Facilitating phone calls between ex and dc

[pantone363]

Ex usually phones once a day to speak to the DC. It can be anytime between dinner and bed, sometimes after, sometimes no phone call for days. To be fair the majority of the time he does call and its usually between 6-8pm.

He will usually call my phone, I answer (but don't generally speak to him just call the nearest DC to say goodnight and they pass the phone to siblings when done)

We've had another mammoth falling out this weekend (I won't go into details other than to say it has nothing to do with the phone calls).

However he has text to say he will no longer be calling my phone to speak to the DC as he wants no contact with me. From now on he will be calling DD's phone. He wants me to ensure it is charged and available to them when he rings (from past experience anything less will result in accusations of keeping the DC from him).

Last night DD was doing homework and DS and other DD were playing lego when he rang. I called to DD 'you need to answer your phone daddy is calling'

DD: yeah in a minute (she was doing homework)

Me: no you need to get it now or you'll miss the call.

I also called through to the other DC and they said yeah wait there/no i'm playing.

Not one of them made a move to pick it up or to ring back afterwards despite me reminding them that they had missed his call.

Ex then text saying its not ok for me to use the kids against him and i must ensure they speak with him on the phone when he calls.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and if they don't want to answer then he can take it up with them? Or since I answered my own phone when he rang do I just answer DD's and make them come to the phone?

I feel so caught up in all this petty crap i can't see what is bloody normal anymore.

[Waltermittythesequel]

Put it all in an email.

Tell him you need him to confirm it. If he doesn't confirm it, you're not sending them for access.

Now, this has absolutely nothing to do with teaching him a lesson or putting him in his place or whatever.

But if his behaviour starts adversely affecting the dc's lives (ie school and dentist appointments) then it's not in their best interests to have visits with him.

[Greengrow]

Yes, get it in an email. My ex has not called the children once in about ten years so I do not have that issue but since the youngest were about six he has chosen only to communicate with them not with me which I think is pretty rude but that's his choice. They are quite bright and could access email at age 6 - 7 so it has worked okay. I have played no part in their contact and nor has he asked me to.

If he wants yours to answer their phones then he needs to persuade them. it's not your job. If he calls and the children don't want to speak to him - take the phone over so he can hear their refusal and your attempt at persuasion. Also suggest to him to use whatsapp which is much more likely to get children communicating than all the hassle of a phone call. They could also try Skype chat too.

[temporaryusername]

Obviously he has to go through you if he wants to arrange contact and to speak to the dc on the phone. They are far too young to be able to be relied on to do any of this themselves, and shouldn't even be given the responsibility. There is no reason for you to comply with extra tasks such as finding phones, keeping them charged, making sure the dc hear them. He is choosing not to do his part by having basic, minimal 'contact' with you. If he cared more about his children and less about controlling and having a sulk, that would be helpful. I agree, send an email saying that you are happy to answer your phone when available and let dc know he is calling. Point out you have always done this and encouraged and enabled contact, and will continue if he chooses. However, state simply that his idea of calls to DD's mobile is not a suitable method and that you can't guarantee contact that way. He can go via you, or take his chances. If he replies, just repeat that your position is as already stated.

[TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos]

DH works away in the work. We have a time when we call and we try to text if either of us won't make it. He works somewhere with a shocking signal. The children are tired after school and we can't usually talk till early-evening. It can be extremely difficult to extract anything meaningful from the children. The whole experience is often extremely frustrating, and I am still married to this chap! The Op seems to have been very reasonable and, IMO, the whole situation is now between the Ex and the children. If he really wants to talk to them, he needs the co-operation of the Op answering her phone and passing it over but it is not for her to be running around with the children's mobiles and such-like, nor for the whole household to be hanging around waiting for him I may have had arguments with DH about this. If he cuts out the middle-man, he can't complain if they don't play ball. Silly man.