To ask a lodger if they're away??

[JayTay]

I've rented out rooms in my homes for 20 years, always to 20something girls. For the last 3/4 months for the first time I have a male lodger, 39, never married, no kids, serial monogamist from what I can work out, lived with ex's in their houses, never owned a home of his own. He travels frequently but NEVER tells me if he's away. EVERY previous lodger has always automatically told me if they're going to be away overnight or going on holiday or whatever, and vice versa, never had to ask. I've asked a few times in the last few months that he let me know if he's away and our WhatsApp conversation is a constant repeat of the same conversation:
Me: Are you away??
Him: Why?
Me: excuse/reason can you just let me know if you're going to be away, thanks!
Him: Oh... Erm... ok, sorry.

I think he thinks I'm being a controlling girlfriend or mother type trying to check up on him or something but I want to know for a number of reasons which I've explained to him so many times now. He's renting my spare bedroom in my small 2 bed house and we share bathroom, kitchen, entrance, hall, etc so he's very much in my home and we're on top of each other.

• if I'm on my own I might double bolt the door from the inside at night, I won't if he's coming back
  
• if I know he's coming back I won't worry if I hear noises at midnight and think a mad axe murderer has broken in
  
• if I'm on my own I may nip to the loo at 3am in just my pants and leave the bedroom & bathroom doors open/unlocked & won't flush. If he's here I obviously won't do that but I cosleep with a 7month old and putting on clothes, closing doors, locking the bathroom, flushing etc risks waking her, and if she were to cry or roll I'm that much slower to hear and get back to her through 2 closed/locked doors.
  
• I'm on my own with the baby and sometimes I have to leave her to cry and wait for me while I do things like clean up after dinner, Hoover and mop, clean the bathroom, get my washing out the machine, all in case he's coming back and will want to use these things. If I know he's not I might leave it till the morning or something and saves the baby being left to cry or waiting for her bath and bed getting overtired which makes me feel like shit but I feel I have to keep the place spotless and empty the machine straight away if he's here.
  
• he has been out since Friday and left his bedroom windows open and last night we had torrential rain which woke me up, had I known he wasn't back I'd have closed his windows.
  
• baby has a horrible cold at the moment and was so snotty and miserable last night, had I known he was out i'd have tried her in a steamy bathroom but as its next to his room I didn't want to disturb him.
  
• because he works shifts I try to keep her quiet as possible and I don't sing to her or squeal and play till I know if he's out or sleeping and I feel it's not fair to her if he's out and I'm staying silent and shushing her in her own home for nothing.
  
• it's driving me mad and making me feel really gross and uncomfortable but his room STINKS and he's not washed his bedsheets since he moved in, not hoovered or mopped or taken his bins out or taken dirty cups down since he moved in and if I know he's away it's driving me mad enough to go in and wash his sheets, open the windows, mop, wash the cups and empty the bins, open the curtains FFS before the neighbours think someone has died in there and a family of rats move in. It's not my job and probably not my place to do this but that's my daughter's room, her bed, her curtains, and this is my home and the smell is awful. I'm going to have to burn her mattress when he goes and buy a new one. :( When I have opened the windows you can smell it in the garden, and I'm desperately trying to stop the rest of the house stinking too. God help me in the winter when I can't leave all the rest of the windows open - the only good thing at the moment is I have 2 hall windows putside his room I can leave open but won't be able to in the winter. :( Honestly he's like a teenage boy. He's 39 years old!! It's horrible. :(
  
• the house is on the market and it's disgusting for viewings and I don't want them thinking that's me so if he's away I'll pop in and air it out and check it's not too disgusting for viewings!!
  

Surely it's basic common courtesy just to say in passing to someone you live with that you're going to be away for a few days?? Is this a girl/safety thing that the previous ones have all automatically just said "oh by the way I'm away this weekend" and men have never had to do this? Is it a mysogynistic/chauvinistic thing he's not "answering to"/"being controlled by" some woman? Is it a bit of a creep thing - let's see if I can catch her in her pants one day (I regret it now but I did joke about this in the early days and he's made borderline creepy "jokes" CONSTANTLY since). Is it an immature thing, a laugh to wind me up? Does he just genuinely not see any reason or need to tell me, it's not my business, he pays his rent so that's all I need to be concerned with? AIBU to ask him to just let me know?

[Melonfool]

Not read the thread but I have been both a homeowner with lodgers and a lodger and I would say it is common courtesy to let someone know if you are away.

I tell my current weekday landlady by text.

All the reasons you list are valid, but you don't need a reason, it's your home. OK he rents a room but you do need to know when he's there.

I'd ask him to go, give him 1m notice for fairness and advertise again, most people are more considerate.

One time my Lodger forgot what day I was due back from hols and thought it was a day later, and she double locked the door from inside and gone to bed. Took me ages to get her to hear me. So that's why you need to know.

Oh, if you can afford slightly less income I have found M-Fri lodgers a lot more relaxing as I can do as I wish at weekends.

[SunnyBaudelaire]

I agree with everyone who has said kick him out

[The5DayChicken]

It doesn't sound like you two are compatible for living together.

I understand why you'd want to be told if he wasn't coming home, but if I were a lodger I wouldn't want to have to do this. I've shared flats before and though it's nice to be told in advance that I have the place to myself, I wouldn't have dreamed of checking up on my absent flat mate. That said though, if it was part of the agreement I made with you, I'd respect it.

I also think it's hugely intrusive of you to be going into his bedroom (the space he's paying for the exclusive use of) without specifically being invited in. I'd be extremely annoyed as a lodger if I came home to find my landlord had not only entered my room but also cleaned it. It's a huge invasion of privacy. I'd suggest that in future your agreements with any lodgers include something that states they must keep the room relatively clean and air it out regularly.

[JayTay]

I've been renting out rooms for 20 years and this is the first time I've ever gone in there and aired it out or cleaned it. But saying that in 20 years I've never had a lodger who didn't change their bed for 4 months and whose room smells so bad that the neighbour text me last week to say she thought he had been in her garden because she could smell him while she was sitting out there, but it was just his room and the smell floating over across the road when he opened his windows! And when it's filtering out to the rest of the house it's pretty grim. I normally wouldn't dream of doing it, but it's on the market and that's seriously going to put off potential buyers and the last thing I need is the ex husband claiming I'm preventing a sale by having the place in a state for viewings. Also it's just horrible living in a smelly house, it's embarrassing when I have friends over, and it's just horrible to smell that all the time. I have occasionally squirted some Febreeze around in there but only actually done a proper clean and bed change once. I wouldn't normally. I hate cleaning! I think you're right about the twentysomething girls, I haven't looked at it from that angle, but yes this is the first time I've ever deviated from that type of person and the first time I've come across this so you're probably right. I think I'm going to advertise for someone else but then the state of the room now would put them off!! Catch 22! I need the money and can't afford to have it empty at the moment.

[Floggingmolly]

You're selling the house? Won't the problem simply solve itself, then? . You're never thinking of taking him with you??

[JayTay]

Well yeah but I t's been on the market for a couple years now is not going anywhere yet. But the fact is I am still having dealings and I don't want to put somebody who could buy the property off especially as it does seem to be a pretty tough house to sell. There's other little things too, a general the "rules don't apply to me" attitude, just silly little niggles but it's starting to bug me. I have a new shoe rule because the baby is learning to crawl basically lives on the floor, typical age of everything going straight in the mouth, and he refuses to abide by it, not once has he taken his shoes off. He'd rather I hoover and mop six times a flaming day. I specifically asked for a non-smoker and he told me he didn't smoke and then I realised after he moved in that he actually does so I told him not to smoke near the windows and to move away because I didn't smoke coming into the house and the baby breathing it in, also I've only just given up smoking when I was pregnant and I really don't want to start again but the smell makes me crave it, but he's recently taken to smoking right under the bedroom windows every morning so me and the baby I woken up by fag smoke. And when he's not doing that he's vaping in his bedroom which also stinks! And I'm fairly sure that also releases nicotine and I don't particularly want the baby breathing it in. I think there is a general arrogance to him and I really do not get on with arrogance. I think his days are numbered. Thanks for the input though everybody, I think you give me something to think about.

[JayTay]

Sorry, using a speech to text program, so many mistakes!

[TheCatsMother99]

I don't even know why you haven't got rid of him. Not only is he disgusting, he lied about being a smoker.

[IconicTonic]

Don't know why you've put up with him for this long.

[maryhadalittleham]

So basically he's doing everything you asked him not to do ?

[mileend2bermondsey]

I have occasionally squirted some Febreeze around in there but only actually done a proper clean and bed change once
This is totally inappropriate OP. Either kick him out or get over it but you cannot go rifling through a tennants room!

[RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime]

Why on earth haven't you got rid of him?

[lottiegarbanzo]

I think he's used to being accountable to no-one and finds your request intrusive, odd and just not something he's used to thinking about. Women do have a more developed awareness of safety and of social obligation, generally.

He probably has no concept of the needs of babies and finds the fact your requests have changed over time a bit odd and difficult to keep up with, especially as he's not interested in your baby in any way.

If his room stinks to the extent it affects you, tell him to clean it, rather than going in there. It's perfectly reasonable to say he's not meeting basic standards expected in a house share - and, one hopes, set out in his contract.

What a selfish tosser though, really. Get rid.

[JayTay]

Need the money. Plus not sure if I was being too highly strung re shoes, smoke, letting me know if he's away, room making the rest of the house stink, "jokes" etc but I don't think I am actually. And at the end of the day even if I am being unreasonable it is my home with my baby here and if I'm not comfortable and it's not working then it's time to find someone else regardless. Not sure what his previous girlfriends and mother have done with him but he's not housetrained and they must have waited on him hand and foot because he really cannot look after himself or a home. He's nearly 40 FFS. I won't go in his room again but he's going to have to go. Honestly thinking about the bed makes me shudder.

[whois]

It is common courtesy so say when you're going away for a few days, but for one night I wouldn't expect to be told.

It's 100% not on you going into his room. Ever. That is so out of order.

But saying that, he sounds like a shit lodger and I would get rid. But then I'm thinking what decent lodger would want to share with a woman and her 7 month old baby. A proper house share is much more preferable.

[Floggingmolly]

I couldn't bear to share with a muck lark like this; but realistically, if you need the money what are the chances of replacing him when your house is up for sale?
Nobody would rent a room under those circumstances, so you're between a rock and a hard place, I'm afraid.

[Gabilan]

"I would hate to live somewhere where I had to tell my landlord what I was doing"

It is one of the problems of lodging - you're always aware that it's someone else's home and not yours. I only did it to save money and now I avoid it, as not having my own space really isn't good for me.

That said, when I lodged or shared I always told someone when I was going to be away. To me that is just basic courtesy, otherwise someone might be worried about what might have happened to me. And then there's the night-time lock up routine, people just need to know and it's not as if it's a major hassle to say "I'm going to a friend's for the weekend".

The shoes thing is fine, I don't like people wearing outdoor shoes indoors, in fact I find it quite uncivilised. If you're uncomfortable with the jokes he needs to know and stop them. It's also not on that his room stinks and that he smokes BUT as others have said, you cannot go in his room without permission.

Just give him notice, I doubt he's really going to change.

[JayTay]

When I cleaned out his room when he was away for 10 days (and I mean I didn't move anything except the bin bag & mouldy dishes - didn't touch his actual stuff or look through his drawers or anything, just hoovered, mopped and wiped round it and washed the bedsheets & curtains because they absolutely stunk and were holding in the smell, I had the windows and door open for a week and sprayed Febreeze around before that and they still stunk, it was the only way to get rid of the bulk of the smell unless I wanted to wash all his clothes and shoes too!!) I was hoping it would give him the hint that the state of it was unacceptable and show him how much it stunk but 2/3 days later it was straight back to a stinking pit. I honestly don't know how he can stand it or how his friends or girlfriends or family haven't said something but then I suppose they either put up with it, didn't mind/notice it or cleaned it themselves. This might be weird for him actually realising either how much his ex did for him or what a clean house is really like (not that this place is even that clean, I'm certainly not on the same level as my mother or friends - it's clean but it's not a perfect show home, I'm not a naturally clean and tidy person, it's an effort for me to keep my place nice which is half the reason this annoys me so much, I have enough to do cleaning up after myself and DD, never mind him too.) maybe it's a chance for him to pull himself together and get himself housetrained or for me to stop being passive aggressive, learn to have the difficult conversations and also chill out and just accept him and his rent and just let it go.

[Melonfool]

Re going in the room, I always had M-F lodgers only so I told them to check with me that I wasn't going away at a weekend and strip their bed and leave the linen outside the room, I would wash it, hang it out, fold it and leave it outside the room for them to make the bed.
Now and then I went in and ran a hoover round quickly but I always told them I would be. Other than that I didn't go in.

[Melonfool]

I'd chuck him out with a weeks notice for the smoking, I cannot bear it, nor vaping, and if I'd said no smokers and then he did he'd be out.

[FishWithABicycle]

He sounds awful. Give him notice. There are plenty of decent clean-living civilised people who want to rent a room.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Well yes. Direct conversations and a good tenancy agreement are the only way to go. Passive aggressive hints and digs would irritate me immensely - I'd ignore deliberately I'm afraid, on the grounds that if you want to communicate something to me, you say it to me.

[sykadelic]

You said he'd always lived with exes, so I get the feeling that's why he's treating you so poorly.

He was either in a relationship with them and they'd pick up his shit, or not in a relationship with them and they'd still pick up his shit for reasons you list.

Him saying "why" when you ask if he's out is him responding to you as if you're his girlfriend/ex-girlfriend/mum. "why" means "what business is it of yours?".

He has absolutely no respect for your rules:

• smoking when you specifically said no smoker
  
• vaping in his room
  
• not keeping the place tidy
  
• not letting you know hen he's out, despite repeated reminders why
  
• not taking his shoes off
  

He'd be getting notice from me too. I think having girls is a much better idea than a man you don't know in your little 2 bedroom house.

[Melonfool]

Lodgers don't have tenancy agreements, they have no legal rights and the last thing you want to do is start gifting them rights.