Facilitating phone calls between ex and dc

[pantone363]

Ex usually phones once a day to speak to the DC. It can be anytime between dinner and bed, sometimes after, sometimes no phone call for days. To be fair the majority of the time he does call and its usually between 6-8pm.

He will usually call my phone, I answer (but don't generally speak to him just call the nearest DC to say goodnight and they pass the phone to siblings when done)

We've had another mammoth falling out this weekend (I won't go into details other than to say it has nothing to do with the phone calls).

However he has text to say he will no longer be calling my phone to speak to the DC as he wants no contact with me. From now on he will be calling DD's phone. He wants me to ensure it is charged and available to them when he rings (from past experience anything less will result in accusations of keeping the DC from him).

Last night DD was doing homework and DS and other DD were playing lego when he rang. I called to DD 'you need to answer your phone daddy is calling'

DD: yeah in a minute (she was doing homework)

Me: no you need to get it now or you'll miss the call.

I also called through to the other DC and they said yeah wait there/no i'm playing.

Not one of them made a move to pick it up or to ring back afterwards despite me reminding them that they had missed his call.

Ex then text saying its not ok for me to use the kids against him and i must ensure they speak with him on the phone when he calls.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and if they don't want to answer then he can take it up with them? Or since I answered my own phone when he rang do I just answer DD's and make them come to the phone?

I feel so caught up in all this petty crap i can't see what is bloody normal anymore.

[LadyLuck10]

Jean. So you have absolutely nothing to say to your children everyday, even if it's the boring usual conversation. How ridiculous to question why a parent wants to speak to their child.

[pantone363]

Partial, I understand what you are saying. However even when he called my phone I had to rally the DC to speak to him. It was an unusual night when all 3 would willingly come to the phone without complaining.

[basgetti]

How ridiculous to question why a parent wants to speak to their child.

It's not ridiculous because if it was genuinely about speaking to his children he would just ring the OP's phone. This sounds more like someone who is enjoying creating aggravation for his ex and attempting to still control to some extent what goes on in her home.

[youmakemydreams]

It's not ridiculous at all to ask.
Ex used to call the dc every day. It was at best a bit of a pain. They had nothing to say every day. They found it boring and intrusive to what they wanted to be doing at that time. He was the same as dad above and never consistently even called at the same time so we couldn't even plan around it andane site they were available when his call was due.

In his case it was to clear his conscience because he can't be arsed to see them more often. In the end I had to suggest he called every couple of days at most give the dc a chance to have news for him.
He calls few times a week now and they are much happier talking to him because they have stuff to say.

[Stupidhead]

Next time answer but don't speak and carry the phone over to your DCs, let him hear their answer as you give them the phone then walk off.

If you can talk to him calmly then explain that they run out of things to tell him on a daily basis and maybe every other day or twice a week might be better for him and them.

[WorraLiberty]

Unless there is a specific reason they don't want to talk to him, he needs to have a word with them about being so rude.

I wouldnt get involved if I were you OP, other than to back him up and let them know it's a horrible way to treat someone, let alone their own Dad.

[LittleMissCrankyPants]

If dinner is ready/you're going out etc, and you call them and they say, 'I'm busy' In a minute' 'later' 'not now' do you let them come whenever or do you make them come. I think its the same thing here. You either get them to do as they're told, or you let them do as they like. You can't let them get away with stuff just because its their dad on the phone and you've no interest in it.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I agree basgetti totally, I see it as a way for him to control the household. If he really wanted to speak to them, he could use the landline. This speaking on the mobile is designed to make things even more difficult for you, as you have to make sure it's charged everyday, it's more ammo to throw at you as what's been happening now. Send him a message saying if he wants to speak to them, he is to call the landline, where on you calling, I will pass the phone to the chikdren. If he really genuinely wanted to speak to them, he would do this.

[pantone363]

Worra, I understand what you are saying. But as an adult I don't always want to answer my phone if I am busy or reading or just don't feel like talking.

Because they are children they have to jump up the second their dad calls?

For example, he went on holiday for a few weeks in the summer (to somewhere with crap signal/wifi). Without exaggeration everyday for 30 minutes I would be running around trying to connect FaceTime calls to iPhones/ipads/skype, they would drop off after one DC had said hello then it would all start again so the other DCs could say hi. Stuttering broken phone calls and trying to rally the kids after they got bored waiting for the signal to pick up. Every bloody day, for two weeks.

This is the extreme end of the scale its true, but still its a necessary pain in the arse every evening.

[pantone363]

We have a landline but no phone connected as there are so many mobiles in the house!

[Aeroflotgirl]

Mabey Pantone it's time to connect tge landline, or have him call your number only, so that you can pass it onto dc. It really sounds like a form control. Even though he is nit there, he is in control. Was he a controlling partner op!

[Aeroflotgirl]

If chikdren really do not want to talk to him every day, message him to say that he could call every 2/3 days so tgat they can gather their news for him.

[Coffeeinapapercup]

It's all hot air. Contact is for the kids benefit not the parent's. They don't want to talk, you can't make them. In our case court ordered phone contact was abandoned IN COURT for this reason.

[Coffeeinapapercup]

Second what other people have said that HE has chosen to cut you out of telephone contact. Shows how much you had done to facilitate contact

[Nanny0gg]

Is it me? I understand that he has behaved badly to the OP, but how many threads on here are about fathers that can't be bothered to speak to their children let alone see them? Unless there is a real backstory with this, this man wants to speak to his children every night and see them twice a week. What's wrong with that?

I think they're being a little bit rude not answering the phone.

And as to Can't imagine what they would discuss on a daily basis anyway.

What do parents discuss with their children every day when they're in the same room? The more you speak, the easier it is to have something to say.

[WorraLiberty]

Because they are children they have to jump up the second their dad calls?

Nobody's talking about 'jumping'.

Just a simple, 'I'm sorry Dad but I can't talk right now' would be polite.

Would you allow them to treat you or their grandparents that way?

[JeanSeberg]

I'm more than capable of having a conversation with my kids, thanks. Just never felt the need to ring them daily after I got divorced. It wouldn't have benefited them in any way as is clearly demonstrated in the OP's example - the kids can't be arsed with it.

[Aeroflotgirl]

It's going to be even more difficult as they get older and have more autonomy as young people. As I see it, op is nit preventing him calling, it is controlling that he blames op for them not answering their personal mobiles, when it's their responsibility not Op.

[JeanSeberg]

And there's a massive difference between chatting with your children when you're in the same house and ringing them for a forced phone chat.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yes op needs to message him to tell him to call op phone so tgat she can give the phone to tge kids to talk to him.

[Aeroflotgirl]

It sounds as though it's a control thing on his part. Yes Mabey they should tell him tgat do not feel like talking right now, to call tomorrow, Mabey he will get the message

[partialderivative]

Partial, I understand what you are saying. However even when he called my phone I had to rally the DC to speak to him. It was an unusual night when all 3 would willingly come to the phone without complaining.

Would you normally let them disregard an instruction of yours? They are 9, 7 and 4. Why are you letting them do as they want?

Or is it only when their dad rings?

[fromparistoberlin73]

aw OP it sounds like even though you have split he is still bullying you

Noiw he longer wants to talk maybe its time to get tough and say

no more communication with me unless its vis email (email this-officially)
if you want to speak to kids, contact them and dont hold me responsible

also maybe start managing and charging their phones. I think in all fianess he needs an opportunity to spoerak to them- have a phone shelf, keep safe and reduce all contact bar emails XXXX

[clam]

I think I would find this an intolerable intrusion on my life, actually. I remember a poster on here once, complaining about her ex insisting on Skype chats on the ipad every evening, and she would turn round to hear his voice, see his face and find him effectively in her kitchen whilst she was cooking the tea. And his OW. It was kind of pissing on her territory.

I think there might be an element of this with this bloke too.

[fromparistoberlin73]

however he is not BU to want to speak to his kids- I think you need to recreate a better system, at the end of the day you have custody and if proactive you can reducxe hisa bullying contact