aibu to think husband should help in morning when working from home?

[deeedeee]

I have two kids, 5 and 2, and the oldest is in school. Eldest has a disability, youngest does too but less severely. Neither can dress, organise, feed themselves.

Husband works full time. He leaves the house at 730am , gets home about 6pm each day. So I usually do the school run each day on my own. Which I struggle with if Im honest. If i'm well rested, organised and calm, and the kids too then it can be ok. But normally it's stress, fights and hard work.

I'm self employed, trying to get back into my field after maternity leaves and young kids etc. So two days a week youngest is in nursery so I can work, and one of these days eldest is at after school club. No availability for other day, so husband works from home that one day a week so I can work the full day, as he picks up eldest from school at 3 and puts a film on for him, Youngest at nursery till 6pm.

On this day he works from home in the morning, he gets up and logs straight into work, usually by 7am and refuses to help me get the kids ready and me ready. He says that it's a work day for him, so therefore he wants to get started. I find it very difficult, as him being there changes the dynamic, makes it harder, and also I feel that he should be helping. (i.e. Watching the kids while i have a shower. Dressing one of them. Helping me get them both down the stairs. I say I don't understand why he can't start at 820 when we leave the house, and help us get ready . That's still earlier than he starts in the office. He says he doesn't understand why I just don't get on with it and treat like the days he's in the office.

Who is being unreasonable?

[BarbarianMum]

He is!

Dh is usually out of the house 7.30am-7.30pm. On the days he works at home (1 per week, usually) he does the school run and takes them to evening activities. That's the day I get into work early and can leave late if I need to.

On his normal days he is still responsible for emptying dishwasher and making packed lunches before he disappears. Your dh needs to pull his finger out!

[TheLambShankRedemption]

If his workday is 7-3 at home then he has a point. If he works to 6pm with a few breaks to do the school run then HIBU.

You would think that with two disabled children, he would see from the outset that on your working day when you both work, both of the parents should be stepping up, not just one.

[deeedeee]

this is all very helpful to get different perspectives, thank you x

[deeedeee]

"so he maybe feels he has to go the extra mile to show he is not taking the p*ss."

I think that there may be an element of this. I think in his mind he needs to work twice as hard from home to prove he's working

[Drew64]

This is a tough one, please ignore all the wicked people insulting and calling your DH names. It's not very fair.

At the end of the day if he is working from home then he is working. If he is logged on and not actually working his company could take action against him and refuse to let him work from home.

Yes, if you need help then you do need to have a chat. Tell him you would rather he logged on a bit later to give you a hand.

[WorldsBiggestGrotbag]

When mine works from home he helps out until about 8.30am which is when he'd normally get to work. He will also help with putting the toddler down to nap etc on the basis that he would have had a lunch break if he was at work.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

For me, it is the meanness and unkindness of sitting working, whilst you are struggling in the next room, that is so wrong. Especially as him being at home is actually making the whole process harder.

Has he ever done a day all by himself - breakfast, dressing, school run - the whole shebang? Because if he hasn't, I would challenge him to do it all, whilst you sit in the next room doing absolutely none of it - so he can see how difficult it is.

Dh works from home too, sometimes - and for him, the big benefit is that he can adjust his work around stuff at home. At the moment, one of our dogs is on cage rest, and when dh is at home, he is doing the work involved in having her in there - everything takes more time and faff. He's going to walk the other dog, after he's got the bins in. He is doing this because he thinks it is fair for him to do a share of the stuff that needs doing.

When the boys were younger, he used to do his share of looking after them - if he had a later start, he'd take them to school, for example. And when I was pregnant with ds3, he'd get up early, take ds1 and ds2 into the office and look after them there whilst he worked, then bring them home before heading back in to do the morning phone conference - all so I could have some extra time in bed, and a bit more rest when I was heavily pregnant.

He is working full time, yes - and when he is working from home, he is still working - that is true - but he is also a parent full time - and if he can happily get on with his work, knowing you are having a hellish time getting the children that are as much his as yours, ready in the morning, he is a bit of an insensitive arsehole.

[LovelyFriend]

He doesn't WANT to help you. He see's it as your role.

[Bogburglar99]

Re the 'finishing early' - as an office based worker who sometimes works at home, I can see how it feels like that. If I do work at home I feel really guilty if I'm not available for a period equivalent to normal working hours - I'd be quite scared of being phoned when on the school run and getting 'caught'

This is largely in my head as I work hard, often do over my hours and go in on my 'day off' and work really doesn't care whether I am available at 3pm on a Thirsday exactly . But it may be in DHs head too. What's the formal agreement with his employer do you know?

[deeedeee]

i just feel it's stupid too!
If he doesn't help me, we're all there while he's trying to work much longer, we're all stressed, nobody gets a good start to the day.

If he helped me, we'd all be more relaxed, there'd be one morning in the week that I don't struggle, and could maybe even leave 15 mins earlier if possible and go to the park on the way to school and he could start in a quiet house earlier.

as it is he just tries to work on the sofa while the kids scream and fight around him.

[deeedeee]

His employer knows that he picks DS up from school that day. He seems happy with it. DH is a manager, so it's largely up to him what he does. He does have a manager, but the guy seems kind and trusts DH. and DH does work very hard and doesn't take the piss so it seems fine

[SurlyCue]

there would have to be something seriously be wrong before I would listen to someone I love enough to share my home with asking for help and tell them no. I mean, I only live with people I love, no way could I see them struggling and just carry on about my business.

does he like you? does he like his children? it sounds like he would prefer not to parent. was he keen to be a parent?

[Fugghetaboutit]

My H works from home. I have a 2 year old and I'm 7 months preg. He'll sleep til the last minute then log in. Never helps. Selfish arse he is but I knew he was when I got with him.
Since ds started nursery he drops him for me which is good and today I got him to empty dishwasher and clean kitcjen before starting - v rare occurrence but I bitched and moaned.

[purplepandas]

That is unbelievable. He should help. Either start before and stop to help as another poster has suggested or not take a lunch break. I would be livid.

[HoneywithLemon]

I haven't read the whole thread but YANBU at all. Your DC are a handful, he should help you out out of kindness.

My DH works from home two days and never even gets out of bed before we leave for work/school. My kids are 12 and almost 14 but there is always drama in the morning and I would appreciate a hand. I work full-time and have to get out of the house before 7.30, and before the DC. I get that he sleeps through. He never gets up if we've got anything on at the weekends either. It's becoming a big issue for me, I feel quite resentful.

[myotherusernameisbetter]

I'm presuming he is starting at 7am as he is finishing earlier to collect your eldest and then although he will be sitting watching a film, he is still effectively responsible for him as well as working for a bit so probably not as prioductive. An early start means he is still delivering his days work which is what he gets paid for and what supports the family. I appreciate you'd like him to help and actually I don't see why he can't a little bit (helping get their shoes on etc) and just treat it as his coffee break or whatever unless he is in the middle of something or on a call etc.

I don't think either of you are being particularly unreasonable tbh but you need to talk through what you can do to make life a bit easier for you both.

[deeedeee]

he does like me and he does like his children. I think folk who are picking up on the perceived "finishing early" thing and the desire to work harder when at home to prove something might be onto something

[BitOutOfPractice]

Honey that's appalling

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the word "resentment"

OP YANBU

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

If he doesn't usually leave until 7.30 then even if he logged on at 7.30 he would be in work earlier than normal. So he could help you between 7-7.30.

[myotherusernameisbetter]

deedee - I tend to be the one in your OHs position - if I work at home then I sometimes feel bad about going to the loo never mind anything else. I have a light next to my name on email/messenger and it is green when you are actively typing but can go to orange if you are maybe reading paperwork or something. I find it stressful, as if people will think I'm taking the P if I allow the light to go orange. I do however have older DC without your issues and a study I go in and shut the door when I am working. generally it isn't an issue and I am at home because I'm expecting a delivery or something and everyone else is out. I have been at home when everyone is off a few times (we've been heading off on a train late afternoon for example) and the DC get that I am working but DH seems to think that it should be a jolly.

[LibrariesGaveUsP0wer]

I think folk who are picking up on the perceived "finishing early" thing and the desire to work harder when at home to prove something might be onto something

Whilst that is valid, I think it says something that he chooses to compensate in the way that causes himself minimum bother. He could:

• choose to go in a bit earlier a couple of days a week
• choose to go in a lot earlier the day after
• choose to work late once the kids are in bed.

Instead he's choosing to do something that puts him out not one bit, but makes life a lot harder for you.

It says that he sees his work as the most important thing and childcare as something he helps with when convenient.

Sadly, a lot of otherwise very lovely men who adore their wives and children fall into this way of thinking.

[JapaneseSlipper]

"You just have to sort of pretend he's not there. He's not there, really. He's not there to help around the house. Remember, he's earning as he works and work is work, wherever you do it.

I think the way they see it is: We manage without them when they are physically at work, so we should be able to manage the same when they are home 'at work'."

Horsewalksintoabar I find your post pretty unhelpful. Your point about him "earning as he works" is incorrect. The kinds of jobs that can be done from home are not paid by the hour. Yes, of course he still has to work. But there is no need for him to start the day presumably TWO HOURS EARLIER than usual, at the expense of his partner and children.

And the OP has already made the point that having him around in the mornings changes the dynamic, which it does - it makes things slower, and it's also galling having someone sitting around and refusing to help. We are human. That sort of thing has an effect.

OP, I don't know how you do it. You are not being unreasonable at all. Your husband may want to "prove himself" by working harder on his WFH days, but honestly? That's the kind of thinking that junior staff members have. If your husband wants to progress, he should start acting like a person of authority, not someone who's paranoid that he'll be accused of shirking. My partner works from home often and has no problem taking regular breaks to help me, stops for lunch (we sometimes go to our local, or for a walk) etc.

If talks are not helpful tonight, I suggest you go on strike. I'm not even joking - tell him that if you aren't both on board, he's on his own. He's utterly incorrect in his opinion about this one.

Good luck x

[RubyReins]

Forgive me if this is considered a derail and I have only skimmed the full thread but what really jumps out at me is that the OP and other posters have referred to the OP's DH "helping". This, to me, suggests that the OP views it as her duty to get the kids up and ready and that this is solely her province; her DH "helps" with tasks around the home, he does not "do". No doubt expects a pat on the back too but I digress.

When people ask me if my DH helps out I say of course not, he "does". My children are his children and we run and share a home together.

It might only be a subtle difference in language but it changes the balance of power in the relationship and highlights our society's unwaivering view that anything to do with the home and children is "women's work" and is of little value.

OP, you both work and whilst your role has perhaps been in a state of flux due to your time as a SAHM that period is now over. It is not (in my view) for him to help you, it is for him to step up and do what needs to be done for his children. How you move forward is of course another matter but unless his arms are painted on I would make it clear to him that this is no longer how it is going to be.

It really really pisses me off when women are considered to be the only ones who are able to get the housework and childcare stuff done and men only deign to "help". We should really expect the poor dears not to be able to run departments, companies and countries...

I really hope things improve OP.

[CatMilkMan]

I work a day from home every week, I need to get more work done than I would while at work so I start earlier than I would every other day and I don't take any breaks.
Some of the responses calling him lazy have pissed me off, he's working from home that doesn't mean the day off.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Good luck with the chat OP - I hope it goes your way well.