Toughest decision of my life...am I BU?

[Dontunderstand01]

I have a one yr old baby, who was very much wanted (TTC for several years). Currently work 3 days a week. Making ends meet- just. Love spending time with him so much. He is in nursery 8-5 on the days I work. The nursery is "outanding" according to ofsted, and to me- the staff are amazing, and he loves it there.

I also live 4 hours away from my family who I miss terribly and would love to be closer to. Where they live is very expensive.

My employer has a job opportunity which I have been told I have potential for. It would be full time, a LOT more money, and would require study. I worked hard to get where I am- worked to pay my way through uni, put in a lot of hours and made sacrifices to get where I am.

My DH is a teacher, and only just qualified. He is strongly encouraging me to go for it- he sees it as not only a good opportunity financially, but recognition of my hard work, and a great thing for me to accomplish (I was, prior to my baby, very ambitious).

On one hand, I think this could be a way for me to get enough money to eventually move near my family, it would be a siginificant achievement for me. it would give us massive financial security... but I keep thinking I just want to be with my baby.

Is it U to turn down potential future happiness, and security, just so I can spend time with my son? I am so torn, I haven't slept in weeks.

[MrsBojingles]

Question is, which is more important - Job opportunity and financial security or more time with DS whilst he's little? Agree with others that looking for some compromise (eg) work from home would be great.

I have friends on both ends of the spectrum, and they all seem very happy, and enjoy whatever time they have with kids.

For me, if it was "full time" meaning actually 60+ hours, I wouldn't take it. But that's me, I figure they are only little for a short while, but I know my career advancement is on hold because of it!

[Dynomite]

Do it! Your child will need you much more when he grows up. It's easier to build up a career now so in the future you have more money and standing to ask for some flexibility. Your DH is thinking very practically.

[sweetheart]

I was in your position 7 years ago and i took the promotion - it wasn't one that would get offered again if that makes a difference.

At first it was ok, the excitement of the new job outweighed anything else. Then after about 2 years I found it very hard going. I started to notice all the things I was missing out on and feel incredibly guilty about it. During this period, despite the extra money, smaller mortgage, nice holidays etc I really really wished i hadn't taken the job.

I'm just coming out the other side now, my youngest is of an age where he understands my work and doesn't mind so much. Also things are a bit more flexible at work now and I can spend a bit more time with the kids than I was before.

Looking back I think I would have declined the job to spend more time with my children whilst they were young.

[Tangerineandturquoise]

I think you should apply.
The rest will wriggle itself out.
Your DH could potentially do PT hours couldn't he? Just for this bit until your LO starts school.
You could get qualified and then see if you want to go back to part time.
If your LO was younger than 1 I might say wait- but by the time you get the job he might well be closer to 18 months-that is a big leap. You have nurturing childcare in place, you have a DH who can be around for the days you would have been around.

[IssyStark]

I would go for it as long as full-time was 37hrs as others have said. While babies aren't babies for long, kids are there for at least 18 years if not longer! They need you throughout that time, and they'll have more of you if you aren't stressed by financial worries in years to come.

It does take being more organised (and getting a cleaner - I refuse to spend weekend family time cleaning, tidying yes, cleaning no!) to have both a full-time job and a good quality of home life but it can be done.

I have two ds (out of 10 pregnancies so they weren't easy to come by!). I work full time but am lucky enough to have ds1 at school 15 mins stroll from my desk, and ds2 at my workplace nursery. We are away from each other between 8.45-5.30 Mon-Fri on average but together the rest of the time. I also did a p/t masters while on mat leave and the year after back at work, and although it was my busiest time ever, it was one of my most productive. Oddly I get more done when I have more to do. You may find the same

[Orrery]

I think decisions like these are much harder at the moment because jobs are not as easy come easy go like they were in our parents generation. I hate that I have to work FT while my son is still under 5, but then again, the thought of chucking away a 10 year career path so I can wipe up wee from the carpet and watch him take his lunchtime nap feels like I'm cheating myself, so I do it and make the most of my hoilday allowance and flexible working to spend quality time with him wherever I can. I've done quite a lot of the special Mum/Baby activities like swimming and playgroups just by taking a half day each week. My employer has also started offering holiday by the hour, so you don't have to use a half or full day for a simple activity that would only take an hour - could ask for things like these at your place maybe?

[littlejohnnydory]

I wouldn't do it personally for any money in the world. There will be other opportunities in the future but you most definitely won't get the time with your baby back. Only you can decide though - which do you think you'd regret on your deathbed - lack of career progression / money or lack of time with your son?

If you moved near your family would you realistically see any more of them if you worked full time?

[positivity123]

I think you should go for it. My mum worked when me and my brother were little and I never felt I missed out. We are a really close family and I always liked the fact that as I was growing up I felt loved but I never felt she was dependent on us kids for her happiness. I actually needed her more when I was a teenager and struggling with exams at which point she had reached a time in her career where she could be more flexible and was very much there for me. Now I'm an adult I love the fact I can go to her for work advice as well as personal life.
Do what works for you, that is just my experience. Good luck

[switchitoff]

I was like you when my DCs were babies - loved them so much that I just wanted to be with them as much as possible and ended up passing on job opportunities. If I had my time over again, I don't think I'd make the same decision.

Actually, I don't think it's made any difference to my DCs that it was me that changed their nappies and shook tambourines at them when they were babies/toddlers and too young to remember. A caring nursery could have done the same job equally as well.

Childcare is easy for pre-schoolers (nurseries tend to be open 8-6, 51 weeks a year) whereas once they are at school, the holidays and short hours are difficult to manage. Not only that, but I'd say DCs need you more as they get older, not less. My DCs are teenagers and I'm only working very part-time in order to support them.

Getting into a responsible, well-paid job now will give you more options in the future.

[Nolim]

What is your oh willing to do in terms of childcare? Would you feel better with him as the default parent?
Good luck with whatever you decide. It is great that your hard work is paying off so you have this opportunity.

[MitzyLeFrouf]

Personally I'd go for it. The rewards, which will be to your baby's benefit, sound amazing.

[TooExtraImmatureCheddar]

Depends on your finances. You say atm it's a bit of a struggle, and your DH's a new teacher, so won't be on a big salary either. I'd take the view that a bit more money floating around is better for the DC in the long run. If you had a DH who made big bucks then I'd advise differently!

[StarsInTheNightSky]

I was in a similar situation to you not long ago OP. I turned down the job to be a sahm and I have never looked back, that wass what worked for me though.
I was also very ambitious prior to DS, my job was extremely well paid compared to DH's more average salary (not stealth boasting, just trying to give background).
DH and I had a good chat and decided to emigrate instead to attain the lifestyle and financial security that we wanted, it was sort of on the cards anyway. We've now got a completely different life but we are both so much happier, and much better off financially. I'm a sahm still, well, sort of, we own and run a ranch and I do the overall management, but it means that I can be with DS all the time.

Sometimes there are more options that seem available at first.

[whois]

I'd go for it. If you can be more senior, earning more money and able to be more flexible when they are older it will probably be a lot more benefit to your child.

[bigkidsdidit]

Again, saying what others have said - there are full time jobs and full time jobs. Mine is 35 hours, flexible, no on calls or things like that. It's been absolutely fine with two toddlers / pre schoolers - and with your dh off on holidays that would be even better.

A job requiring 50 hours and checking emails even more, with travel or weekend work - no way. Your dh will be working flat out in term time and that's a recipe for a stressed out family who barely see each other.

[Yokohamajojo]

I'd say go for it as there is always the option to go back to part time if it doesn't work out, but if you don't go for it you may always think 'what if'

[CrapBag]

"Is it U to turn down potential future happiness, and security, just so I can spend time with my son? I am so torn, I haven't slept in weeks."

YANBU. They are only young once and IMHO I think people are u realistic to take such jobs for careers when they have young children. Like it or not, these parents will not be around much when their children are young and they do notice and remember.

Sports day was a great example of this. Year after year the same parents are there cheering their children on and year after the year children get upset because there is no one there to cheer them on. Same with other school shows, awards, special assemblies and so on. Even being picked and and dropped off by a parent and not an before/after school club can make a difference in a child's eyes.

There is always a balance to be had but what would your child choose? Bigger house and expensive holidays or a parent that is around more for them?

I can't work due to health issues. DS has said that he wished I was better so I had more energy to do certain activities. I said if I was well I'd be working and he would be in childcare a lot and from a young age. Or I'm ill and can't always have a lot of energy but I'm around all the time and which scenario would he prefer. He said he'd prefer me to be ill and around rather than well and at work all the time. That spoke volumes about what a child actually wants.

[bigkidsdidit]

I work full time crap bag and I've never missed a single event. That's why the op needs to think about what the job will be like, how flexible it is.

[CrapBag]

I get that bigkids, obviously not all parents have to miss things. I was just saying from my experience at DCs school, it tends to be the same ones that never have a parent there. I know some people save holiday for the school holidays and emergencies, I just always feel for the children who look in the crowd for a parent but they are never there.

[JassyRadlett]

I'm always struck on MN how many people say their kids want/need them more as they get older - I'm trying to set myself up so I can pull back from work a bit at that point.

I got an amazing new job when DS was just 2. It's full time, full on but has quite a bit of flexibility - for me, that is absolutely key. I often work after he's in bed at night, but I do at least half of pick ups and drop offs, sick days, etc etc.

It's been career making and career defining in a way that means that in a few years, after DS2 arrives and is 3 or so, I should be able to get a part time role at my current salary, potentially in a job share. So no pay cut and around for my kids as they're in primary school etc. that opportunity wouldn't exist if I hadn't taken the leap when DS was still quite small.

It sounds like you're playing the long game here, so I'd go for it.

[Dontunderstand01]

oh wow, so many responses!

So, my DH has said he is happy to go part time after he has completed his first year as a teacher (as an NQT he really wants to get this under his belt).

Logistically, it is 5 mins one way to nursery, 5mins the other for work.. I could leave the house at 8.30, drop DS off and still be in work for 9. DH picks him up at 4.30 ish.

My boss told me "they get their pound of flesh between 9-5" and not to even think about work on a weekend. However, I will be studying, so I would need to do that on an evening, but DS will be in bed.

For those of you who have mentioned about a bigger house/ car, it is absolutely not about that. My family live 4 hours away in a town which is extremely expensive to buy a home in. My aim is to be in a position to buy a home in the same place as Dparents, Dsis and my lovely Dnieces. I think I would be able to see them on a weekly basis, if not more often post-move. The school in their town is amazing, and in catchement for a grammar school.

I am thinking of applying, requesting 1 day to WFH per week and take the negotiations from there...(if successful).

Thank you for those who took the time to reply- it really is a tough decision for me, and not one I take lightly.

Hopefully, I can achieve what I want and it won't just be me watching at the sports day, but nana and granddad too.

[MitzyLeFrouf]

Oh definitely go for it OP!

[truthaboutlove]

If the job is just 9-5 I would go for it. More than that, I would leave it as you are lucky to have a job for three days a week. Not many of those exist.

I think it also depends on your age. Will there be opportunities for you to build up your career in a few years' time?

Could you try it and see how it goes with a back-up plan if it doesn't work out? I struggled going back to work after my second child but did manage to hang on in there for another two and a half years until it all collapsed.

[DepthFirstSearch]

Go for it.

[FanOfHermione]

Go for it!!

You need to think about what is happening NOW but also what is going to happen in 5, 10, 20 years time.
You have the opportunity to get a good job that hopefully you will enjoy. Better pay which means better choices for your ds in the future. Yes it's thenhusenear your Dparents, but it's also after school activities, trips when he will be in secondary, Uni...

I know it will sounds very far away but I know by experience (my dcs are now starting secondary) that the decisions I took when they were babies have some BIG repercusions now. ie If I had kept the job I had when they were babies, paying for 2 trips at secondary for each chikd would be possible, plus a hol as a family. Now we can't. We could pay for their Uni fees, if I stay at the same level I am now, we can't etc...

Of course, it's lovely to be able to spend time with a baby but it's ajust a shoirt time.