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To be pissed off that DH doesn't leave the house when looking after our Ds aged 2

66 replies

Bumpandkind · 25/06/2015 17:46

I may be, being harsh on him but will let the MN jury decide!
We both work hard and juggle all childcare between the two of us. He looks after Ds from 06.30am to 4pm whilst I'm at work three days a week and goes to work as soon as I return in the evening until returning home aprox 12.30am.

We live in a small, gardenless urban flat and Never takes Ds out anywhere. TBH I'm not sure how he fills the day as staying in with a very active toddler would drive me crazy. As soon as I get home I always whisk him out to the park or soft play.

I understand that he's often exhausted but going out to the local playground with him for 40 mins would only take 1hour out of his day.

I've tried to raise this with him many times but nothing has come of it.

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 25/06/2015 17:49

YANBU. He needs to parent your son, not just keep an eye in him.

Does he do loads of deep-cleaning instead?


Bumpandkind · 25/06/2015 17:51

Haha, no! He doesn't use the telly thank goodness and I know they read a lot of stories together but how can that fill a day. He will do the light stuff,washing up, making the bed, takes the bin out.

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redskybynight · 25/06/2015 17:52

So what does he do with your DS all day? As you say yourself being at home with an active toddler must be hard - so he must be doing "something" with him?


TheHouseOnBellSt · 25/06/2015 17:53

Oh dear yanbu. I would tell him that he MUST take DS out or you will be changing your work...or stopping work altogether. It's only a little trip that a toddler needs...but they do need it. In your shoes, I would consider changing my own job to get over this.


Bumpandkind · 25/06/2015 18:02

Really not sure what he does all day. Watch him play??? I know they read stories and watch a bit of peppa (Ds will only tolerate telly for max 1/2 hour before he gets bored). I would really go mad cooped up all day.

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googoodolly · 25/06/2015 18:02

Hmm why should OP change HER job to make up for her DH's laziness?


DoJo · 25/06/2015 18:05

I'm undecided - there have been plenty of posts on here over the last few weeks where mothers are seeking validation for their lack of desire to go out to groups and their preference for staying at home and entertaining their children themselves, and these have garnered almost universal support. If your husband is finding ways to stimulate your son, engaging with him and not going mad, then who's to say he has to take him out?

I think suggesting that your preferred way is the only way to parent is a little dictatorial (not that you have come across like this, but the suggestion that you give up work is IMO) - unless you feel as though your son is missing out on something essential by your partner not taking him out, which you haven't mentioned, then why do you feel that leaving the flat is more important than the time they spend doing things together inside.


JaniceJoplin · 25/06/2015 18:06

Would you qualify for any 2 yr old funded childcare?

How many nights a week is your DP working?


tyaca · 25/06/2015 18:09

If your DH and your DS are happy enough then I would leave it tbh.

My dd was really happy tootling round at home when she was little. I didn't have many friends to meet up with and found park etc really dull on my own. When ds came (15m gap) staying in was no longer an option (for me or for the dcs) and I spent every minute possible out and about.

I would have been really peed off if DH has tried to tell me how to spend my time with DD when it was just the two of us. We bonded so well just pottering about.


Bumpandkind · 25/06/2015 18:09

Good point dojo, I would be certain he was the one in the wrong if they wer just watching TV all day but in this case I'm not sure (hence AIBU)! I just feel its important to take them out and I just don't understand staying in when the weather is fine. I get cabin fever very quickly so this May cloud my judgement.

OP posts:

Frusso · 25/06/2015 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovechristmas1 · 25/06/2015 18:13

its only 3 days so there is the other 4 to do park,groups etc

you say hes not watching tv much but reading to dc to i dont really see the problem if it works for them


Bumpandkind · 25/06/2015 18:18

I am coming round to the idea of childcare but I like not paying for it at the moment! frusso replace TV with iPad and yes! I can guess that's whats happening. DP works about 3 nights and two double shifts.

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WorraLiberty · 25/06/2015 18:19

So for 3 days a week, your DS gets no fresh air and exercise? Or at least he wouldn't if it wasn't for you?

YANBU. I don't think that's particularly healthy, especially as you don't have a garden.

If you'd come on to say that your DH wasn't walking the dog, most people would be up in arms. So why is it ok for a toddler, who will no doubt be bursting with energy?

Sorry about the dog comparison, it sounds rude to compare to your son but it's not meant to Blush


SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/06/2015 18:23

If he is playing with your child, doing things that are fun and educational, then I'd say YABU - we all parent in different ways.

Dh was always the outdoorsy, active parent, and I wasn't - but the dses had a reasonable balance of indoor and outdoor activities - and a balance between play that was primarily for fun, and play that was educational.

And despite my huge failings, as a sporty, outdoorsy parent, all three have grown up balanced and active young men.

That said, if he was doing nothing with your ds all day, then I'd say YANBU.

Does he play games with your ds - duplo, jigsaws, cars, trains, dolls, kitchens etc, or do colouring, craft activities and imaginative play, as well as reading to him? I am. It saying he should be doing all of these every day, but he probably should be doing some play with your ds, not just watching him play.


MrsKoala · 25/06/2015 18:24

We often have 1-2 days a week where we don't leave the house. We have a tiny courtyard garden and before we moved in in no last year, lived in a garden less flat with a largish balcony and in the winter there were often 3-4 days in a row we didn't go out. The TV was/is on most days when we are home too. My DC are 2.9 and 9mo.

Some days we just need to be quiet and relax and I also need to get lots done in the house. We tried groups and parks but they were difficult and ds1 didn't like them/was asked to leave. So I suppose it depends on the child. If he was different I may have gone out more.

Also I was quite ill when pregnant and couldn't face walking up a steep hill. Everywhere was a drive away and I didn't drive. Ds1 doesn't seem too damaged now :)


Bumpandkind · 25/06/2015 18:25

No need to apologise worra, you always speak sense!
I personally don't like it as I get so restless myself inside. But I know DH is utterly exhausted hence the feel a bit unreasonable.
Opinions seem about 50/50 on here. Really interested to hear everyone's thoughts.

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WorraLiberty · 25/06/2015 18:27

Actually, is it 3 days in a row?

Because if it's not, then I don't really see a problem.

If it is, then I think he should at least attempt to walk him to the shop and back, or take him out for an hour on at least one of those days.


Bumpandkind · 25/06/2015 18:32

It varies. Some weeks it is. He is bursting whith energy when I get home and we go straight out. It didn't bother me so much in the winter.

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Bumpandkind · 25/06/2015 18:36

SDTG I think their is a bit of interactive play but I'm sure a lot of the time is watching him play. No craft for sure but cars and his pretend shopping cart plus pretend food strewn about the place.

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yorkshapudding · 25/06/2015 18:38

I am inclined to agree with Dojo. I also think that if a man posted here criticising his lazy wife for not taking the DC out the responses might be quite different. It's a tricky one. I can understand why you don't want your DS to be cooped up indoors but it will be difficult to raise the issue without coming across like you're criticising his parenting and expecting him to parent the way you would when you're not there. Is your DH generally a bit of a homebody? How is he with socialising and meeting new people? Just wondering if maybe he's worried about going to toddler groups, soft play type places etc. where he might be the only lone male there and he'll be expected to make awkward conversation with random groups of Mums.


Bumpandkind · 25/06/2015 18:42

He has admitted toddler groups and soft play are not his thing (I not only tolerate them but really enjoy going). But we have three beautiful parks maximum 20 minute walk away not to mention playgrounds much closer to home.

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SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/06/2015 18:44

I will be honest, and say I think I was a crap parent, by some people's standards. I had depression, and found it very hard to motivate myself either to go out with the boys as much as I should have, or to do as much interactive play and craft stuff as I should.

Luckily they all survived and flourished, but maybe it was in spite of me, not because of me.

But ds1 just graduated 2:1 in Law, and got offered his first job, so maybe I did OK.


GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 25/06/2015 18:50

I wouldn't be impressed. It's not great for anyone to stay indoors that much! Does he like getting out without your son?


Bumpandkind · 25/06/2015 18:54

Depression is crippling, I'm sure you weren't a bad parent Flowers.

I on the other hand have been MNing for the last hour whilst Ds has been fending for himself. Just got a call from DH who, when I mentioned I'd noticed he'd put fresh betteries in ours sons beloved upsy daisy doll told me he and Ds had been dancing to the upsy daisy song it played. Soooo maybe they do play together a bit after all Blush!

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