to cry hysterically at soft play

[maxxytoe]

It is my sons first birthday
I am so emotional that I'm crying hysterically in the toilets
I don't want him to grow up
Is this normal ?!
The other parents think I'm losing the plot !

[JustHavinABreak]

You poor darling. Just sent you a PM rather than share something personal here but sending you lots of hugs too

[chickenfuckingpox]

every single one of my childrens first birthdays have been ruined all three of them dd her dad disappeared for hours (four hours actually) came back and got pissed at the party humiliated me in front of my family (we split before her second birthday) ds1 nanny decided she was buying him a cake (im gluten intolerant and couldn't eat my own sons birthday cake) she then proceeded to criticize our house the lack of heat (she kept her coat on) the area we lived in his "lack" of gifts (seriously he had tons) how poor it was he was being raised so far away (10 miles) from his nanny who loved him soooooo much (who had only visited once in six months) caused a family ruckus and we didnt see her for another six ds2 popped over to his great nanny's on his first birthday his granddad showed up obviously forgot it was his grandsons birthday and his actual name he then caused an argument with his brother and had a punch up in-front of the boys and H ended up removing him from the house and hitting him they all spent half the night at the police station granddad ended up with an adult caution and has never seen the grandchildren since but he and his wife have caused no end of havoc since then to the point where i might have to move house to end the harassment

enjoy your day!!!

[DoJo]

I second going to playgroups to help you get a bit of structure into your day and prevent you from dwelling on your emotions and memories. Even if you only talk to the play leader, you can have a nice chat with someone who can answer back (and who is guaranteed to tell you how adorable your son is!). It really can be a lifesaver if you are otherwise on your own.

[GloGirl]

Good God woman, go to groups, mingle, find some Mummy friends, book playdates and realise you are not alone

Just the two of you every day is very lonely.

I sobbed like a baby on my son's first birthday because I missed my baby. But you did it! You survived the first year and you are brilliant

[FriendofBill]

Get thee to playgroups!
I found sure start ones were good as they had specific activities on.
Use your local groups.
And keep going back.
Even if you get a name as 'the quiet one' keep going!

[CloserToFiftyThanTwenty]

Soft play is enough to drive many of us to tears, granted...

[NotCitrus]

The first year was so much the hardest. I cried rather a lot at ds's first birthday, and dd's, but they got so much more interesting and rewarding after that.

Congratulations on getting you and your baby through a whole year, and look forward to being able to communicate with them and do so many exciting things.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

PND is horrible - I had it three times (secondary to clinical depression) - but it does lift.

According to a researcher in this area - Dr Katherina Dalton - who I heard speak, keeping your blood sugar at a sensible level and not letting it dip can help - so small, starchy, carb snacks through the day - soon after getting up, and at least 3-hourly, and no more than an hour before bed. Not lots of extra calories - spread out your normal carbs through the day.

And remember, you have got so many wonderful things to look forward to, as your son grows up. So much happiness to come, and so many wonderful memories to make.

{{{hugs}}}

[maxxytoe]

Thank you everyone
I literally have zero friends so everyone's kind messages and advice is really helpful
I reckon that could be part of it too as it's just me and my baby all day everyday until my partner gets home

[FriendofBill]

Well, congratulations on your baby's first year!

The past is a great place to learn from (but a terrible place to live)

PND is horrendous, single parenting can be laborious, but you are still here! Celebrating your baby's birth and doing the right thing.

Big sisterly hugs to you.

[MsJuniper]

I found DS's first birthday very emotional and had several silly rows with people in the week running up to it. Realised that it wasn't his birthday I was finding difficult, but the anniversary of his birth which brought up a lot of issues.

I really struggled to keep it together during his birthday party so I do sympathise.

[BackforGood]

No. That's not really usual.
Try to enjoy the rest of the day and pat yourself on the back at the wonderful job you've done so far, but then, later in the week, go back to your HV or GP (whoever is more approachable) and tell them you are breaking down like this so regularly. See what they can suggest.

[Alibabsandthe40Musketeers]

Ineed yes I did that with the clothes, more than once

OP you've had a tough year, be kind to yourself. I had a bad birth and PND with DS1, and I found his first birthday hugely emotional, much more so than I had expected.

[ZombiePiglet]

I think I've cried at every birthday so far (number 4 soon, I'll be in floods) but usually in bed at night. I thought it was vaguely normal but maybe I'm deranged.

[Atenco]

Don't cry OP. Every day of your child's life is precious. My dgd is coming up to two and so much fun to spend time with and I am looking forward to the age between two and three because that, to my mind is a magical age.

[Ineedacleaningfairy]

At least you are having a party, my son had his first ever tummy bug on his first birthday and I sat on the sofa (with him asleep on me) and cried for most of the day... But I'm a cryer so it was normal for me.

I also cried whenever he went up a clothes size and I had to put the outgrown clothes away

Happy birthday to your little guy :) and for you :)

[nottheOP]

I felt emotional at the first birthday. It was a tough first year, as most find it difficult but by 1 I really felt the love for my ds and that we were into toddler hood, enjoying life together. At the time it was called the other side of the rainbow.

Try to look forward and embrace your present rather than regretting the past. You did your best and provided you have a happy toddler now, it was enough. Not tv advert perfect, but enough.

[seaoflove]

Oh bless you!

For what it's worth, I found my DD's first birthday to be a kind of milestone after which I started putting the traumatic birth and early days and PND behind me. I understand that feeling of wanting to go back in time and do it better, though.

[Teladi]

I also had a bad birth and found DD's babyhood difficult. I was a bit like this on my DD's first birthday and still find her birthdays to be quite emotional (she is coming up for 4 now). You are doing a wonderful job as his mother, and his birth is now part of the past. For me, I found I could move on a bit once she had had her birthday!

[ItsTricky]

Yanbu to be emotional . I hope you're feeling better now and can enjoy the rest of his party. Have you got someone to give you a hug? Failing that go and get yourself a huge slice of cake

[WorraLiberty]

Dry your eyes and go back to your son when you're ready

He'll only get one first Birthday, so don't waste it in the toilets.

[maxxytoe]

Everything healed great , got a lovely scar
Did go and see a therapist for about 6 sessions , it just seems to rear its ugly head every couple of weeks and I break down again !

[Shakey1500]

I had a terrible birth as well. It bloody sucks. Are you physically healed?

[DoJo]

Cross posted - I would tend to agree that maybe your PND is not completely departed, but I do think you need to give yourself a break! Focus on the positives - soon your little boy will be able to tell you what is going on in his head, and share his secrets with you. He will love you more and more, and you him, and although he may seem like he is growing up fast, you have so much to look forward to!