To not wat to see my bf's dd because of this?

[Handywoman]

Been with the most wonderful man for 10months. I have 2dds, he has 1dd same age as my youngest (10yo).

I have bristled at the way he is with his dd. He indulges very plea for attention despite the behaviour, by which I mean if she throws a strop or gets a mood on he is in there immediately, trying to draw her out of it no matter how unreasonable she's being, and sometimes the moods are purely for attention. She'll do things such as decide in the middle of a game we are playing, to just stop and say she's bored and get in a huff. boyf then indulges and she has to be accommodated. On the day I met boyf's mum recently, his mum and I were in the middle of a conversation and his dd couldn't handle it and asked us to stop and talk to her instead

I'm very much made of different stuff as a parent. If my dds throw a strop or mood if things don't automatically got their way they will be ignored. Sometimes their behaviour will be humoured or not taken seriously. They understand that there is more to life than them. It's very different.

I stayed at boyf's house yeterday evening. She was downright rude, asking provocative questions in the way a spoilt 4yr old might. boyf dismissed as 'cabin fever' as she'd been in the house all afternoon(! he thinks she needs to be entertained the whole time). Well this morning she accused me of sitting in her seat (er what) which was another misguided plea for attention.

I'm afraid I made my excuses and left early. This kinda behaviour really makes me irate. From all kids. Even younger ones. It's just a thing I have

Boyf apologised, said he has had a big chat to her and we are going to chat face to face later. He got her to apologise on the phone but the poor child sounded confused about what she'd done.

My feeling is that she has not yet learned that the world doesn't revolve around her. And that she'll likely make misguided pleas for attention in future.

For this reason I want to tell boyf we are very different parents and I can't be around her very much any more.

I think it will really really upset him. And make our relationship feel unbalanced (because I'm a resident parent he has to spend time here more than vice versa).

AIBU?

[saturnvista]

No, that's not fair unless you accept that your children won't see your DP much either - anything else ends up ostracising his child which would be so cruel. You can't have a serious relationship with someone while avoiding their young child. They come with the package. Also, being a non-resident parent is different with different stresses. If I was your DP and read this thread, I would split because you don't sound as if you're in the relationship to give much.

[rumbleinthrjungle]

Is it really necessary to be that rude and unpleasant to an OP because she doesn't instantly fall in with the MN Pathologising of anything and everything as an SN? Sometimes children don't behave well, sometimes adults don't behave well, it's a human thing.

It would be a potential dealbreaker for me too OP. That's going to be a very tricky and long term one to accommodate.

[SoupDragon]

I think this could be a dealbreaker

What would you do if he said he didn't want to spend time with your children?

[Hissy]

I had a boyf with a child like this. It gets worse. She is being indulged by both parents no doubt.

This is a reason to bring the relationship to an end, it's not going to work out long term.

They way they live/raise her is their look out business, but the choices they make are incompatible with your family. You can't expect them to change, as they don't see the issue.

I'm sorry, but ending it is the only chance you have of any change being made.

Don't blame the girl, just cite incompatibility in general and better to deal with it sooner than later.

[DrankSangriaInThePark]

Please end this relationship now. For the sake of the poor child you hate so very much
And don't say you don't because it shines through your every word.
I expect your daughter is an angel descended from on high....

[Hissy]

My ex boyf's dc was super anxious, but the ex and his ex dw exacerbated it for their own psychological gains. You can't tell others how to parent their child.

I helps my exbf child overcome a few of his anxieties, but it was all undone somehow. They LIKED having the sympathy they got from others about having a high maintenance child. More than helping that child grow stronger and be more comfortable in life.

Back away op, you've done nothing wrong, but the resentment will grow, and your children will suffer too, seeing double standards allowed to play out.

[Jemimapuddlemuck]

Try thinking a bit more from her POV. You were talking to her grandma, sitting in her seat (yes it sounds petty but, well, she's 10 - and it's not really about the seat is is?), and of course you're spending time with her dad when she isn't there. It sounds like she's feeling quite jealous and insecure.

[vaticancameos]

Reminds me of my ex partner's daughter - my dd's dad. Similar behaviour that used to drive me a bit batty at times. Tried so hard to make it settled as possible but our families didn't blend well together mainly for a different reason.

She's in her teens now and recently tried to kill herself. Apparently something that came out was that she was just jealous that her dad was with me and she wasn't.

I've always felt very sorry for the way she bounced between families without a lot of care for how it was affecting her wellbeing.

I bet your bf dd is the same. She will need extra love and support and if you can't handle that you need to walk away.

[NotOneIota]

I agree that it's a deal breaker OP. I would struggle in your situation. I think that it's going to hurt the relationship..but YANBU.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

In my opinion if he placates, indulges and panders to her then he's not a good parent. This would colour my view of him as a person completely.

You have very, very different parenting-styles and this really bodes ill for the future. I'd be having a re-think about the relationship because this issue will rear its head even if the child isn't ever present.

[Wideopenspace]

OP, have you asked your boyfriend (of 10 months) what things are like with his daughter (who he's been with for 10 years) when you are not there?

I would imagine, given your very sensible attitude towards your own children's need for stability etc, that you and bf and her haven't actually been together that many times? I would think you had a period of time after you met where you didn't meet each others children, or at least not as partners?

She is 10. OF COURSE she will be extra demanding when this new women comes into HER daddy's life. Then meets HER grannny. 10 year old's, by nature, see things from their own perspective - you are a grown up, you have the ability to empathise.

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

She prob is a badly behaved Diva due to being over-indulged by both parents, made worse by the divorce.

They are not doing the poor child any favours. But quite the opposite.
Even if your DP understands that, he is probably afraid of losing her love if he disciplines her.

Maybe gently probe and get to know his feelings on the whole discipline thing? And work up to asking if he intends to do anything differently. Try explain (kindly) the impact to his DD. Keep calm and kind even if he gets defensive and don't get drawn in. Might take a few attempts.

If you are not happy with outcome I think you should breakup with him sooner rather than later.

Imagine this child sharing house with you and you DD, even for just a few hours on a regular basis, and behaving like that. Now throw teenage hormones into the mix...
Now imaging your DP letting her get away with everything infront of your DD and yourself. Imagine the resulting stress levels, arguments, impact of that stressful atmosphere on the whole household, but especially on your DD.

It is the adults indulging her are to blame, really you should feel very sorry for this little girl.

This little girl needs to be priority 1 with your DH. It will be second place for you and your DD. That is the way it is meant to be.
Same as your DD is your first priority.

[Aridane]

I agree it's a deal breaker - his child needs to come first and he should finish with you.

[SoleSource]

YANBU but be prepared to be dumped. She seems spoilt and I too would feel uncomfortable around a man who is scared to discipline a ten year old.

[MyIronLung]

I ended a relationship of 2 years with a lovely man because I couldn't stand being around his ds.
His ds was 10 when we got together and was a bit of a nightmare from the very beginning. He was incredibly rude to me, unpleasant to my then 1yr old ds and violent towards my then 15yr old dd. Things would be stolen from my house, (even after going round and hiding stuff before him coming round), ds would be hurt (nothing serious as such, the odd pinch that sort of thing, but still completely unacceptable) and my dss toys broken.

I finally had enough. I know on MN it's not acceptable to dislike a child but I really did come to despise that kid. It made no difference that I knew the reason he was the way he was was because his father made no effort to discipline him, rewarded bad behaviour with treats (I honestly think ex p was scared of upsetting him) and acted like all of the listed behaviour normal for a child (I disagreed!)

We both wanted to move in together but in the end the thought of never being able to get away from his Ds (exp was the resident parent), and never being able to leave my ds in the same room without wondering what he was going to do horrified me, so I ended the relationship. I didn't completely spell out the reason for ending things, after all, how on earth do you tell someone that you don't like their child but I did mention our differing parenting styles.

Fast forward about 10 months and exp is still contacting me. Asking me out, asking me to consider moving in together, telling me he'll pay for me to learn to drive and buy me a car (I'm a totally skint LP!) offering holidays to sunny climes (I've not had a holiday for about 15 yrs and would love one!) but the fact remains, I can't stand to be around that child. Things would never change and even though I know my life would be greatly improved (financially at least) i just can't do it. I'd rather be alone and poor for the rest of my life!
Last week I finally told exp exactly why I couldn't be with him and all he said was "ds is nearly a teen so he wouldn't be with us forever. Couldn't you put up with him for a few years?":-/ umm no, sorry.

So after that rather long post, op, YANBU!

[lunar1]

There isn't a way for this to end well. She is a product of her parenting. If his parenting doesn't change her behaviour will get worse and you will resent her more. If he suddenly behaves like a perfect parent his dd may blame you for the changes if she sees him copying the way you do things. More than likely she will really resent you for the change and that could cause some real conflict between you.

Walk away, it's a no win for you all you are just too different.

[Handywoman]

Thanks for the, er, more well balanced replies.

To those who are saying I hate this child or that she has ASD or ADHD, I am utterly laughing out loud!! Ditto to those who are assuming I'm about to move in with the boyf (already said that isn't happening). You guys do love a bun fight on here!!!!!!!!! Of course I'm the Wicked Stepmother!!! haha!!!

The incident with the chat to Granny and the chair were totally separate. It was given to paint a picture of a 10yo girl who hasn't been taught that other adults have a right to chat in her presence and take their attention off her for a mo. During a short conversation she was literally whining 'no, talk to meeeeeeee'.

Anyway so I had a chat to the boyf. He was receptive and respectful and was happy to hear my analysis of the situation. He admitted he isn't very good at dealing with these sorts of incidents. Don't mean it's solved, obviously. And obviously this girls needs come first. Same as my dc.

She's an anxious child, over indulged by both parents. I'll just continue to be honest, and if it isn't going to work then I'll know. Obviously this dd's emotional wellbeing cannot be a casualty of our relationship. I really do like this kid, she's great. She just needs someone to face her off at times. It may just be that it won't work longterm.

[LashesandLipstick]

Handywoman no one has said that. I don't know why you even posted this, you just wanted reassurance that your authoritarian parenting style would be better for a clearly anxious child instead of kindness and understanding

[Handywoman]

Bollocks, Lashes

My parenting style is not authoriarian - couldn't be further from the truth. In any case I'm not saying my style is 'better'. Obviously it's different. But I do think a 10yo should really have learned by now that the world doesn't revolve around them. Being constantly indulged by your parents feeds into that and feeds into the anxiety IMO and so it won't get better until her parents back off from her a little.

I posted to see if this is the kind of thing others had experienced. And they have.

[LashesandLipstick]

Handy,

It's coming over that way. Kids develop differently, I don't think ignoring an anxious child would help!

[RandomMess]

Is he being a Disney Dad or do they effectively co-parent together???

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Is it coming over that way lash

It's not to me.

I'm reading a thread where someone's boyfriend is actually not parenting his child not allowing her to form normal social boundaries and a situation that could be viewed as neglectful.

I'm getting the impression the op is concerned fir the child not that she dislikes her or that she's an authoritarian

[Handywoman]

He's a great parent. And a proper parent. A millions times more the parent than my ex who just can't be arsed.

But it's quite intense. His focus is always on her all the time, quite helicoptery. Doesn't leave her to do her thing. I think he was always that way even before the split. My guess is that he and his ex just focused on her as the relationship wasn't good.

[LashesandLipstick]

Needs, perhaps I'm biased as my own experiences meant other parents often thought I was being "naughty" when I wasn't, I had a genuine issue that wasn't picked up.

Handy if he doesn't let her have her own time that's s bit stifling, and I can understand that