To think this cat sitting is a bit much to ask

[Italiawithflair]

Ndn is going on holiday in June. We have previously cat sat for her which only involved going over 1x per day to check that the food machine had dispensed of the cat's dry food. This was no bother and I happily did this for the two weeks she was away.

So ndn came over a couple of days ago and asked if I could cat sit again as she was going away on holiday this week. I thought this was rather short notice (4 days before she goes away) but said yes immediately as I like to help out.

Yesterday she came to tell me that the cat now only eats wet food and that I will have to go over twice a day, morning and evening to actually give the cat food rather than just checking that there is food I the bowl. This involved washing the cat bowl and opening the can with yucky content and Will take much longer than what I thought I signed up for. I am a bit miffed that this is more committed net than what I had in mind.

Is she bu to expect this sort of service without flagging it before and without telling me what's involved?

I will do it this time but please tell me how to decline politely in the future.

[pictish]

Well this is clearly not about opening a sodding tin because despite your protestations about how disruptive and time consuming opening a tin in the house next door will be, we all know it's easy beans.

I think you don't like your neighbour.

[TulipsAndSwifts]

Could you bring the cat to your home for the two weeks? They like to be played with and fussed over. Poor cat.

[NameChange30]

Argh lost a bit of the quote in my post above, should have been:

"I know I find saying no very difficult so I feel I have no choice. She comes across as demanding, but I a am push over too so of course I am annoyed with myself for not asking more questions and being more assertive."

That's the crux of it OP. You just need to learn to be more assertive

Your first task: warn your neighbour that you won't be able to feed the cats next time.

Channel your annoyance into determination to do that

[cosytoaster]

OP - I have cats and plan well in advance if I'm going away, if it's more than a long weekend they go to a cattery. I think you've had some unfairly harsh comments on here. Tell your neighbour you don't like dealing with wet cat food and will only do it this time if they leave pouches and paper plates. Emphasize the words this time.

[Italiawithflair]

Thank you serious. Though I don't mind all the other responses either, this is Aibu and I wanted to hear about other perspectives.


This is an issue because of the context. I have cat sat for her before, watered her flowers,helped her with errands etc. I a always pleasant to her and the one time I asked I she could look after dc1 for half (!) and hour as I had to pop to the doctors she was not particularly enthused. I guess I feel there is an imbalance in who helps whom. She is not forthcoming or generous with her time but I have been, more than. No I'm cross. And fed up.

[oddfodd]

I wouldn't dream of asking my neighbours to look after my cats for me. It's a commitment, of course it is.

I pay someone to do it

[SoupDragon]

I can't believe you think opening a can is too much. I assumed it would involve multiple cats with complex medical needs!

[pictish]

Righto - well that makes much more sense. It's understandable that you should feel a bit used. I'd be miffed if the favours only went one way too.

[NameChange30]

"the one time I asked I she could look after dc1 for half (!) and hour as I had to pop to the doctors she was not particularly enthused"

Did she do it or not?

If it's unbalanced just stop helping her. End of.

[ConcreteElephant]

I really think you are giving this too much head room. It's popping next door, morning and evening, for 5 minutes, to feed a cat.
Was your neighbour really put out when you said you might not be available everyday? Because that would be an unrealistic expectation on her part, that you'd be wholly available, especially at 4 days notice.
You're making this a bigger deal than it is, just say no next time.

[Italiawithflair]

Yes she did. But I got the "this inconvenient" vibes.

[AuditAngel]

When we are away my mum usually stays to mind the 2 dogs and the cat. (At the moment she has been living with us since my dad died in January)

On the odd occasion thus can't be done, my friend's husband loves to help as as she can't bear pets. He drives about 15 minutes out of his way going to or from work to do it.

[silverstreak]

OK I have an idea for saying No next time (as most people seem to've missed that that was one of your main points) - as you have a toddler and a baby you could say that with checking on food once a day it was possible to carry one or both (or leave baby napping) and stick your head round the door, but with the new system you're having to take both and (& this will only work if she's even slightly house proud/doesn't live in a cesspit!) actually put them down (let them run loose!), and there has been some near misses with toddler juggling valuables/poking crap in DVD player/ tormenting cat - whatever you feel will horrify her sufficiently to seek alternative catcare next time? Might work!

[Italiawithflair]

"Just say no next time"see I am worried about doing this as I have freely agreed to help before. Not sure why.

[pictish]

Just go in once OP. Put out a double portion.

Most people feeding a friend's or a neighbour's cat wehile they are away go in once.

[ConcreteElephant]

Ok, so I'd be miffed if the arrangement wasn't reciprocated in some way when I needed a hand.

Our cat sitter was a neighbour and we repaid in kind with babysitting. Worked well for 12 years :) then we moved and now we use the cattery.

I'd be less inclined to help if it was all take-take. But still it's just feeding a cat.

[Bakeoffcake]

You're getting some rather daft replies here.

Of course she shouldn't just assume you're free for 20 mins a day, without much notice. I'd tell her you can't commit to twice a day, she can either get someone else, or let you go in once a day.

I cat sit for ndn's cat. It has a mixture of soft food plus a big bowl of dried food. So it takes a couple of minutes to do once a day. I hate, yes hate, the soft food, it makes me heave, so I can totally understand why you don't want to do it twice a day.

She's taking the cat piss.

[conquistador]

Do people really leave their cat for 2 weeks with someone only popping in to feed them once or twice a day. Seems a bit cruel to me! What if the cat becomes injured and there is nobody there to notice?

[ConcreteElephant]

Finding a reason to say no is tricky as on the surface it's not a big thing to ask.
As much as statements like 'that's not going to work for me' are recommended as an answer in these situations, I'd find it very hard actually saying it to a neighbour with whom I'd like to stay on friendly terms!

[NameChange30]

"Just say no next time"see I am worried about doing this as I have freely agreed to help before. Not sure why.

OP, think about it. Just because you have sex with someone once, doesn't mean you have to have sex with someone every time they want sex in future, does it?! Completely different scenario, obviously (!) but the same principle applies.

It will be hard to break the habit of saying yes all that time, but you have to start somewhere. And saying no will probably a) be easier than you think and b) feel brilliant!

Remember, you don't need an excuse: no is a full sentence! But if it makes it easier you could could plan what you're going to say. eg "It wasn't convenient last time so I would prefer not to feed the cat next time" or "I can't feed the cats, sorry."

[soundedbetterinmyhead]

I think you may be overthinking this OP. Your neighbour did look after your DC, but you got 'inconvenient' vibes. She presumably didn't say "Yes, but this is inconvenient" probably because she wanted to help you out. Does she have DCs of her own? I only ask because before I had mine, being asked to look after someone else's would have freaked me out.

I look after my neighbour's batch of critters when they go away because I like my neighbour and they are tolerant of my teenage children who are not always very quiet.

Your neighbour may well have had a plan B but she never had to use it because you agreed, so you don't know that she was badly organised or assuming that you would do it.

You've asked for ways to turn them down, so what about "Thank you for trusting me enough to do it, but I really struggled to find the time over the last 2 weeks. I hope you're able to find someone else for next time because I won't be able to look after the cat."

Be prepared for a "no" when you next ask for a favour though...

[QuietTiger]

I feel qualified to comment here, as I have a complicated menagerie which causes problems when I go away (14 cats, 4 dogs, 3 horses, chickens, numerous farm animals)

Pictish has suggested a good solution - put out a double portion once a day and check/change water. (Make sure you let your neighbour know). I would suggest evening, because the wet food is then likely to be less spoiled by flies. If NDN is fretty about Cat not having enough food, ask her to leave dried food out too.

When neighbour gets home from holiday and to pre-empt the next time when NDN asks, tell her that you are concerned about and don't like the responsibility and find it stressful looking after the cat because of the commitment it involves. Suggest she uses a good cattery or a professional petsitter next time because you can't do it any more.

I don't worry about feeding the neighbours cat, I enjoy it and don't mind, but will agree it is a pain in the arse commitment when you have a busy life, don't normally do it and "it's one more thing to remember". I recall 11.30pm one night when I'd just gone to bed, remembering I hadn't fed the neighbours cat and so getting up and going to feed it. YANBU to not want to do it.

[Italiawithflair]

"Our cat sitter was a neighbour and we repaid in kind with babysitting. Worked well for 12 years then we moved and now we use the cattery."

I would love an informal arrangement like this.

Yes, this relationship is one sided where she takes and I give. I do this freely and I am the same with most people I know and like. Sometimes, not always it gets to a point where I am being taken for granted. This is happening here.

It's true it's not so much about the cat or the food. It's about ndn being not being terribly helpful in return or even appreciative of any favours - she seemed to be a tad self-centred.

[TheRealMaryMillington]

Just tell her what you can and can't do. If there are some evenings you can't manage tell her and she can find a sub.

Stinky cat food is one of the reasons why we don't have a cat. It's gross, I am with you. But I would (and have) looked after cats for friends and neighbours.

What goes around etc. Be kind, do it with good grace, it costs nothing but a tiny bit of time. Or don't do it, and tell her why. But whatever you do don't do it whilst feeling aggrieved and moany and irritable. Because life is too bloody short to feel grumpy about helping out a neighbour.

[Italiawithflair]

"so what about "Thank you for trusting me enough to do it, but I really struggled to find the time over the last 2 weeks. I hope you're able to find someone else for next time because I won't be able to look after the cat."
That sounds nice.

I am not worried about her not doing me any favours as I don't feel comfortable at all asking her.