AIBU to believe that parents are NOT "supposed" to help put older children?

[bellarations]

I mean it's great "if" they can, and if the want to, but it's rather rude to assume parents "are supposed" to help out financially or otherwise once their children have reached adulthood.

[KnackeredMuchly]

By the time my children have had children. .. I will have already had my children. I don't want to get into an arrangement where I feel obligated to lookafter my grandkids even if I am poorly, wanted to go on holiday, or fancied sleeping for the day

Obviously if my child was absolutely desperate for free childcare I would - but to save them money even if they weren't desperate, no.

I want to lead my own life - not be tied down just because they think I have nothing better to do and should enjoy it because I'm a Grandma.

I see my step-mum being used as free flexible childcare, and I think it takes the piss.

[TheLovelyBoots]

I'll do whatever it takes to help my kids cross the threshold into adulthood, which isn't necessarily 18 or 21 or even 25. They didn't ask me to bring them into the world, it was my choice.

I don't see the benefit of not helping your children out, so long as they're working hard towards a sensible goal.

[Quenna]

I'm very conscious that I had things a lot easier than my DCs will. I had a full grant for university, property was cheaper so bought a house when I was 22, getting a 95% mortgage at a low rate etc.

I will help my DC out whenever I can as long as they need me to. I think a lot of young people are struggling for housing, jobs etc, esp in the south east.

My mum would still help me out now if I needed it. We are a big family and we all help out with whatever needs doing eg childcare. It works as long as no one takes the piss, which so far, they haven't.

[addictedtobass]

I think it depends what you mean by 'older children'. My close friend was told on her 16th birthday to get out and sort herself out. That was really fucking shitty and she had no warning. A 30 year old expecting freebies- yes unreasonable.

[addictedtobass]

I agree though for adult children, it is rude to assume however if one child for example is constantly helped out or given handouts then it's not surprising another may presume and be surprised if no help or support is given- aka favouritism.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Jengr my parents don't live near enough to childmind, plus they are retired and wanting to go on holidays etc and generally relax. They have always been very clear that they would never be prepared to be our regular childcare. In the end I never went back to work after DS1 so I've never needed that level of help from them.

They have a wonderful relationship with my DCs, we see them regularly and they do babysit for us sometimes.

They helped me buy my first house, are putting away money for the DCs university fund already, and are planning to give us another lump of cash when we move house. They are also a huge source of moral and emotional support to both me and DH and we value that hugely.

[bellarations]

Thanks for your interesting replies.
My parents have nothing to give as a result ive never expected anything.
I know people whose parents have money and they think it's their right to benefit because parents are "supposed to help".
I don't agree, and am interested in what others think.
I agree with those who implied it's about attitude, if adult children appear to expect it, that's very rude and self entitled.

[Liara]

It depends on the kind of relationship they want to have, and their ability to help without compromising their ability to live independently in their own age.

My mother has always been willing to loan me any money she had available whenever I needed it, on the understanding that I will give it back as and when I need it. I hugely appreciate that, and it does make us closer in that I am grateful for both the help and the trust. When we have been able to, we have been generous to her and will make sure she wants for nothing when she is old.

She doesn't help too much with childcare as she lives in a different country, but is more than willing to come and visit at times convenient to us so she can give us a break.

Dh and I are making provisions for helping the dc in terms of them being able to study what and where they want, possibly for a deposit for a first home if we can (not if they move to London and prices continue as they are though!), but we are only going to provide as much as we can without beggaring ourselves.

We will do as much childcare as we possibly can given whatever the circumstances turn out to be when they have dc.

[MissBattleaxe]

I agree with you OP. If your parents want to help and can help, then fine, but we shouldn't expect it or feel entitled to their money as our birthright.

Parents should not ever be given a hard time if they are unable to help or have their own financial commitments.

[Apatite1]

No parents aren't obligated to help out adult children, but mine did and if I have kids, I'd be happy to do the same for them.

[blackheartsgirl]

My mum does nothing for me. Oh will grudgingly have the odd child over night occasionally usually when she wants me to have her dog so she can go out on the piss with her latest squeeze

[Nocturne123]

I don't think it should be expected but if you want to do it then do it .

My parents have helped me loads financially and I intend to do the same for my own kids if I'm lucky enough to be in a position to do so.

[ElkTheory]

No, I don't think parents are obliged to help their adult children financially. Moral support and emotional support, yes. Money? No, not unless they are genuinely in a position to help and wish to do so.

I've been financially independent my entire adult life. My parents did help me financially through my university years, for which I am extremely grateful. But from the age of 21, I paid my own way and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I certainly wouldn't have expected my parents to pay for a house or car or wedding or anything like that. However, if I had ever encountered a true crisis or emergency, I have no doubt that my parents would have done everything in their power to assist me.

One of my brothers still asks for money from my now widowed mother. I find it appalling. He is older than me, completely healthy and capable of earning his own living, but he still expects our mother to help support him.

[lomega]

I hate entitled adults when it concerns inheritance or their parent's money.

Like 'oh when my dad dies, I'm going to get this much £'. I think it's crass and insensitive to talk about inheritance when the person in question is still alive, or you don't appreciate that someone has died in order to give you an inheritance in the first place.

Example one, a "friend" often says that she's annoyed her dad spends all of his spare cash because he's "pissing away my inheritance." Her dad is in good health in his early 50's and works fucking hard for a living - I think her attitude is disgusting. She has 2 dd's and spends all her time up the local pub and doesn't save for them, so she's also a hypocrite!

Example two, another "friend" popped over to see me the other day after her nan had died and I was expecting to cuddle her and for her to be crying/upset...I was ready to be the supportive friend with the tea and tissues. But oh no, she rolled in bright and breezy, despite the fact her DGM had died horribly under bad circumstances, because "I'm going to get about £15k".

Just what?! In what way is this ok?! sorry for the rant but this kind of thing boils my piss! I'd much rather have my lovely parents around forever to see my DS grow up and have his own kids etc than any money in the world. :(

[MissBeehiving]

Both my own and DH's parents were and are quite well off from family money. Neither of us received very much help or assistance from them during the time we both needed it, when we were young and we didn't receive any practical help either. In the last few years DH's mum died and we inherited a very large amount of money which we have invested for our children so that they can have it a bit easier that we did. I really don't understand why you wouldn't help your family out if you could.

[upduffedsecret]

to be honest, it's never sat right with me that parental income is involved in uni funding etc... once you're over 18, they are under no obligation and not everyone has parents who will pay out.

[Mehitabel6]

I have older children, I help them out if necessary- I can't see why I wouldn't ( or what it has to do with anyone else)

[Sothisishowitfeels]

My grandparents helped my parents a lot both with time and care and financially. My mum died when I was a teenager and my dad has never been big on help in fact I only see him once a year for a few hours really.

Because of this I know I will help my dcd in any way possibly no matter how old - I have experienced being alone with no one to turn to and its shit.

[VoyagesOfAStarship]

Totally agree Iomega. When some one is still alive it's their money, not anyone else's entitlement! I hate it when people talk about "their" inheritance being used up etc.

[Mehitabel6]

My children don't not expect an inheritance but it is nice to help out. It is a much better way than when they are young. I think it a waste of money to spend a lot in a baby when they don't care and you can get a lot of stuff second hand. Much better to save the money until they really need it.- generally when 18 yrs for university.

[Mehitabel6]

A bit pointless these days for anyone to talk about their 'inheritance' - it is quite likely to go in care home fees!

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

My parents helped me when I needed it. Now that my mum is elderly, I don't want her to be stretched by financially helping me out. I can manage.

I helped out adult DD, and she came back and lived with me for a number of years (and I provided childcare for her for awhile), but she is now with a partner (who I detest, but that's another story) that is financially well off, so she doesn't need financial assistance (thank goodness, as I am in no position to offer it at the moment!).

I think you just do what you can when you can for those in your immediate family that need it. But I don't believe anyone OWES anyone anything.

[whattheseithakasmean]

I think there is a societal shift. The minimum wage for young people is lower (certainly not enough to live on) and there is a move to take away Housing Benefit for anyone under 25 (so you have to live at home).

So on the contrary to the OP, I think society now expects parents to look after their children until well into adulthood.

[Mrsstarlord]

I see so many grandparents being taken advantage of in terms of looking after grandkids. Either every day or for weeks at a time. Some of them are physically frail and struggle to cope but their children either don't notice or don't care. It's so sad, sometimes the grandparents don't feel able to say no, less often they don't want to say no. I once sat with a woman in a playground who was practically in tears, in pain, tired and struggling to adapt to the death of her husband but was looking after 3 lively kids under the age of 8. She found it so hard but didn't want to let her daughter down - she'd looked after all of the kids from birth (including one who was now 20 and one of the 3 kids was the 20 year olds) Turned out I knew her daughter vaguely, daughter thought everything was great and grandma loved it. People can be selfish even when they don't mean to be