aibu to think husband should help in morning when working from home?

[deeedeee]

I have two kids, 5 and 2, and the oldest is in school. Eldest has a disability, youngest does too but less severely. Neither can dress, organise, feed themselves.

Husband works full time. He leaves the house at 730am , gets home about 6pm each day. So I usually do the school run each day on my own. Which I struggle with if Im honest. If i'm well rested, organised and calm, and the kids too then it can be ok. But normally it's stress, fights and hard work.

I'm self employed, trying to get back into my field after maternity leaves and young kids etc. So two days a week youngest is in nursery so I can work, and one of these days eldest is at after school club. No availability for other day, so husband works from home that one day a week so I can work the full day, as he picks up eldest from school at 3 and puts a film on for him, Youngest at nursery till 6pm.

On this day he works from home in the morning, he gets up and logs straight into work, usually by 7am and refuses to help me get the kids ready and me ready. He says that it's a work day for him, so therefore he wants to get started. I find it very difficult, as him being there changes the dynamic, makes it harder, and also I feel that he should be helping. (i.e. Watching the kids while i have a shower. Dressing one of them. Helping me get them both down the stairs. I say I don't understand why he can't start at 820 when we leave the house, and help us get ready . That's still earlier than he starts in the office. He says he doesn't understand why I just don't get on with it and treat like the days he's in the office.

Who is being unreasonable?

[SurlyCue]

he does like me and he does like his children.

so why doesn't he want to help you and them out? if I like someone I'd want to help them, I couldn't sit there and watch them struggle, especially when they'd asked for help.

he could easily get up earlier on that day, work for an hour until the DC need to get up and get them sorted then get back on the computer at 8.20. that option is available to him. why has he got such an aversion to spending that one hour making life easier for his wife and children when it is easily within his power to do it?

[deeedeee]

why do you need to get more work done cat milkman?

[JapaneseSlipper]

^ great post by LibrariesGaveUsP0wer

myotherusernameisbetter please don't have this attitude. You have nothing to hide. Working from home is not some huge favour that your employer grants. Go to the loo like you would in the office. Do your work as you see fit and have faith that your employer trusts you. No one is looking at the orange light. Really.

[LibrariesGaveUsP0wer]

Oh, as a follow up, if you want to look like a hard worker, nothing says "I'm super conscientious" like the email sent at 6am. He could always get up early, do an hour's work, stop for an hour to help and crack on with it.

Another way of coping that shifts the burden from putting you out to putting himself out.

[CatMilkMan]

deeedeee Its a day that I'm not in the office so I don't have to worry about organisation/management. I have no meetings so I can just power through the work that I'm best at and then go over tasks that I just wouldn't have time to do if I was at the office.

[JapaneseSlipper]

Yes CatMilkMan, why do you have to get more done?

No one has said he shouldn't get a full day's work in. Don't bring your "working from home" sensitivities to this discussion, the point is that he is starting his work day unnecessarily early, some might say intentionally, to get out of his parental duties.

One thing I've noticed a lot of fathers do, is to think "I don't have time to do that" "I don't know how to do that" or "I don't want to do that", without stopping to think "if I don't do it, someone else [my wife] will have to." It may be unintentional but it has an impact on that "someone else" all the same.

[LibrariesGaveUsP0wer]

Sorry, slight cross post so just to say that wasn't aimed at you Cat

[Artandco]

I would just tell him you need his help an hour each morning. 7-8am. He can choose to work 6-7am to counteract that if needed

That's roughly what dh and I do with own children. If we have a busy day ahead but only one of us around for children we would start work 5.30am-7.30am, get the bulk lot of emails read, emails drafted, things researched. Then break 7.30-9.30am to get kids up, ready and at school. Then by the time we start again at 9.30am we are ready to go and ahead as stuff can be finalised and done and sent asap. Clearing the day until school pick up. 9.30am-2.30pm is when we would schedule all face to face meetings and calls so before and after can be done as and when

[WeAllHaveWings]

If he has complete autonomy over choosing what hours he works from home HIBU not to discuss this with you to agree between you how this will best work for your both.

If he doesn't have autonomy over working hours he would need to put in a formal request to start later to help you. If he doesn't think it is possible/or it was not accepted, you need to accept he is working and cant help.

[yorkshapudding]

DH works from home fairly regularly. There is a clear expectation from the company that if you're working from home, you're logged in and ready to take calls at all times. Last year there was a bit of a crisis at the office and the company director phoned someone who was supposed to be working from home and he didn't answer his mobile. They called his home landline and his wife answered and let slip he had gone to pick up their DC from school. The bosses were furious as they said that it was taking the piss and wasn't fair to those staff who are entirely office based and would never be able to run personal errands on company time. They have all been told that if another incident like this occurs no one will be able to work from home. I know DH feels pressure to be extra productive on days he's at home so that they know he isn't taking the piss and to compensate for not being in the office 5 days a week so he's not overlooked for promotions etc purely because he's not as 'visible'. Having said all that, on the days he works from home he will get up with DD, take her downstairs and change her nappy while I have a quick shower and get dressed. He also generally makes us all lunch (just something quick and easy like cold meats and salad or something on toast) when he comes downstairs to make himself a sandwhich.

[fiorentina]

Depending upon how far his commute is, I am sorry but I don't think he is being entirely unreasonable. He is having to interrupt his working day to pick up from school, hence starting early so he has a chance to get his work done? However if that's the issue perhaps he gets up even earlier can start and then help get them ready before starting work again.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

CatMilkMan but you don't need to get more done when you work at home. I often find I am more efficient and do more when I work from home especially if I have a big block of reading or drafting to do because you don't get interrupted. I don't owe my employer more work if I work from home but I do owe them an honest day's work. I tend to start earlier and finish a bit earlier when I work from home because I don't have the morning commute but I wouldn't start before my usual time for leaving the house unless there was a genuine panic.

[LibrariesGaveUsP0wer]

Fiorentina - Except that argument would be more convincing if he wasn't still taking a nice lunch break. He's ditching the boring 'helping' at home time. Not the lunch time. Not the sleep time. Not the relaxing in the evening time. He's ditching the time that puts him out not one jot because the alternative to working isn't much fun (let's face it, who enjoys getting kids ready in the morning).

Yorks - But the OP said that the school run is done with full knowledge of the employer. So not really the same.

[NoSquirrels]

I think you just need a good chat about it, OP.

Compromise is King (or Queen ).

Both my DH and I work from home a fair amount. But it is really really easy for the person who usually goes out to the office to fall into the trap of just seeing to themselves, and not taking responsibility for the rest of the stuff that has to happen.

Work out what you need between 7 and 8 am (for him to do breakfast while you shower? For him to dress the kids while you shower? etc.) and ask for a defined closed-ended task he can take care of. (If you can make that something that he can also help with on his days in the office, even better.)
He's probably stressing that he won't get things done, and the idea of "help" is so open-ended that he's worried it will eat into things too much. But if you have defined areas of responsibility, that should help.

[MerryMarigold]

No, YANBU.

I think it would help, rather than telling him he is BU (he is!), to ask for help with specific things. You can say life is different now you're back at work, and it is hard to get yourself ready for work as well as them. My dh works long hours, but he often gets the kids breakfast if they are up before he leaves. And when he works from home, he would log on around 7.30 and then he sometimes takes a break at 8.30 to take them to school (even though I'm not working), so I can have a break from the school run driving (which I hate) or picks them up for me.

Try and get to the bottom of why he feels he needs to start so much earlier than when he's actually going in to work and why he doesn't want to help out in the morning. Does he feel like he can't do it as well as you? Does he feel intimidated by how good you are at it? What would he feel able to do and what would be most helpful to you?

[CatMilkMan]

Chaz I absolutely do need to get more done when I work from home, not because I owe it to my employer but because if I didn't it would change the rest of the working week for my colleagues and our clients.
Im not complaining about it at all, it's the way we work and it works very well.

[ChickenTikkaMassala]

if I work from home then I'm working and I can't do housework etc like my wife seems to think I can so I can see your husbands point really.

My wife also seems to think that when we have children that I can work from home and look after the baby whilst she goes to work to save on childcare. I've had to explain that I'd be sacked if that happened, she's still adamant that I can do it though.

There's a lot of misconceptions about working from home.

[BoffinMum]

YANBU because getting young children is more tiring and demanding than most bits of early morning office work, and he's cherry picking what he does without thinking enough about the consequences for the rest of you.

[MerryMarigold]

ChickenTikka, I don't think she is expecting him to hoover, mop, clean the bathroom and cook dinner!

She is expecting him to help out a bit until 8.20am, which is well before usual office hours. He could even be doing bits and bobs, AND helping out.

Somehow, my super amazing very average dh manages to help out and check the laptop from time to time, for all of an hour before they go to school.

[BoffinMum]

At this point I feel I should share today's convo with the Ocado man.

For context, DH has been made redundant and I am chief breadwinner at the moment, in a senior job.

Ocado Man "So no female at home today then? You have to deal with the shopping? My goodness, what is the world coming to?"
DH (neutral) "No, it's just me dealing with the shopping."
Ocado Man "Well, that's quite a situation when you have to sort out shopping, isn't it?"
Me (from study) "Actually I am the one with the job and I am earning the money around here, so it makes sense for him to deal with shopping while I do that"
Ocado Man and

(What's sad is that DH would much rather be at work, but it's the principle of the thing).

[LibrariesGaveUsP0wer]

ChickenTikka - Totally and utterly different! He has chosen to structure his working day so that he 'can't' help out in the morning. 7-8.20 am is not his normal working time. He's chosen tot make it so. That is different to being asked to look after a baby or cook the dinner whilst working

(Though, incidentally, unless you never stop to make a coffee, I don't see why it's impossible to put a wash on or load the dishwasher whilst waiting for the kettle.)

[myotherusernameisbetter]

My wife also seems to think that when we have children that I can work from home and look after the baby whilst she goes to work to save on childcare. I've had to explain that I'd be sacked if that happened, she's still adamant that I can do it though.

There's a lot of misconceptions about working from home.

And about looking after babies........ :o

[CassieBearRawr]

HIBU because he can quite early be flexible with his hours when he wfh. He just chooses not to use that flexibility to the benefit of the family.

[IceBeing]

urgh boffin that's horrible....

[ChickenTikkaMassala]

I don't drink coffee so no I don't stop for it