To be a bit sick of dp's sensitivity when it comes to his kids?

[BlanketBan]

The topic of dp's kids is a dangerous minefield that I could well explode myself in with the most innocent of comments. I'm finding it so tiring, it's like he waits for an excuse to jump to his kids defence whether they need it or not.

Some examples ...

Me "what's that thing you've bought on ebay for?"
Him "it's for my DS! Oh sorry I forgot I needed permission to spend anything on my lads!!"
Me "err no, I just wondered because we normally tell each other about stuff we've bought"
Him "oh Jesus! What a bastard I am!! I never realised you were with such a twat!!" [ok let's drop it eh!]

"That unused tv that is sat in dss's room (MY old tv! that nobody is currently using!) I'm going to swap it with ds's little tv so he has a bigger tv for his new xbox"
Him "oh for fucks sake!! Why does everything involve poaching off my kids??"
Me " it doesn't, it's not their tv, it has simply being put in their room and is unused, doesn't even have a plug in there!"
Him "non you can't just keep taking off my kids! I won't allow it! It's not fair!"
Me "it's an unused TV!!! It was never theirs to begin with and they don't want it anyway! Don't be ridiculous"
Him "no it's just shitting on my kids yet again!"

Him "we need candles"
Me "what for?" (Bearing in mind this was Boxing Day band we have a few christmas candles around, I assumed he meant yo replace one of these
Him "oh my god!!! What for!!?? Errr my sons birthday!!! Jesus, what for indeed!"
Me "you're going to sit and make a 19 year old man blow out candles? I assumed to meant christmas candles!"
Him "oh my poor lads! No wonder I need to protect them all the time, someone has to! What candles for fucks sake, only the poor lads birthday!"

Is it me?? It's fucking exhausting.

[DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn]

Only when a wicked step mother comes on and talks about a situation with her DP/DH and his children do MNers all cry 'We need to hear the other side/there is more to this'.

Crazy friends, MIL situations, talk of cheating/abusive OHs are all taken as true on the OPs say so!

Never in the case of wicked step mothers!

Utter nonsense. It is said all the time on other subjects certainly not all the time on step parenting threads.

[mynewpassion]

Let's take each example:

example 1: ebay. Do you guys really tell each other and obtain permission to buy things every time? That's exhausting. Or do you tell each other significant purchases only? Was this a significant purchase?

example 2. TV. As its in their room, I would have said that we should talk to the boys about swapping the unused tv for your son's smaller one. Give them the reasons why from your OP. More a consideration instead of a unilateral decision.

example 3. It started alright but you ruined it by dismissing his son's birthday. At the minimum, a cake with candles to celebrate it. Even if there isn't 19 candles, a 1 and 9.

So, overall, both of you are at fault.

[DurhamDurham]

I was sort of with you until you dismissed his son's 19th birthday, I have two girls, 21 and 17. They both have candles on their birthday cakes. Heck I'm 44 and I still have candles on my cake. It did sound appear to be very dismissive of his son's birthday, like you hadn't given it any thought at all. Maybe he is fed up with your general attitude to his children, it's hard to tell. But I hope you both manage to sort it out because it sounds like an unpleasant and exhausting way to go on.

[Thymeout]

No - it's not you. His responses are extreme reactions to what sound like perfectly harmless questions.

There's obviously some massive underlying grievance about your attitude to his sons. Or what he thinks is your attitude, but may be coloured by guilt about his own actions.

But I don't like the way he's dealing with it. It's childish and nasty.

What's the backstory to this?

[exmoormare]

Hmm, my first thought is that he's using the children as a sort of protected bubble - like how criminals would go into churches in the olden days to avoid arrest/capture

I have known a LOT of people go with the 'I Have Children You Know' reasoning and it's annoying.

[minibmw2010]

I remember a post from the OP recently where she wanted to swap her DS and DSS's rooms and OP's DP got highly defensive. Don't remember how it ended but there's clearly a history here. How long have you lived together?

[wheresthelight]

your comment about the birthday was out of order and yabvvu for that

the rest sounds like he is being a complete arse! do you really want to stay with someone like this?

[aprilanne]

sorry but you are both at fault .i put candles on my 24 year olds cake .i think there is some history between you and his kids .he is not being a dick he is being a protective father .you cant put something in his sons room then take it back .and you said it was my tv ..the MY said it all really .he maybe should,nt be so rude .but neither should you .

[Aeroflotgirl]

There is nothing wrong with candles on an adults cake, I put candles on DH one

[WooWooOwl]

Something has made him feel extra protective towards his children, possibly his own guilt over something he has or hasn't done.

It's unlikely that this had come from nowhere. It does sound like hard work, but it's hard to judge whether he's being completely unreasonable just for the sake of it or if he's sensitive about his dc for an understandable reason.

Tbh, I'd rather see a parent who care about their children's feelings in a blended family situation even if they are adults than a parent who thinks their children don't matter when they are older and they are free to put themselves and their new relationship first in everything.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

You always namechange but it's such a familiar post, every single fucking time. He attacked your ds the last time you posted and you still come back nothing changes does it.

[DaisyFlowerChain]

I would what his version would be. He sounds like he has to stick up for his children so imagine there's a past or they don't get on with you etc.

Why does he have to tell you every purchase? He's an adult not a child. Likewise he can choose how he celebrates his sons birthday. The TV situation I would ask the child whose room it is in if they mind swapping, it's polite and shows you would take int account their feelings not just favour your own son.

[DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn]

His responses are extreme reactions to what sound like perfectly harmless questions.

To me, the OPs responses are also extreme reactions. I also wonder whether his responses are hyped up and hers played down, which is why I'd be interested to hear it from the other side.

[Mrsstarlord]

My 54 year old dh has candles and will continue to while ever we are married.
You lost me at the TV, I think YABU

[WhyYouGottaBeSoRude]

Is this the man who bullied his exwife into buying a playstation for their 19 yo son because HE wanted him to have it?

[Sparks1007]

Haven't you posted before? Your OP sounded like a creep then as well. Sounds far too much like hard work. He sounds like he feels guilty to me and is taking it out on you to make you out as the baddy.

As for cake and candles. I'm in my 30s. Haven't had a birthday cake or candles for years and years and years. Maybe since I was 12 or something. I think candles and cakes are a bit weird after a certain age. I would happily tell me OH that too. People are entitled to opinions.

Marriage/committed relationship doesn't mean you give up all your opinions and ideas. It's OK to disagree. It's not OK to be a bully and shout at your OH every time they don't agree with you in the way that OP's OH is

[PhaedraIsMyName]

You lost me at the first one.

I'm not in a step family situation but, assuming one of us hadn't gone completely mad and bought a race horse which is going to live in the back garden, I'd never expect to discuss how I spend my money with my partner , or vice versa.

[Anacoreta]

If he is a full of guilt Disney dad, you have all the right to be annoyed but even of he is not, and you have made him feel this way, it is time to talk go to relate before either of you ends the relationship.

Neither of you can live in such full of resentment environment for long.

[jasper]

I don't know if yabu in general.
you def are about the birthday cake candles

[Bulbasaur]

Yeah, I think a few pieces are missing here.

People don't suddenly flip at a perfectly rational conversation where the other person is remaining calm and reasonable unless there's:
a. a back story about why he feels like this
or
b. he's got some MH problems.

Seeing as how you sound annoyed and not confused in the slightest about non sequitur behavior, I'm going to assume there's a more logical backstory that we're not getting.

Me and DH don't discuss small purchases, but if asked when checking the bank statement that month we do tell each other, full disclosure and all that. We have a joint account so it does affect both of us if one overspends or doesn't watch what they purchase. Mostly it's just to make sure all purchases are valid and no one has gotten our cards, as that has happened before since we do a lot of online shopping. It's also to see where we can save better and do better budgeting for next month. Finances are a perfectly legit thing to discuss and it should be an open door policy on any questions or ideas.

As for the TV, you gave it to them for their room presumably when DS still had a small TV. Did they know it "was just being placed in their room" when you put it there? You can't just swap it because you feel like it. It does feel like you're giving the better stuff to your DS if you just take something like that. I may not always use everything DH gives to me, but that doesn't suddenly give him the right to decide I didn't use something enough so he's taking it back without consulting me first.

Birthday candles were out of line. If DSS usually has birthday candles, I don't see why you should call the shots on when he no longer gets them. I'm well over 19 and I still get candles, even if it's just one on a cupcake. My father had 50 individual birthday candles put on his cake (yes, it looked like the cake was on fire!) for his 50th. Half the fun of birthdays is blowing out the candles and opening presents after you eat cake.

It doesn't seem like you're giving his kids very much consideration. I can see why he might feel defensive. I highly doubt you were calm and composed, you probably got snippy right back with your voice tone and escalated it. It takes two to fight.

I'd start a serious talk with him on why he feels like his kids are second class to yours and listen to him when he speaks. I'm sure there's a compromise somewhere.

[lunar1]

I hope I never have to stop putting candles on my boys cakes.

[Dreadedsunnyday]

I think WooWoo speaks a lot of sense. Trying to filter through the one sidedness of this is tricky but he does seem protective of his sons, either because he feels they need it or because he's using it as an excuse to be a bit of a dick.

I'm very protective of mine, because I think they need at least one parent who is their rock solid champion. They are old enough to make their own decisions but will always need someone who is unequivocally on their side, albeit in an even handed way.

And the cake/candles thing was a little bit mean OP...it sounded like he was expecting you to read his mind so fair enough you can be annoyed that you didn't know which bloody candles he meant but really...19 year olds are just big children. They're not proper grown ups yet. And lots of grown ups need candles on their cakes too.

[youareallbonkers]

Clearly there's a lot more background to this. Sounds as though he us sick of the way you treat his kids.

[Kristingle]

He sounds really rude and aggressive

Does he usually talk like that about other subjects ?

[newyearsresolutionsnotforme]

Is he actually a useless dad or has been in the past? Because he sounds like he's overcompensating and trying to make you feel bad.

If he's really exhausting maybe it's time for the relationship to come to an end- he won't change.