - so he has more savings as a result. Is that the case OP?

So I would expect all savings - including past ones to be put in joint names before even approaching the idea of the house going into joint names.

OP the more I think about this the more I think you and your partner need a really frank discussion about finances, the house, etc.

And it is ok to want to get married. It isn't a day out with a white dress, it is a legal status. Why not have a frank discussion about that too?

[caroldecker]

Marriage or all your money goes in your account.

[QuickNameChangeToRant]

Our house is a relatively new change to things. We moved in at the beginning of the year, before that, we were renting. My grandad didn't add anyone to the house apart from me. I didn't ever ask why, as I didn't know fully what he wanted, or expect that when he died. I'd rather still have my Grandad. I guess it was that he was looking out for me and DCs, his GGC- and given he was in his 80s then, maybe to him and being old-fashioned, a 'boyfriend' (even after 11yrs and Children together), wasn't considered in a will the same as a Husband is. I never asked

[QuickNameChangeToRant]

Canyouforgiveher i know. Marriage and 'a wedding' are totally different. I'm shy in front of people in public, so i wouldn't want a wedding, he knows that. But I'd like to be married.

[Canyouforgiveher]

Op do NOT put that house into joint names on the basis that future savings will be joint.

The way I see it is you want to be married as in the legal status. you want to have joint savings. Your partner is not interested. Fine so then keep your house.

I think this situation is more about your partner's idea of what commitment means and it wouldn't do any harm to point out that the way things are, his home won't be his if anything happens to you. You are obviously committed - is he?

For what it is worth, my sister was with her husband for 26 years and I was with mine for 20 when my mother died. And her house was left to sister and me - would not have crossed my mother's mind to add in her sons in law.

[Topseyt]

He seems not to be interested in joint finances or the legal commitment of marriage, so I would not put the house into joint names. I wouldn't even mention it at all for now. Perhaps my life experience has taught me to be a cynic, but gone are the days when I would ever easily hand over any asset which was mine.

Nor would I ever save into someone else's bank account without my name being added and me having full and equal access. Save into your own account. Keep the finances separate. Protect yourself. Just in case.

If he wants joint savings he must agree to a joint savings account into which you both pay equal amounts. If he won't agree then you will have to save separately. That is the choice I would be putting to him.

[RubySparks]

If the house was put into joint names and he died wouldn't his share go to his next of kin? That would not be you unless you were married or draw up some other legal protection.

[MagicalMrsMistoffelees]

My husband and I have a joint current account where we each put a fixed amount in every month. All the bills, groceries, children's stuff comes out of there.

We also have our own individual savings accounts with any savings in. I wouldn't want to combine that. I don't know why as we're both equally careful with money and have never got into debt. But it's important to me to have that separation (even though there's hardly anything in the savings accounts these days !).

[Baconyum]

Cautionary tales:

Sahm, 2 year old dd, husband cheats, wife kicks him out. Joint current account emptied by husband 2 days later leaving sahm with no immediate income no means of paying bills/buying food.

This was a much younger more naïve me. Since my own divorce I've met many other divorees with similar and worse stories. Marriage doesn't necessarily protect.

Sahm, 2 young children, previously young fit healthy husband. Accounts all in husbands name as he had a better credit rating and could get better interest rates. Husband died suddenly from a previously undiagnosed genetic heart condition. No access to accounts, frozen till probate completed. Gp had to get a loan to help her out until she got money coming in.

Sudden physical injury or mental incapacity of the named account holder can also be problematic.

I will never have a joint account again.

I think put YOUR money in YOUR account. And see a lawyer/IFA about all your other finances including the house. If I were you I wouldn't put house in his name either.

Emotionally, he doesn't sound fully committed. Getting married need mean nothing more than popping to registry office in jeans with strangers as witnesses, if it matters so little no problem doing it is there? Legally marriage does give some protection/benefits in the event of death of a partner.

[43percentburnt]

Gf gave you the house, keep in just your name. In fact if you never think you would be in a position to buy your oh out the house if you split I'd be tempted never to marry him for your own financial protection. I have seen too many women aged 50 struggling financially to start again post break up.

If his savings account has been open years the interest rate is likely to be awful. I agree with a previous poster. Find a great interest rate account, open it on a whim and save into that. Give partner the fantastic news that you have 'doubled' or whatever the interest rate. Or put 50/50 into isa's. Some current accounts have great rates, lloyds, Santander, tsb.

[HaydeeofMonteCristo]

I agree with you opening a savings account in your own name and saving in that. Don't put money in his savings account

Don't put his name on your house deeds. Gf left it to you.

That he doesn't want to get married in these circs is good in a way, in that at least he doesn't appear to be after your house/ money. Unless he doesn't realise he has no rights to it? Or has pots of his own squirreled away?

[Keeptrudging]

I wouldn't put the house in joint names either. Your GF left it to you so you would have security and your partner sounds commitment - shy.

[Morsecode]

Sorry, you would be a mug to transfer the house into joint names, especially to a partner who won't commit legally or financially. Why go the extra mile and hand him a house on a platter in the bargain? Your grandfather may have seen through your OH's lack of commitment or may have wanted to make sure his GC and GGC make use of his house, which won't happen if you transfer into joint names and things go tits up.

[CookieMonsterIsOnADiet]

I wouldn't put my savings into a joint account with somebody I was not married too so can see his point. It's a big risk.

Given he could be homeless at your whim, he would be far better off saving himself and investing in a property.

You can't have it both ways, either you put the house in both names and the savings or it all stays separate. You can't keep the hous on sole name yet claim for future planning savings should be joint.

[QuickNameChangeToRant]

Thank you for everyone's sound advice I haven't been ignoring, I've not long woke up

Totally agree with the majority tbh, re: the house, and with savings too.

I'll bring this up with him when we're both home later on. House stays in my name, and we both save independently, and spend equally. It's worked so far with bills and DCs. If he can't see the point of saving together, or being married, I agree with PP's, that there isn't much sense in adding him to joint ownership of the house.

[blueteapot]

Half the amount for savings down the middle and put it in your own. We have only one savings account in my name and I am forever encouraging DH to open his own as well and split the amounts between - obviously if we ever split Id give him his half but I hate the feeling he would ever feel stuck with me because the savings are all in my name and would much rather we had 2 accounts! For the record we are married with 2DC in a strong relationship but sure who knows what the future holds. HTH

[Shutthatdoor]

You can't have it both ways, either you put the house in both names and the savings or it all stays separate. You can't keep the hous on sole name yet claim for future planning savings should be joint.

I agree. You can't have it both ways.