To think it's perfectly acceptable to go to bed a different times?

[Numtum]

My boyfriend tends to want to go to bed between 9-10 during the week. Later at the weekend most of the time.

He always wants me to go to bed at the same time and quite frankly it does my head in. I'm a night owl - I have no need for more than about 6-7 hours sleep.

DD goes to bed around 7 and then that is my time to catch up on things and generally have some child free down time.

BF doesn't live with us and I'm seriously considering telling him he should stop staying here on a weeknight if he's not happy going to bed by himself. He can actually be a bit huffy about it

Don't get me wrong, he's actually great. No issues apart from this. For some reason he seems to think we should go to bed at the same time and as he turns in early I should too. My opinion is that he's a big boy and if he needs his sleep crack on but he'll be by himself.

I'm not in the wrong am I?

[Numtum]

I think I feel like my time to unwind is being completely cut short and if I object I have a stroppy man to deal with. It annoys me.

Maybe I'm being selfish but even sex at that time isn't really massive on my agenda. I want to relax and catch up on news, telly a proper catch up on chat with him. I don't mind that he needs more sleep at all but I do grudge the suggestion that my evening is not as important as his want for sex or cuddle if that even is the case.

Whilst I accept that some think maybe I should go to bed early on the nights he's at mine it could be said he should stay up a bit later. I guess there is no win win answer here.

[Numtum]

Do you know I think I actually feel like I'm having to pander to a grown man when everything I do from the minute I wake up is work or parent. It's my only time I feel like my time is my own. I guess that is a bit selfish but I don't think it's unreasonable.

[owlborn]

YABU and YANBU. I don't go to bed at the same time as DH all the time, and I think that's unreasonable but I try to at least a couple of times per week so we can cuddle and connect and I think that's really important for our relationship.

[Gem124]

We always go to bed together, usually around 10 and always get up together, between 6.30 & 8 depending on work. It's our time to just cuddle and put the world to rights

[namechangefortoday543]

I am in bed and ready to sleep by 10pm
I have to get up VERY early.
DH can go to bed whenever he likes but he is not coming in and waking me up at 1 am !
Spare room !

[Bodicea]

Personally I think relationships work better long term if you go to bed together most nights, it brings a sense of closeness.
Maybe try doing it a couple of nights a week. You relationship will benefit from it.

[HeffalumpsnWoozles]

I go to bed around 9pm as I'm up at 5am & my DP comes to bed with me every time. Used to drive me crazy as he wasn't tired and put the TV on until he dropped off. He'd always watch an action film lots of loud noises & flashing images.

After threatening to chop his bits off and ram them up his bottom he now reads a book on his tablet, no pages rustling, screen brightness low and I get to sleep.

The threat of violence worked a treat now to stop the fucker eating a rustley wrapped chocolate bar in bed when he gets hungry. I may actually have to show him our sharpest knife while wearing a manic unhinged smile.

[gamerchick]

Not only do I not go to bed the same time as the husband.. I have my own bedroom so don't even share a bed and it certainly hasn't affected our relationship or closeness

I'm with you OP... Have the chat with him that if he's going to get stroppy then he can go home.

[Lovelydiscusfish]

There is a received wisdom that I've certainly been told, that couples who go to bed together are more likely to stay together.

I never go to bed at the same time as dh, as I need much more sleep than him. We're still together so far!

I think when we were a newish couple I would have expected to, though. I can't particularly defend that rationally, it's just how I would have felt. How long have you been together with your boyfriend, OP?

[ahbollocks]

Me and dh go to bed together at around 11 but im ready to sleep at 10. I usually just drop off at 10 and then he'll wake me up when his programs finished :)

[Momagain1]

Maybe try doing it a couple of nights a week. You relationship will benefit from it.

How on earth is laying in bed, awake and resentful at having to give up your own time to be a live snuggly toy for a grown man going to benefit the relationship?

OP, if this sort of thing is a serious sticking point when he stays over, it will never get any better if the living together becomes permanent. It may seem a silly thing to come apart over, but daily unhappiness and resentment, either him because he is in bed alone, or you because you are in bed awake, will just fester in an unhealthy way.

[Love51]

Have you explained to him? As in 'go to bed now? I've only just cleared dinner, this is my chill time. Would you like to watch a film or see what we missed at Glasto?' If he isnt a primary carer he msy not realise how full on your day can be.
if he wants to sleep at same time as you, you are not stopping him!

[Foreverconfused]

Partner comes up to to comes up later depending on what's on TV. It's usually a case of me watching what I want early evening (ie soaps ) and he can catch up with his bit's once I'm upstairs. If he comes up with me I usually know he's after some !!
Doesn't bother me , usually allows me to do my creams and read my book in peace. The only time it does wind me up is when moans that we haven't had sex in a while ; come up to bed earlier then !!

[SideOrderofChips]

YANBU

DH and i have always gone to bed at separate times. Especially now i'm pregnant.

[MamanOfThree]

We are the other way around. I go to bed early (same as your bf) DH goes to be 'later' well he used to. After so many years he is now going to bed more it less at the same time than me
I would say, if you can fall asleep at that time, then I would go to bed with him at least some if the time, if not all the time. It's nice to fall asleep together and cuddle, esp when you don't live together.
If you can't fall asleep and stay awake for another 2 hours, then it's another issue.
The fact he us getting grumpy is more of an issue but I suspect he is as grumpy about his needs for closeness not been met than you are about your needs to wind down disappearing.
Time for compromise me think.

[MegBusset]

Yanbu, I used to have an ex like this, it drove me mad! DH and I often go to bed at different times, usually me before him. It's never been a problem.

[FryOneFatManic]

Bodicea
Personally I think relationships work better long term if you go to bed together most nights, it brings a sense of closeness.

DP and I have been together for over 28 years.

We rarely go to bed at the same time. And are very close. I don't think it's possible to assume it works for everyone.

[froggyjump]

if he stays over a couple of times a week, can you go to bed early with him once, and he stay up with you once? Even just for a few weeks, so you both get an idea of what the other likes doing - and then have another talk and see where you go from there. Obviously, if you are valuing time on your own without him or the kids around, this won't help...

[5madthings]

Yanbu this would drive me mental, I am a night owl, it is my time and balls to goung to bed early. Also dh drops off to sleep really easily and it can take me a while to go to sleep, thete is nothing more annoying than goung to bed together, him falling asleep within minutes and me being wide awake and as for cuddling as you go to sleep, fuck that I need my space no snuggling up to go to sleep or whilst asleep. Cuddles are fine if awake and I want them, but when I am actually trying to go to sleep I do not want cuddles!

[Bodicea]

Some people might not need it but when you go to bed together it is just about snuggling or sex, you chat to each other about your day, bounce ideas of each other etc. and yes snuggle. I love our time together then and it is definitely a major plus in our relationship - I also dot agree with TVs in the bedroom.
The op might not need this but clearly her bf does and he has tried I tell her how he feels and she has been v dismissive. To be honest it doesn't sound like she likes him all that much anyway.

[Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake]

I like going to bed at the same time, if we didn't then the one who went to bed later would wake the other one up. I think it's nice to end the day together. I don't think I would have a major huff about it but I would get a bit miffed if we went to bed separately all the time.
Having said that I do sneak out once he's asleep to go in the other room as I sleep better by myself. So I am basically a massive hypocrite!

[Runningupthathill82]

Bollocks is it a sign of closeness to go to bed together. On the contrary, I think it indicates closeness to be able to say, as a grown adult, "I'm not tired yet, see you in a bit" and know that the other person isn't going to get needy and huffy about it.

In a secure and loving adult relationship, people should be able to do their own thing - I'd feel stifled if I were in the OPs position.

DH and I rarely go to bed together. Been together 10 years, I just need more sleep than him. Our sex life is fantastic, which I suspect it wouldn't be if I was getting snippy with him at 9.30pm, acting all wounded and asking that he come to bed with me.

YANBU OP. As you say, he's a big boy. Both you and he can go to bed when you please.

[CainInThePunting]

I'm with you, totally not unreasonable.
He is probably a lovely guy but just needs to understand it's not great for you.

However, my xp used to insist I go to bed at the same time..."but I can't sleep unless you're there" whine... with hindsight it was an indication of what a controlling, manipulative and bad tempered bastard he would turn out to be but that doesn't mean your BF is the same.

[SASASI]

YANBU

I go to bed earlier than DH. Occasionally he'll come up shortly
After & I'm usually awake - That's grand.

More often than not I wake at 2am to hear him snoring on the sofa. And yes I leave him there.

That bugs me. Sofa is ok for a doze during the day but from say from 9pm / 10pm onwards just go to bed if you feel like sleeping.

[tabulahrasa]

I've been with my DP for 21 years, I can't see how it could possibly make us closer for me to lie awake beside him for hours while he sleeps...

He goes to bed about 10, the earliest I ever go up is 12, sometimes it's 1 or 2 before I go up.