Who IBU?

[Whatdoido2017]

I'm getting married next may. We are having it in our local church with lunch in the hall next door, room for 100 max.

We decided on our Guestlist of 95-100 people - 25 family members each side and 50 friends.

My mum has no parents or siblings and is not in contact with her nieces and nephews. She wants to invite 10 people from her side of the family who are her mum's brothers and sisters (all over 80, I've only met one or two of them). She was hurt that her family aren't 'represented' and insinuated that I was unthoughtful in not making sure shehad some family there.

This would make our venue uncomfortable - I think those ten would make a big difference.

Was IBU to nit ask their input on the Guestlist? Should I have thought about this?

They are not paying for the wedding, if that affects people's views. She has clearly been stewing over this for the last month since we announced our engagement, and tbh I feel really resentful that I'm being made out to be the problem.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Might there be a few spare places (people who can't make it) so she could invite some of these people?

[Therein2tics]

Everyone said to me when arranging wedding (some years ago) you can't please everyone - which I expected. The issues we had, were not things we anticipated at all - sounds obvious but I was surprised.

eg I'm fairly close to my DM but she "uninvited" my cousin to be bridesmaid. Still not completely clear why, she seemed to get a bit carried away in a conversation to my aunt. Definitely no underlying scandal and no history of similar behaviour?! This type of thing

[russiandwarf]

Agree with all pp, just I thought I'd put it out there that if they are all over 80 they might decline anyway? When I got married I invited older relatives but they weren't up for it!

[Whatdoido2017]

Yes that's true. I don't know, I don't know much about weddings but it just seems to be bizarre to invite 10 people who I don't know and who my Mum has seen about three times in the last ten years. I just wrote a list of people we know!

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

But you're happy to invite 25 people you don't really know either?

You're only looking at it from your pov. Think how your mother might be feeling, such an obvious highlighting that she doesn't have any family of her own to speak of to invite to her daughters wedding. That might be really upsetting her, and you're only thinking of your guestlist.

[Whatdoido2017]

Sorry I wasn't clear - those 25 are cousins, aunties and uncles who my mother is closer too than these 10 more distant relatives on her side. My mother goes on holiday with these people, speaks on the phone, visits regularly etc, but has never given any indication that she is bothered about these other 10 - she doesn't see them.

I agree - it's really upsetting, but I feel the sadness and complex family dynamics are all being put on my shoulders. I honestly thought that because she doesn't keep in touch with anyone, she would rather me invite the 25 who I do know.

[youareallbonkers]

Is your mum contributing to the wedding? If so then yes she should be able to invite people. At least 10% of your guests won't be able to make it anyway so you'll be fine

[DinosaursRoar]

Unfortunately, in my experience, many of the older generation do seem to see weddings as much more of a 'family get together' than about the couple getting married, and the move from the parents to the bride and groom paying for it doesnt seem to have shifted this view. Therefore the priority would be an event to get the family together, rather than the B&G sharing their day with people who matter to them.

I can see why you'd prioritise family members who you did spend time with when you were growing up, even if they aren't part of your life now, over people you've not met!

25 places for family is fine in a 100 place wedding (you have budgetted yourself and your parents in the 100 haven't you? Very common to forget yourself!).

Tell your mum if she wants to see those family members, she's welcome to hold a family get together and invite them.

[DinosaursRoar]

oh and weddings bring up a lot of emotions in extended family, it could well be that you not inviting any of her family has highlighted to your mother the fact that she isn't close to any of her family. It could be that she doesn't want these people there because she actually cares about them (as you said, you haven't met them, they aren't people she thought important to be part of her DCs lives), but because she's embarrassed to have her lack of family ties pointed out to her.

In day to day life, she can probably ignore the fact that she doesn't really have relationships with any of her own family (not keeping in touch with her DB's DCs is sad), but at a wedding, it'll be clearer to her that there's none of 'her' family there.

Unfortunately for your mother, it does sound like she has only realised now how little she has to do with her own family, but it's not fair to try to make you 'fix' this or 'hide' it.

[Lashalicious]

I would definitely invite the ten people on your mother's side. To invite 25 people from your father's side and 0 people from your mother's sounds very mean-spirited to me! Do you not like or love your mother? Is there a bad history there? Otherwise, I think it is very reasonable for your mother to have 10 from her side, regardless of your insistence that she is closer to your father's relatives. All that tells us is that she has a wonderful relationship with her inlaws and that reflects well on her because that is often not easy to achieve! Additionally, your mother would like to have her family there to celebrate with her and with you, her daughter's wedding. It is a big deal to her. It would be a strange feeling for any mother to be at her daughter's wedding and know none of her family, however distant, were invited. I would add her ten family members and make it work. 25 for one side and 0 for your mother? Yes, it's your day. But what are you trying to prove here? It won't hurt you to add 10 for your mother's sake, but it will hurt your mother if you don't. I sympathize with your mother in this situation.

[Lashalicious]

I just read the comment above mine. How vicious to make sure to "point out her lack of family ties" when you know that will surely hurt her.

[MasterchefIwish]

Invite who you wish to. Just ensure there is no bride or grooms side and mix people up for seating and meals. YANBU to not want strangers there, you are already inviting 25 people your mum is close to who you are not.

Lashes the OP has stated the mother knows and goes on holiday with the 2 she has invited while the elderly relatives are very distant so she is not being mean.

[annielouisa]

OP I know she may socialise more with your DF family but to have no blood relatives at her own daughter's wedding is probably breaking her heart.

I think for me being so alone would make me consider my own mortality and think about the fact my own mother was not here to share the day

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

If your parents are still together can't you just tell them that there are 25 family invitations and they can slug it out between the two of them. Insist that cousins Susie, Jack and Sndy are invited as part of the 25 if you are closer to them but otherwise step back and let them get on with it.

When me and do got married my dad was insistent that Great Aunty Eileen (and a plus 1) was invited. Once he'd explained who great Aunty Eileen was, and dragged out a photo of her with me (aged 5 months) at my christening to prove that "of course you've met Aunty Eileen") and explained how fun she was (I was 20 at my wedding - if you weren't downing tequila then it wasn't my idea of fun!) I gave in through sheer exhaustion! Luckily Aunty Eileen obviously couldn't remember who I was either so declined.

[BitOfABoost]

Why don't you suggest that she plans her own celebration to invite these 10 people to - a 30 wedding anniversary party/significant birthday for her. She seems keen to "host" them. Maybe she wants an excuse to see them/play the hostess/show her children off (before they get too old). She may feel she has an obligation to do so. If you suggest there is no reason why she cannot host them then she may realise it is not your job to do so. She wants them at a party? She can invite them to hers. Clearly don't put it as bluntly as that - but you get the drift.

[PtolemysNeedle]

I can see why your mums upset.

[DinosaursRoar]

Lashalicious - I didn't say the OP should point it out, just explaining why the mother might suddenly feel the need to invite people to her DD's wedding when she's not felt the need to invite them to to her house at any other point so that the DD in question can actually meet them and get to know them.

On the face of it, it seems odd that the mother wants people who aren't important enough for her to spend time with there, but if it's more that the mother is just realising the extent of her lack of relationships within her own family.

Weddings do bring up a lot of emotions within the wider family that don't really have anything to do with the couple, but often the couple are expected to deal with them.

The mother's situation is sad, but there must be more to it, that her DD hasn't met some of her family must be due to the mother not taking her to see them when she was a child. The cousins of the OP not being invited because she doesn't know them must mean the OP's mother didn't keep in touch with her DB's DCs after his death. This is the mother's issues to deal with. Her DD's wedding might have brought it to the fore, but it's unfair to try to use her DD's wedding to "fix" it.

OP, be gentle with your mum, but don't feel you have to invite strangers to your wedding. Could you compromise with saying you'll invite the couple you've met, then get your invites out early (say, at Christmas) and any declines you recieve, you'll invite those others on the list first.

[Lashalicious]

DinosaursRoar, I phrased that wrong, my apologies. I meant that, knowing it will hurt the mother having this pointed out (by not inviting anyone on her side), then why not invite them, especially as one side gets 25 and the other none? That is very harsh to me. We don't know why they don't see much of each other. It may not be the mothers fault. I have a brother the rest if us rarely see, not because he doesn't love us or us him, but because he works a crazy schedule and he's somewhat of a hermit. However, when his daughter got married, he wanted us all there. When something big happens, he shows up. We are thrilled to see him. We don't judge him, we are private people generally too, we don't drop in on him or bother him with visits because he is just a very private person. I don't know why OP is not inviting her mother's family. Her reasoning that her mother is not close to them or is closer to the others is contradicted by her mother's clear wish to have them there. OP, I think you are underestimating how a mother feels when get child gets married. She wants, and needs, to have people there that knew her when she was young and know how much that young girl wanted a little girl of her own someday and will be happy for her and for you on your big day.

Have you stopped to consider the possibility that your mother perhaps is hoping that her otherwise private, or reserved family will come if there is something as meaningful as this? You sound so insensitive to your own mother, truly I don't understand unless you have ill will toward her for some reason, and if justified, would make sense. Right now, your attitude comes across as unloving and callous.

[Whatdoido2017]

Lashalicuous, thank you for your pov - that's why I love mumsnet! I honestly couldn't tell you the names of my mum's dbs children - my first cousins, that's just a reflection of her lack of effort to stay in touch. Equally, I wouldn't recognise most of the ten she expected me to invite. I do feel sad that that is her situation, but do feel another poster got it right when they said she is putting her insecurities on my shoulders.

On another note - I.only told my parents we were getting married last week. Mum didn't ask me what the Guestlist was, just assumed Id deliberately decided to exclude her family and then got really angry at me. Tbh we hadn't actually finalised the list!

[Lashalicious]

Whatdoido2017, thank you for responding to my post...but you didn't address what some of us have been asking you all thread. From your post, you say you do want to deliberately exclude your mother's family. So your mother assumed correctly.

You've repeated over and over that you don't know them and you don't want to invite them. So don't do it then. Why even post? Your conscience tells you that you should invite your mother's family, she wishes them to be there. Did you even read my comment? You didn't address anything I said.

Your mother has asked you to invite them. Why not say yes?

So you think that 25 from your father's side and 0 from your mother's side is fair? And you admit you don't know all the people from your father's side that well either. See how easy it is to fall out of contact. Why haven't you made the effort to keep in contact with them? Why haven't you attempted to make contact with family on your mother's side?

Why haven't you yourself reached out to your first cousins? You are an adult. Why is it the sole fault of your mother's? If she committed the terrible sin of not keeping in touch with people, then surely you'd want to invite them to your wedding so that you can make contact with them?

It sounds like you're using excuses to punish your mother for some reason. What is the root cause of this?

You've castigated your mother this whole thread for not keeping in contact with family. I will call you on your bluff. Here is your chance to get to know your mother's family. Here's your chance to contact them and reach out. Why don't you? She wants to contact them and invite them, you are the one resisting contacting them and dead set against inviting them. Your mother sounds like a lovely person. She gets on with your father's family, that is a credit to her, not necessarily an indictment of a "lack of effort" with her family. You are the one who doesn't want to make the effort of contacting them now, not your mother, so you can't blame your mother anymore.

[WayneRooneysHair]

It's your wedding, invite who you want.

[MagicMojito]

Elope. Elope.Elope. Once this issue is resolved another one will be creeping just around the corner!

Elope!

[MagicMojito]

Congrats on your engagement


(Elope)

[chewymeringue]

We're planning a wedding too (a very small one) and it is very, very hard to make these sorts of decisions so I sympathise with you. I have to say though, on the face of it, it seems a bit unreasonable to invite so many from your dad's side and none from your mums. Granted it can't always be equal but to invite none of them seems unfair.

That said I do understand your reluctance to have lots of people at the wedding that you've never even met and of course there's the numbers thing which is SO tricky. Maybe offer her the chance to invite a couple and if she says she can't choose then at least you've tried.

[chewymeringue]

This is the main reason we are having a very small wedding. Close family and a couple of friends each.