Facilitating phone calls between ex and dc

[pantone363]

Ex usually phones once a day to speak to the DC. It can be anytime between dinner and bed, sometimes after, sometimes no phone call for days. To be fair the majority of the time he does call and its usually between 6-8pm.

He will usually call my phone, I answer (but don't generally speak to him just call the nearest DC to say goodnight and they pass the phone to siblings when done)

We've had another mammoth falling out this weekend (I won't go into details other than to say it has nothing to do with the phone calls).

However he has text to say he will no longer be calling my phone to speak to the DC as he wants no contact with me. From now on he will be calling DD's phone. He wants me to ensure it is charged and available to them when he rings (from past experience anything less will result in accusations of keeping the DC from him).

Last night DD was doing homework and DS and other DD were playing lego when he rang. I called to DD 'you need to answer your phone daddy is calling'

DD: yeah in a minute (she was doing homework)

Me: no you need to get it now or you'll miss the call.

I also called through to the other DC and they said yeah wait there/no i'm playing.

Not one of them made a move to pick it up or to ring back afterwards despite me reminding them that they had missed his call.

Ex then text saying its not ok for me to use the kids against him and i must ensure they speak with him on the phone when he calls.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and if they don't want to answer then he can take it up with them? Or since I answered my own phone when he rang do I just answer DD's and make them come to the phone?

I feel so caught up in all this petty crap i can't see what is bloody normal anymore.

[TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos]

DH works away in the work. We have a time when we call and we try to text if either of us won't make it. He works somewhere with a shocking signal. The children are tired after school and we can't usually talk till early-evening. It can be extremely difficult to extract anything meaningful from the children. The whole experience is often extremely frustrating, and I am still married to this chap! The Op seems to have been very reasonable and, IMO, the whole situation is now between the Ex and the children. If he really wants to talk to them, he needs the co-operation of the Op answering her phone and passing it over but it is not for her to be running around with the children's mobiles and such-like, nor for the whole household to be hanging around waiting for him I may have had arguments with DH about this. If he cuts out the middle-man, he can't complain if they don't play ball. Silly man.

[temporaryusername]

Obviously he has to go through you if he wants to arrange contact and to speak to the dc on the phone. They are far too young to be able to be relied on to do any of this themselves, and shouldn't even be given the responsibility. There is no reason for you to comply with extra tasks such as finding phones, keeping them charged, making sure the dc hear them. He is choosing not to do his part by having basic, minimal 'contact' with you. If he cared more about his children and less about controlling and having a sulk, that would be helpful. I agree, send an email saying that you are happy to answer your phone when available and let dc know he is calling. Point out you have always done this and encouraged and enabled contact, and will continue if he chooses. However, state simply that his idea of calls to DD's mobile is not a suitable method and that you can't guarantee contact that way. He can go via you, or take his chances. If he replies, just repeat that your position is as already stated.

[Greengrow]

Yes, get it in an email. My ex has not called the children once in about ten years so I do not have that issue but since the youngest were about six he has chosen only to communicate with them not with me which I think is pretty rude but that's his choice. They are quite bright and could access email at age 6 - 7 so it has worked okay. I have played no part in their contact and nor has he asked me to.

If he wants yours to answer their phones then he needs to persuade them. it's not your job. If he calls and the children don't want to speak to him - take the phone over so he can hear their refusal and your attempt at persuasion. Also suggest to him to use whatsapp which is much more likely to get children communicating than all the hassle of a phone call. They could also try Skype chat too.

[Waltermittythesequel]

Put it all in an email.

Tell him you need him to confirm it. If he doesn't confirm it, you're not sending them for access.

Now, this has absolutely nothing to do with teaching him a lesson or putting him in his place or whatever.

But if his behaviour starts adversely affecting the dc's lives (ie school and dentist appointments) then it's not in their best interests to have visits with him.

[ArcheryAnnie]

Then why is it her job to get his kids to speak to him, partial? He can't have it both ways.

[partialderivative]

Yeah - it was him that didn't want her involved in the calls. His choice!

Do you feel that he should always go through the OP in order to speak to his children?

[GoldfishCrackers]

Email everything. Don't even bother talking to him. It's painful for you and he doesn't want it.

I think talking to a parent on the phone is a bit different to eg coming to the table for dinner. Talking to the parent is meant to be for the child's benefit. They don't even get to choose when it happens so it will always be interrupting something. If it's so hard to rally them round it doesn't sound like it's really working for the DC. In fact it could be counterproductive.

You can't be expected to jump as a family every single night just because the phone rings. Email him and suggest either: the DC call him to wish him good night when they feel like it. Or you have a fixed time for him to call you. Personally I would reduce the frequency. My ex called every single night and it was a chore so we reduced frequency. He texts, suggests a time and if that's ok we skype/call.

I can't imagine how I would feel about having to stop doing what I'm doing every single night to answer the phone.

[youmakemydreams]

If great aunt Maud called and the dc said they didn't want to chat on the phone I wouldn't chase them around making them then either. But then great aunt Maud wouldn say oh don't force them because that is what my family are like

There is a huge difference between the daily random chats we have with our dc and a forced daily phone call with someone at some arbitrary time that suits them. Like I said in my situation if ex had even stuck to a consistent time or even actually called at the time he said he would not half an hour or more early then he may have had more success. If I'm in the middle of something I don't always answer my phone either. How many times is it said on Mumsnet a phone call is an invitation to talk not a summons.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

but some other posters sound so dismissive of this father's rights to contact

Yeah - it was him that didn't want her involved in the calls. His choice!

[MillionToOneChances]

Frustrating (very!), but maybe it will motivate the kids to talk to daddy later when he calls?

[pantone363]

Off topic but still regarding the no contact.

Went to take the kids for a walk to the park earlier, DD4 wants her scooter, scooters not in the garden, DS says 'oh Daddy took it the other day when he picked us up' (so ex has removed the scooter after the door has closed).

I don't give a hoot if he wants to borrow the scooter, but he hasn't brought it back. I've called ex to see if he is home so we can go and retrieve scooter, but he cut the call off. Equally I need to ask him if his partner will be there on Fri morning as girls want there hair etc done for superhero day and they want to check if she will be there to do it. I also need to remind him that girls have dentist that he needs to take them to on Friday after school (his access time).

How am I supposed to do that if he refuses to communicate?

[partialderivative]

If any other relative (Great Aunt Maud) rang up and asked to speak to the children, would you let them turn around and say; nah!

[partialderivative]

partial do you regularly force your children to do things they don't want to, the very second you ask them?
OwlCapone

At those ages (remember we are talking about a 4 y/o here) I would expect them to do as they were told; ie answer the phone. It's not a big ask.

They were allowed to procrastinate until the phone call rang out.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Of course he has a right to contact, but the way he is going about it is bad. Op should charge dd phone, keep it with her around the time he is going to call, when he does pass it to one of the kids to speak to without saying anything to him. If they don't want to speak, they can tell him the,selves. Op is doing her best in a difficult situation.

[Hellokittycat]

Id send him a message saying 'I was happy to answer my phone and pass to kids but you said you preferred to call them direct and not have me involved at all. This is why we changed system. If that is not working then please revert to old system of calling my phone and I will again pass to kids'

[wannabestressfree]

We have a home phone that he rings on. He is the only one with the number so I know it's him calling and he is free to call whenever. My sons are older so if they don't pick up then they don't speak to him that day. Simples.

[halfwildlingwoman]

I should clarify OP, your posts seem totally fair, but some other posters sound so dismissive of this father's rights to contact. And more importantly, the DC's rights to a relationship.

[halfwildlingwoman]

I can see that this is awkward and tricky and everything else, but I can't help feel a bit sad about it all. I speak to my children every day and if I am away from them I still speak to them everyday. When DH works away he calls to speak to me and them every day and they always want to say at least just 'hello' and 'I love you'. I really don't think it is controlling of the NR parent to want this.

He sounds UR in other ways, but as a general principle, I can't see why this phone call should be an issue.

[ArcheryAnnie]

He's told you he wants no contact with you. You are doing your bit, according to his (in my view arsey and unpleasant) instructions by telling your kids to answer their dad's calls. I think he can't have it both ways - you've done all the facilitating up until now, but if he's calling his kids direct, then it's up to them if they answer the phone or not.

Write down in a notebook all the conversations you've had with him, copy the texts, etc, and note down when he calls or texts you, and when he calls them, just in case.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I dident say funky tgat he was bullying and controlling when op were together, I asked her whether he was, I don't know obviously.

[pantone363]

In fact for complete fairness his post would be:

'i just want to say goodnight to the kids, its a 5 min phone call out of your day so the kids know i'm thinking about them, stop being difficult for the sake of it'

[pantone363]

I personally don't care about him calling every night, I just don't want to be organising it, having to charge and find phones and having to rally the kids (not all the time obviously).

FaceTime has been banned after the kids were walking around the house with it on, it felt intrusive.

I do feel its a wider pattern of control, not necessarily of me but of the kids. For example, no matter what clothes I send them in (brand new/clean/weather appropriate) he insists they change into his clothes when they get to his. DD 9 particularly hates this if she has chosen her outfit from home. He'll have no argument about it, they get changed.

However this is aside from the phone issue and I don't want to muddy the waters (theres always two sides to every story and i'm sure he would have his own re the phone issue)

[funkyfoam]

'ex wife'

[funkyfoam]

How do we know we was bullying and controlling when he and OP were married- a lot of assumptions being made here. He might just be a dad who misses his children desperately. We have no idea what the major falling out was about, maybe there is a justifiable reason for him not wanting to make contact with his wife any more. This man seems to be getting a lot of stick and it may not be as straight forward as it all seems.

[Waltermittythesequel]

I would text back:

I told them to answer the phone. They didn't. You're welcome to speak to them about it yourself.

And that's it. If he's refusing to be a grown up and let you facilitate it then he can deal with trying to get them to talk!