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AIBU?

Toughest decision of my life...am I BU?

70 replies

Dontunderstand01 · 15/07/2015 12:18

I have a one yr old baby, who was very much wanted (TTC for several years). Currently work 3 days a week. Making ends meet- just. Love spending time with him so much. He is in nursery 8-5 on the days I work. The nursery is "outanding" according to ofsted, and to me- the staff are amazing, and he loves it there.

I also live 4 hours away from my family who I miss terribly and would love to be closer to. Where they live is very expensive.

My employer has a job opportunity which I have been told I have potential for. It would be full time, a LOT more money, and would require study. I worked hard to get where I am- worked to pay my way through uni, put in a lot of hours and made sacrifices to get where I am.

My DH is a teacher, and only just qualified. He is strongly encouraging me to go for it- he sees it as not only a good opportunity financially, but recognition of my hard work, and a great thing for me to accomplish (I was, prior to my baby, very ambitious).

On one hand, I think this could be a way for me to get enough money to eventually move near my family, it would be a siginificant achievement for me. it would give us massive financial security... but I keep thinking I just want to be with my baby.

Is it U to turn down potential future happiness, and security, just so I can spend time with my son? I am so torn, I haven't slept in weeks.

OP posts:

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FanOfHermione · 15/07/2015 14:50

Btw you know when they say that children prefer a parent that is present to a big holidaay?

Well wait until they are teenagers and see if they prefer a parent that is present everyday and little disposable income or a parent that is working 9 till 5 with more disposable income for clothes, trips etc...
Remember that you're not talking about leaving your ds with someone else from 6.30am till 7.00pm.
Yoou are talking about 8.45am till 4.30pm....

Noodledoodledoo · 15/07/2015 14:58

Personally I would go for it - short term pain for a long term better life.

However I do feel I need to point out that flashheartscanoe is wrong saying a school cannot turn down a part time request if anyone else is part time in the school - they can. It is all considered on an individual basis - I know many primary teachers who have struggled to go back as from a staffing point of view it won't work - no one to match etc, and in secondary staffing hours to ensure all students are catered for. In secondary the subject has a lot to influence the decision.

As long as the school can point out why it won't work for them it is not discrimination - same with any request for flexible working.

addictedtosugar · 15/07/2015 15:10

Can you get them to agree a 4 day week, with the 5th day as day release for the training- ie the studying is in work time, not your time?

Topseyt · 15/07/2015 15:15

I think that when my children were babies I would have found such a decision impossibly tough. Basically, I just wouldn't have been anything like ready to make it.

My one regret in life though, is not being able to continue working after DD2 was born. It was due to many reasons, but the big one was the cost of childcare for two. Money was very tight for some years after that and it made life so much less enjoyable.

If you have the opportunity to gain more financial security then bitter experience tells me you should, on balance, go for it.

Not always being able to be in the office is no longer always the impediment today that it used to be so you might be successful in negotiating to work for some of the time from home. The internet has made all that possible. I am now working again (part time), and for several months of the year I work from home. During those hours I can communicate with my manager by Skype, and work is done instantly online. I would have loved that opportunity when the kids were younger.

Go for the long term financial security. Lack of it sure is hell.

Miggsie · 15/07/2015 15:20

I'd take it as opportunities for new mums are not exactly huge in some areas, also, once you have done a few months you will be able to negotiate more flexibility in your work and be more secure for the times when money will be a real issue.

Full time nursery and plenty of input from a dad is fine. People confuse amount of time in proximity to your child with real useful interaction with your child. They also discount father's input and over emphasise the mothers - as long as there is care available for your son you are not disadvantaging him.

You will find once you have a reputation taking time off for sports day and things isn't an issue - these days plenty of firms let mums and dads go to such events, home-work and work flexible hours.

If you and your husband see parenting as a partnership rather than mother dominant and father in support it can be managed. DH and I always made sure one of us was at sports day or assembly, it didn't have to be me.

madwomanbackintheattic · 15/07/2015 15:32

If it is just M-F 9-5, I wouldn't even bother to request to WFH one day - it would be bonkers to expect to be able to keep the baby at home on that day and be able to multi-task - much better to be able to concentrate on work when you are there and parent when you are not. (And Dh can parent while you are studying)

I would be more concerned about the studying. How much? How many hours a week? For how long?

The job is a no-brainier. The study is going to be harder unless it is for a reasonably short period (one year or less) and not more than 6 or 7 hours per week. If it is within those parameters, I would go for it.

The hardest part for childcare is at school age, and for more than one child. Single babies and toddlers are easy to find and manage childcare for. If you do not take this opportunity and wait for another one, you could end up seriously regretting it, as more kids, older kids, and a mix of school, after school clubs, nurseries, childminders etc add further complication into the mix.

and in real terms, your baby or toddler won't remember daycare at all. Your study could be done and your work more settled by the time they actually even start to build memories.

Good luck with your application!

Stealthpolarbear · 15/07/2015 15:49

Op what is the plan for your job if you move 4 hours away?

Skiptonlass · 15/07/2015 16:03

I would go for it. Earlier in my career I had to take jobs/make moves/live places I didn't really like but ten years on I'm reaping the rewards.

Think long term.

Preminstreltension · 15/07/2015 16:14

This has probably come a year too early for you to be at ease with your decision. You had a long road to have your DS and you might still be feeling the trauma of that history today and as though you owe it to him to be a SAHM as much as you can or otherwise you don't really deserve to have him...

I would still say go for the job though. Just as their needs evolve, so do yours. I love being a working mum - there are times when it doesn't feel like the right thing to do but in the long term it is the right thing for all of us. And the hours you describe are really manageable, particularly once he is at school.

Littlef00t · 15/07/2015 16:30

If you are naturally quite career orientated I would say go for it.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 15/07/2015 16:38

IF it is five full days in a nursery then that is a lot for a one year old.... Plus the studying which you may find you have to do at weekends. How much time will you have with your son..... I would NOT go for it now.

Viviennemary · 15/07/2015 16:49

I think it's worth going for. And if you've enough money then certainly pay for a cleaner to come in and that will free up time at weekends and after work rather than doing chores. I found full-time with one child just about doable but with two it was too much.

JassyRadlett · 15/07/2015 17:11

If you and your husband see parenting as a partnership rather than mother dominant and father in support it can be managed. DH and I always made sure one of us was at sports day or assembly, it didn't have to be me.

This. A thousand times this.

Dontunderstand01 · 16/07/2015 07:21

Thank you for your advice. My DH is a wonderful father - completely hands om. Done dozens if not hundreds of nappies, baths, trips to the park, night wakings... he is currently arranging a lot of play dates with other dads he knows over summer (sorry, sounds smug!) And a brilliant husband. We are a complete team, he has told me he will back me whatever my decision.

Because he is a teacher he has a fair bit of marking and planning to do during the week, so we have agreed if I go for it, evenings will be work/ study time and we will be'off' from 5pm friday til 7 pm sunday to give ourselves a break.

Stealth, Ultimately I am planning to move, and it will mean leaving my employer. Whilst I love my job, and if they give me this they are taking a bit of a risk, but I have worked there over ten years, done probably hundreds of hours unpaid extra... if I leave in 3 or 4 years time, I think they will have had their monies worth.

For all of you saying go for it, I am 99% sure I will. Iwill let you all know how I get on!

OP posts:

Howmanywotwots · 16/07/2015 07:46

I would take the opportunity now, if it doesn't work out you can always step down and look for another job

Also, it doesn't mean you'll never see your baby again you'll still have lots of time together

junebirthdaygirl · 16/07/2015 09:09

Just one thing. Don't spend your life planning to move to a different city. Live in the now and enjoy the place you are in now.. If it happens it happens but the here and now is what's important . I have known a few people spend years planning a big move only to be very disappointed when it happens . This is nothing to do with the job just that part of your story.

Lonecatwithkitten · 16/07/2015 09:14

I went for it. Never regretted a moment of it now my DD is 11 I have so much more flexibility and DD definitely needs me more than she did then.

sashh · 16/07/2015 09:23

Can you do 'compressed hours'? So you work 3 long days but still have full days with your baby?

iwantgin · 16/07/2015 09:38

I say go for it too, OP.

As a parent of a 17 yo - I agre with a few previous posters who say that the older childhood years are when they need you the most.

My DS was in nursery not quite full-time, but a lot of the time from being a baby. I was a LP so had no choice, but to work . He seemed fine - and is very confident and independent now.

Childcare is available from nursery, childminders, before and after school clubs etc. But once they get to 12 yo or so, this is when you may find you are in more demand. Not much provision for any care - if home is a distance from school it can be daunting for an 11 yo to catch a bus or two home, and let themselves into an empty house for example. Also the clubs and activities which run after school and on weekends need a parent to transport etc.

I say if you go for it now- you will be able to build on your career. Stash away some money. If it really becomes too much, then hopefully you can go back to part time. But at least you will have tried. To me it sounds as if you will regret not taking the offer.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

BathtimeFunkster · 16/07/2015 09:51

Given the hours of the new job and your husband's hours, I think you should go for it.

Also, very much agree with this from junebirthday

Just one thing. Don't spend your life planning to move to a different city.

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