AIBU? New Baby, Return to hospital & MIL drama

[Tired2ndTimeMum]

Long time lurker and slightly addicted to AIBU but never posted before today.

I won't go into the full backstory but I don't really get on with my in-laws ever since they cornered me in a room in their home a few weeks before my wedding to their son And made me cry because they didn't agree with my choice not to change my surname on marriage.

My husband had been happy with my choice up until he mentioned it in passing to his mother and suddenly it was a massive drama.

I actually considered changing my surname to keep the peace but, as my FIL and SIL didn't turn up until after we exchanged vows and then my MIL made both my sister and I cry during the meal after the wedding, I decided I would stand by my principles and keep my own name.

When my first son was born there was additional drama with MIL. I cried because MIL had bought my son something he could no longer use due to health problems. I had originally asked for the item but hadn't known that my son's health issues would prevent him from using it.

I tried explaining this but ended up crying. My husband believed that was rude and it caused a massive argument (We had only been home from hospital for a day).

Fast forward until today. I've just had a baby girl. We were home from hospital on Friday afternoon. On Saturday the midwives checked my stitches and advised that I should go back to hospital for a second opinion.

My in laws life 5-10 minutes away. My own parents are an hour away. My husband said we had to return to hospital and asked if any of his 3 sisters or one parent could babysit while we returned to hospital. They were unable to help as they had an appointment booked to look at wedding dresses.

No big problem or drama - I called my parents and they came to babysit my 22 month old.

At hospital I'm told that I have a prolapse which should have been stitched following childbirth. I'm not in pain but they won't try to fix this for at least 6 weeks. We spent hours in hospital waiting and o was a bit traumatised by the news that it couldn't be fixed there and then. The waiting, the exhaustion and the lack of a revolution led to lots of tears.

This morning one of my SILs texted to ask how I was and to ask what time was best to visit. I suggested a time to my husband and he let his sister know that i'd be fine but would need another checkup.

We discussed how he would word his response as neither of us wanted to go into full details of the problem. We agreed that we'd say I was fine, that I would need a further checkup in 6 weeks. I said that, ultimately, we didn't want to talk about it. My husband said he wouldn't put that in the text (which I understood and was fine with) but I told him it was perfectly acceptable to say that in person if required.

I hadn't slept or showered/washed since returning home from hospital so, when both babies fell asleep today, I went to have a shower and wash my hair.

I took my time as I wasn't expecting his sister until 2.30pm/3pm but, just after 2pm I became aware of my husband talking to other adults downstairs.

I finished getting dressed and went downstairs to find my PIL and one SIL (who was outside on the phone).

Instead of sitting in the lounge my husband had directed everyone into the messy kitchen (which instantly annoyed me). Instead of handing the baby over to one of his family my husband was sitting holding her.

By way of an explanation for my earlier absence I commented that my husband should've told me we had guests. I.e. I would've come downstairs sooner had I known people were there.

The first thing my MIL asked was 'How did you get on at the hospital yesterday?' That's a perfectly acceptable question but my hormones are everywhere and the thought of my whole experience (stuck in TV maternity waiting area with a newborn for 4hours, being checked by MORE people and then being told they wouldn't 'fix' me) has left me really upset and emotional.

I was annoyed that my husband hadn't already briefed his mother and told her I didn't want to talk or think about it. But clearly he hasn't.

My response was 'I'm fine. We don't really want to talk about it.'

My husband looked horrified by that response so I said 'but we DONT want to talk about it.' As in... That had been our agreement.

My husband then continued to sit with the baby whilst I busied myself tidying some of the mess in the kitchen and getting cups ready for tea.

After a while I took the baby as she was long overdue a nappy change and feed. My husband made tea and our toddler woke up.

SIL said they'd go as they wanted to attend a wedding fair. I stopped breastfeeding so she could hold her niece for the first time. They took some photos, we waved goodbye, they left.

My husband disappeared upstairs and left me wrestling with both children. When I went to look for him to ask for help he started shouting - seemingly the way I had spoken to his mother was totally unacceptable and I was an evil cow.

I pointed out that we had both previously agreed we didn't want to talk about it. I also said that he could've told his mother that before I came downstairs. Yesterday when we returned home from hospital and my parents asked how I was I just cried. When that happened my husband had said I was five but upset. I couldn't understand why he couldn't have done the same thing today.

Instead he just went on and on about how I'm a horrible person and how hurt and upset he was at how I had spoken to his mother.

I'm still hurt by the experience of our wedding as my husband never really accepted that it was okay for me to be upset at what happened. On our wedding night he called his mother for a little chat while I cried my eyes out in the bath: I never received any sort of apology.

Yet here I am... Just two days after giving birth... My hormones everywhere and totally exhausted from lack of sleep and juggling a newborn with a needy and upset toddler, while my husband once again expects me to just overlook everything that happened in the last and treat his mother like some sort of queen.

I said I felt like I should be cut some slack given how close this is to the birth and given that I had received really upsetting news yesterday about the missed stitch. Seemingly not.

So... If any of you have made it this far, WIBU?

I accept I was abrupt... But surely I should be cut a little bit of slack? And surely I should expect my husband to back me up for once? Or is that unreasonable?

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Yet again, when a woman gives birth (and beyond, it seems), her right to patient confidentiality goes out of the window, because her body and her medical procedures are everyone's decision and rights to claim except hers.

Tell your harpy of a MIL and your spineless husband that when they're in hospital for pile surgery and anal abscesses, you will expect full detailed updates every time you demand them because THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE RUDE.

[Tired2ndTimeMum]

After spending most of today ignoring each other my husband and I started to talk and interact when our son returned home from nursery.

All was going reasonably well until my husband said he was still upset.

I said that I was upset too. I repeated that I had just given birth and should be cut a bit of slack.

Yesterday afternoon (following the incident with MiL) my sister called to visit. As my husband was upstairs ignoring me following his screaming attack on my earlier my sister held the baby while I fed my older son dinner. My husband came downstairs and tried to lift our son from his high chair to take him out in the car. I asked him to wait until our son had finished eating.

He did as I asked - ignoring my sister and I.

As soon as my son finished eating he carried him to the car.

While he was gone the doorbell rang. My husband's aunt, uncle and niece were on the doorstep. I was still upset but I invited them in, explained that my husband wasn't in but said that the baby was here and they could see here. I offered them tea (they declined) and let them nurse the new arrival whilst I accepted the gift and card they brought and made conversation.

My husband arrived back after ten minutes or so. Ten to fifteen minutes after that my SIL and her family (husband and two children) arrived. Again I offered them tea, spoke to them and accepted the card/gift.

All the while acting as if all was fine. His sister actually asked about the hospital (just not in front of everyone). I told her that there had been a lot of waiting and that they couldn't resolve the problem but said that I wasn't in any pain and would go back in 6 weeks or so. Which she accepted without issue and we got on with the visit.

Back to today... My husband didn't accept my point about wanting some slack. He said that the way I had talked to his mother was unacceptable. I said I was hurt too and that I had just given birth. I told him I was upset that he prioritised her feelings above mine. He said that was because she was his mother and he loved her.

I pointed out that I was his wife and the mother of his children. I asked did he not love me too. He said he didn't when I spoke to his mother 'like that'

My parents rang this morning and we're going to visit. I asked them to wait until tomorrow or Wednesday. I would've liked to have seen them as I know they would help with tidying and would bring and make me food (my husband did neither today - I tidied the kitchen again).

I had asked them to delay as I didn't want them visiting with the atmosphere between my husband and I.

My husband said that when my family visited he would be a cunt to them. He said they weren't welcome and weren't invited. I said that if I needed help and support then they would be there and I needed them.

He told me that, in that case, he would invite his parents to visit for three hours at the same time. This was a dig at my sister's visit yesterday. Except while my sister was here she held the baby so I could feed our son, she entertained our son and my husband's two young nieces in the back garden while we spoke to SIL and my husband's aunt, and she also dressed our son for bed and distracted him with new toy cars so that I could breastfeed undisturbed.

I asked my husband to stop as my son was getting upset again this evening. It breaks my heart to see that. No child should have to see that.

We had frequent arguments throughout my pregnancy (and even while I was in early labour) but I had felt like we bonded during the labour and even during and after the post birth hospital visit.

Now I just feel like there is no way to move on. My husband had suggested I apologise to his mother. For him that seems to be the main issue.

For me... For me I don't really know what to do. Part of me feels like just walking out with our children but I don't think it's fair to uproot them like that.

Regardless of whether I'm unreasonable or not I won't be apologising to his mother. As a previous poster said... I would expect her to just chalk it up to my hormones on her own - if my husband wants to explain further to her then that's fine. But I want to forget and move on from the incident. It's just difficult when he doesn't seem to accept at all that he may have been slightly unreasonable in his expectations of me.

[LadyShirazz]

What a fucking arse!!!!!!!

Apologise, keep the peace, get your mind body and soul together and then the fuck out.

The first posts were bad - this latest is just appalling!

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Do not apologise to his mother. You have done nothing wrong. Wtf is wrong with him, playing families off each other like pawns with no regard for the welfare of his kids and his wife who is suffering post-labour complications? What planet does this gutless, spineless wimp live on?

[HermioneWeasley]

Your mistake was not getting the marriage annulled as he called his mother while you cried.

Anyone who would treat a postpartum woman, let alone his wife, the way he has is an unforgivable cockwomble.

Divorce his ass.

[PHANTOMnamechanger]

Bloody hell OP, I feel so sorry for you love. Your DH is under the control of his domineering mother and treats her like god or a queen. I cannot believe he does not stick up for you.

That 'on a pedestal' role should be reserved for you, the love of his life and mother of his DC.
They were late to your wedding, then caused a scene about the speeches and made you cry. He still spoke to her on his wedding night, which should ahve been all about the 2 of you.
You have 2 tiny children, one with a medical condition diagnosed at birth - of course you were going to be teary when you realised baby would not be able to use the gift you had chosen!
You have had complications following this birth, you are tired and hormonal, and all he can do is get angry that you were rude to his mother. The mother who is always being mean and making you cry!

Is there any chance at all that he would lsiten if you told him how crappy you are feeling - would he go to counseling? If you can take the DCs and go to your parents for a few days, i'd go. at least there you will get help and someone to muck in and let you rest.

[diddl]

What an absolute fucking disgusting disgrace he is.

"My husband said that when my family visited he would be a cunt to them."

THat is so nasty I'm just shocked.

[BBQsAreSooooOverrated]

You shouldn't be dealing with all your dhs crap just after giving birth. What an asshat he is. Him making you get up to clean the kitchen etc surely won't be helping with he prolapse either :(

[drivingmisspotty]

Can you go to your Mum and Dads' for a while? Just to get some space and have someone take care of you a bit? No need to make any decisions yet about 'uprooting' children or divorce. Just a chance for a break from all the visitors and the tension until you feel more your normal self and take it from there?

[CatThiefKeith]

If he's this fucking nasty just after you've had a baby op he will only get worse. Can you go and stay with your family permanently for a bit to give you some breathing space?

Fucking arse.

[CatThiefKeith]

Should have refreshed before posting, miss said it much better! :)

[Bluetrews25]

If you don't want your MIL to know anything about your medical condition, you will probably have to make sure that DH knows no details, too. Leave him in the waiting room, assuming he is going to attend with you......but I think that is the least of your problems.

[Scarydinosaurs]

Is going to stay with your parents a possibility? I'm worried that you're not getting the emotional support you need post birth.

[yorkshapudding]

He sounds like a controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive arsehole. It's clear from your update that he's a very angry man with some significant issues and that those issues are already starting to affect your toddler. I'm sorry but f he can't extend a bit of basic kindness to you when you've just given birth I don't think there's any reason to believe he'll change. I think you should call your parents back and ask them to come and get you and the kids. Would they do that do you think? Or your sister? You need to be with people who will take care of you and get some space to think things through.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

What they mostly said - he's a fucking wanker.

Never mind "uprooting the children" - do you really want them to live in this atmosphere, where their mother is treated with contempt? Where their father clearly prefers his own mother to theirs? Where you become the house slave because no one else from his family can offer to do anything to help you?

Leave the sorry bastard to his mother. In fact, rather than apologise to his mother, tell him that IF she comes round while your parents are also round, then he might as well pack a bag and fuck off back home with them, because he's clearly far more emotionally attached to her than either you or his children.

So GLAD you kept your own name. You wouldn't want to be linked to this unreconstructed mammy's boy in any more ways than you already are.

What good things does he do for you? Not for the children (your DS currently) but for YOU - anything? If not, then he's not worth the airspace he's taking up in your life, so ditch him.

DO get your parents over ASAP. They at least will help and support. IF he's a cunt to them, then he might learn a few things about what TRUE parents do for their child! (Under these circs, my Dad would have had a few choice words for him!)

So so sorry that it's taken this to really show his true colours, where his true loyalties lie.

And don't apologise.

[tobysmum77]

Do you have the number of a locksmith?

As is often the case you don't have a mil problem you have a 'd'h problem.

[saoirse31]

At start op I felt that in earlier examples you seemed to cry maybe v easily but reading all this I wonder if you'd be so much more calm, strong and happy without this man in your house. Though you'll always clearly have him and family in your life because of your DC, it would be so much easier for you to have virtually no contact other than handovers, emails to arrange things etc


Congrats on your new baby and all the best for the future

[BerylStreep]

Can you speak to your midwife about this? Tell her your husband is being deliberately emotionally & verbally abusive to you.

[tea]

[Bellebella]

Congrats on your new baby.

Seriously though your husband is a wanker. Even if he did think you was rude, he could cut you some slack. You have just had a baby. That and not helping with your ds or the baby is not on. Sorry you are having to deal with this

[redshoeblueshoe]

Tired - this is awful.
If you were my DD I would suggest that you either kick him out, or came back home.

[var123]

I want to post that you need to not upset yourself about your husband. That you need to put it to one side and resolve it later, when everything has calmed down and you've had a chance to just enjoy your new baby with him. That it would be good if other people didn't point out his faults to give you chance.

But, I can't post that because he's so childish that he won't let you. Apparently you have three children to contend with: your baby, your toddler and your sulking husband who appears to not understand the meaning of responsibility. I am sorry.

Why not think of him like a child and just attempt to not let him have your attention when he behaves so badly. Mainly that means that you are on your own with taking responsibility for the two little ones. Mentally, fence him off and don't let the man-child hurt you.

[yorkshapudding]

How are things today OP?

[BerylStreep]

I hope things are better today, but I suspect they won't be. It sounds like a pressure cooker.

What is your relationship like with your family? Would they be supportive if you asked to stay with them for a few days until things calmed down? Do they live nearby? Are they in a position and healthy enough to help?

Your sister must have been aware there were problems when she visited yesterday - what were her views on what is going on?

Am I right in thinking you are visiting them tomorrow? If so, would it be an idea to pack a few clothes and at the end of the visit tell your husband that you are going to stay there with the DC for a few days?

Sorry, loads of questions.

[Tired2ndTimeMum]

I'm struggling a bit today.

My husband bathed our son and put him to bed last night which was helpful.

Unfortunately the new baby was very unsettled from 8pm until nearly 2am. I had planned on eating after she and my son fell asleep but that didn't happen.

My husband brought our son in to me at 7.30am which wasn't too early or too bad. I asked if he could change the new baby's nappy and he asked if it needed to be done now. It did as she had just filled it.. He said he needed to go to the bathroom first but just left and went back to bed.

I am breastfeeding both babies so it took me half an hour to get my son detached so I could change the new baby's nappy.

I set the newborn down so I could dress our son for crèche but for stressed when the newborn fries, the toddler struggled and my husband just lay in bed doing nothing. I asked if he was leaving our son to crèche or if I would have to get dressed. Eventually he got up and got dressed. In the meantime I had dressed our son and settled the newborn

When both babies cry it feels a bit overwhelming. And part of me feels so bad for my son - he's only 22 months old and never asked for a screaming baby to come upset his life!

I know that if I called my parents they would come get me immediately.

I haven't told them any of the back story with the in-laws or the arguments as I don't want them to worry. But they can tell when I'm stressed and I know that they only want me to be happy and would do anything to support me.

The baby is sleeping now and seems settled so I'm going to try to get a drink and some food - I haven't had anything since yesterday and I feel bad about that as I know I should be focussing on keeping my strength up for both babies.

My husband returned from the crèche drop off and turned off the music I had been listening to. Other than that we've had no interaction.

I am going to try to focus on me and the babies for now. I feel like, if I talk to my husband, it will just turn into another shouting match.

He doesn't see that he may be even slightly in the wrong and seems wholly focussed on his own and his mother's feelings right now. If that's the case then I just need to stay focussed on me and on my babies.