36 weeks and OH still drinks at weekends!

[jelliebelliebee]

I am new to this site and I joined as I need some insight. I am 24 years old and 36 weeks pregnant with my first child. My OH untill recently was going out at weekend and staying out till the early hours. After a lot of arguments he finally realised he was taking it too far with the weekend benders. He has been staying in at weekends now, however, he still has a drink. He doesnt get ridiculously drunk, but is deffinetly too drunk to be of any help if I were to go into labour or there was an emergency. He assured me this was his last weekend drinking but I dont believe him. I have this feeling he will drink at the weekends right up till our babies here and I am terrified he is unfit to drive or wont be allowed onto the wards inebriated and misses the biggest moment in our lives. I am so angry at how selfish he is and that he cant see it. Surely if I can give up alcohal for 9 months he can give up for a few weeks?!? He makes me feel like I am being unreasonable and overreacting but surely saying no to a drink at the weekends cant be that hard?? Has anyone else been in this situation? Did your OH stop drinking in the weeks coming up to your due date? Sorry for the long post but im at my wits end with his BS xxx

[Superexcited]

A number of people don't drive or have cars - just saying.

But if you do have one the barrier to using it should not be that that father of the child prioritised a drink over his partner going into labour and needing to be transported to hospital.

[jelliebelliebee]

Thats my concern! If I were to go and he had been drinking even if it was just a few 1. He couldn't drive (the drive limit her now is 0 tolerance) 2. He wouldnt be allowed on the ward and 3. He would not be in a clear mind to help support me ( this is my first and havent experienced this yet I do not know how it will go and would like very much for my partner to be there for support) or miss the whole thing all together because I know first of all I couldnt forgive him! And also he would never forgive himself!!

When he has a drink he doesnt get legless but it is certainly more than just a few! Enough to make him hungover the next morning!

A few comments ive read have suggested I am over reacting to a few beers and my only concern is not 'getting a lift' and having to splash out on a taxi.. these comments have completly missed the point of my concerns. Its not just about travelling in. Its the lack of support if this were to happen, the thought of doing it alone and the sad fact him not showing a bit of self control over something (that really isnt a big ask considering its only alcohal its not the be all and end all of a weekend and there are other ways to relax for a few weeks) could end in him missing one of the biggest moments of his life!

I feel a few people have misjudged my side on this. Im not a controlling partner I am fine with a sociable and resposible drink att weekends, I love my partner and feel he is a good man who works hard and is suportive. That is why I am stunned that he cant just have a break from drinking at the weekend, what is so hard about? Ive gave up many things for 9 months! More than a skin full at the weekends!!! Why cant he just get it together and be ready for these last few weeks?

Am I really being unfair??? In my heart I do not believe I am and talking about this to him ends up with him gettings defensive and rude then ignoring me like I am doing something wrong!

Xx

Xx

[gingerbreadmam]

i understand your worries. im a first timer too and that alone is scary and full of unknowns.

basically everyone hopes labour will go as smoothly as possible and adding in unecessary complications like this wont help that.

i would either explain your concerns to dh. if that doesnt work as well as you had hoped can you have more than one birth partner and hopefully they can drive too?

if you dh chooses to drink knowing he might miss the birth then i dont know how your feel about that but i guess if youve given him all the facts thats his choice.

[AbbeyRoadCrossing]

Perhaps you could put it to him more positively about his role as birth partner and what it involves, and what your preferences are for the birth? Then it might click with him that's there's more to it than simply being a driver.
I don't think my DH really understood until we sat down and talked about these things e.g. if me and baby were separated I wanted him to go to special care with the baby, what types of pain relief I wanted etc. Explain that during birth you might not be in a state to say your preferences and you will need him to help you.

[jelliebelliebee]

Ive tried several approaches. We did a parentcraft class recommended by the midwife which was excellent I encouraged him about his role when its the big day and it really hit home how much he will be needed on the day, that hasnt changed his view tho. I also tried backing off, giving him breathing space to do his thing and have a think about it. When I did this he used it as permission to stay out later so completly missed the point and in the last few weeks I have been more strict in the hopes he realises this is it! Its time to be a bit more responsible. But last night has shown me it doesnt matter what I do or say he 'can do what he want' as he likes to remind me, and every time I even try to discuss it he gets all defensive and huffy and turns it into an argument. Hes completly blind to what im trying to say! Hea putting his need to do what he wants before what (in my opinion) he should do!

Apparantly this was his last weekend having a drink. Im hoping the swanning in at the back of 2am was him having a one last time moment, but I have so many doubts about that! I just dont know how to get it to hit home with him, or if I even can!

I asked my mum to also be there as support we are very close and she is great at keeping me level headed and in the zone when I get stressed. If he goes back on his word and it happens when he is drunk I am just going to have my mum there! Her husband is a great guy and I know if I needed to get there in an emergency he could take us through. Its just heartbreaking the thought of it not being my partner! Hes worked so hard to provide for us and our baby! It would be so unfair if he threw away his chance to be there because he cant control his urge to have a drink at the weekend. That hurts me more than anything. It sounds silly but I need him there I need to share this with him because I know he will be a great dad and he is so excited for this. I just dont think he realises how serious this could potentially be! He shouldnt risk it.

Xx

[jelliebelliebee]

Im also aware that his friends keep inviting him out and he says things like 'oh I better ask permission' ' wait to see what mood shes in'. His friends tell him im beig controlling and huffy, which simply is not true! They just want there drinking buddy around they dont care if its close to the birth of his child! One has even invited him to his birthday party which is just over a week before my due date!
Another has invited him to watch a boxing match the same night that doesnt even start till 1am apparantly. . He has said he would go to both and not have a drink. Knowing this friend of his he will be encouraging him to have a drink at every cost! Which I think is ridiculous if he was a real friend he wouldnt pressure anyobe into drinking and my OH should have enough self control to say no. His need to do what he wants and his pushy party friends are big factors in this. They encourage his belief that its acceptable to get a big drink even at this stage. Not one of them have kids! I only know of one with a partner they dont have any understanding of our situation so they cant possibly understand what the problem is.

Xx

[SuperMumTum]

I don't think there's much more you can do to be honest. You've tried talking, explaining, reasoning, threatening and you have a great back up plan. He's either going to decide on his own to sort this out or get lucky and happen to be sober when the time comes or he's going to seriously regret letting you down and missing the birth of his child.
I also think this is a sign of what's to come. You'll be the one stuck in watching tv on saturday nights and doing all the early mornings for the next decade.

[ScarlettDarling]

solidgoldbrass ...get a bus?!!
Have you ever been in labour?!

op yanbu. He needs to stick to his word and knock the drinking on the head for a few weeks.

[AbbeyRoadCrossing]

Sounds like you've tried everything then. It's good you've got your mum near, I'd have her as birth partner and him as back up from now on, but of course it's up to you. I'm assuming his mates have no kids and don't really get it - it's amazing how many people think due dates are set in stone
I really think you've got to talk about the future as his lifestyle and a newborn really aren't going to mix well.

[madreloco]

The majority of women have plenty of time for a first labour to get a bus, taxi, lift, whatever. I walked, took about an hour. Another one I drove myself.
It's rarely a hollywood style dash in an ambulance.

[BreeVDKamp]

Oh this hasn't even crossed my mind and I'm similar to you, 25 years old and 37 weeks

We do have to get a taxi to the hospital though as there is no parking, and DH doesn't get drunk, just a couple of beers, so would still be able to be supportive in labour!

You have a good point OP and I would be very put out if DH was drunk every weekend quite juvenile.

[jelliebelliebee]

Im really glad I posted on here! I was going over in my mind a million things at once! I needed to know I wasnt veing silly or unfair. Its easy to feel this way when someone constantly tells you to chill out and stop over reacting! It didnt help his friends reinforcing this.

Ive read every comment and have had some excellent advice and reassurance that I wasnt mad!

Thankyou everyone for your insight I really appreciate! Im glad I spoke out! Sometimes and outside perspective really helps.

Xxx

[comeagainforbigfudge]

OP is his mum around? Maybe time for a word in her ear so she can give him a right good talking too.

You need to talk to him again. Remind him he wanted this baby too and that this is part of the deal.

Also remind him that he is 24 not 18. He is an adult with responsibilities.

At 24 I was living on my own, going back to uni and holding down 2 jobs on top of studying to make ends meet.

Being 24, so therefore "young", is NOT a valid excuse imo.

Also his attitude when listening to his friends saying you are controlling etc needs to be addressed. He should be backing you up to the hilt and reminding them that you are pregnant, and pretty much ready to drop.

I'm so annoyed on your behalf. I'd totally come round and give him a bollocking for you if you were near me

Have some instead

[jelliebelliebee]

I didnt even have to tell his mum! She gave him a a very strict word when he was staying out all weekend long it was after this he started coming home by 12 then eventually staying in (even thought he was still drinking and just sitting up late to watch tv or play fifa) but even his own mum telling him to reel it in a bit wasnt enough.

He has been excellent in every other way! This is the only thing he cant or possibly wont grasp!

Its very frustrating and fills me with doubts for our future! Especially when I return to work!

Xxxx

[Icimoi]

With any luck last night was his final fling. I suspect also that he is being one-track minded about this and saying to himself that you won't go into labour till your due date so it's not really necessary to stop drinking early. I can see the temptation to drop a false alarm on him!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

jellie - it really doesn't sound like he's taking you or your concerns seriously. He sounds dreadfully immature, whatever you say - deferring to his friends' opinions all the time rather than taking a sensible stance on the situation.

I'm glad for you that you have your mum for back up, because it does rather sound as though you might need it :(

The worst thing for me, reading your subsequent posts, is that if he can't give it up now when you really need him to, he's certainly not going to be able to resist when he's looking after the baby. He'll probably think it's ok to have several beers while he's sitting in, not thinking that he'll ever need to suddenly rush to the doctor/hospital or so on.

It may be that he does just have an immaturity problem ("you can't tell me what to do, I'll do what I want" does have a very teenage ring to it!) but he may also have an alcohol problem - functional alcoholics don't necessarily drink every day, but when they start, they have trouble stopping. And he's certainly not too young - I was at University with a lad who came back after 2nd year as a teetotaller, having been told over the summer holiday that he'd trashed his liver so much that he was risking death before 30 if he didn't stop drinking.

YANBU at all, nor are you over-reacting - because you are looking at the bigger picture, and all he is doing is looking at the one-off instance each time.

[jelliebelliebee]

He is very immature when it comes to this! Its honestly like arguing with a teenager. Its frustrating when he stands up with everything else. Its what he has been surrounded with all his life. His dad went out drinking every weekend, his mum enjoys a drink at the weekend, his friends all did it from being young teenagers and continue to do so. I completly understand why adults including his mum nd dad have a drink at weekends but it seems to be in his mind that its the done thing! Its what you work all week for and its how most people have fun. I think its each to their own and if thats how people relax and let their hair down then so be it, but theres a time and a place for everything and its a problem if you cant stop something no matter how big or small when its at the expense of something much more important!

In that sense I see what people are saying about a drink problem. He isnt addicted to it but his problem is he thinks he HAS to do it to chill out. That isnt a good sign for future situations.

Your completly right about the not taking into considertain emergency hospital trips,especially if our wee one is accident prone like i was as a child (I was always getting myself into daft situations). Hopefully hell learn its not all fun and games and easy breezy! If not I will just have to find support elsewhere. Im very lucky to have my mum. I think I will talk to her about this today. Open up to people what I am trying to deal with.

Xxx

[AbbeyRoadCrossing]

If he goes out every weekend and presumably is the worst for wear on a Sunday and works all week when will he have quality time with his child? It's good you have family near that can help out but it nice to have the occasional lie in if only until 8am. I know people do it on their own all the time but DHs help at weekends is invaluable to me and gives me head space if only for a few hours.

[Pingu1985]

With DS1 my OH went on a lads holiday to Malia when i was 37 weeks. I wasnt happy about that. Not one bit, and his response was, "well Id see the baby when i got back"... But I must admit, that was 9 years ago we were both young when we had DS1 and we are due our 2nd baby in 8 weeks ish. He really doesnt drink that much, but he wouldnt do anyway now. I think we've both outgrown the weekend benders now. 😂😂😂

But, my opinion with your OH is, he seems to be a bit irresponsible, and Id be worried about how seriously he is taking this entire situ. He is going to be a dad soon. If he is like this now, what is he going to be like when baby is here? Are you going to be left to look after baby whilr he goes out all the time? Or when realises his responsibility, is he going to resent or regret baby. I hope not.

Sorry to sound harsh, Im just trying to write what worries would be going through my head if i was in the same situation.

Hope you both get it sorted and enjoy becoming parents, congratulations and wish you both the best. :)

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Pingu you didn't read the date of the OP before you posted?, I think that ship sailed a while ago.

[SpunnyFoonerism]

Baby's nearly a year old now.

[Pingu1985]

Nope, lol. Ur right. 😂😂😂 i only realised after id posted it. Lol! Yup. Ship sailed along time ago. Sorry. 😊

[jelliebelliebee]

Just noticed there was new posts on here lol

He stepped up big time on the day and was very supportive through my 36 hour labour! I had to be induced on my due date due to bp problems, my daughter was born 3 days late. A healthy beautiful baby girl weighing 7lbs 8 1/2oz.

For the person who suggested i get a bus, i had contractions from the start that came every 4 minutes or less. So that's 36 hours of constant pain. I was sick constantly and couldn't even keep water down ended up seriously dehydrated and on a drip and my heart rate got so high they had to get me a consultant in case i had a heart attack. My daughter was back to back and my previous problems with pelvic pain were exacerbated making it very difficult to walk... But yeah no worries i could have just hopped on a bus no problem!

Sadly myself and my now ex OH arent together anymore. I left him straight after new year as i was sick of being told "i don't think i want to be with you anymore." Realising that things would never get better between us (As a couple at least) i left.

I will say though that he is an amazing dad and comes over to see our daughter every day after work and has her all weekends while i work. We get on better now than when we were together and he supports me and our baby fully! He has seriously kirbed his drinking habits and is a better man for it.

We are still friends and we do everything we can for our baby girl who will be 1 in a couple of weeks.

Thought id give a wee update :-) xxx

[grannytomine]

We are both tee total so wasn't an issue for us. I had a baby on New Year's Day, the woman who was in the next room was alone and then her husband arrived just into New Year's Day, I had gone in bang on midnight and she was already there. He was so drunk he passed out, the midwives wheeled an extra bed in for him and put him to bed. My husband had gone to park the car and saw him arrive. He woke up the next morning in a delivery room with his wife in the next bed and his new baby in a cot. She wasn't happy!

[grannytomine]

Just realised this is old news, sorry. I'm glad he was there for you, sounds like you have had a pretty rough time but have come out of it well. Your little girl is lucky that you are both there for her, hope the birthday goes well.