To be angry at dd's 'friend'?

[Evabeaversprotege]

Ds has a Christmas birthday, this year she becomes a teenager & asked for a party.

We decided we'd treat her & a some of her school friends to a day at the Christmas market in our nearest city.

She asked her friends (4 of them) & they thought it was a great idea, no final date set but more than likely Saturday 13th December.

She has one friend who is a bit bossy/controlling & likes to be the centre of attention (ds needs to see this for herself, I am aware if I point it out, she will be defensive)

Tonight she has received a message from said friend, sent to a group asking if they fancied going to the Christmas market the weekend prior to this.

Now I know dd doesn't have the monopoly on the Christmas market, but it was a special trip to mark her birthday. She has cried her eyes out tonight & I have said we'll work something out, do something else special.

The weekend suggested by friend happens to be a weekend Dh & I are away & the dc are staying with a relative so dd replied saying no, she couldn't make it. Friend replied saying "you HAVE to come!"

The plan for her birthday was DH & I would drive them up, take them to market, food etc

dd feels this has spoiled her birthday plans. She's not precious, neither am I, but this just seems rather strange. (The group of girls she messaged about the trip include the ones dd had asked)

I'm trying to stay out of it (I know her mother) but listening to my dd sobbing when she was so excited about her birthday is a bit upsetting.

[Evabeaversprotege]

Thanks all.

Dd changed her plans & printed invitation out last night, took them in today & handed them out, including to this friend (who didn't open it as she was angry at dd having given one to someone friend doesn't really like but who went to dd's primary school & dd travels on bus with her)

Dd said the market wasn't mentioned & if it is she's going to tell them to enjoy it but she had second thoughts about it for her birthday as it would be very busy & crowded (queues to get in today!)

Thanks for the perspective, I don't think friend is fully thinking it through, in fact I know she's having a hard time with her dad right now & mum may be trying a distraction exercise.

[Pilgit]

This may be a misunderstanding (for you DDs sake I hope so).

As to being condescending - this may h r a defence mechanism and a way for her to hide the fact that she is broken inside due to her home life. A bit of compassion and the benefit of the doubt wouldn't hurt. None of that though is an excuse for bad behaviour and she may just simply be acting like a bitch.

[TenMinutesEarly]

How about a day out followed by a sleepover? I agree that Manchester markets in December is hell on earth. Where in the country are you OP I'm sure we can come up with something fantastic for your dd.

[gobbynorthernbird]

Actually, cherry, because of the random capitalisation I had no clue what ice skating Mabey meant.

[cherrybombxo]

Areoflotgirl people keep asking because you've misspelled 'maybe' a few times. I don't know why it was necessary to point it out in the first place though, everyone knows what you mean.

OP, hopefully your DD thinks of something lovely to do that this horrible little girl can't ruin.

[SophiaPetrillo]

I'm probably projecting here because my DD had a very similar friend whom she no longer has anything to do with. She was bossy and controlling and no matter what was arranged, she ALWAYS had to mess it around somehow, or "top it", if she couldn't "top it" she tried to scupper it, very often in a "cut off nose to spite face" type of way. She drove me insane. They're both 17 now and the last straw was back in June when both were going to a rock gig which involved an overnight stay in a hotel and a train journey. I was organising it for them and every single thing I did, i.e. train times, hotels bookings, she objected to something or other, in the end they barely made the gig and had to leaved at 6am the next morning after being out till 1am, all because of her stupid nonsense. It was the last straw for DD and she's gone nc with her now. They were "best friends" from the age of 4 but all she ever did was manipulate and control, I'm so glad she's out of her life now. I realise I've rambled on without giving you a shred of advice, but your DD will hopefully see this girl's behaviour for what it is and not let her away with it anymore. Good luck OP and I hope your DD has a wonderful birthday, whatever she does!

[BarbarianMum]

Sorry, but if you haven't actually properly invited anyone yet then I think you are being very unfair to this girl. Who knows how clear your dd was that the 13th was 'the day' - maybe this lass understands your dd wants to go for her birthday and is trying to make it happen (in enthusiastic but clumsy fashion). She apparently is keen for your dd to go, rather than exclude her.

Unless there is more to this than you've explained here why not take things at face value, ring round the girls/their parents and sort out the 13th?

[Blu]

People afe very quick to write this girl off as 'nasty' manipulative' etc, but her eagerness to include the OP's dd does not suggest wanting to exclude her or anything.

Sounds more like 12 yp disorganisation and general 'not thinking' to me, and DD not having been definite enough with them all.

Talk to the parents, and get it arranged.

[tobysmum77]

if it's the city I'm thinking of I lived 12 miles from the centre and 25 years ago was only allowed to go in without an adult from about 13/14.

aarrgghh!!!! What a nightmare op feel really sorry 4 dd.

[ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks]

I really hope DD can find it in herself to ditch this nasty little girl from her friends. :( I'd be so upset....but I know how they work....and that it may be hard for her to get rid.

[knittedslippersx2]

I'd wait and see. Other parents may feel like you and not allow their children to go by themselves. In which case they will want to go with your dd.

[Aeroflotgirl]

It meant suggestions

[Blu]

I can see that this is upsetting for your dd and i hope she can sort it out somehow. But 12 year olds are hopeless at arrangements etc. and it gets difficult because at this age you don't have the same ability to sort it out amongst the parents . But 12 year olds are still gauche and thoughtless and don't know how to manage things.

Once you had settled the idea and date (and it is v close now) you needed to have issued a proper invite to all the girls and asked them to check availability with their parents and confirm .

The friend probably forgot the speculative and unconfirmed conversation your dd had with her, and how definite and explicit was your dd? That it was a small group and a birthday outing?

Is there another activity you can pick? Skating fir exams?

[pineapplecrush]

Lots of good advice offered here OP. I like Norfolk's idea of customising day a bit, ice skating, make over in a department store etc. I feel upset for your daughter, it mirrors a "friendship" my daughter had - could write a leaflet on the stunts her toxic friend pulled. My daughter stood up to her (better than I could do at said age) and they no longer see each other as moved to different schools. Toxic friend used to text her saying she had changed and could they be friends again.

Don't know if you have ever visited Christmas markets before? I went to Manchester 2 years ago, similar time, 2 weeks before Christmas, far far too busy for me. Another option might be a lot nicer but difficult I know, if your daughter's set on going.

[MokunMokun]

Maybe the friend was trying to be kind and help organise the birthday treat for your daughter? If a lot of people can't make it the next weekend perhaps she was trying to encourage your daughter to set the date for that weekend and had something nice planned?

[gobbynorthernbird]

Thanks, different and bailey.

[Nothavingfunrightnow]

YANBU at all. That was a nasty thing of the "friend" to do.

[Bailey101]

Aeroflot, did you mean maybe?

[Aeroflotgirl]

It just Meant the following options Mabey or something else. oh no firm invite, yes it was all a bit ambiguous and up in the air. Think of something else to do, firm invite, hope that dd instances herself from girl eventually. Oh I see she is going through some difficulty which çoukd explain her behaviour, but it's no excuse to treat your dd like that. Explain to your dd that she is going through a hard time at the moment.

[TwinkleDust]

Why don't you phone the girl's mum? Say that you've got a bit of problem probably due to a lack of communication (!) and explain what the plan was and why? Presumably, there is some adult facilitating the other girl's plan, perhaps completely ignorant of stuff.

[fuzzpig]

YANBU. I think you've learned for next time to do proper invites early, but I still think it's mean of the girl to arrange it when she must know it was on the cards for DD's birthday.

[Evabeaversprotege]

I also think it's the lack of a firm invite - dd said 13th but never actually got solid invites.

It'll work out - of the girls she'd like to go, 1 has had ice skating, 1 has had camping, 1 has had Segway event & 1 has had a pool party (summer birthday).

Dd is my eldest (I just have two) & I've never been through this before!

I'll get thinking cap on today & send proper invites.

[pictish]

Watching your teen go through friendship issues is hard isn't it?
I don't wish to be trite, but I do think these things are far more prevalent among the girls. My eldest son (13) has had some minor(ish) issues and they only arise when the girls in the group are involved. It's all psychological warfare .
I just remind myself that every incident is a lesson for my lad, and that he'll gain experience and wisdom with each one. So long as he claims and appears to be happy, I tell myself this will pass, and try not to get wound up.

I'm not 100% convinced this girl has done this to specifically overshadow your dd's birthday, as the market is for all at any time. She may be thinking "So what? We'll go twice!"

But then again, if your dd thinks it's a snide...it probably is. She would know.

Honestly, if it were me I'd shrug it off and pick another venue. Ice skating for example. The fun fair perhaps. A quick stop off at the market for food. I would resolutely not allow this setback to spoil things.

[differentnameforthis]

Also, Aeroflot, who or what is Mabey

Mabey = maybe. I am guessing, but my sister spells it like, because it's how she says it