To think my friend should not have snatched a toy from dd?

[squishinglittlefatcheeks]

I was at my friends house and both her dd (22mth) and mine (20mth) were playing alongside each other nicely. Friend's dd started playing with a kitchen set - mainly a saucepan in which she had cooked 'food' and was emptying some of the food onto 2 plates.
My dd loves kitchen sets. She wanted one of the plates which I thought was fine so I asked friend's dd if my dd could have a plate and then allowed her to take one. At which point friend's dd started getting upset (tears) and my friend literally tugged the plate out of my dd's hand to give back to her daughter. My instinct was to stop my friend as I found this quite upsetting for my dd.
Of course my dd was upset. I distracted her with other bits of the kitchen set. My friend later said to me her dd had recently spent a lot of time with a family member's child who snatched from her a lot and now my friend is trying to teach her dd not to just give up her toys if another child takes it.
I agree with not letting another child take a toy if the first child is playing with it. But in this situation I can't see that this was applicable - my dd wasn't taking her toy, she just wanted one plate. In my mind this is sharing a toy. In the reverse situation I would have explained to dd that she can have the saucepan and one plate and let her friend share the other plate.

So AIBU to be annoyed that my friend tugged this toy out of my dd's hand? And if I am NBU then how would you tackle this situation (bearing in mind this is a friend whose house I am at, playing with her daughter's toy)?

[Bulbasaur]

The other girl was playing with it first.

You can't just ask a child that young if something is ok. They'll nod yes if you ask them if they want to eat dog poo. They're just giving the response you want to hear, not necessarily processing the question.

[DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease]

Next time, maybe see if you can get the other dd to hand out a plate to make giving out the plate part of her fun. If she doesn't want to then you ask your own dd to wait until it's finished with. So, I think ywbu but it's a small thing that is not worth any bother, just a change of approach the next time.

[Vvvoom]

I'm completely sympathetic. Couldn't stand the parents who let their kid behave horribly - or in this case do something mean themselves - and justify it by saying they are trying to teach their child something. Totally self-centred. Just roll your eyes and avoid her until her kid gets a bit older and she remembers there are other people in the world.

[my2centsis]

This would annoy me

[Jinglebells99]

You were being unreasonable to take one if the plates that the other child was playing with. That wasn't your question though. Yabu to be annoyed with your friend who merely gave back her dd's own toy in her own house that you'd taken from her. There will be many incidents like this over the next couple of years.

[lem73]

I think Chipping is spot on. I would also add that children that age don't get sharing or cooperative play. You need to let it develop gradually.

[ApocalypseThen]

I think I'd be quite annoyed if you took a toy from my child in her own home. I'd be taking it back as well. It's easy to understand that your daughter likes playing with kitchens, but I don't think that's a good enough reason to take a child's toy from her.

The obligation to share I think really only kicks in when they're at the stage where they can play together - these kids aren't there yet.

[catkind]

There's no right solution to toddler sharing rules. Different families use different rules. Did OP snatch the toy from other child or help her DD to join in the game? Did other mum snatch the toy from OP child or restore a toy that was rightfully hers?

I usually find the parents explaining the situation to the children helpfully signals to the other parents what rules they are trying to apply. At which point each parent politely defers to the other's rules and everyone gets in a friendly muddle until the children are distracted with something else.

[RockAFellaRock]

Not quite related to the situation but I do think the point is an interesting one.

[msgrinch]

yabu. your dd took it first. your friends dd was playing with it.

[HappyAgainOneDay]

Was this in Durham, OP? A lot of plate business goes on there.... Was it at night time?

[chillybits]

Your friend probably thinks you could have told your DD that she could have a plate when the other little girl had finished playing with them, yes she would have been upset but that's also a lesson your DD needs to learn. She wanted something, the other girl was still playing with it and so she couldn't have it yet.

But then of course the other little girl didn't seem to mind and cried only after you took it so how were you to know, but then again, she's far too young to anticipate that someone would actually take her plate away....welcome to Toddler World!

Generally though I would remember that whilst snatching's not nice, neither is making a child give something up they are playing with just because another child takes a shine to it. That's not modelling good behavior or real life either.

They are also extremely young and you will soon (hopefully) soon become very blase about the who did what in toddler world

[RockAFellaRock]

We use the idea of swap a lot. My daughter understands this concept. If she wants something for another child I suggest she offers an other toy to that child to swap. If that child is not ready to swap then I explain to my daughter that they are still playing with it at the moment and distract her with something else.

[squishinglittlefatcheeks]

Thanks for everyone's responses. I think the main thing I didn't/don't get is that there were two plates. In my mind if dd had one that's not taking away the other child's toy. If there was only one plate of course I would have told her to wait and distracted her etc. I suppose it's a different kind of logic and toddler-world doesn't always follow logical rules anyway. I'll definitely be more aware of the opposing opinion in the next situation because tbh it hadn't even crossed my mind that what I did could be construed as taking away her toy!

[squishinglittlefatcheeks]

Oh and also I realise it was her toy in her house but no one can honestly expect a 20mth old to understand that when they are surrounded by toys which are all new to them that they cannot play with them as equally as the other child. They don't understand its' ownership. I wouldn't expect a child visiting my house to realise the toys belong to my daughter, but I always do make sure any 'special' toys are hidden away.

[Aherdofmims]

It does sound as though the other little girls was playing a game that involved two plates and I think that is fair enough. You basically stopped her playing that game. I don't think your dd had a "right" to one of the plates in those circumstances and when the other child was at such a young age. You should have given your dd a different piece of the set with hindsight.

However your friend overreacted and shouldn't have tugged the toy back in the way she did.

So Yabu on balance but your friend was a bit U as well.

[ApocalypseThen]

No, I don't think anyone would expect a toddler to understand that. I would expect you to understand it, though.

[Fairenuff]

It's common practice to use lots of objects in one game, cars, dinosaurs, lego, dolls and all the accessories, etc. so whilst your dd might not have understood that she was using the two plates in her 'serving up' play you could see that she was and you really should have just distracted your dd with something else.

[MissHJ]

I kind of thing you was in the wrong here. Her dd was clearly playing with the kitchen and both plates and so I think you probably should have left her to it and distracted your DD. It's kind of you saying your friend was wrong but you pretty much did the same sort of thing. So I would honestly leave it.

[chillybits]

I wouldn't give it too much extra thought tbh just chill a bit, and encourage that in your friends by making light of toddler rationale.

For all you know you could have took the plate and the other little girl would have been delighted to have a playmate and started piling your DD up with food. On this occasion she didn't see it that way (neither did her mother!) and that's perfectly valid for a 1 year old too!

[TheWitTank]

This annoys me. The child was playing nicely with a set of toys using both plates to 'dish up'. YWBU to take away an integral part of her game to satisfy your own child. I try and see it from my point of view. I use the gym a lot -members obviously share equipment. But I wouldn't be overly pleased if someone came up and took one of my pair of weights I was using because they wanted it. You wait your turn. Your friend shouldn't have snatched back, but no, you shouldn't have taken the plate. You should have distracted your daughter with another toy until her friend was finished.

[BringYourOwnSnowman]

She was playing a game that needed two plates. A lot of play is copying what she sees around her and she sees her parent dishing up on more than one plate.

As such, taking one plate away was unnecessary - especially as you say there were loads of kitchen toys around that you could have distracted your dd with.

[squishinglittlefatcheeks]

It was not obvious to me that the two plates were integral to the game my friends dd was playing. Reading some of your responses I see now that it was her game as a whole. If I had realised this more at the time i would have verbally asked if she would let my dd join in rather than taking the plate. And if not then told my dd to wait.

However, like I said, I was annoyed that my friend tugged it out of my dd's hand. Not just a quick tug but an ongoing tug whilst my dd gripped hard. She is an adult. My dd is 20mths. She could have said to dd to give it back or asked me to give it back.

As much as my initial 'plate-taking' has annoyed some of you, I'm not sure why an adult using physical force to get a toy back doesn't annoy you too...

[Fairenuff]

Oh come on OP, you are still trying to defend yourself when almost every single poster has said yabu. What's the point in asking if you don't want to know.

It has been said that your friend was unreasonable to use 'physical force' (if that is indeed what she did) but your friend is not the one asking and, well, you started it...

na, na, na, na, na,

[squishinglittlefatcheeks]

What's the point in asking if you don't want to know.
because I'd like to be a little bit right at least Just trying to get everyone's attention back to the main question