I've rented out rooms in my homes for 20 years, always to 20something girls. For the last 3/4 months for the first time I have a male lodger, 39, never married, no kids, serial monogamist from what I can work out, lived with ex's in their houses, never owned a home of his own. He travels frequently but NEVER tells me if he's away. EVERY previous lodger has always automatically told me if they're going to be away overnight or going on holiday or whatever, and vice versa, never had to ask. I've asked a few times in the last few months that he let me know if he's away and our WhatsApp conversation is a constant repeat of the same conversation:
Me: Are you away??
Him: Why?
Me: excuse/reason can you just let me know if you're going to be away, thanks!
Him: Oh... Erm... ok, sorry.
I think he thinks I'm being a controlling girlfriend or mother type trying to check up on him or something but I want to know for a number of reasons which I've explained to him so many times now. He's renting my spare bedroom in my small 2 bed house and we share bathroom, kitchen, entrance, hall, etc so he's very much in my home and we're on top of each other.
- if I'm on my own I might double bolt the door from the inside at night, I won't if he's coming back
- if I know he's coming back I won't worry if I hear noises at midnight and think a mad axe murderer has broken in
- if I'm on my own I may nip to the loo at 3am in just my pants and leave the bedroom & bathroom doors open/unlocked & won't flush. If he's here I obviously won't do that but I cosleep with a 7month old and putting on clothes, closing doors, locking the bathroom, flushing etc risks waking her, and if she were to cry or roll I'm that much slower to hear and get back to her through 2 closed/locked doors.
- I'm on my own with the baby and sometimes I have to leave her to cry and wait for me while I do things like clean up after dinner, Hoover and mop, clean the bathroom, get my washing out the machine, all in case he's coming back and will want to use these things. If I know he's not I might leave it till the morning or something and saves the baby being left to cry or waiting for her bath and bed getting overtired which makes me feel like shit but I feel I have to keep the place spotless and empty the machine straight away if he's here.
- he has been out since Friday and left his bedroom windows open and last night we had torrential rain which woke me up, had I known he wasn't back I'd have closed his windows.
- baby has a horrible cold at the moment and was so snotty and miserable last night, had I known he was out i'd have tried her in a steamy bathroom but as its next to his room I didn't want to disturb him.
- because he works shifts I try to keep her quiet as possible and I don't sing to her or squeal and play till I know if he's out or sleeping and I feel it's not fair to her if he's out and I'm staying silent and shushing her in her own home for nothing.
- it's driving me mad and making me feel really gross and uncomfortable but his room STINKS and he's not washed his bedsheets since he moved in, not hoovered or mopped or taken his bins out or taken dirty cups down since he moved in and if I know he's away it's driving me mad enough to go in and wash his sheets, open the windows, mop, wash the cups and empty the bins, open the curtains FFS before the neighbours think someone has died in there and a family of rats move in. It's not my job and probably not my place to do this but that's my daughter's room, her bed, her curtains, and this is my home and the smell is awful. I'm going to have to burn her mattress when he goes and buy a new one. :( When I have opened the windows you can smell it in the garden, and I'm desperately trying to stop the rest of the house stinking too. God help me in the winter when I can't leave all the rest of the windows open - the only good thing at the moment is I have 2 hall windows putside his room I can leave open but won't be able to in the winter. :( Honestly he's like a teenage boy. He's 39 years old!! It's horrible. :(
- the house is on the market and it's disgusting for viewings and I don't want them thinking that's me so if he's away I'll pop in and air it out and check it's not too disgusting for viewings!!
Surely it's basic common courtesy just to say in passing to someone you live with that you're going to be away for a few days?? Is this a girl/safety thing that the previous ones have all automatically just said "oh by the way I'm away this weekend" and men have never had to do this? Is it a mysogynistic/chauvinistic thing he's not "answering to"/"being controlled by" some woman? Is it a bit of a creep thing - let's see if I can catch her in her pants one day (I regret it now but I did joke about this in the early days and he's made borderline creepy "jokes" CONSTANTLY since). Is it an immature thing, a laugh to wind me up? Does he just genuinely not see any reason or need to tell me, it's not my business, he pays his rent so that's all I need to be concerned with? AIBU to ask him to just let me know?
