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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that DH will just have to manage

56 replies

HarryLimeFoxtrot · 14/05/2015 22:45

I'm away at a conference next week. This was planned a long time ago - DH has known about it since September 2014.

It seems to have finally dawned on him that he will have to juggle the DC and the ever-changing school sports events. Usually I handle this side of things as I have a shorter commute. I know it is a PITA (different every week), but it is a consequence of having sporty DC (private school - they are expected to attend if picked for the team).

He's spent the evening saying things like: 'but what time does rounders finish' (A: look at the information sheet - every match is different as it depends where they are travelling to/from). 'Does DS have to attend the event even if everyone else is available?' (DS is the reserve - I know no more than he does).

WIBU to just detach and let him deal with it?

OP posts:
LadyCuntingtonThe3rd · 14/05/2015 22:48

I bet your DC will just suddenly "get ill" and "become unfit for sports". GrinGrinGrin
YANBU though.

Hassled · 14/05/2015 22:51

Yes, detach. It will be character-forming for him.

beanandspud · 14/05/2015 22:55

YANBU but in your shoes I would try to make it as easy as possible.

Can you at least make a list of what you know will definitely happen/be needed each day along with things to double-check such as finish times.

Yes, you could just leave him to get on with it but, from experience, that's sometimes more difficult than trying to help to plan.

Original poster
HarryLimeFoxtrot · 14/05/2015 22:55

I'm curious to know how he is going to deal with Monday morning. I just got moaned at for 'leaving before the DC go to school'. The conference is 3 hours away and starts at 09:30. It isn't like I can hang around until they are out of the door at 08:10 and make it there on time.

FFS DH - you've had 8 months notice (and I booked the train tickets 2.5 months ago). Stop acting like I've suddenly altered my plans to inconvenience you.

OP posts:
ltk · 14/05/2015 23:00

Your dh managed to make it until your dc were old enough to have sports schedules before he noticed that there is no magic fairy getting everyone where they need to be on tIme. Full respect to him.

SeenSheen · 14/05/2015 23:05

I would draw up a timetable for each day of what needs to happen and when.

Then I would make a list of which child needs which kit packed for each day, pretty much item by item. to avoid things being forgotten.

This will make it easier for your DH to understand and will hopefully avoid any disappointments for your DC.

Then detach & leave him to it.

AuditAngel · 14/05/2015 23:09

I'm going away on business on Sunday, until late Wednesday night. DH works every other Sunday, of course, he is working Sunday!

Mum has been living with us since dad died in January. Both of them hate early starts.

I have negotiated that mum will do mornings, DH pickups. We have 3 DC.

Yesterday DH had the audacity to tell me that work had chosen the worst possible time to send me away. I pointed out that work had fitted my trip into a 10 day period between him having a knee op and not being able to drive for 2 weeks and our half term holiday. To be fair, that shut him up!

I will need to leave times for school (DS is in his 7th year at school), dancing, DS's stage show, nursery everything.

I can't wait for 3 nights in a hotel. The fact it is in Rome is just a bonus Grin

3nationsfamily · 14/05/2015 23:09

Give him the broad outline and them leave him to it. He will appreciate you more for it when you get back and it might do the kids no harm to take some responsibility for their own kit/bags/lunch etc.

Icimoi · 14/05/2015 23:09

"Does DS have to attend the event even if everyone else is available?"

What sort of dumb question is this? Surely he can work out that yes, the reserve does have to attend. Everyone else being available doesn't preclude someone injuring themselves during the match, so obviously DS needs to be available to play.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 14/05/2015 23:10

Good god woman. Change your tickets and go up the day before and stay overnight in a spa hotel!

He will manage.

Original poster
HarryLimeFoxtrot · 14/05/2015 23:11

No. He moved job 18 months ago. Before that he worked on the same site as me, and we split everything 50:50. It's just be has got used to not thinking about it.

I'm not sure I have time to help him plan. I'm organising and running the sessions on Tuesday pm and Wednesday am, and there have been some last-minute changes (I'm getting around 100 conference-related emails per day at the moment).

Besides, he's away at the moment (on a course - which I out found out about last Friday, although admittedly he got a place as a result of a cancellation). This evenings conversation was conducted with him on speaker phone whilst I was packing for DS's residential trip and trying to help DD with her homework. Funnily enough I wasn't prepared to stop, boot up my computer, find the relevant email and tell him what time rounders finished on Monday (he's just as capable of finding the email on his machine).

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 14/05/2015 23:13

When I went away during term time when mine were younger, I used to have to leave written instructions. My children's own father would have kept the dc happy and fed without it, but that would have been about it.

Make it as easy as you can for your DH, he will probably realise what a plonker it makes him if he's having to read instructions on how to sort out his own children.

Hakluyt · 14/05/2015 23:13

"private school - they are expected to attend if picked for the team"
Sorry to be pompous and irrelevant, but I have to say that this happens in state schools too....

fancyanotherfez · 14/05/2015 23:16

I went away for work for 4 days a couple of months ago. I had a bit of moaning, but DH and the kids were fine. I did a list, but went with the 'everybody fed, nobody dead' school of parenting! In the end, my DH was pretty offended by the ready meals I stuck in the freezer and cooked from scratch every night!

kickassangel · 14/05/2015 23:23

I'm quite shocked by how many of you are enabling their DH'. When I go away for work I just go. I let DH and DD sort themselves out. He's not able to finish work in time for after school activities, but otherwise DD is perfectly able to remind him of anything.

I would also leave DD to do her own packing. She's 11. I would have done it for her when younger.

Original poster
HarryLimeFoxtrot · 14/05/2015 23:27

Hakluyt - they were both at state school until recently (DD moved in Sept 2013, and DS in Sept 2014). I find the amount of commitment expected much greater now than it used to be. This may not be everyone's experience, but it is mine.

For example, next week DD (who loves sport and seems to get picked for everything) has 4 matches: rounders on Monday evening, athletics on Tuesday evening, tennis on Wednesday evening and swimming on Thursday evening. DS has two: swimming on Tuesday evening and cricket on Thursday evening.

It was rare for either of them to have more than one match a week at their previous school.

OP posts:
Original poster
HarryLimeFoxtrot · 14/05/2015 23:29

DS has just turned 9. I have another thread on what he thought he should take on his trip

OP posts:
UniS · 14/05/2015 23:31

I sit down with dh and a paper calender and make him a day by day bullet point kind of sheet for the odd week that I am away for work. DS also gets a copy. DH has to deal with permission slips etc for things that happen when I'm not around. DS doesn’t get to do all the sport he would like to, sometimes it just can't be done.

DS gets 3 bits of info
how ds is getting to school, where he is after school and what ds has to remember to take to school that day. this covers such mundane stuff as dinner tickets/ packed lunch , sports kit, music books etc.

DH is expected to read the calender or put in on his phone. I do book extra childminder pick ups and negotiate the favours from friends as I do the bulk of school pick ups and see people face to face more than DH does. I am self employed and can schedule much of my work for during school hours or at weekends. DH is employed with mainly standard hours but spends about 3-4 weeks a year working away.

I give DH as much notice as I can and expect him to be working standard hours unless he has given me notice that he is working non standard hours in advance.... it gets way more complicated if we are both doing non standard and then grandparents or one or two VERY good friends might be approached, or one of us may have to refuse the work.

Iflyaway · 14/05/2015 23:36

Good wake-up call for him!

think he will sleep through

Hakluyt · 15/05/2015 12:33

When our children were small and I was a SAH and DP worked long hours so wasn't involved on a day to day basis in the week I would do a quick list if I was going to be away. It's not really reasonable to expect somebody who is never there on a Monday at school pick up to know that we drop X home, for example. Or what's needed for Brownies if they never do it. BUT I woild certainly have expected him to be able to do without any input from me anything that happened at the weekend as well- like where the socks are, and feeding people. And once pointed at an email about sports fixtures I woildn't expect to have to do anything else- unless the email doesn't give all the details. So repeating the time and location, not necessary- whether they need studs or trainers, possibly necessary. And if both parents WOH then all bets are off- both parents should know it all.

DontTurnAround · 15/05/2015 12:40

I don't mean to be dramatic here but what would some of your husbands do if you got hit by a bus tomorrow? Leave him to it OP. He's had lots of time to prepare and should be old enough to figure it our for himself.

OVienna · 15/05/2015 12:44

these threads make me ragey. OP: YANBU.

AggressiveBunting · 15/05/2015 12:47

I don't mean to be dramatic here but what would some of your husbands do if you got hit by a bus tomorrow?

Well to be fair, if that happened, I hope the kids would be too upset to worry about whether they got to rounders or not Grin

PacificDogwood · 15/05/2015 12:49

YANBU.

Let him do the lifework for one weekend - it'll do him the world of good! Grin

AmberLav · 15/05/2015 12:58

I figure that if I have been doing it for a while and DH hasn't then I will pass on pearls of wisdom, to help.

I'm only at the preschool level, but on Wednesdays I have two sets of swimming lessons, and I have it down to a well-oiled art now, incluing how I pack the bag for easy grabbing. So when DH had to do it when I had to go to work, I did leave things ready for him, as much as I could, and gave him good instructions (mainly so he wouldn't get in anyone's way!). But with other stuff that we both do, I leave him to it, as he's a grown up...

Enjoy your conference and try not to worry about them!

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