To think it's perfectly acceptable to go to bed a different times?

[Numtum]

My boyfriend tends to want to go to bed between 9-10 during the week. Later at the weekend most of the time.

He always wants me to go to bed at the same time and quite frankly it does my head in. I'm a night owl - I have no need for more than about 6-7 hours sleep.

DD goes to bed around 7 and then that is my time to catch up on things and generally have some child free down time.

BF doesn't live with us and I'm seriously considering telling him he should stop staying here on a weeknight if he's not happy going to bed by himself. He can actually be a bit huffy about it

Don't get me wrong, he's actually great. No issues apart from this. For some reason he seems to think we should go to bed at the same time and as he turns in early I should too. My opinion is that he's a big boy and if he needs his sleep crack on but he'll be by himself.

I'm not in the wrong am I?

[PiggyBeekman]

YANBU. DD is asleep by 8, I don't go to bed much before midnight. I work FT, if I didn't have these few hours just to be I would go insane. No way could I go to bed earlier and I'm still up at 6.

DH is even later and he's a shift worker so sleep patterns are all over the shop anyway. We hardly ever go to bed together and often sleep in different rooms if he's on earlies.

I'd find it unbearable if someone insisted I went to bed earlier and even worse if they got huffy if I didn't.

[PiggyBeekman]

Been married 13 years btw so can't see it's made a difference...

[Debs75]

op me and dp hardly ever go to bed at the same time. i need lots of sleep, at least 9 hours, plus i always get up first. He only needs 6-7 and hates goibg up before 11. it has been this way for so long that I can't get to sleep if he is in the bed. On tbe nights we have sex he goes downstairs for half an hour to let me get to sleep

[Numtum]

There are assumptions that are completely incorrect. Most of the time "we" go to bed he falls asleep and I'm lying wide awake. No chat, no idea bouncing just him out for count. He's a light sleeper and wakes when I move. I end up lying there wide awake wondering why the fuck I'm bothering so stopped doing it and now he's crabby about it. What is the point?

[BuggersMuddle]

I am on the fence with this one.

In a previous relationship (dark and distant past), starting to go to bed a different times signalled the death-knell of our relationship.

My longtime DP needs much less sleep than me. I get annoyed because if I want intimacy, I would prefer a bit of romance and in bed by 10:30pm as I have a full on job and need to be up at 7am usually the next morning. DP otoh can get by on 6hrs sleep so thinks 10:30pm is a bizarre time to be in bed and in any case everything should be spontaneous We re however very happy and no-one is LTB any time soon

We've always been like this but I won't lie that it does have an impact.

I think it depends on the difference. For me, I'm asking for DP to come to bed 30-45mins earlier, I'm not a ridiculously early bird and I'm not dragging him away from his fave TV series, so I don't see the problem (he does). If OTOH you have odd shift patterns, or want your partner to accompany you to bed at a time really far from the norm, I think that's a bit different.

[6cats3gingerkittens]

I'm with gamerchick. Own bed and seperate rooms, blissful.

[6cats3gingerkittens]

Oh dear separate not seperate. All that expensive education too.

[BathshebaDarkstone]

YANBU. I'm just in bed because I get up early, DH falls asleep on the sofa between 9 - 10 and comes to bed at about 12.

[Moomintroll85]

Yanbu. Me and DP nearly always go to bed at different times. That going together bringing closeness and is the key to a long lasting relationship is guff in my view, as if that's the only factor We're very close as we are.

I go to bed before DP (as I get up earlier with DS) and I would never winge at him to come with me! We both need our quiet time and as for sex, waiting until we're in bed, tired and ready to sleep doesn't work for us! (but if that's what your DP wants he should say so).

if I was the person staying up later it would do my head in to settle my DC in bed in the evening then basically have to do the same for DP!

Maybe you should both compromise a bit - you go a bit earlier and he stays up a bit later? Meet in the middle somewhere?

[AppleAndBlackberry]

I think if the difference is that great then YANBU. I have to say though, if DH comes to bed after me he tends to bang around making snacks, getting water, using the bathroom and often wakes me up at least 3 times in that period which can be hard going for me when our eldest is up at 6:30 regardless. Luckily most of the time we go to bed at the same time, otherwise I would really struggle not having control over either my going to sleep or my waking up time.

[CatMilkMan]

I barely sleep but DP likes to fall asleep with me so I go to bed with her and wait for her to fall asleep then get back up again, works for us.

[whois]

My DP goes to bed much later than me and gets up much later.

I don't really like it. It cuts down on time for intimacy - sex has to be in the living room before I go to bed as he claims it fucks with his sleep hygiene to be in the bedroom when it's not bedtime, or after I've already been asleep a few hours. Sometimes this is ok, mostly I wake up when he comes into bed, scoot across for a hug then fall straight back asleep.

Also means in the mornings at the weekends I am up and awake and out of bed before him, so you loose that nice morning waking up infinite time as well.

But I can't stay up any later usually, and he really doesn't fall asleep easily or need as much sleep. We do try and compromise at the weekends.

[Kampeki]

I'm with gamerchick and 6cats too. I like my own space and my own bed. I also like to sleep when I feel like sleeping, as does my DH - we both keep quite irregular hours, so it's rare that we both go to bed at the same time. We have been together 20 years, so I don't think it has done our relationship any harm.

Actually, for me, one of the nice things about being in a secure, long-term relationship is that you can be with each other without having to do everything together, sleep at the same time etc. I really like the fact that we're not afraid to follow our own moods, that we don't have to organise our lives completely around each other. Of course, we consider each other, but the relationship is secure enough to withstand the fundamental truth that we are two individual beings with different needs and preferences. We don't have to force ourselves together into some sort of contrived "oneness".

As they're not living together, perhaps the OP's relationship hasn't quite got to that stage yet. Perhaps it just needs time. But yanbu to be annoyed OP. It would drive me mental!!

[AdeleDazeem]

Yanbu.
I like to get in and settled before DH gets in.

[toofytrub]

What would happen if you suggested that you'll alternate - one night when he stays you'll come to bed crazy early, the next night he stays he gets to go to bed and you'll come to bed when you want to.

For him it's a win:win as he gets to go to bed at the time he likes to go to bed every night.

For you it's a lose:win as you only get to go to bed at the time you like to go every other night he is there.

You could suggest that he stays up with you the other night to make it win:lose for him too - but I suspect if you like pootling around that it would feel more like a lose:lose for you if you couldn't do that. But might be worth suggesting as a negotiating point because why is it reasonable for him to go to bed at a time that suits him but not you but then not expect to be prepared to go to bed at a time that suits you.

I'm much more of a night owl than dh so tend to go to bed later - I've found I spend much longer on MNet and watch less tv as he likes different things too so it's just the way it's worked out.

[WhenMarnieWasThere]

I think that DH and I used to go to bed at the same time once, but that's years ago and I forget.

He needs less sleep than me and gets irritated quickly if he doesn't fall asleep instantly his head hits the pillow. When he used to get up at 7 for work, I would go to bed about 11 and he would come up later - or snore on the sofa for ages before finally making it up.

Now, he starts work at 5. I still go at about 11 but he often goes before me now because he is tired. He still snores his head off on the sofa from time to time.

I like to read my kindle, take all my meds and wind down a bit.


What annoys me is when he says "Do you want a cuddle?" and I know it's not a cuddle he really means.

[Numtum]

Well went to bed at the same time last night. 2 minute cuddle 2 minute chat and that was that.

I honestly don't mind when I'm a bit tired anyway - like last night.

I wouldn't ask him to stay up because I don't see the point in him yawning away obviously tired. He should go off to bed.

I'm struggling to get into the mindset of going to bed and reading in the dark on a kindle instead of chilling on the sofa doing it. I have lived alone since DD was 7 weeks so I guess I'm not used to having another person to consider and ultimately we just have different preferences at which times we sleep during the week.

The weekend is usually not a problem.

[fiveofcups]

numtum- if he is tired maybe he should go home.

Surely the point of him coming over is to socialise? Not much point of he takes himself upstairs to your bed alone.
He may as well be in his own bed.
My OH and I rarely go to bed at the same time.
We need to get up at the same time in the morning- he only needs 5-6 hours, I need 7-8.

[MamanOfThree]

if he is tired maybe he should go home

What do you suggest exactely? That they never meet up during the week because he physically can't cope with a later bedtime
That he comes for a bite to eat, a bit of a chat and then leaves ...

Is it really a way to build up a relationship?

Numtum Have you actually ASKED him why it is important for him to be in bed together?
Have you explained to him most of the time you are just lying awake, bored and worried to wake him up (knowing he clearly needs to sleep)?
Is it possible that, if he is a light sleeper, you are waking him up when you go to bed and he isn't keen on that?

[fiveofcups]

That he comes for a bite to eat, a bit of a chat and then leaves ...

Is it really a way to build up a relationship?

Erm yes.

[morelikeguidelines]

When you have dc your chill time is absolutely vital. You need to explain to him that this I'd crucial to your wellbeing.

[MamanOfThree]

I don't agree five.
At the start of a relationship yes.
But the op and her bf are spending more and more time together. If they can't manage to find a middle ground now, will they ever find a way to be together more than just weekends? Wo talking about moving together at some point or anything like this.

If a bf was telling me to go back home at the end of the evening like this because otherwise I disturb his routine too much, I would assume he wasn't that into me tbh.

[Numtum]

I don't want to have to ask him to not come round during the week. It's a very minor niggle in the grand scheme of things. It's not my routine that's being disturbed both of our routines are completely different when we are staying together that's natural but I don't want him being offended that I don't want to go to bed at 9pm when I've been busy all day and literally have just sat down.

He sleeps better with me than without but I don't always want to go to bed to help him fall asleep, I didn't do it with my daughter I'm not about to start with him.

I'll speak to him again, if he wants to chat or anything else I don't mind going through but if he wants to sleep then he can head off on his own unless I feel like I'm ready for bed too. I think that's fair.