Long time lurker and slightly addicted to AIBU but never posted before today.
I won't go into the full backstory but I don't really get on with my in-laws ever since they cornered me in a room in their home a few weeks before my wedding to their son And made me cry because they didn't agree with my choice not to change my surname on marriage.
My husband had been happy with my choice up until he mentioned it in passing to his mother and suddenly it was a massive drama.
I actually considered changing my surname to keep the peace but, as my FIL and SIL didn't turn up until after we exchanged vows and then my MIL made both my sister and I cry during the meal after the wedding, I decided I would stand by my principles and keep my own name.
When my first son was born there was additional drama with MIL. I cried because MIL had bought my son something he could no longer use due to health problems. I had originally asked for the item but hadn't known that my son's health issues would prevent him from using it.
I tried explaining this but ended up crying. My husband believed that was rude and it caused a massive argument (We had only been home from hospital for a day).
Fast forward until today. I've just had a baby girl. We were home from hospital on Friday afternoon. On Saturday the midwives checked my stitches and advised that I should go back to hospital for a second opinion.
My in laws life 5-10 minutes away. My own parents are an hour away. My husband said we had to return to hospital and asked if any of his 3 sisters or one parent could babysit while we returned to hospital. They were unable to help as they had an appointment booked to look at wedding dresses.
No big problem or drama - I called my parents and they came to babysit my 22 month old.
At hospital I'm told that I have a prolapse which should have been stitched following childbirth. I'm not in pain but they won't try to fix this for at least 6 weeks. We spent hours in hospital waiting and o was a bit traumatised by the news that it couldn't be fixed there and then. The waiting, the exhaustion and the lack of a revolution led to lots of tears.
This morning one of my SILs texted to ask how I was and to ask what time was best to visit. I suggested a time to my husband and he let his sister know that i'd be fine but would need another checkup.
We discussed how he would word his response as neither of us wanted to go into full details of the problem. We agreed that we'd say I was fine, that I would need a further checkup in 6 weeks. I said that, ultimately, we didn't want to talk about it. My husband said he wouldn't put that in the text (which I understood and was fine with) but I told him it was perfectly acceptable to say that in person if required.
I hadn't slept or showered/washed since returning home from hospital so, when both babies fell asleep today, I went to have a shower and wash my hair.
I took my time as I wasn't expecting his sister until 2.30pm/3pm but, just after 2pm I became aware of my husband talking to other adults downstairs.
I finished getting dressed and went downstairs to find my PIL and one SIL (who was outside on the phone).
Instead of sitting in the lounge my husband had directed everyone into the messy kitchen (which instantly annoyed me). Instead of handing the baby over to one of his family my husband was sitting holding her.
By way of an explanation for my earlier absence I commented that my husband should've told me we had guests. I.e. I would've come downstairs sooner had I known people were there.
The first thing my MIL asked was 'How did you get on at the hospital yesterday?' That's a perfectly acceptable question but my hormones are everywhere and the thought of my whole experience (stuck in TV maternity waiting area with a newborn for 4hours, being checked by MORE people and then being told they wouldn't 'fix' me) has left me really upset and emotional.
I was annoyed that my husband hadn't already briefed his mother and told her I didn't want to talk or think about it. But clearly he hasn't.
My response was 'I'm fine. We don't really want to talk about it.'
My husband looked horrified by that response so I said 'but we DONT want to talk about it.' As in... That had been our agreement.
My husband then continued to sit with the baby whilst I busied myself tidying some of the mess in the kitchen and getting cups ready for tea.
After a while I took the baby as she was long overdue a nappy change and feed. My husband made tea and our toddler woke up.
SIL said they'd go as they wanted to attend a wedding fair. I stopped breastfeeding so she could hold her niece for the first time. They took some photos, we waved goodbye, they left.
My husband disappeared upstairs and left me wrestling with both children. When I went to look for him to ask for help he started shouting - seemingly the way I had spoken to his mother was totally unacceptable and I was an evil cow.
I pointed out that we had both previously agreed we didn't want to talk about it. I also said that he could've told his mother that before I came downstairs. Yesterday when we returned home from hospital and my parents asked how I was I just cried. When that happened my husband had said I was five but upset. I couldn't understand why he couldn't have done the same thing today.
Instead he just went on and on about how I'm a horrible person and how hurt and upset he was at how I had spoken to his mother.
I'm still hurt by the experience of our wedding as my husband never really accepted that it was okay for me to be upset at what happened. On our wedding night he called his mother for a little chat while I cried my eyes out in the bath: I never received any sort of apology.
Yet here I am... Just two days after giving birth... My hormones everywhere and totally exhausted from lack of sleep and juggling a newborn with a needy and upset toddler, while my husband once again expects me to just overlook everything that happened in the last and treat his mother like some sort of queen.
I said I felt like I should be cut some slack given how close this is to the birth and given that I had received really upsetting news yesterday about the missed stitch. Seemingly not.
So... If any of you have made it this far, WIBU?
I accept I was abrupt... But surely I should be cut a little bit of slack? And surely I should expect my husband to back me up for once? Or is that unreasonable?
AIBU?
AIBU? New Baby, Return to hospital & MIL drama
Tired2ndTimeMum · 07/09/2015 03:25
Oh, love. 
Another voice here calling for you to go to your Mum and Dad's. This really isn't going to get any better, and you've a chance to be happy, with children who can't remember his abuse, if you go now.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, your husband is a prize dick and deserves to be alone.
Another one calling for you to go to your parents with the children, they sound like what you need right now. You need support and understanding, not an inconsiderate man-child (putting it nicely) making life difficult.
Sending and hugs to you.
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You do sound as if your finger's on the trigger but this is NOT unreasonable in the circumstances. Everyone should walk on egg shells if necessary, rather than upset you.
Your DH does sound as if he has 'apron string' issues, given everything you've said. It's also very, very unkind of him to sulk, shout and fail to help you. It sounds as if he simply can't cope when his mum is being slighted in any way. He's obviously blind to her being rather spoilt and perfectly capable of fighting her own battles. This will only continue to cause more trouble if it's not looked at.
I would tentatively suggest that, although we know why you were abrupt when speaking to your mum, she didn't know. It did make you look passive aggressive and the busying yourself about the kitchen may have added to that if it was done in the same style. I can see why your DH might feel miffed, because all he had done was treat his family as if they are family, rather than guests - by not worrying about the state of the kitchen, not thinking about handing the baby over, not making tea. It doesn't sound as if there was an agreement between you that he would brief his mum about your health - more that you told him it was perfectly acceptable for him to say something that he then, infuriatingly, chose not to say.
I agree that something about his attitude is very off. But I think at the moment you will make yourself very unhappy if you make a huge deal out of it. The more adversarial you are, the more he will feel sympathetic towards his mum.
Congratulations on your gorgeous baby
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