Ongoing dilemma - am I being unreasonable, please help?

[FLPmummanumber2]

Hi all, I have never been on here before but really need to make sure I am not losing my marbles in the later stages of pregnancy.

I have been with my partner for over 4 years who had previously been married for a long time. When we met he assured me the marriage had been over a long time, however events that have followed have led me to believe he lied which i guess is by the by now.

We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter and I am due to give birth on 28th December. He has just started finalizing divorce details which has caused no end of upset in our relationship but glad we are finally getting somewhere. However I am definitely the blamed party from his ex's perspective and dont feel he has ever had my back and been honest about how we got together. They have 2 older children together 15 & 18 and after meeting last night to discuss their impending divorce he has told me this morning he is going over to his exes house Christmas day to see the children for a couple of hours ( I know it will be longer than this) and he hasn't done it in previous years. Given my stage of pregnancy and that we had agreed a 2nd Christmas day with his children and our daughter I am devastated that he could even suggest this. My immediate reaction was "your not going and leaving us" which has now resulted in a huge fight and I am deeply hurt.

He is a stubborn man and I have always been expected to roll over and elt him continue to play happy families there and if I dare say anything it results in a huge fight. He has never put me first and I don't think he ever will but for all of this I do love him and when we get on its great yet i am not willing to spend mine and my childrens lives feeling 2nd best and having to accommodate him playing the perfect man to the wife he walked out on.

If anybody has had a similar experience, I would really appreciate any advise on what to do or how i should respond to these ongoing hurtful scenarios.

[AllTheUserNamesAreTaken]

Yeah really brave youarerealbonkers, when you are hidden behind a computer screen. Would you have said that to someone in that manner in real life?!

[sliceofsoup]

I haven't read the whole thread, just the OPs posts.

OP, I have a friend who got with a man 18 years ago, when he was divorcing his wife.

They now have three children together, and his two older children are grown with their own families. From day one his priorities were quite clear, and even as they had one child after another, his priorities remained the same. His new family and his new wife were and are treated second best. His wife is constantly belittled and bullied in her own house by her step children and her husband, and sadly now too by her own children.

It is heartbreaking to watch, and it is spilling over into get togethers where we all sit there feeling uncomfortable while their drama plays out. The key in all this is the husband. It was all within his power to create a healthy balance, but instead he has purposely made this scenario. She should have left him years ago, but she didn't and now it is so deeply ingrained that I don't even think she realises how toxic it is.

Please don't still be there in even 5 years time, clinging on to a man that does not deserve you. He is making his stance quite clear to you here. Listen to him. It will escalate.

[Rebecca2014]

There is nothing wrong with him wanting see his kids on Christmas. What is the problem is he wants to leave his girlfriend and child at home while he does it.

Why cant he bring the teenagers to your house? Most likely because he wants to see his wife too. I have no idea why you decided to have a second child with a man who you admit never puts you first and who you had harassed to even get an divorce. What a mess.

[FLPmummanumber2]

sliceofsoup your message is along the lines of what I was hoping not to read but also makes me realise what I have accepted, it hasn't always been bad, trust me I would not have stuck around if that were the case. You just start to feel like your going mad and I always went in to the relationship with my eyes wide open and pride myself on being fair and putting kiddies first. Again thank you all for your comments (even the negative ones), hopefully we can sit down and discuss without any upset and an outcome that is fair to all the children and our family unit will be achieved.

[wishmiplass]

I think you sound very dignified OP. Good luck. I hope your DP can see the sense in making things work for everyone and, if he can't, I hope you have the strength to make some good decisions for you, your DD and new baby. xx

[MoreBonkersThanBonkers]

There are two very separate issues and I don't think they relate to each other. The fact he lied to you is awful and I would really struggle with it. However I don't think that is related to him wanting to see his kids on Xmas day.

There is no reason that he fact he wants to spend time with them on Xmas day means that he sees you as a 'second class citizen'. I would have thought it shows that he thinks of ALL of his kids as equally important. It's a good thing that he wants to see them. His ex wife and possible his kids too might have been too pissed off with him to see him for the last couple of Christmases. I think that your Immediate reaction of feeling angry with him was a misplaced. I also think that going to see his kids was probably more to do with seeing his kids rather than anything to do with his relationship with his ex wife. (Assuming there are no other things going on that you know about iyswim )

I think you should be angry with him for the lying etc but NOT for going to see his kids on Christmas day. It's not going to matter if he is out the house for a good few hours. (Unless you go into labour then that's a whole new thread )

[MoreBonkersThanBonkers]

Gosh, sorry for all the typos

[SpringBreaker]

Surely at 15 and 17 his teens are old enough to get themselves over to your house to spend time with all of you perhaps after they have dinner at their mums.

[SnowSpot]

It all sounds a bit of a mess and I feel for you OP.

But…imagine in 10 years time someone was making you feel guilty for wanting to see your DD or DS on Xmas day. I hate to say it, but separated families are, inherently, a fucking mess (I know, I've suffered from being a child of one where my parents didn't prioritise us) at times. Christmases are fragmented, emotions run high, compromises have to be made. And the ones who suffer the most are the kids caught in the middle.

I do feel that two hours is not that much to ask (even if there is going to be Xmas Part II). Put on Frozen for you and your DD (or whatever), tuck yourself up and be happy that although some of your DHs behaviour sounds incredibly shady, he is trying to be the best father he can be.

[slightlyworriednc]

Springbeaker...how wold a 15and17 year old ravel on Christmas day? There's no public transport where I am!

[maddening]

Could the older dc not come to you? Say you'll do them a nice stocking each? That would be totally reasonable.

[maddening]

It might cost extra but some taxis might run Christmas Day.

[SnowSpot]

But if the DCs come to them, then the other mum would be all alone on Xmas day… that doesn't seem very fair either, although perhaps she wouldn't mind?
I think I'd be pretty gutted if DH wanted my kids over to the OWs (unfortunately, that may be what you are in her eyes) house on Xmas day to be a big happy family. I guess that isn't the OPs problem, but the DH may feel guilt about that.

[WooWooOwl]

YABVU to be devastated that he could even suggest spending time with his children on Christmas Day.

It doesn't make you second best, it's doing something to make all children equal considering he hadn't spent time with his children on Christmas Day for the last couple of years.

I'm someone who spends time with my ex and our children all together on special ocassions, and it find it quite offensive that people trying to put their children first despite being separated is called 'playing happy families'. Your partner may be a shit for lying to you, but he isn't a shit for going to his children's home on Christmas Day.

[m0therofdragons]

I'd invite them to your house on Christmas day for a bit... or if dp insisted on going I might have "twinges" (I'm aware this isn't the grown up thing to do but I know what I was like when heavily pg).

[SnowSpot]

Motherofdragons, I'm kind of assuming you're joking? If she doesn't want him to go, she should say so now, out in the open like a grown up, and not play mind-games. The DHs kids will be waiting on Xmas day for the dad to arrive and be disappointed if he didn't then show up (although these are teenagers, they are still just giant kids), the OP would probably wreck her own Xmas by knowing she was being a liar, and the Dh would be caught in the middle. Hardly a happy chrismas for anyone.

If the twinges are real, that's a different matter.

[WooWooOwl]

The older children might want to be in their own house on Christmas Day? Why would they want to leave their own mother so that they can spend time with the jealous OW when they could have the small pleasure that is both of their parents being civil to each other for a couple of hours?

[Purplepoodle]

If I was 15 or 18 and my dad's gf was having another baby. I'd think I would want my dad all to myself or just me and older sibling. It must be hard to see your dad creating a new life. They may think u r great and love their half sister but perhaps they just want all their dad's attention for a few hours on Xmas day

[Purplepoodle]

Is there anyone who could join you xmas day or you pop round to a friend or relative whilst he's visiting? His kids might not be taking the divorce well. He's pretty rubbish if he hasn't seen his older children before on Xmas day since his youngest would have only been 11. On here he would be called crappy for that. Sounds like he is stepping up

[SnowSpot]

Have you also considered 'flipping' Xmas day? In other words, having your Xmas a few days early and just letting your DH had his first guilt free Xmas with his older children for the first time in 3 years?
As PurplePoodle says, you could have someone be with you for the day instead.
And before you say that it wouldn't be the same, that is exactly how his DCs probably feel about all of this too.

My grandma (bless her socks) always says - "Christmas in divorced families has to be a season, not a day".

[Frogme]

I think that the kids are old enough to have a relationship without their mother being involved. They can come over to yours or if they want special dad time he can take them out, without you.
He does not need to see his ex wife at all. If he insists this is necessary, then I would see that as a red flag.
It's worrying that he has never wanted to do this in previous years but he wants to do it after seeing her again to sort things out.

[MillionToOneChances]

woowoo find it quite offensive that people trying to put their children first despite being separated is called 'playing happy families'

I am a divorced child of divorced parents and I know for a fact that while your way - everyone together - may work for you it is not the only way, nor even the most common way to handle this. If OP's partner's children aren't relaxed enough in their father's home to enjoy a few hours with him and their sibling then that needs addressing. The solution is not necessarily for him to spend a few hours on Christmas day with his ex at her house leaving his current partner and youngest child alone. It might be better to persuade them to come round and make sure they have a brilliant time. The ex will cope; she's a grown up, not a toddler and presumably won't be 39 weeks pregnant.

Who do you and your ex leave home alone to spend time together? How do those left behind feel about it? And if you're not leaving anyone behind, is your situation similar enough to be relevant to OP?

[Marylou62]

Good advice Snowspot..just what I wanted to say too...Also because OPs child is so young, they wouldn't notice so much...but you know OP will go into labour on xmas eve....Best laid plans and all that....Not so dramatic and as important as this case, but I spend half a pregnancy in a dilemma ...but went into labour...

[maddening]

But it isn't a jealous ow - it is a woman who met a man as far as she know when his relationship had ended who is going to be left alone 3 days from her due date with a toddler.

[Purplepoodle]

Seems a good idea to have your Christmas on say boxing day with dd and your dp. We did this when my dc were younger and dh didn't make it home until boxing day.