To think I have made a mistake?

[pinktrufflechoc]

I applied for and got a job starting in January when I was pregnant.

I had a very difficult pregnancy. I'm not sure I ever stopped being sick and I was in a very black mood throughout - it honestly felt so bleak, everything did. I almost felt like I wanted to die. I was desperately looking for positive ways I could change my life as I just felt trapped and applying for the job was part of that.

Anyway the baby is out and mentally I feel better although I still feel a bit bruised and battered and tire easily and so on but I don't feel suicidal or depressed any more. But the job is hanging over me a bit.

It's full time, and I won't profit at all from it as everything will be eaten up in childcare fees. I know I'm not always going to feel so tired but I still will if you see what I mean.

I think I have made a mistake and am not sure whether to start and potentially hand my notice in after a term (school based position) or speak to them and see about not starting at all if you like. The latter seems easier on everyone but the former seems like I have at least tried?

What do you think? Am asking here as I'm genuinely unsure of what the most sensible thing to do is.

[ziggyziggy]

i think as others have said wait until you need to make a decision.

if you decide against going for it there is no shame at all, you need to do what is best for you.

bear in mind that with a baby life is harder so a difficult job on top could be very draining, if you decide to go for it.

focus on making life easiest for you (and baby) now.

if really you think it will lift a huge weight off you now and stop you going in endless circles in your head to tell them you're not going to go back to it then you could do that, it might help sort your head out a bit. But if you do this bear in mind your options will be smaller if in future you decide you wanted to go back. that said you could focus on finding a different job you really want to do, but only as and when baby is a bit older and not before!

[pinktrufflechoc]

I really need to decide by end of the month, which was why I posted.

[ziggyziggy]

xpost there with your last msg, pink, sorry

it sounds as though you have made up your mind (you don't really want to go back) but are having guilt issues about it, if so drop the guilt and do it, you will feel better if you get on with it and tell them you don't want to go.

You can always find a more suitable job later - life won't end if you don't take it.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

It is hard, made harder by the gov guilt factor in getting moms to work, and society thinking that you are a scrounger if not. I didnt work for 7 years, and we managed. I felt lucky to be able to care for my own children when so many returned to work. The childcare/stress/time was a big factor. Take it easy. Maybe dont turn it down but ask if you can do part time if a position arises.

[Headofthehive55]

You can always stop if it's too much. Why don't you ask for part time? Or you could ask for part time after starting as you have found it too much. Do you want to do the actual job?

It's not always easy to go back if you have been out of a career role for even a couple of years. And that year or two has a habit of turning into four or five...

I wondered about going back after my fourth. Dire warnings from family all wondering how I'd manage. How I'd get all the housework done...(why was it all my problem), childcare ate most of the earnings...

I did return, now all children are at school, I earn more than I would do if I went back now and it's a good platform to springboard from.

Thanks to one friend who said give it a try.

[pinktrufflechoc]

I can't ask for part time as it was advertised as a full time position and that's what they need - a teacher there five days a week. Timetables will have been drawn up and arranged already.

I don't honestly have a clue what the best thing to do is. I'm absolutely dreading it but I think I'd feel so awful if I pulled out I'm not sure that's the answer either!

[ziggyziggy]

If you're dreading it it sounds like the wrong thing to do.

Any guilt or feeling awful you feel about not starting will be short term, but if you go to a job you hate think about the longer term impact of that and how long you will be feeling awful.

If you decide not to go for it, if you explain honestly about having just had a baby and realising that it's not something you can do they will understand, say you are worried about the impact on your MH of having a job and a young baby and you just don't think you can do it. They will be fine.

Then you could focus on finding a job you really want to do that fits around your life with your baby.

[Seriouslyffs]

Please give yourself permission to not make a decision yet. Timetables won't have been drawn up yet and the school will survive without you! The children don't even know you exist and every school at the beginning if every term has staffing changes. In 3 months time you might well be happy to get out to work. Or you might want to stay at home. Either option is valid, but you're not in a position to make that decision now.
I'm concerned about your nausea can you talk to you GP? It sounds like anxiety and some mindfulness/ CBT or relaxation techniques would help a lot.
And ! You have a new baby! Enjoy today!

[yetanotherchangename]

I hear what you are saying about needing to make a decision now, both for the school and for your own wellbeing. I think you know really that now doesn't mean immediately. The school aren't going to do anything about it now even if you can get a message to them, so realistically there is no point in making a decision before the end of the first week in September.

Re childcare - presumably if you arrange something now for January you will be able to withdraw if you give sufficient notice?

Given that you actually don't need to make a decision right now, perhaps you could allow yourself a certain amount of time everyday to think/worry about it? This was useful advice I was once given by a counsellor - allocate a set time for worrying, but don't let it pervade what you are doing the rest of the time. If you have thoughts about the issue, tell yourself you are parking them until "worry time".

If your health visitor is one of the crap ones, go chat to your GP. You've acknowledged yourself that you were suffering from antenatal depression so even if you use that as a springboard for a discussion with your GP that might help.

I'm saying this as someone who has suffered from antenatal and post natal depression, but who has also had valid worries after giving birth (so i'm not trying to minimise).

Take care of yourself.

[pinktrufflechoc]

Thanks.

Timetables will almost certainly have been drawn up - I always had my September timetable in July.

I know I need to make a decision by September but that seems to be coming quickly after months of time seeming to slow right down.

I don't feel any guilt really about going back. All I'm worried about is finding it too much.

Going to a brand new school when I haven't taught for five years.

In January when it's cold and raw and dark and baby won't be sleeping well and I'll be tired and getting used to new classes and children and commuting and juggling everything. I just seriously don't know if I'll be able to cope/manage. Staying at home - well it is easier, isn't it? I know I can do it!

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

If you havent worked for 5 years, a new job is daunting, even when you arent tired!! What KS are you teaching? On the up side its only in 6 week chunks. Could you try 6 weeks, and then go off sick if you cant cope?

[pinktrufflechoc]

It's secondary school.

[Itsbloodyraining]

Is it "just" a job, or is it at an excellent school that you've been dying to work at, near to home so less commute etc. Are there exceptional circumstances surrounding the actual job that would make it especially attractive when the dc are older? If it's just a bog standard teaching job, for the sake of having a job then I wouldn't worry too much about turning it down. Hope my pov makes sense.

[pinktrufflechoc]

It's just a teaching job but what I'm worried about is twofold really - firstly getting a reputation as the teacher who pulled out and secondly not having an opportunity again. It's five years since I worked (or will be almost when I start the job) and things like references and so on become less relevant as time goes on.

I just wish I hadn't gone for the thing in the first place!

[Itsbloodyraining]

I wouldn't start just to finish a term later. Better for you to chill with your baby and for them to recruit fresh and have continuity. I believe there will always be a job for you, even if you have to do supply or a mat cover. Just say your circumstances have changed. They are not to know that your baby isn't ill or some other horrendous situation. Or that your free childcare has pulled out.

[pinktrufflechoc]

I couldn't do supply and a maternity cover would just be full time teaching without any security.

[Littlef00t]

I'd be leaving it until sept next year. And maybe look for pt as I found day 4&5 less profitable once a bigger chunk of tax was paid. By the time dd was 1 I was happy to be working again, dd was sleeping well and I enjoyed the intellectual stimulation. Would that make childcare cheaper or is dc1 just wraparound?

[pinktrufflechoc]

Hardly any PT teaching positions are advertised though so I think if I'm going to go back to it I would simply have to obtain a full time position then politely ask if they would consider part time, although they aren't obliged to accept my request of course.

Either way I won't make a profit after childcare is paid for.

[Itsbloodyraining]

I meant just if you were desperate to have some recent experience on your cv if you did happen to struggle to find permanent employment, when you did decide to re-enter the job market in the future.

[pinktrufflechoc]

I'd still need some sort of references though for supply and so on.

[Itsbloodyraining]

I couldn't imagine teaching full time for no financial gain!

[Purplepoodle]

I think you need to decide if you want to go back to work at all or you would like to be a sahm for another year or so. Personally I would enjoy a year off and then start looking again. If you decide not to start I would explain that unfortunately you have been quite unwell after the birth of your second child and won't be able to give the position the attention it needs. Give u a good get out clause and a reason not to start.

[pinktrufflechoc]

Yeah, that's what DH said.

[Itsbloodyraining]

I think you're panicking. I'm four years out of the workplace and seriously have the fear sometimes. I've come so close to applying for jobs, but once I figure out it will actually cost me money to work, and the logistics of childcare drop offs, it seriously does not make any sense. Another year out will not make any difference to my cv, but will make all the difference to the happiness of me and my family.