Ongoing dilemma - am I being unreasonable, please help?

[FLPmummanumber2]

Hi all, I have never been on here before but really need to make sure I am not losing my marbles in the later stages of pregnancy.

I have been with my partner for over 4 years who had previously been married for a long time. When we met he assured me the marriage had been over a long time, however events that have followed have led me to believe he lied which i guess is by the by now.

We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter and I am due to give birth on 28th December. He has just started finalizing divorce details which has caused no end of upset in our relationship but glad we are finally getting somewhere. However I am definitely the blamed party from his ex's perspective and dont feel he has ever had my back and been honest about how we got together. They have 2 older children together 15 & 18 and after meeting last night to discuss their impending divorce he has told me this morning he is going over to his exes house Christmas day to see the children for a couple of hours ( I know it will be longer than this) and he hasn't done it in previous years. Given my stage of pregnancy and that we had agreed a 2nd Christmas day with his children and our daughter I am devastated that he could even suggest this. My immediate reaction was "your not going and leaving us" which has now resulted in a huge fight and I am deeply hurt.

He is a stubborn man and I have always been expected to roll over and elt him continue to play happy families there and if I dare say anything it results in a huge fight. He has never put me first and I don't think he ever will but for all of this I do love him and when we get on its great yet i am not willing to spend mine and my childrens lives feeling 2nd best and having to accommodate him playing the perfect man to the wife he walked out on.

If anybody has had a similar experience, I would really appreciate any advise on what to do or how i should respond to these ongoing hurtful scenarios.

[riverboat1]

YANBU OP. I don't think he should be leaving you and his child to go and be part of his old family setup on Xmas day to if it means leaving you and other child behind. Of course his older children are important, which is why as you say you had already planned an extra Xmas with them as part of your family. Or why he should bring them round to your house instead of going there.

My DP gets on well with his ex. They go together to their DS's parents evenings, have a coffee at drop off/pick up, we sometimes go on outings or have dinner altogether. But it would never occur to him to go round to hers on Xmas day leaving me behind. Nor would she want him to, NIR has DSS ever seemed anything but delighted with two Xmases in his two families.

Even if there was a really good reason for him to do this, like kids begging him or relations being awkward between you and them, he should have discussed it first with you.

[MillionToOneChances]

it's about having an uncomplicated and drama free co existence for the sake of our children's happiness

I completely agree that it's about the children's happiness. But he's leaving one child behind to spend tike with the others. On Christmas Day.

My ex and I co-exist in an uncomplicated and drama-free way. We do not spend Christmas Day together. We did spend some of Christmas Day together the first couple of years, but not once he had kids with someone else. It's not fun for me when it's his turn to have the kids for Christmas, but it's simple and uncomplicated and the children are happy. My sister and I were happy with a similar arrangement after our parents split when we were 14 and 17. Mum and Dad spending the day together for the sake of the kids is one option in some cases, but is far less appropriate when there's another family being miserably left behind.

[MrsHathaway]

The due date thing is mostly relevant because she'll be 39+ with a 2yo running around all excited. Even if we assume an uncomplicated pregnancy, it isn't fun being 39+ and you tend to be more tired than a non-pregnant person.

I agree the likelihood of OP's actually going into labour while he sits awkwardly in his STBXW's house with his resentful teenagers is very low.

[Purpleroxy]

But it's not about him going spending a couple of hours with his older kids on Christmas day. It's actually about him going back to his ex and kids and playing happy families, leaving his new very heavily pg partner and toddler alone. I think there would be no issue at all if the older kids were coming to his house for a couple of hours without the ex, the issue is this happy families crap and the OP being left alone on Christmas Day very heavily pg. I don't think he's putting his older kids first by doing this. He's putting himself first as that's what he fancies doing.

Op I'd ask him straight out for the truth about how you got together. It sounds like he was having an affair and it broke his marriage up. If he still lived with her when he got together with you, this is almost certainly the case.

[SnowSpot]

Can I also add the due date thing is pretty irrelevant too. Not many DPs can sit around waiting with baited breath for a month around the due date - sticking close to home etc. People still have to work. So yes, its a holiday, you are close to being due, but it sounds like the DHs other kids aren't too far away, so you can always call if you think you need to.

[maddy68]

I really think your over reacting. His children no matter how old they are are as important to him as you are! He wants, and they want to see each other.
That is right and proper

This is your issue in all honesty

[NewNamePlease]

Red flag for seeing his ex wife frogme? Seriously? because good co-parenting needs good communication. And what's wrong with a ex's being amicable for the sake of their DC?

[NewNamePlease]

You should be second best. His kids should always come first.

Why should they spend Christmas with OP just to see their dad? They might not feel comfortable in her house. They've not had him on Xmas day for the last three and you want to deny them a forth?

[WooWooOwl]

Who do you and your ex leave home alone to spend time together? How do those left behind feel about it? And if you're not leaving anyone behind, is your situation similar enough to be relevant to OP?

I think anyone with experience of a blended family is appropriate to give opinions when someone has posted on the internet to ask for them. And you are right, no one was left behind in my situation. There has been the odd couple of hours where not every adult is present but it's not about them, it's about having an uncomplicated and drama free co existence for the sake of our children's happiness.

[Purplepoodle]

Seems a good idea to have your Christmas on say boxing day with dd and your dp. We did this when my dc were younger and dh didn't make it home until boxing day.

[maddening]

But it isn't a jealous ow - it is a woman who met a man as far as she know when his relationship had ended who is going to be left alone 3 days from her due date with a toddler.

[Marylou62]

Good advice Snowspot..just what I wanted to say too...Also because OPs child is so young, they wouldn't notice so much...but you know OP will go into labour on xmas eve....Best laid plans and all that....Not so dramatic and as important as this case, but I spend half a pregnancy in a dilemma ...but went into labour...

[MillionToOneChances]

woowoo find it quite offensive that people trying to put their children first despite being separated is called 'playing happy families'

I am a divorced child of divorced parents and I know for a fact that while your way - everyone together - may work for you it is not the only way, nor even the most common way to handle this. If OP's partner's children aren't relaxed enough in their father's home to enjoy a few hours with him and their sibling then that needs addressing. The solution is not necessarily for him to spend a few hours on Christmas day with his ex at her house leaving his current partner and youngest child alone. It might be better to persuade them to come round and make sure they have a brilliant time. The ex will cope; she's a grown up, not a toddler and presumably won't be 39 weeks pregnant.

Who do you and your ex leave home alone to spend time together? How do those left behind feel about it? And if you're not leaving anyone behind, is your situation similar enough to be relevant to OP?

[Frogme]

I think that the kids are old enough to have a relationship without their mother being involved. They can come over to yours or if they want special dad time he can take them out, without you.
He does not need to see his ex wife at all. If he insists this is necessary, then I would see that as a red flag.
It's worrying that he has never wanted to do this in previous years but he wants to do it after seeing her again to sort things out.

[SnowSpot]

Have you also considered 'flipping' Xmas day? In other words, having your Xmas a few days early and just letting your DH had his first guilt free Xmas with his older children for the first time in 3 years?
As PurplePoodle says, you could have someone be with you for the day instead.
And before you say that it wouldn't be the same, that is exactly how his DCs probably feel about all of this too.

My grandma (bless her socks) always says - "Christmas in divorced families has to be a season, not a day".

[Purplepoodle]

Is there anyone who could join you xmas day or you pop round to a friend or relative whilst he's visiting? His kids might not be taking the divorce well. He's pretty rubbish if he hasn't seen his older children before on Xmas day since his youngest would have only been 11. On here he would be called crappy for that. Sounds like he is stepping up

[Purplepoodle]

If I was 15 or 18 and my dad's gf was having another baby. I'd think I would want my dad all to myself or just me and older sibling. It must be hard to see your dad creating a new life. They may think u r great and love their half sister but perhaps they just want all their dad's attention for a few hours on Xmas day

[WooWooOwl]

The older children might want to be in their own house on Christmas Day? Why would they want to leave their own mother so that they can spend time with the jealous OW when they could have the small pleasure that is both of their parents being civil to each other for a couple of hours?

[SnowSpot]

Motherofdragons, I'm kind of assuming you're joking? If she doesn't want him to go, she should say so now, out in the open like a grown up, and not play mind-games. The DHs kids will be waiting on Xmas day for the dad to arrive and be disappointed if he didn't then show up (although these are teenagers, they are still just giant kids), the OP would probably wreck her own Xmas by knowing she was being a liar, and the Dh would be caught in the middle. Hardly a happy chrismas for anyone.

If the twinges are real, that's a different matter.

[m0therofdragons]

I'd invite them to your house on Christmas day for a bit... or if dp insisted on going I might have "twinges" (I'm aware this isn't the grown up thing to do but I know what I was like when heavily pg).

[WooWooOwl]

YABVU to be devastated that he could even suggest spending time with his children on Christmas Day.

It doesn't make you second best, it's doing something to make all children equal considering he hadn't spent time with his children on Christmas Day for the last couple of years.

I'm someone who spends time with my ex and our children all together on special ocassions, and it find it quite offensive that people trying to put their children first despite being separated is called 'playing happy families'. Your partner may be a shit for lying to you, but he isn't a shit for going to his children's home on Christmas Day.

[SnowSpot]

But if the DCs come to them, then the other mum would be all alone on Xmas day… that doesn't seem very fair either, although perhaps she wouldn't mind?
I think I'd be pretty gutted if DH wanted my kids over to the OWs (unfortunately, that may be what you are in her eyes) house on Xmas day to be a big happy family. I guess that isn't the OPs problem, but the DH may feel guilt about that.

[maddening]

It might cost extra but some taxis might run Christmas Day.

[maddening]

Could the older dc not come to you? Say you'll do them a nice stocking each? That would be totally reasonable.