to keep a secret account

[Bullshitbingo]

I am a sahm, my DH works full time in a job he enjoys and is reasonably well paid. We have a comfortable but not lavish lifestyle. We have two small DC and I became a sahp after the birth of our first child a few years ago. The plan is for me to go back to work at least part time when my youngest is in school. This was a joint decision and one that we are both happy with. I get to be with the children whilst they're young, and he can relax and concentrate on work because he has no stress at home.

We have joint finances, all money is family money. My DH is perfect in this respect and never makes me feel in any way beholden to him because he is earning money and I am not. I've always worked, since i was 16, i funded myself through higher education, and it was a big deal for me to leave work and put myself in the vulnerable position of depending upon someone else to support me financially. My DH knows this, and has taken care to be sensitive and respectful about it.

I manage the family finances including the joint account, and our children's savings accounts, whilst my dh and i both have personal accounts for what you could call 'disposable income'. Our savings account (which doesn't have very much in it at the moment) is in my DH's name, not for any particular reason, this is just how it was and we never changed it.

Anyway, to the point of my thread, sorry its long - didn't want to drip feed.

I have an account that he doesn't know about. Its just a little savings account with a few hundred quid in it. Whenever i come into a bit of money that i don't spend - for example i had a recent birthday and was given some cash by my parents, i pop some aside into this account. I've been doing this for a year or so, and at first there was no point mentioning it to DH as it wasn't worth it, but the more money i have in there, the more i wonder if i'm being really deceitful by not telling him? We don't need the money for anything, and i started off by telling myself that it wasn't important, but i think if i'm honest with myself, its my way of retaining some financial independence. As happy as my marriage is, i've read a lot of horror stories on here about awful things that can happen to sahp's in the event of a breakup, so i think i may be creating a bit of an insurance policy for myself? I'm, starting to feel less and less comfortable with it, and thinking that i should tell him? As far as i'm aware he doesn't have any money that i don't know about, and we don't have any other secrets in our relationship. We're very open with each other, which is why this is quite unusual.

Typing this all out, i'm ready to concede that i am being totally unreasonable, but i'm interested to see what my fellow Mumsnetters think? And also, a part of me is really reluctant to give up this little account as its become a bit of a comfort blanket knowing I have that money there.

So - AIBU? Do any of you have a 'secret' accounts, and if so, what should i do/what would you do?

[hillyhilly]

I am in exactly the same position as you right down to the account that's mine only, the only difference as far as I can see is that my dh knows about it, he doesn't necessarily understand why I have it but he doesn't mind.
As you say your dh has been sensitive and careful to your feelings then it seems a little unfair to keep this secret, how would you feel if you found out he'd done the same?

[Volenflo]

. Also, I'm calling fibber, everyone has secrets even if it's just tiny little details like 'i'm just popping to the loo' when really you're trying to get some time alone

You know what kind of secrets I mean, come on.

[Bullshitbingo]

howabout the pension thing doesn't bother me really. It
Prob should, but I've worked so many years, and will only be out of a job 5-6 years max so I haven't made any plans around that. Maybe I should.

Volenflo's post did make me laugh. It reminded me of that 'friend' everyone has who says things like 'i never have to watch what I eat' when you're talking about your diet. I'm imagining pursed lips and a hoiked up judgey bosom. Sorry volenflo if that's not how it was intended!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"my dh and i both have personal accounts for what you could call 'disposable income'."
IMO your savings account is just an extension of your personal (current?) account, which, as you have said, you set up to ensure you "don't really want to fritter it away." This is very sensible, many people struggle to not treat the balance in a current account as something to be spent ASAP.

I really don't think you need to make this money joint money, because it isn't - it's birthday presents and personal cash that you haven't spent. But I think you would feel better if it wasn't a secret. Just mention it casually - 'I started sweeping money from my personal account into a little savings account last year just to stop me frittering it away and guess what? Now I've got £x in it! OK that includes some birthday money too, but blimey, who knew I spent that much on magazines and frappaccinos! How much do you think you could have if you did the same?

Keep your savings account, and in your sole name. It is yours. Encourage him to do the same. It is sometimes surprising how much you can save just by taking the action you have done - placing it somewhere that it takes a bit more effort to reach (just like in a piggy bank rather than in your pocket).

If it helps, I have a friend who had some savings in an account, she used to joke about it to her husband that it was her 'running away fund'. Twenty years on, she still hasn't run away. Neither of them ever thought she would.

[sykadelic]

I work and DH works.

We do NOT have a "joint bank account" in the sense that all money goes into a pot, but do in the sense that both names are on them.

I'm with one bank and have 4 separate accounts with different purposes (including spending and savings). DH is with another bank, no idea how many accounts.

DH doesn't know the balance in my accounts, I don't know the balance in his accounts. I just tell him when bills are coming up and he makes sure there's enough to pay the bills from his account.

So obviously I don't think there's anything wrong with separate accounts. It's the willful secrecy. Even if he doesn't care about the balance.

You are still transferring money from your "spends" or presents, so it's not like you're taking from the family pot and squirreling it away. A problem may arise when there's an emergency and suddenly money he didn't know about appears, it would raise questions as to where it's come from.

So, as someone else mentioned about, I'd mention it in a passing fashion, or even a deliberate one. As you handle the finances I'd say something like:
"I'm trying not to fritter away my birthday/spending money so I'm putting it in a separate account for me that I can't access easily. Would you like me to do one for you as well? It'd still be all your money, from your birthday/spending money"... and then explain that you're transferring any "leftover" from the spends, or a set amount. Explain even why you're saving it (holiday away with the girls, some pretty new handbag etc)."

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Yes, those savings are not a running away fund just because they exist. They are just savings - money you haven't spent. You sensibly choose not to fritter it away in small amounts on things you don't really need, letting you accumulate a larger sum which you will then be able to use to buy something more substantial later. That something may be a laptop, a handbag, a weekend away; or in times of emergency it may be an plane ticket, a boiler repair, a deposit on a flat.

The existence of your savings do not imply that you doubt your marriage; all they imply is that you are a financially prudent person who values having a 'cushion'.

Dispose of the secrecy but keep the money - that has always been just yours.

[jay55]

It's just your way of handling the money that is designated yours. As long as it's available as family money should disaster strike it shouldn't be an issue.

[Alibabsandthe40Musketeers]

I have a lot of savings which are just in my name. I put almost the whole deposit up for our house, and gave up work when we had our first baby.

I said to DH that I wanted to hold significant savings just in my name, as my insurance policy against him having a personality transplant and turning into a git. He was, and is, completely fine with this.

OP I think you should talk to your husband. You should have a pension paid into out of joint funds, as well as some money held in your own name.

Personally I think it is healthy for a marriage when neither of you is trapped financially. You know that you are still there for all the right reasons then, rather than out of fear or the inability to be anywhere else.

[karinmaria]

YANBU to have the account, but if you're uncomfortable with the secrecy then just tell him you've got a rainy day account with your leftover birthday money in. It's not really a big deal unless you make it one!

I have a separate savings account even though both DH and I work. DH does too but he is more spendy than me so has less in his. I will prob go on mat leave in a year and maybe be a SAHM at some point so it's nice to have a safety net.

[sunbathe]

YANBU. It's only a few hundred quid. Why not consider keeping it secret until you go back to work. You may feel more secure then?

[DinosaursRoar]

It sounds like you have a similar set up to us, a joint account for all household/DC related expenses, a joint savings account (although yours is in DH's name only) for regular savings, then a separate account each for "fun money" so you don't have to discuss amongst yourselves how much you are spending on coffees out or haircuts etc, "fun money" is budgetted for, how you then each spend that separate fund is your business. If you have the same amount each month for 'fun money', if you spend it all each month or save a bit, it's the same to family finances.

I think you should tell him that you have a separate savings account and you aren't spending all of your 'fun money' each month, but saving some so in the future if you want to splash out on something big you could, or you have your own extra cash in case of emergancies that you don't need DH's permission to access.

Stress this is your birthday money and part of your 'fun money'. If he is spending every penny of his fun money (assuming you have the same each month), then it's unfair for your excess to be classed as joint money for joint spending.

[AdeleDazeem]

Yanbu. It's prudent. My DH is useless with money and he sees all income as 'his' money so I have a bit aside they he doesn't know about. If I think our DD needs a new pair of shoes or a toothbrush or whatever I can pick something up without having to 'ask'.

[fukkigucci]

I have a cash stash. A big wodge of cash that I've hidden away, and that I add to. A few years ago, I had a huge huge row with DH and I felt very trapped that I didn't have a way to leave him (didn't drive at the time either.). We patched it up, and everything is fine now but I remember that awful feeling of being unable to call a cab and just get some space. Keep it.

[AlpacaLypse]

Right... I have a couple of accounts. DP knows of the existence of one but has absolutely no access to it. We were both fairly grateful for its existence when we have an uninsured flooding disaster a couple of years ago.

The other one is called (by me, privately) Mummy's Slush Fund. It has enough money in it to a. Buy a Car if my current one goes wrong or b. replace the central heating system, also if current one goes wrong, or c. rent a house for six months if everything in our relationship goes tits up.

To be fair, I know DP has a savings account that is purely in his name only.

We both signed mirror wills which leave ALL our assets to our children many years ago, I have absolutely no worries that he would ever leave our dds in the lurch.

[chrome100]

I think YABU. He is pooling all of his money and if that's the arrangement you have then you should do the same.

How would you feel if you found out he actually earned more than he said he did and was keeping some back?

Fwiw, I think he shouldn't give you all his money and you should both be entitled to your own accounts but if you have the understanding that all is shared then it's deceitful to do otherwise.

[Topseyt]

Keep it in your name. Tell him if you are more comfortable doing so.

Much as I love my DH, I was a SAHM for some years and would have felt so much less vulnerable if I had had the wherewithal to do that right from the start.

Like you, I had always earned my own money before having the children. It was a huge decision to stop working once the cost of childcare cancelled out my earnings, but we were worse off with me working. I felt very exposed and the feeling never really went away.

[Allgunsblazing]

YANBU. I've always had one, several salaries worth of.
I also get paid into my own account, I transfer an amount each month into a joint one for bills and family expenses.
got my own savings, ISAs, shares, bonds etc.

[Purplepoodle]

I have my own savings account as does dh. DH doesnt save I do. I put money in this account that Iv saved from our set amount we each have to spend or birthday money ect. Dh knows about as I know about his. If he wanted to know the amount he would just have to look in our filing cabinet.

[Volenflo]

Haha your description made me laugh but no I didn't mean it like that. I wrote a massive long post and fucking lost it - couldn't be arsed to write it out again! Sorry!

[DowntownFunk]

I thought my pal who did the same thing was being a bit unfair. Her account ran into hundreds of thousands though (she was famous successful in her field back in the day). Her DH was made redundant and she still didn't tell him about her wee account. She said if he knew he'd get lazy about finding another job. He did like to sit around playing guitar and smoking dope, it has to be said.

He got a job abroad, fell in love with a local, wanted a divorce and stopped showing interest in the kids. I'm glad my pal had that secret account.

[Mini05]

I agree keep it as your (just I case fund) nobody knows what's round the corner no matter how good/content you think your marriage is! Anything can happen!
Keep adding!

[Postchildrenpregranny]

When we married we converted DH account to a joint one.I kept my own and had a small amount of money DDed into it every month .both salaries went into JA for all bills etc .DH never bothered to have his own account .He was by far the higher earner and would just spend from JA (he's not a big .For a long time we had little savings (hammered away at the mortgage Instead) DH does all our finances and all our assets -house ISAs premium bonds etc -are strictly 50:50 ,partly as we have mirror wills whereby each leaves their share to a trust
When we retired a small percentage of my lump sum went into my own account and has been supplemented since by two small legacies .Our only income has for four years and will be until next spring my (fairly generous) pension

[Postchildrenpregranny]

....when will MN add an edit facility .
My point is that DH has no
idea how much money is in my account (though he could find out as my statements are in our filing cabinet)and I do not feel the need to tell him .He may be a little surprised when I tell him next spring that I will need it adding to twice a year in future...But he understands my need to have my I really don't see why having a savings account into which you put your own money is any different to having a current account .And therefore you shouldn't feel the need to tell your DH .I do think your joint savings should be in both names though ..

[Cherryblossomsinspring]

I personally wouldn't do this to my DH. I feel no need to whatsoever.

Your relationship, your call. But I would be hurt if he did this behind my back.