To be angry at dd's 'friend'?

[Evabeaversprotege]

Ds has a Christmas birthday, this year she becomes a teenager & asked for a party.

We decided we'd treat her & a some of her school friends to a day at the Christmas market in our nearest city.

She asked her friends (4 of them) & they thought it was a great idea, no final date set but more than likely Saturday 13th December.

She has one friend who is a bit bossy/controlling & likes to be the centre of attention (ds needs to see this for herself, I am aware if I point it out, she will be defensive)

Tonight she has received a message from said friend, sent to a group asking if they fancied going to the Christmas market the weekend prior to this.

Now I know dd doesn't have the monopoly on the Christmas market, but it was a special trip to mark her birthday. She has cried her eyes out tonight & I have said we'll work something out, do something else special.

The weekend suggested by friend happens to be a weekend Dh & I are away & the dc are staying with a relative so dd replied saying no, she couldn't make it. Friend replied saying "you HAVE to come!"

The plan for her birthday was DH & I would drive them up, take them to market, food etc

dd feels this has spoiled her birthday plans. She's not precious, neither am I, but this just seems rather strange. (The group of girls she messaged about the trip include the ones dd had asked)

I'm trying to stay out of it (I know her mother) but listening to my dd sobbing when she was so excited about her birthday is a bit upsetting.

[RoundRobinSparkles]

Aw, bless your DD. Being that age is tough - I remember well!

I wonder if the other girls will think "I'm already going to the Christmas markets for Eva's DD's Birthday, I don't want to/can't go twice!" Or maybe their parents won't let them go two weekends in a row [hopeful].

[BathshebaDarkstone]

The "friend" sounds like a spiteful little bitch. PP's suggestions of doing something extra like ice skating sound like a good idea. Let's hope your your DD blows out this "friend" sooner rather than later.

[FindoGask]

If all her other mates have already agreed to go on the 13th, it will look a bit odd for this girl to have asked everyone to go the week before as well. Can't your daughter just ask her why they all can't go on the day they'd previously agreed on?

[hiccupgirl]

I would def plan something additional or slightly different to make the visit you had planned special still.

But I would be wary of making your DD say anything to this 'friend' if she doesn't want to. I had similar at 13/14 and I did stand up to the 'friend' and tell them I wouldn't be treated like that. It made for a very difficult year at school as lots of other students then excluded me as I'd upset the popular person. I'm not saying your DD shouldn't stand up to her if she is ready to and I don't regret that I did it but it needs to be her decision because she will be the one dealing with the potential consequences at school.

[Tinkerball]

Hopefully your DD will discover soon that this girl isn't a friend. How nasty! What do the other girls invited think?

[curlycat]

It's all very well saying OPS daughter should stand up to her but when you are 12/13 it's not that easy. We've just come through those years and to be honest they were he'll on earth. I could have strangled our 'mean' girl daily and I must admit I wasn't too good at keeping my mouth shut about it!!
OP I promise you your dd will wake up to her one day and realise life doesn't begin and end with the actions of this girl. My dd is 14 nearly 15 and can now see exactly how our mean girl works. She's still friends with her but can see right through her and can deal with her.
I know it doesn't seem much help just now when you are in the middle of it teenage girls are a nightmare but hang on in there! I hope your dd has a lovely birthday whatever she decides to do

[happyhats]

I felt so sorry for your dd when I read this. Teen girls can be so mean. I had similar drama with a queen bee in my daughters group of friends. Daughter used to come home crying as queen bee took it turns to exclude various members instilling anxiety in them and keeping herself "on top". I spent quite a bit of time explaining that there were reasons she behaved like that and if she was happy in herself she wouldn't need to manipulate.
My dd is now 15 and her friendships have totally changed. Queen bee is with another group of girls and doesn't trouble our thoughts whatsoever. Hope this will be the same for your lovely girl ?? hope she enjoys her birthday

[Aeroflotgirl]

Dd should say sorry the plan was to go on my birthday, I can't go on that weekend. You are welcome to join me on my birthday when we go to the Christmas market. I woukd stick with the original plan if that's what she wants to do, if not bowling, ice skating Mabey

[Aeroflotgirl]

Just reassure your dd how lovely and wonderful she is. Tell her that she does not have to be friends with bossy girl if she does not want. Bossy girl us like that because she might have problems herself.

[Dancergirl]

I agree curlycat I think 12/13 is too young for parents to completely stay out of these issues. They need help and guidance navigating friendships.

OP, do you know the mothers of the other girls? I would be tempted to explain the situation to them rather than the bossy girls mum. If they're decent people, they'll tell their dds they can't go to the market that weekend because they're going there the following weekend for evas dds birthday. That will stop the bossy friend in her tracks.

[Evabeaversprotege]

Thanks everyone! This all happened late last night so dd hasn't been speaking to any friends yet.

Having slept on it, I'm thinking this has came about as dd hadn't sent any solid invite, just chatted about it in school.

And to whoever asked, we live very rurally, for dd to go with friends without adults we'd have to drive her 20 miles to nearest town, where they would get a train to the city (another 30/40 miles away) she hasn't don't this journey before & I'm not comfortable with the first time being at the busiest time of year when statistics are high for pick pockets etc..

If dh & I took them we'd be in the vicinity, not with them as such, but could at least take their bags etc & make sure they were safe.

I haven't dpoken to dd yet today, she's still asleep but last night was adamant that the market was off & she'd think of something else.

This friend is having trouble at home, her dad has remarried & has stopped seeing her, she's receiving counselling in school, dd doesn't want to upset her, dd describes her as "powerful" but when she came here to stay one night I felt she spoke down to dd & belittled her.

[Dancergirl]

OP, is your dd set on the market or would she be happy with an alternative? If she is really set on the original plan I would speak to the other girls mums as I suggested and try and get them onside. Why should your dd not have the birthday outing she wants because of one mean controlling girl?

I am angry on your behalf.

[ThrowAChickenInTheAir]

We've had a similar experience to Happyhats. Dd moved on. It wasn't easy at the time but oh boy it was worth it. She has lovely friends now. But we look back to a couple of years back with some very unhappy memories thanks to one or two horrible people.

It all gets so complex and upsetting. Why some girls have to play nasty games is beyond me

I think as you know the mother I'd say to her sorry dd can't come but thought they were set to all go on the 13th anyway for Dds birthday. Look a bit rather than annoyed. As if there's possibly been a mix up.

The mum may very well know nothing of the planned birthday trip. It could be just the daughter manipulating everyone and as far as her mum is concerned merely asking for a lift.

[gobbynorthernbird]

I sort of disagree with the majority of PP. If your DD hasn't sent a date (and therefore hasn't properly invited anyone), it's a bit unfair to ask the other girls to hang on indefinitely. With all due respect, it's not even anything that is extra special, just hanging round in town with knobs on and a bit of parent funding.

Also, Aeroflot, who or what is Mabey?

[Vikingbiker]

If you haven't sent invites out as yet and DD has only mentioned it as a possibility in passing in school then that puts a different slant on things.

[Vikingbiker]

Can your DD just text something like 'hi girls, was hoping to take you all to the Xmas market on the 13th. Mum planning to treat you to xx food. Let me know if you decide to go to the market on x date and I'll have a rethink about my birthday plans'

[differentnameforthis]

Also, Aeroflot, who or what is Mabey

Mabey = maybe. I am guessing, but my sister spells it like, because it's how she says it

[pictish]

Watching your teen go through friendship issues is hard isn't it?
I don't wish to be trite, but I do think these things are far more prevalent among the girls. My eldest son (13) has had some minor(ish) issues and they only arise when the girls in the group are involved. It's all psychological warfare .
I just remind myself that every incident is a lesson for my lad, and that he'll gain experience and wisdom with each one. So long as he claims and appears to be happy, I tell myself this will pass, and try not to get wound up.

I'm not 100% convinced this girl has done this to specifically overshadow your dd's birthday, as the market is for all at any time. She may be thinking "So what? We'll go twice!"

But then again, if your dd thinks it's a snide...it probably is. She would know.

Honestly, if it were me I'd shrug it off and pick another venue. Ice skating for example. The fun fair perhaps. A quick stop off at the market for food. I would resolutely not allow this setback to spoil things.

[Evabeaversprotege]

I also think it's the lack of a firm invite - dd said 13th but never actually got solid invites.

It'll work out - of the girls she'd like to go, 1 has had ice skating, 1 has had camping, 1 has had Segway event & 1 has had a pool party (summer birthday).

Dd is my eldest (I just have two) & I've never been through this before!

I'll get thinking cap on today & send proper invites.

[fuzzpig]

YANBU. I think you've learned for next time to do proper invites early, but I still think it's mean of the girl to arrange it when she must know it was on the cards for DD's birthday.

[TwinkleDust]

Why don't you phone the girl's mum? Say that you've got a bit of problem probably due to a lack of communication (!) and explain what the plan was and why? Presumably, there is some adult facilitating the other girl's plan, perhaps completely ignorant of stuff.

[Aeroflotgirl]

It just Meant the following options Mabey or something else. oh no firm invite, yes it was all a bit ambiguous and up in the air. Think of something else to do, firm invite, hope that dd instances herself from girl eventually. Oh I see she is going through some difficulty which çoukd explain her behaviour, but it's no excuse to treat your dd like that. Explain to your dd that she is going through a hard time at the moment.

[Bailey101]

Aeroflot, did you mean maybe?

[Nothavingfunrightnow]

YANBU at all. That was a nasty thing of the "friend" to do.