AIBU to believe that parents are NOT "supposed" to help put older children?

[bellarations]

I mean it's great "if" they can, and if the want to, but it's rather rude to assume parents "are supposed" to help out financially or otherwise once their children have reached adulthood.

[WhimsicalTwattery]

I'd like to do for my DD what my parents have done for me.

My parents looked after DD 2 days a week as this helped reduce the costs of nursery fees (I worked full time).
Now I work full time term time only. This fits in with DD who is now at school so I don't ask my parents for much in the way of childcare now.
They still take DD to school 3 times a week which means I can get to work earlier, therefore build up enough flexi to leave early at least once a week to collect her from school.

They would be mortified if they thought that we were struggling so they offer help. Sometimes we need it, other times we can say 'no thanks'.

Financially they help out. I am an only child and as a result parents do spoil me, DD and DH. they have paid for the last four holidays we have been on (3 foreign, one in the UK). They insisted that they pay for them, which has saved us over £6k.

I just hope that I can do the same for DD when she is older.

[mix56]

Are we talking about money ? Depends if you can afford it. I love helping my kids. I won't be taking it to my grave, if they inherit half will go to the state.
I'd rather help them now & see them happy, & feel the appreciation.

[upduffedsecret]

my mother can't help me. And in the past, she wouldn't, including when I really NEEDED help and she was in a position to do so. that one's hard to forgive.

I'm afraid that as she ages I'll take the same position to her "needing" my help. What goes around comes around.


I'm 40, my eldest is 4. I'm not in good health. I suspect by the time my children are old enough to be having children I won't be in a position to childmind regularly. I would though, because I love them, if I could.

[Blossomy14]

I have been having this discussion with my Dad recently after losing Mum couple months ago. He wants to give away much of his money now - I have said I don't want a penny. I never expected any of their wealth and certainly do not wish to profit from the loss of either of them. He tells me they had a great life as baby boomers and now he wants to look after his family. We too had a very skint 1970s childhood but in later years as circumstances improved they have been v generous to me, especially since a hideous divorce.

I think it is not his job to look after his children as we are all now middle aged. He worries if he doesn't give it away now the tax man will take much of it and he wants to share his good fortune and make our lives better. Receiving any money from him makes me feel v uncomfortable tbh.

I dunno what the answer is really? It does seem that my Dad having plenty of money is a huge problem to him - he worries about it all the time - I don't envy him tbh.

[frankbough]

The inheritance issue is about keeping wealth within the family rather than giving it all back to the banks, generation rents children may well be very very poor in comparison to their parents..
My parents have a very much "stand on your own two feet" philosophy which me and my brother haven't minded but talking to my parents recently they do have some regrets over being like this with money.. Although we didn't have much as a family when we were younger anyway..

Money brings opportunity and opens up different avenues and can make life smoother which is why I'll be as generous as I can with my daughters..

[Hotbot]

Le petit it's not saintly principles it's genuine care and concern and doing the right thing. I am sure if I were the kind of person to take advantage my parents would let me know soon enough. It seems we have very similar parent/ child relationships and imam sure that like you t
Agents you,would do the same for your children , I know I would

[LePetitMarseillais]

Lucky you Hotbot.

As my mother is the best carer bar me and dp for our dc and she cares about them as much as us I put my saintly principles to one side and have chosen what is best for them.

We could ask for money but don't,doesn't mean we haven't accepted the odd bit of help such as swimming and piano lessons as again it benefits out children.

Our dc come first for all 4 of us.I am lucky in the parents I have.

[Hotbot]

My Parents would help us out endlessly if I needed it whether it be financially or with child care,they are not rich but would give me their last quid.
BUT
just because they would doesn,t mean I should accept. I guess they brought me up well.

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

I encouraged dd to find her own childminder for a number of reasons. I don't want her to be reliant on me. She could afford it, and I didn't want to be tied down all the time to it. It also created some friction in our relationship as she had unrealistic expectations, and I felt it better she learn that they were unrealistic by hashing it out with a paid childminder than me.

I helped her financially when she moved back in with me for a few years when her relationship fell apart and she was pregnant and until her ds was 3yo. But again, I can only help so much, and to be honest, sometimes the best the help you can give someone is to encourage them to stand on their own (when they're capable obviously). People learn from struggling to some extent, as they learn from making mistakes. When she moved into her first place with her ds, rather than give her money to buy new furniture, I helped her find affordable secondhand furniture and gave her lots of information on moneysaving and helped out in other ways. I'm not financially well off, so it wasn't like I could just hand her over the money anyway. But I think helping her access information on budgeting better, helping her find affordable options so she could stay within budget made her more independent and helped her much more than just handing money over to her anyway.

[LePetitMarseillais]

My parents help out a lot- why on earth wouldn't they?

[LePetitMarseillais]

Maybe not but then it goes both ways.

If older generations aren't going to help out the younger generations then the younger generations shouldn't be expected to help out the older generations ie stop funding universal benefits many don't need,pay less tax so we can pay more into our pensions and uni fees for our kids,stop propping up property rich but cash poor baby boomers,pay less NI as the maj is spent on the elderly etc,etc

The younger generations are having to work more for less.We have less time,money,benefits so if it's every man for himself perhaps we should act accordingly too and put the younger generations first.

[Cat2014]

I think it's sad when parents who are able don't help out, regardless of the age of their children. The thought that when ds is a certain age I would come over all - 'that's it, fend for yourself now boy' abhorrent.
I know that encouraging them to make their own way, and be independent, from an early age is a good thing. But as long as they are doing this, and they need any help at all, I will be there for them. The economic situation is different now for many families and I don't think it's fair to say 'we never had help so you won't either' - it may well have changed again when ds is older and we will adapt accordingly.

[sandgrown]

My 34 year old DS is going on his first big holiday for years after relationship breakdown etc. I know it has been tight financially and though I don't have much spare cash I still want to give him some "spends"! However old they are they are still my children

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

I did regular childminding for awhile with dgs, and I have to say that I prefer visits with him instead. When childminding, dd fully expected me to reinforce her (quite frankly ridiculously rigid) rules for him... which I still only did if they suited me and the 2 dcs I still have at home. (for example, no tv afterschool - seriously? I have 2 other dcs who wanted to chill out with a bit of tv - dd expected me to either turn the tv off completely or make her ds go sit in the other room - soooo not happening)

With visits, I could spoil him a bit without her saying much, as it wasn't every day like it was with childminding.

[Perfectlypurple]

My parents are in their 60s. When we were growing up we were poor. Free school meals, no holidays and few expensive days out. Now they are older they are comfortably off and give me and my brother cash gifts fairly regularly. It gives them pleasure to do this. Both me and my brother have always worked from a young age - if we had not worked hard they wouldn't be so generous with us.

[Lovelydiscusfish]

I think if you love someone (whether they are your parent, your child, your sibling or whatever) and they need your help, and you have the capacity to help them, then of course you would. Otherwise how can you claim to love them?

[GaryShitpeas]

Yanbu

My parents are fairly wealthy but I would never ask or expect anything from them

I make my own money (not much ha) and work hard so why should they subsidise me?

[Mehitabel6]

I haven't got any grandchildren yet but if I do I shall be quite happy to babysit but I am not childminding on a regular basis. I had 10 years, in total, looking after my children full time, I enjoyed it but don't want to repeat it.

[80sMum]

I can't believe that some people on this thread wouldn't do 'childminding' for their grandchildren

^^ My grandchildren live an hour's drive away. I work full time. It's difficult finding the time to see them at all, let alone making a regular commitment. When I do eventually retire (a few years away yet) I don't intend to become a child minder! Occasional visits are fine, but a regular 'job', not.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

From an inheritance tax pov it makes sense to pass the money down during your lifetime.

Exactly. I can't understand people who'd rather pass their money to the government than their own kids. When DH's parents die his tax bill will be bigger than our mortgage. Crazy

[whois]

Not 'supposed' to, no.

Generally if I go out to eat with my parents though they'll pay. And if I drive back home to visit dad will take my car to the garage and fill it up! I think parents just like to look after their children.

[cleoteacher]

My parents have helped me and my dh considerably and we would not be in the position we are now if it wasn't for them. They have given us a substantial amount of money twice to buy property. Without it I think we would never have got on the property ladder. My df believes property is an investment and his view is that property is so much more expensive then it was in his day as he says. I think he would rather invest it that way than pay it in tax or inheritance tax.

Anyway, we didn't ask for it and feel bloody lucky my parents are in a position to do it but didn't feel they had to do it though.

I would like to do the same for my children.

[bellarations]

Changing ... In answer to your question, i think it's such a sad reality that lots of people (older children) dont feel motivated to help out their ageing parents because they have been shitty parents in the first instance. This is definitely the case for me. In caring, mutually loving and beneficial families, yes absolutely children should look after their ageing parents where possible, I mean really possible. Not just an inconvenience is felt.
I see in answering honestly I have double standards!!! Perhaps I need to think about it not being such a bad thing to help adult children after all. it's about attitude, as many have said, not being a expectant or greedy.

[maninawomansworld]

I think it depends on family dynamics really. There is no automatic right to expect your parents to help you out financially, however in my case I'd have been more than a little miffed if my parents hadn't helped me.

I was brought up being told that 'one day we will pass all this on to you' ('this' being a huge farm, big house and a couple of other properties and businesses). Because of this promise I worked for my father for free as soon as I was old enough to be of any use on the farm. I'd work before school, after school, weekends, I worked when I was home from college and chose my college courses / work experience to set me up to be able to take over.
If at the age of 30 my father had said 'sorry son, we've decided to sell up and vanish to the Caribbean forever' I would have been more than a little annoyed as this would have gone back on a 30 year promise.

I guess if I was a nightmare son it would have been a different story - and rightly so.

[changingnamegame]

My parents have helped me and my siblings massively,I will be eternally grateful.However at no point did I ever assume they were 'supposed' to.There would have been no hard feelings at all if they hadn't.
I wonder OP whether you feel children should feel obliged to help their parents in their elder years?Given the lack of care home places etc. I know I would do it in the blink of an eye for my parents (with or without the financial help they have given me!) but I doubt all my siblings feel the same.
It just seems a bit sad that everyone feels cross about 'having' to help others out these days.Fair enough if your family is toxic and made your life hell,you may feel differently,but otherwise why shouldn't we all be happy to help each other out when we have the means and we can see someone in our family is struggling,(and probably in general but that's another debate).