You don't have the hands for nails and other nasty things men say without thinking

[notnearlythereyet]

AIBU to expect my man to cherish and adore me like when we first met?
Recently i've heard that I don't have the hands for nails when I painted them and asked what he thought. I admit my hands are chubby, but so are his! Is that a reason enough to discourage me from getting my nails done? He retracted very quickly saying how lovely my hands were blah blah blah, but I wonder if all men are so thoughtless and blurt out the first thing that comes to mind sometimes?

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

My horrible cheating arsehole of a dad was once preening in the mirror whilst trying on a new coat at a shop, then turned to my poor mum and absentmindedly asked her "What would you think of this, if you were a woman?"

He was a bastard.

[Lweji]

Yes, Dowser but she probably wasn't "going around the eyes", although she might have had eyesight and judgement problems. ;)
I'm sure he'll start on her at some point.

[MrsTedCrilly]

I was going up into the loft on a ladder, and my usually very complimentary partner said "careful, the weight limit is 100kg" I'm 5ft 7 and a size 14. He backtracked quickly but these things stick with you..

[BallsToThat]

My DH laughs at how pale I am. He plays a 'first one to spot the person whiter than you wins' game whenever we go to the beach .

I find it funny, though.

[Dowser]

11 years ago when I was 52 I was told by my husband that i was starting to go around the eyes.

Nice one eh?

Anyway after losing 16 stones of useless fatty blubber I realised I obviosly didn't measure up to his new girlfriend who was ten years younger than me.

I had no idea what she looked like until I saw a photo of her on FB a couple of years ago. What a shock that was. She was easily twice my size and probably bigger than him.

[Everythingwillbeok]

SoleSource that's bloody disgusting.....take no fucking notice I'm sure your lovely inside and out.

[bereal7]

Latara

[Latara]

I had (notice, 'had') a male friend who I secretly fancied. I always made an extra effort with my appearance when I was going out with him. There was a group of us lads & girls from the same town who were friends for several years when I was in my 20s.
Then I found out, by accident, that he & his other male friends had a very nasty nickname for me - made up by him, based on the fact I had 'frizzy' hair & pale skin. I can't even say the nickname, it is the name of a male character and is really horrible.

I was really hurt & despite his protestations I stopped hanging out with them - since then I've been really careful with men, if there's any hint of an insult I'm out of there. But it still hurts when I go 'back home' and see this group of men around.
Looking back at photos I can't understand why I got that nickname really and I was always nice & friendly to them, never bitchy. I still don't know what I did to deserve that treatment. I won't speak to him now and I'm happy to say he doesn't have a girlfriend.

Maybe I was too oversensitive? But in fact it was the last straw after several incidents of bad behaviour from a guy who was supposed to be a good friend.

I think some insults say a lot about the underlying character of the insulter.

[ZoomZoomToTheMoon]

kiritekanawa I know what you mean. I grew up with criticism of everything and I still find it hard to accept a compliment. I go red and get flustered. I love cooking for people and am a good cook but when they say it's delicious I just want the ground to swallow me up!

With what I'm wearing, I find that a bit easier because I can talk about it without sounding weird. I'd feel daft saying "oh, these potatoes were on 3 for 2 at asda" :o but I think talking about where your clothes came from works a bit better, sometimes I say "Oh thanks, it was an ebay bargain!" or something.

DP will say "you look nice" if I wear something special and then I just say "thanks", I've got used to it now. I do say it to him too but separately, when I really mean it. I don't like the transactional thing and I don't like it when people do it to me, because if I compliment something it's genuine, but the "payback" just sounds like they feel they have to say it.

[MrsTawdry]

Kiri just thank them and if you want, tell them where it's from.

[MrsTawdry]

DH never says anything personal but he does from time to time say "I don't like that top" or whatever. And that pisses me off...because it puts me off the item of clothing.

[kiritekanawa]

Out of interest - what would people like to have their DP/DH/friend/colleague say instead, about this kind of thing?

I grew up in a house where there were no nice comments at all about appearance, only varying degrees of silence, nastiness and bitchiness. Thus, when my DH says "you look nice" I tend to flinch and think he's trying to be nice, but speaking from a script of how he thinks husbands are meant to talk. He may well be and that's fine by me!

However, I never really know what to say in social situations - if someone says "I like your scarf" am I meant to say "thanks. That's a lovely jumper you have on" or does that sound too transactional? Should I say "thanks, it came from XXX" instead? Or does that sound just self-absorbed and as though I'm not noticing the other person?

[BuggersMuddle]

DP is prone to saying 'it's not the best look / most flattering, the other one looks better' and do be honest I would actually prefer he just came out and said e.g. 'that one makes your arse look enormous' , because let's face it, there is some kind of negative behind the first comment.

That said, he wouldn't be daft enough to say either if I had to go out in it regardless.

That said, I have been known to comment on his appalling dress sense less than sensitively. He acknowledges that this is in fact fair (although it has improved from the bright combat / geeky t-shirt combo that was his preferred outfit when we met more than a decade ago).

[jendot2]

Having lost loads of weight and finally been confident enough to buy a dress for a special evening (I thought I looked amazing). I came downstairs all made up, heels, brand new dress. Babysitter is like wow you look amazing. Hubby dearest says, "it's a nice dress, it looks ok at the front but your bum looks huge" ..... He went to the event alone!!

[ZoomZoomToTheMoon]

Hmm but a friend could be honest and let you know nicely that a dress isn't working on you, and I don't think it's impossible for a caring partner to do the same. It all depends on the context and whether they are generally kind.

My DP will be quite careful and say "this one is flattering and makes your bum look great" when faced with a choice of two dresses for example. He won't tell me the other one looks crap, but I know what he's saying.

I don't actually think "you don't have the hands for nails" falls into that category though. I'd be a bit hurt by that, even though I actually do feel that way about my hands.

[LionWings]

It's just about kindness though. The OP was probably thinking something along the lines of 'that's a pretty colour' and 'I feel great I've done something nice for myself' and her husband just completely shut all those feelings down.

We are generally our own harshest critic so we don't need someone who is supposed to love us making us feel like crap when they could so easily build us up instead, especially if it's totally unexpected.

[ClockwiseCat]

Yeah, I smirked at Uncommon's joke too :o

[ManOfSpiel]

ZoomZoom

I agree but it's dificult to pick up on intent from the OP.

My wife fancied a drastically different hair style once and asked my honest opinion. I told her I didn't think it suited the shape of her face. I guess that doesn't sound very nice but it wasn't meant nastily at all.

In contrast I've started to get a few grey hairs and asked my wife if they were really noticeable. She told me I looked like a badger

[WingsofNylon]

I was once told, on a third date, to 'never wear those glasses in front of me again'. I never did, because I never saw him again!

But I do have to agree that some of these are just cases of people not wanting to hear the truth.

[ZoomZoomToTheMoon]

I think that's true but there are respectful ways of saying something doesn't fit well for example.

I think you can definitely tell the difference between that and just being nasty in a sneery or putting-down way.

[ManOfSpiel]

but I wonder if all men are so thoughtless and blurt out the first thing that comes to mind sometimes?

Sometimes. But men are also guilty of respecting their partners enough to give them their honest opinions too.

Sometimes, loving someone means not bullshitting, or sugar coating responses to pander to their sensitivities.