AIBU? New Baby, Return to hospital & MIL drama

[Tired2ndTimeMum]

Long time lurker and slightly addicted to AIBU but never posted before today.

I won't go into the full backstory but I don't really get on with my in-laws ever since they cornered me in a room in their home a few weeks before my wedding to their son And made me cry because they didn't agree with my choice not to change my surname on marriage.

My husband had been happy with my choice up until he mentioned it in passing to his mother and suddenly it was a massive drama.

I actually considered changing my surname to keep the peace but, as my FIL and SIL didn't turn up until after we exchanged vows and then my MIL made both my sister and I cry during the meal after the wedding, I decided I would stand by my principles and keep my own name.

When my first son was born there was additional drama with MIL. I cried because MIL had bought my son something he could no longer use due to health problems. I had originally asked for the item but hadn't known that my son's health issues would prevent him from using it.

I tried explaining this but ended up crying. My husband believed that was rude and it caused a massive argument (We had only been home from hospital for a day).

Fast forward until today. I've just had a baby girl. We were home from hospital on Friday afternoon. On Saturday the midwives checked my stitches and advised that I should go back to hospital for a second opinion.

My in laws life 5-10 minutes away. My own parents are an hour away. My husband said we had to return to hospital and asked if any of his 3 sisters or one parent could babysit while we returned to hospital. They were unable to help as they had an appointment booked to look at wedding dresses.

No big problem or drama - I called my parents and they came to babysit my 22 month old.

At hospital I'm told that I have a prolapse which should have been stitched following childbirth. I'm not in pain but they won't try to fix this for at least 6 weeks. We spent hours in hospital waiting and o was a bit traumatised by the news that it couldn't be fixed there and then. The waiting, the exhaustion and the lack of a revolution led to lots of tears.

This morning one of my SILs texted to ask how I was and to ask what time was best to visit. I suggested a time to my husband and he let his sister know that i'd be fine but would need another checkup.

We discussed how he would word his response as neither of us wanted to go into full details of the problem. We agreed that we'd say I was fine, that I would need a further checkup in 6 weeks. I said that, ultimately, we didn't want to talk about it. My husband said he wouldn't put that in the text (which I understood and was fine with) but I told him it was perfectly acceptable to say that in person if required.

I hadn't slept or showered/washed since returning home from hospital so, when both babies fell asleep today, I went to have a shower and wash my hair.

I took my time as I wasn't expecting his sister until 2.30pm/3pm but, just after 2pm I became aware of my husband talking to other adults downstairs.

I finished getting dressed and went downstairs to find my PIL and one SIL (who was outside on the phone).

Instead of sitting in the lounge my husband had directed everyone into the messy kitchen (which instantly annoyed me). Instead of handing the baby over to one of his family my husband was sitting holding her.

By way of an explanation for my earlier absence I commented that my husband should've told me we had guests. I.e. I would've come downstairs sooner had I known people were there.

The first thing my MIL asked was 'How did you get on at the hospital yesterday?' That's a perfectly acceptable question but my hormones are everywhere and the thought of my whole experience (stuck in TV maternity waiting area with a newborn for 4hours, being checked by MORE people and then being told they wouldn't 'fix' me) has left me really upset and emotional.

I was annoyed that my husband hadn't already briefed his mother and told her I didn't want to talk or think about it. But clearly he hasn't.

My response was 'I'm fine. We don't really want to talk about it.'

My husband looked horrified by that response so I said 'but we DONT want to talk about it.' As in... That had been our agreement.

My husband then continued to sit with the baby whilst I busied myself tidying some of the mess in the kitchen and getting cups ready for tea.

After a while I took the baby as she was long overdue a nappy change and feed. My husband made tea and our toddler woke up.

SIL said they'd go as they wanted to attend a wedding fair. I stopped breastfeeding so she could hold her niece for the first time. They took some photos, we waved goodbye, they left.

My husband disappeared upstairs and left me wrestling with both children. When I went to look for him to ask for help he started shouting - seemingly the way I had spoken to his mother was totally unacceptable and I was an evil cow.

I pointed out that we had both previously agreed we didn't want to talk about it. I also said that he could've told his mother that before I came downstairs. Yesterday when we returned home from hospital and my parents asked how I was I just cried. When that happened my husband had said I was five but upset. I couldn't understand why he couldn't have done the same thing today.

Instead he just went on and on about how I'm a horrible person and how hurt and upset he was at how I had spoken to his mother.

I'm still hurt by the experience of our wedding as my husband never really accepted that it was okay for me to be upset at what happened. On our wedding night he called his mother for a little chat while I cried my eyes out in the bath: I never received any sort of apology.

Yet here I am... Just two days after giving birth... My hormones everywhere and totally exhausted from lack of sleep and juggling a newborn with a needy and upset toddler, while my husband once again expects me to just overlook everything that happened in the last and treat his mother like some sort of queen.

I said I felt like I should be cut some slack given how close this is to the birth and given that I had received really upsetting news yesterday about the missed stitch. Seemingly not.

So... If any of you have made it this far, WIBU?

I accept I was abrupt... But surely I should be cut a little bit of slack? And surely I should expect my husband to back me up for once? Or is that unreasonable?

[var123]

YANBU for the whole history, up to and including the moment you walked into the kitchen.

YABU not to just answer the questions about you got to the hospital DH drove me and my parents babysat. Then if they ask what happened at the hospital, say do you mind if I don't go into details.

Also, it is a little unreasonable that you do seem to expect your DH to share your feelings exactly on where he should stand/sit with his family in his home, to know that you must be called (maybe you'd have got upset that your shower had to be hurried too?)

However, from the moment they left onwards, YANBU but your DH is.

What I don't get is if you know that you are very private about medical stuff, why tell your in laws that you are going to the hospital? Its natural to ask what happened if someone tells you that they made a dash to the hospital. Why not just arrange some other childcare instead?

I realise that you are hormonal. Maybe just ask your DH to put it behind you and forget it because you need each other right now and it really should be about enjoying being a family of four.

[Witchend]

I don't think I could tell from that whether you are over sensitive or the MIL is UR.

I get that you've probably written all the times you were in tears from your ILs perspective to avoid being told you're drip feeding. But it may seem from their side you burst into tears at anything they do.

I think you were a bit direct with what you said-but if she hadn't asked how you'd got on at the hospital then many people would have been saying "mil knew I was going to the hospital and was worried and she didn't even ask how it went".

Maybe you wouldn't, but if I'd been your MIL I would have felt rude not to ask something to acknowledge you might have had a hard time. I would not have wanted gory details. Definitely not wanted gory details, don't like hearing them! What I'd have been expecting was along the lines of "yes, went fine" or "quite difficult actually, do you mind if we talk about something else?"

[BerylStreep]

Oh, there is so much going on here, it's hard to even begin.

First of all, congrats on your newborn.

It really annoys me that people think mothers who have just given birth should have to start entertaining visitors. In the short term, I think you need to look out for yourself and the baby, and say no to visitors.

But there appear to be other issues here too. Why are you allowing these people to make you cry all the time? Even if their behaviour is awful, this isn't an appropriate way to respond in the norm (birth hormones excepted). It makes you seem like a drama lama, and hands his family a lot of power.

They sound like bullies, and it sounds like your husband is invested in keeping the status quo. I'm sure someone more insightful will come along soon, but there seems to be a very unhealthy dynamic going on here, which needs addressing in the longer term.

Your DH is being an arse, but don't be tempted to start addressing things at the moment. My advice for the next couple of days is to hunker down, try to stay in bed as much as you can with the new baby, and don't answer the door to visitors.

All the other things can be sorted out another time. Don't get drawn into any dramas or conversation with your DH.

[Sparkletastic]

You need to get a grip on your cry response to difficult encounters. It won't be easy - I used to be a dreadful one for crying when I felt under attack - but it is undermining your otherwise very reasonable concerns.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

First, why on earth are you writing this long screed at 3.25 in the morning? You have had a tough time and if you are not actively dealing with your baby, get in bed and attempt to rest.

Secondly, you posted on here to ask AIBU and I am sorry, but my response is, yes, you are being unreasonable. Excusable and understandable because of your emotional and physical state, but you do seem hell bent on a confrontation with your mother in law; dragging up everything she has done which has annoyed you won't resolve anything. Let it go. You do seem to cry very readily.

Focus on your babies and yourself, rest as much as you can and ignore other family issues; they are not priorities.

[deepdarkwood]

As others have said - you are two days post birth, and as such, it's physically impossible for anything you say or do to be unreasonable! You have a complete get out of jail free card, and your dh is being an arse if he doesn't see that.

Mostly, I'd be blaming your dh who doesn't seem to stick up for you, take your side or look after you. He's the one who should be tidying up, fielding questions, minding the kids etc.

That said, I agree with pp that you seem stuck in a place of confrontation and tears with your ILs ... and I suspect that sometimes you are seeing their behaviour as unreasonable because of your history. As you say, it's not really your MIL's fault that she asked you about the hospital - she knew you'd been in, she was checking you were OK - she didn't know what news you'd had or how sensitive the situation was. So snapping at her was maybe not totally fair. You just had to breeze over it and move on. No drama, no tears. Now, two days post birth, you're allowed not to do that. But I think reframing your relationship with your inlaws so you can feel that way at other times when tensions are less high is going to make everyone's lives easier in the long run.

[AyeAmarok]

Your DH needs to have your back, he doesn't because he's too caught up in his mother.

No wonder you feel so unsupported.

YANBU.

[Tired2ndTimeMum]

To clarify - I didn't cry when asked about the hospital visit. But I accept that I was definitely abrupt and snippy.

I cried prior to the wedding as I felt cornered about the decision to change my name. My husband originally supported my decision but, when we sat down to discuss that with his parents he ended up agreeing with them that I should change my name. At which point I left.

At the wedding I had just made a speech. A close uncle died a couple of months prior to the wedding and I mentioned him in my speech as he would've been delighted to be there has he still been alive. Following the speech I went to hug my aunt (his wife) and had shed a few tears.

My MIL verbally attacked me when I returned to the table. She was upset that her husband (my FIL) hadn't made a speech. I was unaware that he had wanted to give one and my husband hadn't communicated this to me (and wasn't aware either).

My sister and I apologised for the oversight and said that he could give him speech after the meal, prior to us cutting the cake. She said this was unacceptable and continued to be confrontational - upsetting my sister and, in turn, me. Particularly as my husband actually left the table and his meal.

The third incident was over a year and a half later. Again, I had just given birth and was emotional. My son was diagnosed with a hip problem at birth. This was unexpected and upsetting. He left hospital in a harness which meant that he couldn't wear certain clothes and couldn't be bathed. I cried because my MIL had bought a swaddle for him but we had been advised not to use them. When I said this she complained that we had asked for it (we had). I just said that I wasn't expecting to bring home a baby with hip problems and, as I was overwhelmed and hormonal, I cried.

At that time my husband just sat there and said nothing. When MIL left he had a go at me and said I had been rude for crying. Even thought I had felt like his mother was blaming or attacking me in some way.

That incident was almost two years ago and I obviously have had interactions with my in laws since then.

I actually hate crying in front of others as it makes me feel both weak and vulnerable.

I accept that I probably am sometimes snippy with his MIL. Partly this is down to the previous history and partly I think it's self preservation - a way to cope and not be weak enough to be crying in front of her.

I didn't mention FIL as he doesn't communicate or talk to me. He was the one who missed our wedding vows - MIL was there in time.

[RedMapleLeaf]

I agree with those saying that it sounds more as though tensions are running high and perhaps there's been unreasonableness on both sides. It sounds as though these tearful reactions aren't helping you and that you could support yourself in looking for alternative ways of responding to some situations.

[emotionsecho]

I'm not criticising you for crying, OP, I am concerned that you have been reduced to tears by your MIL and your dh has stood idly by and not supported you, particularly on occasions when it has been obvious you were under a great deal of emotional strain such as after the birth of your son.

The incident around the swaddle, a normal, kind, considerate person would have comforted you not say "well you asked me to buy one" and would have understood how upset, fragile and emotional you were because you had just given birth and your son had health issues.

Your medical history is your business alone, you do not have to share it with anyone, there was no need to have to carefully word a text, no need to give them any details whatsoever.

To me, your dh is spending far too much time thinking about his parents and nowhere near enough thinking about and supporting his wife.

Your husband sounds weak and easily manipulated when in the presence of his parents, the decision around you changing your name reflects that, again it is none of their business, it is not their decision and indeed it is not actually your husband's decision either it is/was your decision and your decision alone.

I think you need a serious talk with your dh, he is behaving as a son, not a husband.

I hope your son is well now, congratulations on the birth of your daughter and please look after yourself.

[rollonthesummer]

you do seem hell bent on a confrontation with your mother in law

I agree with this-you need to try to calm down a bit, I think. When your MIL asked a perfectly harmless question about the hospital, saying 'We don't want to talk about it' is unnecessarily rude. Saying-'It was a long wait and I've got to go back in a few weeks' would have been enough information without being rude.

Understandably though, you're tired and emotional-you've just had a baby.

[Floisme]

Your mother in law may well be difficult but it sounds like she's also getting the blame for both your husband's and your father in law's behaviour.

Your husband should have backed you 100% over not changing your name and told his parents there was nothing to discuss. As for then changing his mind, I would have been furious - with him. And as we've already said, at the moment he should be running round like a blue arsed fly looking after you and supporting you totally.

MIL's behaviour at the wedding sounds awful but I'm suprised you're not just as angry with your father in law who couldn't even be arsed to get there on time. As for the present, it sounds like she (or rather they) chose something in good faith and I'm not sure why she's getting all the blame here. Apologies if I'm missing something

And whatever her failings, at least your mother in law seems to make an effort. I think it's far worse that your father in law doesn't even talk to you.

I don't think you should be worrying about any of this at the moment. But maybe when you're feeling stronger, you could think about why you're directing all your resentment at one person?

[leedy]

"As for the present, it sounds like she (or rather they) chose something in good faith and I'm not sure why she's getting all the blame here. Apologies if I'm missing something "

I read the present story as the MIL getting snappy/rude because the OP didn't want the present that she'd asked for/had been upset to see the present, even though the reason why she didn't want it any more was because her child had health issues that meant he couldn't use it. Like an implied "I don't know why you're carrying on like that, you asked for it".

[Floisme]

Ah right, I see, thanks and fair enough. I still think she's kopping for husband and father in law's arsiness as well as her own.

[Hellocampers]

Oh dear they don't sound a very warm or supportive bunch do they?

WTAF are you making the tea while there's your mil/sils/dh there?

You are the queen and they should be running around after you.

If my post birth dil told me she didn't want to talk about her birth trauma then I would totally accept that.

As for your dhs relationship with his mother I am close to my dss but seriously expect them to have my dils backs at all times otherwise I have failed as a mom.

Cannot understand any poster criticising a 2 day post both mum for shedding tears. Quite normal and understandable.

You do realise that for your dh to call u an evil cow is absolutely unnaceptable and disgraceful. He needs a massive kick up the arse.

[leedy]

"Quite normal and understandable."

Absolutely. I only had PND with DS1, but at a few days postpartum with DS2 I cried at, amongst other things, an episode of Fireman Sam, a picture of DS2 WHILE HE WAS BESIDE ME, and cheese.

[Tired2ndTimeMum]

Leedy thank you so much for making me smile. The midwife was out this morning and reassured me that it's normal to feel tearful at this stage due to hormones.

Thank you for succinctly explaining the scenario with my son too. He had surgery when he was 5 months old but recovered well and is currently doing fine (thank you all who asked). Our daughter will be tested for the same problems this week.

This seems to have turned into an MIL thread... I think I've already said that I know I was abrupt.

I may not have made it clear but my original AIBU question was whether or not I was wrong to expect to be cut some slack given the circumstances.

My husband told me his mother was 'visibly shaken' and seemingly cried. I didn't witness this as I was busy tidying then changing the baby's nappy.

Obviously there is more at play here and obviously I have a shaky in-law relationship. I made the decision a long time ago not to worry about the FIL - at this stage I feel like it's not worth my energy or concern.

I'm not upset or cross with the MiL. I understand that she was just making conversation . But I was annoyed and frustrated that my husband couldn't haven't primed her before I came downstairs and told her I didn't want to discuss it. He said that he did but I take that with a pinch of salt.

Ultimately I am angry with my husband. He ignored me then shouted at me - upsetting both me and the toddler.

I really wanted to know if it was unreasonable for me to expect him to support me more given that i had just given birth and that I was still distressed about the hospital visit.

I feel betrayed as he didn't do anything to help me. If he saw his mother was upset he could've told her that I was still very upset and told her not to take it personally. He was able to do that when my own parents were there.

It's more the fact that his mother's feelings seemed to be prioritised above mine. Despite the fact that I am his wife and mother to his two children. Some posters have touched on this already. I don't know that there's a solution. But the whole experience was hurtful and I still feel very upset and emotional about it all - regardless of whether I was right or wrong (or unreasonable in my expectations to want to be supported - even whilst being a hormonal snappy bitch).

[BerylStreep]

Yes, yes, yes, your husband is being an arse.

It does somewhat seem as if 'crying' is deemed to be the trump card in this family dynamic though.

'His mother was visibly shaken and crying'. Why? Because you were abrupt? Complete over-reaction. But because crying is used as the go to response to conflict, it effectively turns 'a bit miffed' into high drama, and effectively shuts down any rational response. And tbh, the dynamic you describe has all of you buying into this, including your husband.

When things have calmed down for you, it might be worth thinking about this. But for the moment, please, try not to think about this too much. Try to put family conflict to one side, and concentrate on yourself & the baby.

[emotionsecho]

You are absolutely not in any way shape or form unreasonable for wanting or expecting your husband's support at any time, not just after hospital visits or giving birth.

The fact he was able to articulate to your parents your upset but blamed you and upset you because he was incapable or unwilling to do the same with his speaks volumes, OP. His mother and her feelings are more important to him than yours, he's happy to dance attendance on her and her views but not yours.

[InimitableJeeves]

I suppose there are things you could have done more tactfully. With the swaddling present, for instance, there probably wasn't any need to say you couldn't use it, you could just have accepted it; likewise you could have put your wish not to discuss your health less abruptly. But I fully recognise that I'm saying that with all the luxury of hindsight and without having given birth a few days ago!

Can you try to sit down calmly with your DH and say that you recognise you could have done these things better, but perhaps he and his family should realise that a person who has just given birth, is sleep deprived and had a prolapse may not get everything 100% right all the time? Also, would he please acknowledge that he too could have averted the recent upset by (a) telling his family before you got there that you don't want to discuss your health and (b) being a lot more helpful so it's not left to you (with a prolapse and all) to do all the tidying up etc?

[CatThiefKeith]

Tired, you have a dh problem, not an inlaw problem. My mil can be challenging and in the early days dh used to look at me puzzled if I kicked off about her, because he grew up with her, and her oddness was his normal.

I found the best way to deal with it was to feign affection for her, and repeat what she said to me in a mock 'you won't believe what your mum said, she must have meant something else, isn't she funny and isn't it a good job I am not easily offended' type way.

It only took a year or do for him to realise she was being a nasty witch. It also had the advantage of making me look even more lovely for not wanting to think the worst of her. We are now very much a United front and mil no longer pulls any weird stunts.

Having said all that, you do seem to cry quite a lot, and I wonder if there is in underlying issue? Maybe worth visiting you gp, just in case.

[diddl]

"Tired, you have a dh problem, not an inlaw problem."

Absolutely!

You may have snapped at your MIL, but if she can't see that having to go back in at all was obviously not a good thing, then she needs to catch a hold of herself.

I can't help thinking that your husband overdramatised her reaction tbh.

As for even having to have a discussion about what would be said to his parents about your hospital appointment, well I'm gobsmacked.

The answer is nothing by him & whatever you want by you!

[yorkshapudding]

"you have a DH problem, not an in law problem".

Agree with this 100%. The problem here isn't your in laws, it's that DH doesn't put you first, even when you're recovering from giving birth to his child. Two days postpartum, some irritability or snappiness is completely understandable and to be expected. If his Mum was genuinely "visibly shaken" at hearing the phrase "I don't want to talk about it" then, frankly, she is ill equipped to cope with life and must find herself feeling shaken a lot I simply can't imagine my DH shouting at me and calling me an "evil cow" two days after I had given birth for any reason. The fact that your DH lost it with you over something so trivial seems completely over the top. Does he often shout at you and call you names?

[Floisme]

Yes, absolutely he should be supporting you more. Even if you hadn't just given birth, he shouldn't be calling you names. He shouldn't stand by and let your mother in law attack you or your father in law ignore you.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Phoenix0x0]

In anwser to if you were BU in regards to DH giving you some slack.....YADNBU!

Who the hell does he think he is....you are an evil cow because you may/may not have been a little abrupt to his mother.

Personally, i think you need to speak yell at your DH and tell him that his actions and words are wholly not acceptable. You have just given birth to and will need possibly surgery due to the complications of giving birth.

This mummys boy needs to grow the hell up or move the hell out.

I'm sorry OP, but I'm not sure I could neither forget or forgive this.