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AIBU?

to think that if possible evrything should be shared 50/50 during a divorce

99 replies

bladibla · 28/05/2015 19:15

Hi I am divorcing and I have not yet resolved the finances of the divorce. I was surprised that I did not get 50% of the childcare. I can only put it down to ExH living in our house and court favouring children staying in their original environment.
I currently struggle to pay my rent and this may have an impact on me seeing the children which would break my heart. I would like to get my share of the house so I can be in a stable position.
Dcs are complaining that they do not get days out to family attractions with me as they do with dad. I really can not compete.
Maybe I should also ask for 50% of his retirement, compensation for half of the content of the house and a share proportional to the amount of time I have the DCs from the child tax credit.
I was a stay at home mum for 10 year, so I have no retirement.
I cannot afford anything and I dread the day my car or washing machine will pack up as I really could not replace it.

OP posts:

Report

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 29/05/2015 10:32

Charis, you crazy. Seriously, you're off the wall bonkers. There just arent the words for whats wrong with that post!

ChickenLaVidaLoca · 29/05/2015 10:35

MissBattleaxe, I did say it should be recognised that she did the childcare for 10 years, but that is a very long time to be a SAHM so she will have had personal benefits to that as well.

How does that follow? She could've hated every second of it, for all we know. I can't see how the length of time spent makes any difference to the level of personal benefits or otherwise.

PtolemysNeedle · 29/05/2015 10:40

If she hated every second of it she could have changed it. The fact that she stuck out that particular hardship for ten years suggests that she quite enjoyed it, or it was at least something that she wanted to do. We have no idea if her husband preferred her to be a SAHM or if he would have preferred her to work so that the financial responsibility wasn't his alone, so he should not automatically be responsible for compensating her for looking after her own children.

Bilberry · 29/05/2015 10:40

sparechange I am a SAHM, I would now like not to be. Dh works all hours - it would be a rare day when he could have picked up or drop off dc from childcare. I am now looking at getting back to work but my options are limited by me having to work round childcare and the cost of that. My dh also doesn't want to have to pick up domestic responsibilities. It would have hugely affected his career if he had had to share childcare runs, time off each week to take ds to his medical/therapy appointments etc. As a team and taking into account what we want for our dc we both agreed me being a SAHM was the best option. If we did split, I don't think it is unreasonable to expect compensation for me having to give up my career.

You might like to have spent the last 10 years with your kids but you can't deny that you paid someone else to do it as a job.

Bilberry · 29/05/2015 10:43

ptolemy surely you mean their children.

PtolemysNeedle · 29/05/2015 10:45

So should your DH get compensation for supporting you for those years bilbury?

I just don't see how that works. In a marriage with children, each adult has a responsibility to pay for their own housing needs, 50% of their children's needs and providing 50% of the childcare. If parents choose to arrange things differently then that's all well and good, but caring for the children isn't a bigger contribution than providing the money for the children, the contributions are equal, so I can't see why there is compensation due either way.

SoupDragon · 29/05/2015 10:45

Charis, are you really as stupid as you sound?

Do you think a nanny is having a holiday whilst looking after a child? Why is it only a holiday when you are the child's mother.

No, working parents are not raising their children full time, they outsource part of that responsibility to a nursery, childminder or nanny whilst they go to another job. Nothing wrong with that at all but whilst the child is in childcare, a working parent isn't raising that child.

If the Op had not stayed home, there would have been a large childcare bill to pay. That is her financial contribution.

Personally I think you enjoy being a goady fucker, given the guff you seem to post.

sparechange · 29/05/2015 10:49

Bilberry
I hope you find the job you want.
But your situation is not universal, and the OP can't automatically assume that the DH's career blossomed as a result of her being at home. I know a couple of SAHM who forbid their husband's from taking promotions which would mean they travel more, because they say that they are alone with the children all day so their DH should be at home with them in the evenings. If they were to split up, it would be deeply unfair for anyone to assume they've supported a career by being at home. For them, it is purely a lifestyle choice because they didn't particularly like working, and they didn't leave behind any sort of career.

Like I said, you only ever hear 'SAHM support working DHs career development' trotted out on threads about relationship breakdowns and divorce settlements. You never, ever hear that line used when a SAHM is complaining about her working DH travelling too much for work, or not pulling his weight at home.

Charis1 · 29/05/2015 10:51

Do you think a nanny is having a holiday whilst looking after a child? Why is it only a holiday when you are the child's mother.

A nanny is a SERVANT - there is no comparison.

Working mothers do everything that stay at home mothers do, AND WORK!

SoupDragon · 29/05/2015 10:51

This woman had 10 years off work, paid for by her husband

This man has had 10 years of childcare, paid for by his wife.

AuntyMag10 · 29/05/2015 10:52

Completely agree sparechange. It's also assumed on here that the man built up some successful high flying career, most people work because they have to. Also many people actually want to be the sahm out of choice and prefer to not be the working one.

SoupDragon · 29/05/2015 10:53

A nanny is a SERVANT - there is no comparison.

Holy crap, you sound nasty.

Working mothers do everything that stay at home mothers do, AND WORK!

How do they feed and look after a child whilst they are at work then?

Charis1 · 29/05/2015 10:54

This man has had 10 years of childcare, paid for by his wife

that is just silly, he supported her lifestyle choice, presumable while the children were at school or nursery for a fair proportion of the time anyway.

bladibla · 29/05/2015 10:54

Charis, believe me it was not a holiday.
I wonder how much you have ever been involved in your own care, let alone a baby or narcissist toddler. Beside going to work ExH was doing f all. I was the one up at night. Not allowed to do online grocery shopping for my bad back because it was lazy or have a cleaner or handyman fix anything in disrepair. Sadly if I had had a part time or full time job, I still would have had to do it all after work. this is what some men consider to be the woman's role. Now I cope with everything better not having to drop everything for cuppa or you know what on demand.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 29/05/2015 10:55

A SAHM does everything a nanny does and does it free of charge.

Charis1 · 29/05/2015 10:55

Holy crap, you sound nasty why?

How many yeas of your life have you spent as a nanny soupdragon?

Charis1 · 29/05/2015 10:58

A SAHM does everything a nanny does and does it free of charge

There is absolutly no comparison. A nanny does exactly what she is told, when she is told, that is not a holiday.

A day/ week/ month free at home with my children is a holiday, and always has been, ( Even if the reason for it is recovering from a serious operation.)

I've spent many years nannying in several different countries. Being a servant in some one else's home is not comparable in any way with being free in your own home.

SoupDragon · 29/05/2015 10:58

Calling a nanny a servant? Really? Pretty nasty in my book. I'm not surprised though.

ChasedByBees · 29/05/2015 10:59

I'm going to ignore Charis' opinion because it's just too ridiculous.

OP - you need urgent legal advice, has everything been finalised?

SoupDragon · 29/05/2015 10:59

I refuse to engage with your deliberate goadiness any more though. You can wallow in your pit of bitchiness.

PtolemysNeedle · 29/05/2015 10:59

A SAHM does not do everything free of charge, she does it in return for herself and her 50% of the financial responsibility for the children being paid for.

sparechange · 29/05/2015 11:00

Not allowed to do online grocery shopping for my bad back because it was lazy

Ok, so the bigger issue is that this was clearly an abusive relationship. It sounds perhaps like after years of controlling you within the marraige, your exDH is now using money and access to your children to control you some more.

As others have said, if you havent already, you need to seek legal advice from an experienced family solicitor, who can help clarify you position and what you are entitled to.

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bladibla · 29/05/2015 11:00

I think Charis lives in Dubai or in a place where women are subserviants

OP posts:

Charis1 · 29/05/2015 11:02

I wonder how much you have ever been involved in your own care

Meaning what? exactly?

let alone a baby or narcissist toddler. Beside going to work ExH was doing f all. I was the one up at night. Not allowed to do online grocery shopping for my bad back because it was lazy or have a cleaner or handyman fix anything in disrepair.

I don't want to have a go at you because you are having a hard time right now, but nothing in that is any different to working mums. I do all the nights, I can't afford a handiman, I can't have groceries delivered. But I am working aswell!

Charis1 · 29/05/2015 11:03

Calling a nanny a servant? Really? Pretty nasty in my book. I'm not surprised though

It is what it is , soup dragon, you have clearly never been a nanny.

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