To ask a lodger if they're away??

[JayTay]

I've rented out rooms in my homes for 20 years, always to 20something girls. For the last 3/4 months for the first time I have a male lodger, 39, never married, no kids, serial monogamist from what I can work out, lived with ex's in their houses, never owned a home of his own. He travels frequently but NEVER tells me if he's away. EVERY previous lodger has always automatically told me if they're going to be away overnight or going on holiday or whatever, and vice versa, never had to ask. I've asked a few times in the last few months that he let me know if he's away and our WhatsApp conversation is a constant repeat of the same conversation:
Me: Are you away??
Him: Why?
Me: excuse/reason can you just let me know if you're going to be away, thanks!
Him: Oh... Erm... ok, sorry.

I think he thinks I'm being a controlling girlfriend or mother type trying to check up on him or something but I want to know for a number of reasons which I've explained to him so many times now. He's renting my spare bedroom in my small 2 bed house and we share bathroom, kitchen, entrance, hall, etc so he's very much in my home and we're on top of each other.

• if I'm on my own I might double bolt the door from the inside at night, I won't if he's coming back
  
• if I know he's coming back I won't worry if I hear noises at midnight and think a mad axe murderer has broken in
  
• if I'm on my own I may nip to the loo at 3am in just my pants and leave the bedroom & bathroom doors open/unlocked & won't flush. If he's here I obviously won't do that but I cosleep with a 7month old and putting on clothes, closing doors, locking the bathroom, flushing etc risks waking her, and if she were to cry or roll I'm that much slower to hear and get back to her through 2 closed/locked doors.
  
• I'm on my own with the baby and sometimes I have to leave her to cry and wait for me while I do things like clean up after dinner, Hoover and mop, clean the bathroom, get my washing out the machine, all in case he's coming back and will want to use these things. If I know he's not I might leave it till the morning or something and saves the baby being left to cry or waiting for her bath and bed getting overtired which makes me feel like shit but I feel I have to keep the place spotless and empty the machine straight away if he's here.
  
• he has been out since Friday and left his bedroom windows open and last night we had torrential rain which woke me up, had I known he wasn't back I'd have closed his windows.
  
• baby has a horrible cold at the moment and was so snotty and miserable last night, had I known he was out i'd have tried her in a steamy bathroom but as its next to his room I didn't want to disturb him.
  
• because he works shifts I try to keep her quiet as possible and I don't sing to her or squeal and play till I know if he's out or sleeping and I feel it's not fair to her if he's out and I'm staying silent and shushing her in her own home for nothing.
  
• it's driving me mad and making me feel really gross and uncomfortable but his room STINKS and he's not washed his bedsheets since he moved in, not hoovered or mopped or taken his bins out or taken dirty cups down since he moved in and if I know he's away it's driving me mad enough to go in and wash his sheets, open the windows, mop, wash the cups and empty the bins, open the curtains FFS before the neighbours think someone has died in there and a family of rats move in. It's not my job and probably not my place to do this but that's my daughter's room, her bed, her curtains, and this is my home and the smell is awful. I'm going to have to burn her mattress when he goes and buy a new one. :( When I have opened the windows you can smell it in the garden, and I'm desperately trying to stop the rest of the house stinking too. God help me in the winter when I can't leave all the rest of the windows open - the only good thing at the moment is I have 2 hall windows putside his room I can leave open but won't be able to in the winter. :( Honestly he's like a teenage boy. He's 39 years old!! It's horrible. :(
  
• the house is on the market and it's disgusting for viewings and I don't want them thinking that's me so if he's away I'll pop in and air it out and check it's not too disgusting for viewings!!
  

Surely it's basic common courtesy just to say in passing to someone you live with that you're going to be away for a few days?? Is this a girl/safety thing that the previous ones have all automatically just said "oh by the way I'm away this weekend" and men have never had to do this? Is it a mysogynistic/chauvinistic thing he's not "answering to"/"being controlled by" some woman? Is it a bit of a creep thing - let's see if I can catch her in her pants one day (I regret it now but I did joke about this in the early days and he's made borderline creepy "jokes" CONSTANTLY since). Is it an immature thing, a laugh to wind me up? Does he just genuinely not see any reason or need to tell me, it's not my business, he pays his rent so that's all I need to be concerned with? AIBU to ask him to just let me know?

[Gabilan]

"they have no legal rights and the last thing you want to do is start gifting them rights."

And that, right there, is why I never want to be a lodger ever again.

[RepeatAdNauseum]

I'm a bit torn here.

I often don't have set plans. I went out with a friend for dinner last night, sometimes we're back at 10pm, this morning I got back at 3:30am but I could have stayed out later, or stayed at hers. I tend to play it by ear, sometimes I want my bed, sometimes I'm happy staying out. I do live on my own, though. If I still lived with DP, I'd have kept him up to date via text.

Sometimes I've gone out for the day and had a train ticket to come home at 7pm but actually ended up coming back on Monday or Tuesday...I can work from anywhere, so I'm very flexible.

I'm quite anxious, though, so I'd feel very stressed about telling my landlord what I was doing, and I'd probably keep myself to myself and not cook in the kitchen or anything so I didn't feel "in the way". I'd also find it really intrusive and anxiety-inducing to know that my landlord was in my room...it's my room, my space.

If he's paying his rent on time, I think he's probably meeting his obligations. If you aren't happy with his cleanliness and smoking, give him notice to leave, but you can't keep taking his money but intrude on his space.

[Melonfool]

And hopefully you don't have to be one Gabilan, but it suits some people and my experiences are that the vast majority of people are just decent people getting on with their lives quietly.

I live with dp but work away from home and have a M-F lodging, though am mostly there only a couple of nights a week, maybe three.

Once we get our en suite sorted we will put our spare room up for rent. The plan being to get around £2k a year towards the mortgage. This could well mean we can pay it off within five years, when do will be 47. I think it's worth the minor inconvenience. It's tax free income (up to the limit, which is £4k something).

In my last house my earnings from lodgers paid for my new kitchen and helped pay down my mortgage.

[Marynary]

I wouldn't appreciate a landlord expecting to know when I wasn't going to be there and I would be furious if anyone had gone into my room when I was away. If he is difficult to live with because of the smell then ask him to leave.

[missymayhemsmum]

Clearly this isn't working. If you are selling the house you need to have a chat with him about viewings, and the fact that he may need to find somewhere else at short notice. This arrangement obviously isn't working, and you need to get rid, but do you need to keep him there until the house sells? It doesn't sound like YABU, my lodger would tell me if she's going to be away, and I would make a point of telling her my plans so we can avoid both trying to do a big cooking and laundry sesh at the same time. YANBU to expect him to clean his room.

[HelenF350]

For those saying it is unreasonable that you should access the lodgers room, when letting to a lodger the landlord should always ensure in the agreement they have the right to enter the room. It prevents the lodger from gaining exclusive possession rights which makes them a tenant rather than a lodger (gives them many more rights especially in the case of eviction and the landlord many more responsibilities) they should never be allowed a lock on their door for the same reason. I never entered my lodgers rooms (I always had very good lodgers so never felt the need or had reason) without asking first but always ensured that I had the right to do so.

This tenant really does not sound suitable, I would ask them to leave.

[justbatteringon]

You know what you gotta do right... let the baby cry/ laugh / squeal, leave the washing in the machine, take her in for a steam, double bolt the door after 11 and put your ear plugs in.
He'll soon learn to txt you if he's coming home later and just flat out tell him he needs to clean his room more often because it smells bloody rotten.
This is your house you've gotta live there too.

[slipperssuperior]

Agree with other post about not going into his room. Pigsty or not, it is still an invasion of privacy.

I would insist though that he tells you if he is coming back or not. For no other reason that if there is a fire in the middle of the night, you would need to let the fire brigade know if there were others inside once you had got out. I would set a new rule that if he is not back by a certain time that you will double lock the door. If he does not like the new rule then tough, he can move out. What it boils down to is that it is your home too and agree with the other poster about letting your DC act like a normal child and be able to laugh when they want!

[JayTay]

Grrrrr it's chucking it down here at the moment and he's just come in, past my boots in the porch which I've just taken off when I've come in, past the "Since little fingers touch our floors please remove your shoes at the door" sign my mother gave me to make it really clear to him, past the basket containing my various house slippers, grippy socks and crocs for just nipping to the bins or car, past the mop that I've just used for a quick once over after lunch where pasta bits ended up on the floor and walked straight in, round the house and up to his room. Seriously who the fuck needs to be told to take their shoes off when they come in across a muddy garden from the rain, never mind when there's a baby in the house, I've obviously just mopped and you can see so many "no shoes" signs?? Clearly he's fucking special and the rules apply to everyone EXCEPT him! Sorry but just needed to vent. Arrogant wanker!! ????

[whois]

It's not working. Give him notice and end the angst.

[Floggingmolly]

Why would you not just say "Oi! Shoes off, you know what we agreed" instead of ignoring him ignoring your little sign?
Have you ever had it out with him, or do you just seethe in silence when he fails to do what you'd like him to?

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

How much notice do you need to give him? Get advertising for a new lodger with a moving in date after he's left.

I wouldn't mind lodging with a mum and baby, at least I'd now there wouldn't be a load of parties. I also wonder if a M-F lodger might be good. My bro did this while working away from home. He was hardly there as ate out after work, socialised with colleagues and basically just slept there. His bedding was washed over the weekend as part of the deal. He was allowed to keep some things in the room by agreement with the homeowner but knew she would pop in and clean it over the weekends. Suited him perfectly, he just and to strip the bed and make it again! On the plus side, he was a professional, happy to pay for the convenience and the homeowner had all weekend without him.

[scarlets]

I'd get a new lodger and set out your rules at the outset. People who are resentful about telling you when they go away, or who can't agree to keep their room clean, won't suit, so spend time finding a good match for your sake and theirs.

[RepeatAdNauseum]

Maybe he thinks its a twee little sign for visitors, and that as a resident, you'd have told him if he needed to obey the rules?

It's pretty strange to go to the trouble of buying a sign to make a rule clear to him, rather than just saying, please take your shoes off when you come in.

It's not working, though, is it? He probably finds you overbearing and intrusive, especially as you keep going in his room, and you find him irritating and smelly. Just end it.

[ShaynePunim]

YANBU. Kick him out.

[Athenaviolet]

Give him his weeks notice now!

If you are claiming tax credits there is no way hmrc will believe you aren't a couple. They will stop your money and claim back everything they've paid you! You could be prosecuted for fraud and have to go to court to defend yourself!

This is a completely unsuitable environment for a baby to be in. Did he know you had a young DC when he moved in? I'd be very suspicious as it wouldn't be the first time an ex offender has targeted a single mum to get access to a child. It is unlikely but he could have any history so you need to be cautious. It's not a risk you can put a price on.

[whois]

If you are claiming tax credits there is no way hmrc will believe you aren't a couple. They will stop your money and claim back everything they've paid you! You could be prosecuted for fraud and have to go to court to defend yourself!

That is simply not true.

I'm sure OP is declaring all her lodging income anyway so it will be all transparent.

If he was a peado athana, don't you think he might be a bit more, well, nice in order to gain access to the baby?

[Athenaviolet]

No, I've known 'lodger' cases and it's a nightmare trying to convince the dwp that you aren't a couple.

The 'saying one of you is a lodger' and even having 'rent' being paid as 'proof' is something couples do to try to evade the system so they treat cases like this suspiciously.

Why take the risk?

Also re: a child protection risk, in cases of grooming the perpetrator often spends years at a moderate distance 'grooming' the mother into a false sense of security. They aren't so stupid as to show interest in a child right away. Often it's a long term plan to have access to a child once they are at a 'desirable' age.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Speak to him ffs. Once you're reduced to communicating via notes and signs it's already over.

It is easy for people not to see silly decorative signs and evidence of others' behaviour. It's entirely normal for a lot of people to wander about wrapped up in their own thoughts and oblivious to their surroundings.

Speak to him! (Then give notice).

[JayTay]

I have said it to his face, a couple of times, and via WhatsApp, as well as other things, he just blatantly ignores me. Baby was little when he moved in and each step as things have changed I've told him, eg when we started weaning and the high hair has come out and plastic mat on the floor, freezing purées and batch cooking meals etc, and I spoke to him about having to baby proof when she started getting mobile, putting the stair gate up and padding sharp corners, then putting catches on doors that slam easily and drawers with dangerous chemicals or sharp things in... He's seen its all a progression and I told him she is learning to crawl, picking up any tiny bit on the floor and eating it, licking the sodding floor and putting her hands in her mouth... I even said it again last week after I'd sprayed weed killer on the path and he walked through it then straight into the house leaving wet weed killer footprints on the floor a foot away from where she was playing... He knows. He's just being an arrogant dick and blatantly ignoring me about it.

[babybat]

If he's such a dick, why haven't you given him notice? He's not going to get better. Stop fussing about with signs and text messages, and just tell him it's not working out and he has to go.

[kittycatz]

Kick him out. Give him notice and tell him to sling his hook by x date.
He sounds like my ex to be honest. He was lodging when we got together and his room was horrendous. Then when he moved in with me he was no better. I had stupidly thought the problem with his room was that he had too much stuff and not enough storage. No, he was just a slob.
No way you will be able to sell the house with him living there and stinking the place out. There is bound to be someone else looking for somewhere to live but you will need to do a lot of airing and cleaning before advertising as no one will rent a room when it still smells (and I can imagine the smell...). Maybe even give it a lick of paint to get rid of any residual smells

[GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt]

Oh he's dreadful. Fgs give him his marching orders.

[Marynary]

I agree that you should ask him to leave but I would ignore those posters who think that you set out "rules" for the next lodger.

Unless accommodation is in short supply where you live I don't think many people will be interested in renting a room somewhere where there are rules regarding keeping the room tidy, letting the landlord know if you are not coming home at night etc, A lot of people wouldn't want to live with someone else's baby full stop tbh.

[RattieofCatan]

Get rid of him. I'm a lodger, I would never treat somebody else home with so little respect! It sounds like you have my ex housemate/other lodger with you. He was an absolute dick.