To refuse to pander to her?

[MadHattersWineParty]

My mother, who wants me to pen her a letter on why I have made her feel rubbish....

Background is, I'm nearly thirty but we've always had a tricky relationship. I feel like everything always has to be on her terms and the overall atmosphere of any family gathering is dependent on what mood she is in. I live a few hours away and she keeps in touch by sending me statements over email that might just say 'I'm looking for a new job' or, 'we are going to do the floor in the house today' or, if o haven't been responding to the above, links to online 'evidence' of the latest food that is causing her health problems. (She has no diagnosed allergies or intolerances despite numerous tests) never a 'Hi, how are you?' phone conversations are quite hard work as she talks about herself and her problems for about 90% of the time we are on the phone. When I was younger I found it really difficult to live with her as I always just felt that she just didn't like me very much. She never seems to be that interested until she can use something to sort of gain some attention or spotlight onto her, IYKWIM.

Anyway. My dad had surgery recently and I wanted to take some time off work to travel to see him and stay a few days. He's in a lot of pain and will need physio. My parents are divorced but he lives in the next town to my mum. It happened as when I was packing s few things together I got a phone call from my gran (my mum's mum, we get on well and keep in touch although I don't get to see her very often) and I mentioned I was travelling back home. My grandparents then offered to pick me up from my train and take me out for some lunch. Then they drove me to my dad's.

Now, I should have mentioned to my mum at some point that I was going to be in the area, but I really just wanted to see how my Dad was, and as my mum is usually quite busy with various things I intended to drop her a line the next day and see if she was free for a quick coffee. The visit just wasn't about her, I've been worried about my dad and just wanted to spend time with him.

Unfortunately my Gran (who my mum does not get on with) phoned my mum and told her about the lunch and how lovely it had been to see me.

So I got a message from my mum telling me I had embarrassed her by her by not knowing I was back, that she didn't know what she's done wrong, and they she now expects me to write her a letter to explain my actions. She then said she did not want to see my anyway and she'd been having a shit time recently and I'd made her feel rubbish about herself, so thanks for that. So I left it at that, apart from a message back saying I didn't want to fall out and was not a big conspiracy not telling her I was back, but in hindsight I should have mentioned it.

I don't know what to bloody do. I don't want to sit down and write such a letter. Don't know how to move forward as if I don't we will be at a stalemate. The letter I presume I I am expected to grovel a bit and sort of 'explain myself' I'm not really sure TBH.

Thanks for reading as is so long. AIBU for not wanting to write a bloody essay on the reasons why I'm a rubbish daughter?!

[FithColumnist]

ElderlyKoreanLady has the right idea.

[Pneumometer]

she now expects me to write her a letter to explain my actions.

www.lettersofnote.com/2013/08/arkell-v-pressdram.html

Private Eye received the following letter:

We act for Mr Arkell who is Retail Credit Manager of Granada TV Rental Ltd. His attention has been drawn to an article appearing in the issue of Private Eye dated 9th April 1971 on page 4. The statements made about Mr Arkell are entirely untrue and clearly highly defamatory. We are therefore instructed to require from you immediately your proposals for dealing with the matter.

Mr Arkell's first concern is that there should be a full retraction at the earliest possible date in Private Eye and he will also want his costs paid. His attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of your reply.

Private Eye, then rather feistier than they now are, responded as follows:

We acknowledge your letter of 29th April referring to Mr. J. Arkell.

We note that Mr Arkell's attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of our reply and would therefore be grateful if you would inform us what his attitude to damages would be, were he to learn that the nature of our reply is as follows: fuck off.

[cranberryx]

I wouldn't write the letter, and the fact that she has asked you to do so simply illustrated how narcissistic she is.

If she tries to contact you further, or even ask for the letter say - "I have a lot on my mind right now as my father is unwell." and say nothing else. If she is aware of his issues and still trying to make it about her go NC until you either naturally get back in contact or just fall out.

You sound like she is emotionally draining you, and at a tough time with your father right now, you don't need that.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

Dear Mother, I'm 30 not 4, xx

[IhateMagic]

Offer to fax the letter, which will be a black piece of A4 sellotaped into a ring that will send on an endless loop using up her ink.

[Toomanyradishes]

I have one of those narcassistic mothers, and I'm also 30 being treated like a child, a right barrel of laughs isnt it. I have found ignoring her more ridiculous suggestions has helped slightly, but you have my sympathy. Just keep reminding yourself you are an adult and she has no right to try to control you, you dont have to behave the way she wants you to because its your life, you only get one chance at it so you have to be who you want to be not who she wants you to be.

[MillionToOneChances]

Another vote for the very beautifully written single paragraph letter saying you'd intended to arrange to meet her for coffee but you're sorry you forgot to text. Because you did and you are, but you don't owe her any grovelling.

[Dawndonnaagain]

Crikey, I thought nobody could beat my narc mother, but this comes damned close.
Sorry OP but unless you want this for the rest of her life, you're going to have to walk away. I did and it's bloody lovely. I never have to worry about what she's going to say, how she's going to guilt trip me what she's telling other people about me. I love it. Oh, and strangely, turns out most folk were on my side and were really quite aware of what she was up to. The only people that thought that she was skilled in making it look like she was the victim were me and her, as I say, everyone else could see exactly what she was up to.

[FundamentalistQuaker]

I honestly would not write. Your mother has not asked for a letter because she needs to understand your reasons-if that were the motivation you would have had a grown-up conversation on the phone. She has asked for one to make you feel punished and guilty, to make you jump through hoops, and to exert control.

Any letter, however clever the wording, just sends the message that you have accepted this. So my advice is don't write, the ball is in her court so far as getting in contact with you is concerned.

[Heels99]

Ignore. She is trying FOG you are right not to pander to her. Do not reply

[lardyscouse]

just e-mail her a link.

www.google.co.uk/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rlz=1T4VSNH_enGB624GB625&q=father+jack+%22so+so+sorry%22

[lardyscouse]

bugger... try again

[MadHattersWineParty]

Thanks lardyscouse I am sorely tempted!

[YouTheCat]

Do it!

[WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant]

Dear mummy,
Sorry I am a rubbish daughter, but that's the way you brought me up. I learned it all from you.
Love from madhatter

[Coffeemarkone]

" I don't know what to bloody do."
madmatter, do nothing, just nothing.

[Coffeemarkone]

nothing, I mean, other than concentrate on your Dad and Gran.
Honestly, 'write her a letter' really?
Was she a teacher once by any chance?

[grapejuicerocks]

Text her.

Mum, it wasn't deliberate. Let's move on.

Then contact her as and when, you normally would. If she still gives you grief, then ignore and carry on as usual. Broken record - it wasn't deliberate. We've moved on.

[MadHattersWineParty]

Not a teacher. She was a youth worker.

She's been on at me to write a bloody letter on and off over the years to explain the reasons behind various things I've done and problems I've apparently caused!

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Don't write her a letter explaining anything, It will be brought up again and again etc. any time that she wants to guilt you in to something.

[ALittleFaith]

I agree, if you write a letter it will be unpicked and brought up at every tense moment.

Recognise that she's unreasonable. There's a good book called you're not mad, it's your mother by Carina Norris and Robin Pauc. I reckon you'd find it useful.

[QueenBitchFromHell]

Tell her if she wants a letter she needs to send her request formally by post.

[LurkingHusband]

*ALittleFaith"

Are you sure about that reference ? I just Googled, and didn't find that book, but I found this:

www.amazon.co.uk/Youre-Not-Crazy-Your-Mother/dp/0232529299?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

which I intend to read asap.

[Kintsugi]

erm..the f**k off solutions are:
Just send her either a "get well soon" card - just signed - no message

or an "Im sorry" card
and inside
"Your therapy dosnt seem to be working !"
love Mad

she is not entitled to know anything about your thinking or behaviour that you dont choose to share - and the controlling behaviour here is quite worrying

however more effective is this:
sometimes you can reverse the problem and "Regift it"
You could ask her ( text?) to write to you as you dont exactly understand what she is asking for, and would be grateful if she could break it down into seperate issues for you, what she feels about each of these and which parts she feels you are both directly and indirectly responsible for..

looks caring - but is .weeeelll - not at all nice really
all she can do is write how she feels you are responsible for how she feels or how she feels others percieve her...

which of course you arnt - and if she challenges your request - just repeat "But I dont understand, what is it you think i've done?"

[ALittleFaith]

Oops you're right Lurking.