AIBU to think that DH will just have to manage

[HarryLimeFoxtrot]

I'm away at a conference next week. This was planned a long time ago - DH has known about it since September 2014.

It seems to have finally dawned on him that he will have to juggle the DC and the ever-changing school sports events. Usually I handle this side of things as I have a shorter commute. I know it is a PITA (different every week), but it is a consequence of having sporty DC (private school - they are expected to attend if picked for the team).

He's spent the evening saying things like: 'but what time does rounders finish' (A: look at the information sheet - every match is different as it depends where they are travelling to/from). 'Does DS have to attend the event even if everyone else is available?' (DS is the reserve - I know no more than he does).

WIBU to just detach and let him deal with it?

[UniS]

Well I'm away right now. Tonights phone call home ( to say goodnight to child and chat to dh) suggested that the pair if them had survived , dh had made decision about child's fitness to do evening sport . He also wanted to check if i had menu planned this week or if there was simply "food in the house".
Neither of us had remembered till the phone call that child needs a packed lunch tomorrow and that piano teacher needed phoning. I've now phoned piano teacher as I had the number and dh didn't.

Team work. We muddle through. I'm enjoying the novelty of a hotel room and nothing to do. If it stops raining I shall go and explore.

[SomewhereIBelong]

We have a family calendar app - if it is on there it gets done by whoever is around to do it - has never been only one of us knowing what needs doing when. Short list of what happens what days, and leave him to it.

[jimijack]

Good god no magnificent!

Sulky, last minute, naaa, we are adults in our house, we do what needs to be done, by who ever needs to do it.
I can tell you that if my dh acted like that, he would get short shrift, as would I.

[OnlyLovers]

I would draw up a timetable for each day of what needs to happen and when. Then I would make a list of which child needs which kit packed for each day, pretty much item by item. to avoid things being forgotten.

Bollocks to that. Did anyone draw up lists for the OP when the kids started needing timetabling?

Leave him to it, OP. He's (presumably) a competent grown-up.

[Tangerineandturquoise]

I have two things to suggest

1. You had to learn how to do it-so can he. Any problems he will probably find a school parent willing to help out, if I'm honest school parents always seem much more willing to help out dads than mums, probably because of the "aw bless he can't possibly manage" mindset which annoys the fick out of me.
   
   
2. Cozi is a free planner/calendar app, and it is great for stuff like this, you can even import some calendars so I have the school one go through my google calendar to Cozi seamlessly, if you put stuff in he can see it, if does you will, it will send reminders, hi-light which people need to be where.
   You have one family account and then you can link it to however many people are in the family with smart phones etc. The right people get reminders. It gets better the more you use it-then he wont have to call you up about stuff like this.

[TendonQueen]

As someone said earlier, you can bet they don't act like this at work. I would practice saying 'Maybe you should check with the school' on repeat.

[TheMagnificientFour]

jimijack, if your DH was away, would you be grumpy because you have to do the things he normally does?
Would you be in a huff because he can't drop the dcs at school even though you know that hom doing that is impossible?
Would you have waited the very last minute before wondering what is going on when you had 9 months notice?

You see in that case, iot's not just trying to make thuings go as smoothl;y as possible. It's the fact the Op's DH is expecting to have everything organised for him so he has as little input as possible.
It's the fact he is on all the school emails but doesn't feel in any shape or form that he has be remotely involved in what is happening with his dcs. (esp as since his dcs are at private school, thinsg have changed a lot re after school stuff but he is completely oblivious to it)
And then when he has to, to be really grumpy about it because you know 'that's not his job and it's time consumming and it's HARD.

[Indantherene]

Mine asks me Every week whether Brownies finishes at 7 or 7.15. He is the one who picks her up. I also got home at 4.20 on a day when school finished at 4.15 to find him watching TV. She comes out at 4.30 doesn't she? Even if she did you need to leave before 4.20

[TheMagnificientFour]

to be really really honest? I would leave him to it and I believe that making a list and 'making it as easy as possible for him' isn't the right option.
Because 1- he will still have no idea about the amount of work involved and 2- at his place, I would find it insulting. You mean that he is not bright enough to work it out all on his own?!?

A quick list sould and has to be plenty surely?

[siiiiiiiiigh]

wifework

It's universal.

I was away working this weekend. 3 kids, 5 different activities and drop offs - just the way things worked out.

I'd done the laundry, sorted the meals, left a list.

He's in the huff. He's tired.

And, then, he wonders why he's short on blowjobs. Eejit.

He can't process that if he just DID IT then I'd find him attractive. Gives me the rage - but, the book helped. It's universal.

[BugritAndTidyup]

But if I had to do a bunch of the jobs dh normally does, I'd benefit from some instructions. I write timings out if I have to cook a roast dinner, dh knows them. I'd have to look up how to update the PC operating system or do a back up, dh knows this stuff.I've never used the current lawnmower, dh knows its petrol engine quirks....

Important bits underlined. YOU would look this stuff up. You're not expecting your DH to look up the information and write it all down for you, are you?

[mrsfuzzy]

i take it the op's husband is an adult, not being funny, but if you 'mother' your dh how the heck will he cope ? leave a brief list and let him get on with it, he can't cope ? may be the women in his life has a lot to answer for.

[jimijack]

I'm not a drooling imbecile !!! I can parent very well thank you, dh does that side of things and I do other things with & for my kids. It works out equally when weighed up. I WOULD need some instruction/information from dh in order to ensure smooth continuity.

That was my point, just give the guy some info, then leave him to it. Don't understand why there needs to be name calling or agro.

[whattheseithakasmean]

I would leave my DH & kids to it. What is the worst that can happen? They miss a match - that'll learn them, I suppose, but it really would be no big deal.

No way would I write lists for my DH - he would snort with derision in any case and refuse to read them. I don't think he would appreciate being treated like a useless half wit and indeed he isn't, so I would swan off without a second thought.

How can you fancy these drooling imbeciles that can't parent their ow child without written instructions?

[rookiemere]

I'm on the fence with this one.

I work p/t so do all the school runs and majority of the organisation. Therefore I'm the one with the contacts and info. If I'm going away I'll happily make the arrangements for DS to facilitate him getting to school and going to his activities and communicate those to DH. It makes sense for me to do it as it's faster and I can just let DH know.

However I do try to take a step back on certain things. So for example DS was going to rugby over the winter period - DH was a semi coach for it and all the emails went to him. He started asking me what time rugby started at -er I don't know why don't you read your emails, and generally seemed to be surprised that I wasn't prepared to pick up the organisation of that as well, oh and was a bit arsy when I asked him what time it was at when he was away on one of his many weekend jollies.

I don't think there's a perfect answer. Some of the questions posed by the OP's Dh seem imminently sensible to me, I don't know if a sub is automatically required to attend a match and I guess if the DF doesn't know that the rounders matches finish at different times its a reasonable request.

I get stabby when asked the same question more than once - I can't be expected to remember everything is the war cry of the highly paid project manager who can manage over 40 actions per day at work. Oh and when I arrange something "What have we planned for childcare?" makes me want to throw a brick in the askers direction.

[AuditAngel]

Bunting DH has already asked me to prepare a folder "if I die first"....... Telling him about my pension, the life assurance, all the insurance policies etc.... So at least he knows he is unaware.

Still makes me shabby though. Last night he called me (I am travelling this week for work) to tell me he is going to a funeral so childcare needed for DD2.........

[redskybynight]

I think it's reasonable to leave notes / talk to him about what needs to be done.

I have a colleague at work who I have to cover for when she is away. I know roughly what she does and am obviously qualified to do it. Doesn't mean she would just swan off without bringing me up to speed and making sure I knew everything I needed to.

Same thing with DH - if it's usually your job to get the DC to their activities, just expecting him to work it out for himself is a bit mean.

[0x530x610x750x630x79]

The week might not go perfectly, like if you were there but you know what, that isn't important really in the whole scheme of life.

But leaving your OH to cope by himself allow him to take on life as an adult to quote some horrid advert 'priceless'

[popalot]

He'll cope. He copes at work managing things, doesn't he? Leave him with the information he needs. He's just trying it on.

[thegreysheep]

YADNBU. My ex can manage to cook and get out 1,000's of meals out a day to VIPs and manage 10's of staff; can plot the likely future dates and scores of upcoming premiership matches months ahead...but is incapable of noticing/remembering to buy milk/loo roll/ bread etc. when we run out. Why? Because it's a PITA having to haul shopping bags of heavy unglamorous groceries along with you on the way back from work or wherever, and he had me to do it, and "women like shopping".

It will be character-forming for him, general guidelines but leave him to figure out for himself and enjoy the conference.

[jimijack]

See now I'm the one who doesn't have a clue about clubs/activities as my dh has always Done it, ditto school run.

So I would appreciate a written run down of where I needed to be & at what time. That's all. I wouldn't begrudge dh going away and me having to do it, not at all.
I would quite enjoy being a bit more involved for a change tbh.

[Wibblypiglikesbananas]

Yanbu. There seem to be way too many men out there who just can't be arsed with their own children.

[NKfell]

YANBU!

I'd give advice on what event is on which day at what time and that's about it.

[kickassangel]

Fair enough if the DH/P asks to be filled in on what's going on, don't deliberately keep them in the dark (although hopefully they'd have some idea), but the OP's DH is acting like doing her stuff for a few days is harder than climbing Everest. Both the OP and her DH work f/t. Again, it's obviously a bit different if one parent does ALL the home stuff because of being a SAHP.

DH and I both work ft. We do have some jobs which one of us is better at than the other, but generally if one is suddenly absent the other one just gets on with it. We may do things differently, or not so well, but we can hold the fort. I've never been hit by a bus, but I DID have an emergency appendectomy, leaving DH with DD to look after, right as her school was hit by a storm, lost all power and closed, AND she had a really important doctor's appt. that couldn't be missed I think they ate McDonald's for 3 days straight, but he managed to get the bulk of the stuff done for DD that should be done, got me to and from hospital and helped look after me, and fitted work in around that.

He's not even Superman.

[BlackeyedSusan]

ex has an enormous black hole in his brain labelled cba to remember about the children's routine, likes and dislikes and what needs to be done to get them anywhere or do anything. he can remember his stuff... as it is important to him. eg he would prepare food for us two but think that dd could wait for hers... (wtf?)

point him in the direction of the info and let the children and him take responsibility for getting their stuff ready.