To ask MIL not to send a letter from Santa this year, because I want to do all the Santa things?

[Selfishsanta]

Last year MIL sent DS a letter from Santa, one of those ones off the internet where you fill in the kid's name and what they want for Christmas and then they get a letter in the post. He had only just turned 2 so didn't have a clue about Christmas really, but he knew it was something exciting to get a letter in the post. She also did one for his cousin, who is a year older, and she understood and enjoyed it. It was a lovely thought and she is an adoring granny who is equally adored by her grandchildren. This is now the first Christmas where DS understands it all and he is already excited by all the Christmas stuff in shops.

I expect she'll want to do it again this year. However, I don't want her to, because I want all the Santa stuff all to myself! (By myself, I mean me and DH, but he's not that bothered with the practicalities and is happy to leave it to me). To me, Santa coming is such a fabulous and shortlived aspect of childhood and is a treat for me for being the person who goes in in the night all the rest of the year round.

I want to say to her, Do you mind if I do the Santa letter thing this year?

I know it's selfish, but is it unreasonable?

[sangfreude]

I've read your posts on this thread and I don't think your being unreasonable. I also think a few posters on here may well be mils themselves! You feel she undermines you and that you are an irrelelvancy to her in comparison to her feelings for her kids and grand kids. You've said you try to include her at all times.
Why the fuck shouldn't you create traditions with your own children around things you value and gain great enjoyment from, like santa?
Believe me, if you keep bending over backwards to accommodate someone who you feel doesn't value you, you will reach breaking point with her in years to come. Your feelings are totally valid.

[EachandEveryone]

OMG I only asked my sister yesterday if I could order my DN a letter from Santa or did she want to do it? As my sister is huge into Christmas I felt it was only right to ask her. Her reply was "as you have more time spare than me that would be great. Thanks" I ignored the little dig about me bring childless therefore having loads of time and money on my hands! The point is I wouldn't have done it without asking first and if she'd said no fair enough. There's loads of Chrismas things you can do for your boy. I'd let her have this one. And say thanks.

[Calloh]

God, I referenced Dizzy and kipper twice by both her fab names and meant Tinkerball

[Calloh]

I agree with Dizzy.

You're quite right Kipper that the roles are different but with some there can be lot of overlap.

Some in-laws want to do stuff with their GC that usually parents do (open stockings with them, decide on rules and appropriateness of present and undermine the parents' requests).

Some grandparents have never surrendered parental authority over their own children so it never occurs to them that this authority does not extend to their grandchildren.

[DizzyKipper]

*their

[DizzyKipper]

All the above is meant about situations were there can't be compromise btw and it's either one person or the other gets there way, just before people bring in the whole compromise thing

[DizzyKipper]

I think all this talk about grandparent/parent roles being different is ignoring the fact that whilst those roles may be different, the thing each person wants to do might be the same. To me if a GP has already gotten to do something with their own DC when they were younger then it would be nice of them to understand how special it is and realise that their own DC/inlaw may now want the chance to do it for their own DC. Unless it's not important to the parents, in which case it's nice for them to let the GP get on with it.

It's a concept that can be applied to quite a lot of situations isn't it? If my DD had been on the slide 10 times but another child hadn't even once I'd consider it fair for the other child to get to - unless the other child didn't want to, then my DD could keep going at her leisure. If there's an enjoyable task you have to complete at work that both you and another co-worker wanted to do, but she was new and hadn't got to experience it like you had, then it would be nice for you to step back and let her get on with it. I'm not concerned with how you want to phrase this, what matters is people hopefully being thoughtful and considerate of one another - realising who wants to do what, how much it means to them, and who's already had ample opportunity to do it. Ideally kindness prevails and the person it means the most to - or failing that if it means the same to both - the person who's gotten to do it less gets to do it.

Back to the OP - MIL has already had the opportunity to do it yes, but given it likely means more to MIL and DIL only wants to do it because she wants to do everything then the right thing is DIL stepping back. If it genuinely meant a lot to the DIL I'd have had no issue advising DIL to do it herself.

[Ericaequites]

I loathe the whole Santa concept, and would be thankful if anyone else would do that sort of thing.

[MagicMojito]

Yanbu at all.
I got the baggy belly and the stretch marks so I get first dibs on ALL the fun bits too. So there

[Nanny0gg]

CountryMummy1 - maybe you should read the OP's posts? She isn't selfish and unkind at all.

Oh - as to the video. I do the letter, the parents do the video in our family. It's not a problem.

[CountryMummy1]

YABVU, selfish and unkind. Why try to cause trouble and hard feeling over something so petty? She loves your child and wants to do something nice. My mum does lots of things for my children over Xmas and I do lots of things too. The children are adored and have a fantastic time. There are plenty of worse things to worry about in life believe me.

[hiccupgirl]

Your child can have more than 1 letter from Santa you know. At 3 he's not going to care that Santa has written him 2 or more. So your MIL could do her thing and you could have a lovely time with your DS cutting up catalogues and sticking a wish list together.

My DS is nearly 5 and Santa's elves have already collected 2 lists he's made and I think a 3rd is on it's way too.

[Tinkerball]

I don't understand why people hate the phrase "they've had their turn" - it's true

Because I dont see loving a child and being involved in their life as a competition simply, the more family and other people that love a child the better. Its always used here in quite a nasty way to....its not about taking "turns" either, the role of Grand parent is completely different from parent, no-one can change basic facts.

[outtahell]

YANBU, your kid, your rules. You do all the hard work of being a parent, so you get first pick of the fun bits.

[batmanandrobin]

can't you both send a letter. you're then both happy as involved and let's face is dc will be chuffed he's so popular?!

[26Point2Miles]

Xmas isn't for you anyway op! It's the child in all this that matters

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I guess 'they've had their turn' is appropriate in some circumstances - where the grandparents are trying to parent the children/usurping the parents parental role.

But it is pretty dismissive and unkind, when used of grandparents who want to have a good grandparental role in the children's lives. I do see the two as being different.

[Calloh]

I don't understand why people hate the phrase "they've had their turn" - it's true.

There is a difference between grandparents and parents.

Different people have different views on where these roles fall. But just like there are controlling DILs and SILs who horribly block the grandparents - which is awful. There are also controlling grandparents who view grandchildren as a second chance. Some people do have genuine patriarchal and matriarchal ideas about heads of families and try and undermine.

[Selfishsanta]

Don't panic Hakluyt, I'm not going to try and upstage her with a video.

Daisy, where have I said we expect childcare from PIL? We don't. It's been made very clear to me that she's not interested in helping me out.

[PandasRock]

I can't believe anyone would even suggest that the OP lets her MIL do the letter, because then she'll be able to trump it with a video, and render Granny's lovely thought pointless. How cruel.

I am by no means perfect, but some of these suggestions are way beyond normal reactions to a GP wanting to do a nice thing for her grandchildren.

[DaisyFlowerChain]

I hate it too Tinkerball, it's amazing how many expect childcare etc from grandparents but then deny them the tiniest of things as they want to do it themselves. Some DILs must drive their PIL crazy being so petty.

[Tinkerball]

I detest the "GPs have had their turn" phrase, in reality it's about normal GPs being part of their children and grandchildrens lives, nothing wrong with that at all and not a question of taking over and trying to be a parent again.

[Hakluyt]

"OP I'd let her do the letter. You can do a video message from Santa on portable North pole. Much more exciting than receiving a letter.
They're brilliant as you add photos and lots of personal information."

I hope you don't do this, OP- it would be very mean.

[snozzlemaid]

OP I'd let her do the letter. You can do a video message from Santa on portable North pole. Much more exciting than receiving a letter.
They're brilliant as you add photos and lots of personal information.