3 year old with too much power? - venting

[tired999]

I got a text from a friend this afternoon asking if she could come over as "she was supposed to be writing job applications but her son wanted to play with his friends." She came over and my two boys (3 and 2) were playing with her 3 year old son. The two 3 year olds found some cobwebs in the garden and were putting them on each other. Her son decided he didn't like the game and demanded his son tell my son off for putting cobwebs in him. I expected her to do nothing but she did as he asked. I refrained from saying anything to keep the peace. Throughout the afternoon he continued to try to get me to tell off my son about various other unimportant things like my son getting a drink, a piece of bread off the table etc. My friend seemed less than impressed that I didn't respond to these demands and my response to her son of "I don't listen to tell tales".

Writing this down it seems very trivial but it got me annoyed and with my husband working away during the week I've no one else to vent at.

[Marmiteandjamislush]

YWU on 3 counts IMHO:

1. Not intervening re the cobwebs. The children are 3 and if one doesn't like it but others keep on doing it, you should say: 'I think X has had enough of that game, boys, let's find something else to do.' If it continues you follow up with: 'DS, that is unkind. Stop it now.'
   
   
2. Telling tales, for all the reasons others have said. Plus coupled with point 1 sounds like you are taking your frustrations on the mother out on the child, which is horrible and the child will realise it and feel upset.
   
   
3. Not dealing with the tension between you adults, which resulted in your child being told off and crying.
   
   Also, I have to say, you don't sound as if you like your 'friend' or her little boy very much, so why keep seeing them?

[pictish]

I'd have out and out said, "Err...on what planet do adults make disciplinary decisions in their own home based on the whims of a visiting toddler?" and given her the face. Just to let her know how bonkers it is.
She could like it or lump it after that. If she wanted to lump it, so be it...sounds like a situation that could soon become aggravating and tedious anyway.
I'm not fond of parents who do what their kids tell them to do. Spineless.

[lantien]

Your friend shouting at your 3 year old and making him cry was totally unreasonable. With hindsight do you think you should have intervened at that point?

I'd have intervened at that point - first trying to defuse the situation - and possible started to make noises about it being time for them to go.

The bread stuff - I think I'd have probably responded with - yes I know he's allowed it's our house our rules in a friendly happy but no nonsense tone. To stop the whole he's doing wrong things from other DC.

Next time she asks to come over - say no your busy.

[PeachyPants]

Your friend shouting at your 3 year old and making him cry was totally unreasonable. With hindsight do you think you should have intervened at that point? Did you spend the rest of the visit simmering with resentment at your friend more so than her child? Was the telling tales response a little passive aggressive or displaced anger? Seriously I think I'd be revaluating my friendship with her, it'd annoy the hell out of me being around them. I do agree with what others have said about telling tales being a confusing response for a 3 year old, I think MrsTerryPratchet has made excellent points about alterative responses.

[Balaboosta]

Okay, I get the problem with saying "telling tales" but my nephews pull this stunt and I hate it. It's really hard to deal with because the other parent is watching you and you don't want to be manipulated y their child in the way that that they are allowing themselves to be. So if you don't do want the child demands there is an implied criticism. Difficult. Needs to be handled carefully.

[NRomanoff]

Teaching 12 years and have never referred to telling tales, just don't find it helpful.

Totally agree.

[mikado1]

Of course 3 too young, which is one of a few reasons why I said that I thought saying that was U, I was giving the distinction to a pp whose 7 yo thought she would get into trouble.

Teaching 12 years and have never referred to telling tales, just don't find it helpful.

[FieryJuliet]

Well the mum sounds awful to be honest and I find it a bit rude that she invited herself and her son to your house in the first place. If my dcs want someone to play with we invite a friend to our house.

Sounds like she is going to be one of those parents who let their dcs dictate everything. I know a few of these, but try to avoid them. I find it so odd really - the world is not going to revolve around those dcs once they are grown up, so why make things so hard for them later?

3 is a little young to get the difference between telling tales to get someone into trouble versus telling an adult because you need their help. My dcs get this now but they are older - if they are simply trying to get a sibling into trouble I'm not going to listen. Obviously this child is not going to learn that difference from his mum if she keeps pandering to his demands.

[mommy2ash]

Are you seriously saying you stood there while another adult shouted at your three year old till he cried?

Forget all the nonsense about cobwebs and bread that is what you are being unreasonable with

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Yes, these children are three. I don't really think they understand those distinctions yet. Encouraging them to express what the actual issue is and teaching them how to deal with things is what I would make the priority.

[NRomanoff]

NRomanoff, a nice distinction is if you're telling just to get someone in trouble it's telling tales, if you're telling to stop someone hurting you or someone else, it's not.

DD understands that now, but as a 7 year old, repeatedly hearing that made her feel it would her in trouble. Even though I never use the phrase, she didn't want to tell us incase we told her teacher and her teacher thought she was a tell tale. Kids hear things but don't always get the meaning behind it. I think its a bad phrase to use. Slight distinction or not.

[Quills]

Well, I wouldn't have stayed quiet when she shouted at my DC and made them cry, that's for sure! That was your chance to firmly draw the boundaries and you missed it.

[RabbitSaysWoof]

crossed with mikado

[RabbitSaysWoof]

Wouldn't people teach their children when thats appropriate tho? ie when something makes you upset or you are worried about something.
Don't all children have a go at basking in the glory of being the one who wasn't naughty by trumping up other kids minor offences? I would nip that in the bud it would make dc unlikeable in the long run.

[mikado1]

You didn't mention shouting or crying!! That is of course U. Apart from anything you should be the one to speak to your child if needed.

NRomanoff, a nice distinction is if you're telling just to get someone in trouble it's telling tales, if you're telling to stop someone hurting you or someone else, it's not.

[NRomanoff]

Honestly I don't like people using the term telling tales. Dd didn't speak up about being bullied for a while because her teacher used to say it and she thought she would get in to trouble. For me it can make children think twice about speaking up, when something bothers them

Personally I would have stepped concern she told my son off and made him cry. And told the boy that my son is welcome to get drinks in his own house and I wouldn't be telling him off and added, would you like a drink.

The mother ibu in my opinion for telling your son off and generally being ordered around by a child. But I wouldn't have been impressed with the phrasing.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

It is irritating Rabbit but lots of children are encouraged to tell tales and so it's really unfair to tell them off for it.

[LadyDeadpool]

Drip feed.

I hate the tell tales crap it becomes confusing for young children about what they should tell an adult about I.e bullying.

[RabbitSaysWoof]

I would have gone with the tale telling line too, that's what he was doing and that behaviour is irritating.
FWIW I wouldn't be upset if someone pointed out to my child they were being rude in those circumstances, whining about another childs behaviour in he's own home when it doesn't even effect them, but they probably wouldn't need to because I would probably get in and tell dc first.

[tired999]

It was my house!

[tired999]

Sorrey my op should have read. Her son demanded that she tell off my son which she did immediately

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Well since you didn't mention the shouting or the tears... In that case, I would have said, "never shout at my child again" and I would have left. Completely different to the OP.

[tired999]

sorry mikado1 was you posted whilst I was writing

[tired999]

She shouted at my son and made him cry for the trivial action of putting cobwebs on her son. But I'm unreasonable for telling her sone to stop telling tales when my ds got a got a piece of bread off the table?

[mikado1]

Sorry I meant yanbu!!!