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AIBU?

ILs dog and young baby

95 replies

Inbl00m · 28/12/2014 21:23

Dd is 4 months and MIL and FIL's dog seems increasingly interested in the noises she makes and nibbling her fluffy snow suits (while she's in them). The ILs laugh off this behaviour and FIL has been annoyed when I've asked if we can put the dog in another room so dd can play on her mat on the floor. I love dogs and have my own but feel really uncomfortable with MIL and FIL's attitude. Aibu?

OP posts:

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Andrewofgg · 02/01/2015 11:47

Well done OP and good luck to you and DD.

Inbl00m · 02/01/2015 11:06

Hiya, thanks so much for all the advice and don't worry there's no way I'm going to let dd anywhere near their dog, let alone to lie on the floor around him. Our dog is very good and has been socialised around babies and young children for years but even he isn't left in the same room with her alone or anywhere near when she's playing on the floor. He will happily snooze in his basket while she's on her play mat, or comes with me if I need to pop into another room/answer the door/grab the phone etc. I take dog-baby safety mega seriously which is why I'm so upset about how they're being. It really feels like dd's safety comes second to this dog. At the same time, I really DON'T want to upset the ILs as they have done a LOT for me and DH. DH is totally on board and has spoken to them, so hopefully that will help. If not maybe I will have to speak to them. The problem there is that they are very very different from my parents, and have always expected their own children to be submissive, so don't take kindly to me talking to them about stuff in my more direct style. It sounds crazy but I think they'd almost ignore what I was saying because they'd take against me confronting them on principle, if you see what I mean?

OP posts:

Andrewofgg · 30/12/2014 19:59

raltheraffe You are so right. My boss, a very clever woman, fifty and no kids, was talking about the three children she and her DH looked after over Christmas, Nice of them, I thought, till I found that two were her dogs and one was somebody else's. Possibly still nice of them but not quite the same thing, is it?

OP What fluffyraggies said. Your DD is the same age as my great-niece and I want to hear that you are keeping her safe and sod the ILs.

SargeantAngua · 30/12/2014 19:57

sounds like your lab has your dad well under her 'thumb'

Oh yes Sunshine, she certainly has!

fluffyraggies · 30/12/2014 19:42

OP please tell us that you aren't going to let your baby lie on the floor with the dog roaming round. And that if the dog isn't going to be shut away then the baby will stay in your arms or at home.

Only you haven't said anything along the lines of 'thanks, we wont be putting the baby at risk any more'.

You've said you'll 'try and get them to see', and that you'll 'try to sell it to FIL' and that 'it's hard' and you 'don't want to seem ungrateful', and that they've 'taken offense' and you don't know how to follow that up..

I don't want to sound bullying but - bugger all that! Your baby needs you to not let the dog bite it!

Viviennemary · 30/12/2014 19:28

YANBU. Don't even allow the dog in your house if you aren't happy. I wouldn't trust a dog around a baby lying on the floor.

Jodie1982 · 30/12/2014 19:25

Inbl00m have u spoken to your ILs at all?

Andrewofgg · 30/12/2014 18:47

Your baby matters; the dog doesn't, not in comparison. The baby's safety is all that matters, not the owners' feelings.

Keep the two apart and if IL's don't like it, well, what goes with Gomorrah?

0ddsocks · 30/12/2014 18:07

I have experienced a similar issue, and simply decided not to go around there if the dog was going to be around the baby.

Is your Dh/dp supportive of your concerns?

SunshineAndShadows · 30/12/2014 18:03

Yup plenty of dogs do the nose/head under the hand lift - mine try it when I'm reading or lifting coffee which doesn't always end well! They just see the hand and want to be touched! And most of us reinforce this by stroking - it's our dogs training us half the time - sounds like your lab has your dad well under her 'thumb'

SargeantAngua · 30/12/2014 16:14

Thanks Sunshine, that's interesting and makes sense, and is what I'd hoped was the answer. She never nips. Occasionally sticks her head around a newspaper to try and nose at a hand, and loves it if Dad sits on his hands, trying to force her head under his arm to get one. But this is only done in the most gentle of play, and only with the 3 people she loves most in the world. If she wants attention she's more likely to lie on her back wagging her tail and looking daft!

SunshineAndShadows · 30/12/2014 15:43

SargeantAngua mouthing can mean different things in different contexts depending in the breed and other behavioural signals that are being given. Retrieving breeds like labs are often quite mouthy and will often hold toys or hands gently. It's something they've been bred to do. I'd almost guarantee that when your lab mouths you respond by giving her attention/stroking etc and so you'll have unwittingly reinforced this behaviour. If it's not a problem for you I wouldn't worry too much
Conversely I have a very mouthy rescue dog (crossbreed) when I got her she was in a severe phase if attention-seeking mouthing and would nibble and nip at trousers etc. in her previous 'life' this was her only successful way if getting attention and I had to go through a retraining phase of totally ignoring quite sharp nipping and mouthing and praising quiet behaviour to stop it.

Xenadog · 30/12/2014 10:24

OP you don't have to justify yourself to your ILs. Their dog has shown worrying behaviour and so you are not prepared for your baby to be in the same room as it. That's enough. No further explanation required. Until the IL accept this is how things are going to be you won't be going to theirs and they won't be welcome at yours if they bring the dog.

I don't see why this has to be bigger than it is. If the IL don't agree with you (and they don't have to) then that's fine but there are repercussions. I would stop discussing this with them now and show them by your actions how it's going to be.

Hurt feelings and inconvenience are inconsequential compared to the welfare of my child and I say that as a dog owner/lover.

Inertia · 30/12/2014 10:23

Well, they have told you loud and where their priorities lie — and it isn't with your baby's safety.

You need to get tough now - don't visit them whiole they make the choice to put the dog's right to mouth / nibble ahead of your baby's right to stay safe.

If they visit you, don't allow the dog in.

By the way, is your own dog kept in a separate room when the baby is on the floor?

SargeantAngua · 30/12/2014 09:30

Can I ask again the issue with 'mouthing' - is whether it's problem dependant on breed of dog and situation? My parents have a really soft friendly 2 year old black lab who loves taking Dad/my/Mum's hands in her mouth, and also nibbling finger nails. Never any teeth involved (apart from the finger nails of course, but even that's done extremely gently). She just likes holding hands. Is that a retriever thing? She only does it to the 3 of us, and to my Dad - she's his dog primarily - the most. It's not something their 3 previous labs ever did though (one liked hands, but only because she was hoping one would come out of a glove so she could carry it...)

cabbageandgravy · 30/12/2014 09:09

Mmm. Awkward, as you are clearly right to worry but may need to find a way for them to change their attitude without 'climbing down' or feeling put upon (or.that the dog is being put upon!). Its as much about handling their feelings as it is about the facts, probably. But stick to your guns, as tactfully as you can!

Sheitgeist · 30/12/2014 09:02

Dog owning pro-dog parent here...

YANBU

Dogs (even nice dogs) and babies don't mix.

Stop going round until they see sense. Heck, even if they think it's fine they should be sensitive to your worries and discomfort.

Inbl00m · 30/12/2014 08:21

That's not a bad idea Boo, I hadn't thought of that. I guess we'd have to sell it to FIL in advance. He seems to have decided he's an authority on dog behaviour himself now! [Confused]

OP posts:

Booboostoo · 30/12/2014 07:12

Would it help if you got a behaviourist in to observe the interaction and explain it to your ILs? They may be more willing to accept the truth if they hear it from a stranger and may learn about other warning signs and how to prevent future problems.

Inbl00m · 29/12/2014 20:42

Thanks for the links sunshine and crap, might have to share those...!

Confused I know what you mean about dog hysteria (much of it fuelled by the media) but this dog was never well socialised, and didn't even live in a house and wasn't a pet until 4/5 years of age. Combined with his breed it just seems like a recipe for disaster...

Overslept that is really interesting about the laws being so different for different animals. Personally I'd want my animals to be on the right side of the law and try and make sure they always are because obviously they have no idea. Poor animals.

OP posts:

SunshineAndShadows · 29/12/2014 17:09

Confused your perspective is interesting but I'm not sure if you've actually RTFT or the OP properly? This is a coursing breed who is currently not being controlled and being allowed to nibble an infant and the dog owners don't see a problem with this.

Considering that the majority of dog attacks on babies are predatory as dogs do not recognise babies as people and Evidence shows that the majority of dog bite occur in the home by family pets. I don't think a recommendation to keep the dog separate from the baby is 'hysterical' especially as the dog's owners have shown that they are disinterested/incapable of controlling the dog adequately whilst in the room with the baby.

I speak as (non-hysterical) dog owner. I'm glad that your experience was different and you clearly have very tolerant dogs. I would be incredibly cautious if using that experience as guidance for the majority if dog-child interactions

overslept · 29/12/2014 16:51

I'd ask... how would they feel if the dog bit the baby and had to be pts? I wouldn't let my cat or old horse touch other peoples babies for exactly that reason.

Just as a point of interest, cats and horses are exempt from the laws that mean a dog could be put to sleep for biting. With a dog, the owner should be in control at all times, cats however are "free agents" and horses are known to spook etc. For this reason they will not be destroyed for injury to a person, also if a dog causes a road accident, or a horse for that matter, you can be taken to court, so really should have public liability insurance. If a cat causes an accident the owners are not held accountable. You are totally right in protecting babies and children from any animal, but it is interesting that the laws are so different.

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angelohsodelight · 29/12/2014 16:30

Never ever leave the baby alone in that house with that dog and the in laws. Not worth the risk.

Bulbasaur · 29/12/2014 16:29

I'd also bring up the fact that they are not cracking down on the dog nibbling on the baby. That sort of stuff needs to be nipped in the bud.

That would not instill confidence that they are being smart about how they watch their dogs or even that they take your child's safety seriously.

Stillyummy · 29/12/2014 16:18

I'd ask... how would they feel if the dog bit the baby and had to be pts? I wouldn't let my cat or old horse touch other peoples babies for exactly that reason.

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