AIBU to challenge a colleague for awful behaviour towards pregnant woman outside of work

[QuinoaLenghi]

This morning I watched a heavily pregnant woman on the Tube stand for three stops before saying to the man in the priority seat that she felt dizzy and needed the seat.

The man said no. He aggressively stated that he didn't feel "great" either and that he didn't have to give her a seat. She pointed at the priority sign above his head and he snapped that if she couldn't cope with the commute she shouldn't get on the train. At that point two others offered the lady a seat. One told him he quietly that he should be ashamed. He stuck his finger up and sort of snarled then buried his face in his paper.

I know the man. He works in my office. He is a known twat. I am in his management chain but don't directly manage him. He didn't see me in the train.

Would it be unreasonable to challenge him at work? I suspect it would be especially as I am in his management chain but I really want him to get some comeuppance.

[QuinoaLenghi]

For those not familiar with the Tube, if you are able bodied and in the priority seat it's customary to be ready to vacate it for those less able to stand.

I don't know whether he has health issues but his job is quite physical and he's in work so I doubt he's ill.

[Flossyfloof]

It would be incredibly unprofessional for the op to be repeating this anecdote, especially with a view to "getting him".
As a member of management you should be discouraging gossip not starting it.

[TwinkieTwinkle]

What flossy said.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

It may have been a probity seat but there were other seats which still would have been better than no seat at all. everyone was at fault. not just the man.

[QuinoaLenghi]

I won't gossip although I do like the idea of saying "I heard you say you were ill on the Tube this morning. Are you sure you are OK to work." I think I will do that so he knows I saw.

I wish I could talk to him formally but I agree I can't. I'm just so angry that people like him get away with being shits.

[herethereandeverywhere]

I'd just tell everyone in the office what I witnessed - but also pass on the information about the 'not feeling great' so if you get pulled up on it you were sharing the information out of sympathy...

I witnessed a business man kicking a woman as she went through the barriers recently (he was frustrated that she had her suitcase so close behind apparently ). I sidled up to him and said clearly in his ear 'I just saw you kick a woman. I hope you are ashamed of yourself. Every time someone does something to a family member that you don't like I hope you remember this' and walked away. I'd like to think I gave him food for thought.

[QuinoaLenghi]

Giles - we will agree to disagree. I remain of the view he was at far greater fault due to being in the priority seat, definitely noticing her when others may not have due to crowds, and being aggressive.

[Andrewofgg]

Don't share it - if he hears you have done so and denies it you have no proof and in most businesses spreading harmful lies (which is what he would say it was and he might be believed) about colleagues does you no good. It's a pity you didn't say Hello, Charlie, I did not know you travelled this route, looking forward to a day in our lovely office but hindsight is 20-20!

As he was in the priority seat it was his obligation to stand up once he noticed the pregnant woman unless there was some reason for it. I was brought up with springs in my hips which operate when a pg woman is standing on my train, but last year I had a fall and damaged my knee and for some weeks could not stand for long. I got angry looks from a pg woman one evening - I just hope that when I got off she saw my limping and did not think I was shamming!

[Chewbecca]

Although he reacted like an idiot, I would be slightly concerned that he too was ill in some way (though feeling he had to come to work - is he a contractor who won't be paid unless he shows up, thus motivated to come in even when sick?) therefore would be v wary of challenging. Obvs the pregnant woman had an obvious issue but he may have had some more hidden problem. There's more than one priority seat, was the other already occupied by a clearly needy person?

[Gileswithachainsaw]

I havent said he wasnt at fault.

but she had no seat. so surely any seat is better than no seat and that seat could well have been occupied by someone who needed it on another day. so a stand off over one seat whilst letting others off the hook for their poor manners seems a bit counter productive that's all. He may have been feeling unwell. He may not who knows.

[Andrewofgg]

Giles He may have been at death's door but he did not have to be offensive.

[Theycallmemellowjello]

Actually, I think that given that the man explained immediately that he was not feeling "great" it's quite likely he was feeling ill? In which case I don't think he needed to give up his seat and it was right that other passengers did so. He might be horrible and have been rude, but I actually think it's ok to sit on the tube if you're ill/in pain.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

And I already said andrew that he was rude.

[Jackiebrambles]

What an arse!

I agree with a pp that said you could ask him if he's feeling better so he knows you know!

It's a shame, people can be really selfish, I have often seen people studiously ignoring the pregnant person (or person with broken limb!) , and have also experienced it myself.

[AcademicOwl]

op despite the temptation, resist the urge to gossip about this at work. You've shared it here, and most of us get why this is so offensive. You don't want to stoop to anyone's level; it won't make you feel better.

I've had to politely ask ppl to give me a seat on trains & tubes. Only ever hit a problem on a commuter train with an angry man who showed no sign of need for a priority seat and was just very angry that I asked. Someone else offered me their seat instead, which was v kind and removed me from the stress of uprooting angry man.

To be fair, he could have needed the seat; but he could have just explained with a smile. There's no need for aggression...

[Gileswithachainsaw]

And not being funny nut surely priority seats are the one seat you don't go trying to turf people out of?

you can't know if they need it or not. shame.on all those who are mis using them. but you can't go asking everyone to.prove they need the seat and assuming that they don't just be case they haven't got sticks or a limb hanging off.

there are never going to be enough priority seats for those who need them.

I'd be annoyed at the man's verbal rudeness of course. but all those who failed to shift their healthy arses are bloody rude too. and if your healthy and on a train in a seat and it's filling up don't you look and keep an eye out in case someone needs a seat? I always do.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

in fact on really busy buses and trains I don't even attempt to sit at all. be case I k ow I'm. healthy and I cab stand and id rather a child or sick or pregnant or whatever person sat.

[MixedMessages]

I would approach him today and very calmly say "I was in the same tube carriage as you this morning and heard you telling a pregnant woman that you were unwell. Are you feel better?"

And then say nothing more

[Gileswithachainsaw]

I disagree with those sating to make comments about feeling better.

yeah he's a known twat.
yeah he was rude and nasty.

but no op knows nothing about him. or what he is isn't suffering from, or what he's going through in his life.

If he's that much if a dick he will pay for that in having no friends or being single cos he's a dick.

but unless your sure it's just him.being a dick then your as bad as he is with your passive aggressive comments

[sarascompact]

It's not a workplace issue so YABU. It's immaterial that he's known to you unless of course it's in your nature to be just as direct with, for example, a neighbour or your local postwoman when witnessing the same behaviour.

If you wanted to call your colleague on it you really needed to do it there and then. If you still do then speak to him directly outside of the workplace. The most you could reasonably and professionally do within it is to ask if he's ok as MixedMessages suggested.

If you do you need to bear in mind that it's just possible he wasn't ok and while his reply to the woman passenger was rude and unnecessary in tone he may have had good reason to retain his seat. There have been scores of posts on MN about hidden illnesses and the need to sit arising from them, together with comments about how embarrassing/distressing/offensive it is to feel obliged to justify sitting on a public transport seat to the exclusion of another passenger. When those come from women on here they're normally met with understanding.

[Pumpkinpositive]

He does sound like a cunt.

However...

He was in the priority seat which is specifically for pregnant, ill and elderly people

Did he not identify himself as feeling "not great"? Depending on your levels of under/over statement, "not great" can cover anything from "a wee bit peaky" to "my leg is about to fall off". Some people would say they are "not great" when they are well nigh dying.

This bloke identified himself as experiencing some degree of under-the-weatherness. You state priority seats are for those who are ill.

So why wasn't he entitled to sit there just as much as the pregnant lady?

[Bishopston]

No I wouldn't do anything in this situation and let Karma take it's course.

[HarpyFishwifeTwat]

He's a twat, and I do like the idea of asking if he's ok to be at work just to let him know that his behaviour was spotted.

But the priority seats are not ONLY for ill, pregnant and elderly people so why wouldn't people sit in them until/unless someone from the priority groups came on?

There are also lots of hidden reasons that people may need a seat so it's unfair to assume that a person who looks ok is unfairly taking up a seat.

[OfaFrenchMind]

I think that asking him if he felt better is actually the best way of dealing with him. And if he is effectively a wanker at work, not supporting him if he wants to go ahead is acceptable.

But tbh, in my very petty fantasy world, he would have been filmed making an ass of himself and put on Youtube. Or you can let it slip at the next drunken Christmas Party and mock him overtly. But this is a petty fantasy world, not an appropriate real world. (shame through)

[Corygal]

A-hole of the worst order. Could you tell his manager of the incident on the grounds of 'concern as he may be ill and not telling the company'?

Otherwise shut up, managers don't gossip.