WIBU to my 5 yr old son over party invite and trick or treating clash

[RachelWatts]

The village where we live has done organised trick or treating around the shops for the last 2 years. We couldn't go last year as we were visiting family, but told DS1 that we would take him if they did it again.

One of his classmates invited him to a birthday party, the timing of which clashed completely with the organised trick or treating.

When we got the invitation I sat him down and explained about the clash and asked which he'd rather go to.

He chose the party so we RSVPd, and chose and wrapped a present.

This morning we were with some other friends who were talking about the trick or treating, and DS1 suddenly felt he'd be missing out, and changed his mind.

I told him tough, it's rude to cancel going to a party just because you'd rather do something else, and dragged him to the party, although I couldn't persuade him to put a costume on.

He had a thoroughly miserable time, and engineered a disagreement with his best friend so he could ask to go.

The friends who'd talked up the trick or treating felt bad for making him feel left out, so called round with their parents and took him round our estate for 20 minutes, and shared the sweets they'd collected at the shops with him.

WIBU to make him go to the party when he said he'd rather do something else? He didn't enjoy himself and possibly fell out with his best friend, and if he'd decided to tantrum instead of sulk he could have spoiled the party for the rest of his classmates instead of just one of them.

[RachelWatts]

I hardly think that my son is going to turn into an out of control drug dealer because I let him go trick or treating after he sulked at a party!

I think expecting a 5 year old to behave graciously when he's been made to go somewhere he doesn't want to be is a big ask. I know some adults who can't manage it.

And my comments about his personality and reactions simply meant that he would see the situation as me making him a deal and then not delivering, even though he'd held up his end. He did exactly as I'd asked, just not with good grace.

And he does indeed owe his friend a huge apology. If he can't bring himself to do that, then I guess he will have lost a friend, which would be a shame.

[Iggly]

He's 5.... I think you're over thinking this a bit.

[LilyPotter]

You know some adults who can't manage to be gracious about going somewhere they don't want to go?

And I wonder how that's working out for them? Perhaps other adults regard them as spoilt and rude. Do you want that for your son?

[ilovesooty]

You did the right thing in making him honour the original commitment. I'm with those who wouldn't have rewarded him later in view of his poor behaviour.

[AcrossthePond55]

No, you're probably right. As I said, today I'm seeing things through a glass darkly.

But I don't think it's too much to expect a 5 year old to behave politely when they don't want to be somewhere is too much to ask. I certainly expected it of my two boys. And neither of them would have picked a fight with a friend to get out of it. I'd say a child who has the capability to understand broken deals and 'not delivering' and that picking a fight would get him out of the party would certainly have that ability.

But, I think there's no point in me saying more and antagonizing you. You'll raise your child as you see fit.

[CombineBananaFister]

Agree you should have made him go to the party if you'd accepted.
Am afraid I wouldn't have let him go trick or treating for engineering a row with his friend, I know he's only 5 but that's unfair on his friend and would have broke the original deal for me.
I bet he's feeling like he had a pretty crap day bless him, but he really needs to learn that you get what you are given when it comes to free treats

[LilyPotter]

"And my comments about his personality and reactions simply meant that he would see the situation as me making him a deal and then not delivering, even though he'd held up his end. He did exactly as I'd asked, just not with good grace."

He may very well see it that way. That doesn't mean you have to go along with it. In fact it's your job to educate him otherwise. And anyway, he didn't exactly hold up his end of the deal. He engineered an upset with his friend (and if that was as deliberate as you seem to think, then I think that is worryingly calculated in a 5 year old), and managed, if I've read it right, to wangle leaving early so he could do what he wanted to do. The fact that it didn't meet his expectations is beside the point. Why are you condoning his bad behaviour by referring to a "crap imitation" of trick-or-treating, not acknowledging your friend's kind attempt to include him and being ungracious yourself about the sweets he was given.

You sound almost ready to apologise to your son for the fact that the evening went wrong. You started out well, by rightly insisting that he go to the party he'd chosen to attend. Then it started to go wrong, but actually you contributed to that, I'm afraid.

[kg00104]

He's 5 for god sake! If he changed his mind and wanted to go trick or treating then that's exactly where I would have taken him. This isn't the time for life lessons, it's a night to be an innocent child. Some of you are such army sergeants..

[whois]

He's 5 for god sake! If he changed his mind and wanted to go trick or treating then that's exactly where I would have taken him.

And sod te birthday boy who was expecting him, and the parents who had paid for a space or could have invited someone else instead of you.,,

Rude rude rude kg hope your my great your friends like that.

[whois]

hope you don't treat your friends

[MissDuke]

I think you did the right thing. I may or may not have agreed to the trick or treating after, hard to say when I wasn't there - but I cannot help thinking it would have been rude to the people who went out of their way to invite him out, which would have made me more likely to let him.

Surely he fell out with his friend simply because he was in a bad mood - which happens! I am sure the friend has bad days too!

[LilyPotter]

"This isn't the time for life lessons,"

No? When is, then? This is exactly the time for "life lessons," aka instilling good manners and behaviour in a child. If you keep ducking it, in no time at all you'll have a hulking great teen on your hands who's out of control.

[Floggingmolly]

I think expecting a 5 year old to behave graciously when he's been made to go somewhere he doesn't want to be is a big ask.
Really? In this particular instance; the "somewhere" is a party which he was happy to go to before he got a better offer You sound extremely lacking in grace yourself, which is probably rubbing off on Little Lord Fauntleroy...
The sheer horror of being made to go to a party against your will!! And being taken trick or treating anyway, but getting shite sweets you don't like!!
From the 5 year old's perspective, this attitude might be slightly understandable, especially from one who always gets his own way. But you're backing him all the way

[BlueberryWafer]

Oh for goodness sake, yet another thread has gone off on a tangent.

OP you did the right thing by insisting he went to the party, and you also did the right thing by letting him go trick or treating for 20 mins. He is only 5 years old.

[LilyPotter]

It hasn't gone off at a tangent. The OP asked if SWBU about insisting he should go to the party. Many on here have said no, that was the right thing to do, to honour the original commitment (as was his choice), and that it was his own poor behaviour that turned the evening into such a miserable time for him.

[LilyPotter]

The only reason people are about the subsequent trick-or-treating bit, is because he deliberately engineered behaviour that meant he left the party early so he could do it, and she went along with it to pacify him, because of his likely reaction if she said no. He then kicked off, as it didn't meet his expectations.
Sorry, but I think that sort of behaviour needs nipping in the bud.

[FTRsGotAShinyNewNN]

I don't think you wbu, he had to learn that in making a commitment to someone to attend an event you would be very rude to then change your mind if a 'better offer' presents itself. As a pp said he's 5 he will get over it as will the best friend he fell out with.

[LilyPotter]

What's he got to get over?

Oh yes, being given fewer sweets than others (not counting all the treats he would have got at the party), and those he was given not coming up to scratch.

Yes, I know that's not unusual behaviour in a 5 year old, but then it's the parent's job to educate him, not pander to it.

[BlueberryWafer]

In reality adults are constantly taking people up on a "better offer" and if you think no one ever does it, you're being extremely naive. Granted it's not the best etiquette, or the kindest thing to do and I'm by no means saying it's the right thing to do, but it happens all the time.

[LilyPotter]

Where has anyone said that no one ever does it? I'm sure they do. Doesn't mean it's not bloody rude, so why not teach your kids better manners? Which, in fairness, the OP tried to do in the first place.

[Floggingmolly]

She did; but she's now doubting herself and convinced she did the wrong thing, and some posters seem at pains to tell her she was wrong and it's perfectly fine to blow off your best friend's party because you suddenly fancied doing something else instead.
It's true that plenty of adults do this, but plenty of adults do all manner of things we don't necessarily want our children to grow up emulating...

[dinodino27]

You did the right thing 100% good manners are so important in life. If you say you will do something you do it.

[addictedtobass]

You did the right thing OP. If this happens again stick with the same but if your son tries the 'being naughty to get out of it and get what he wants' trick again then you have to nip that in the bud.

[kg00104]

Yes and I'm sure the birthday boy and his parents absolutely loved having a miserable, grumpy little boy there who totally didn't want to be.
What, not a single one of you have ever changed your minds?
Some of you clearly just want to assert your authority! Absolutely ridiculous, he changed his mind about a party he said he'd attend cause he realised he'd have a better time trick or treating. Throw him in the stocks! Teach him a valuable lesson about committing himself at 5 years old. His mother could have said he was ill or make excuses Monday at school, no one would have known. Get some perspective.

[Floggingmolly]

He was a miserable grumpy little boy who cast a shadow on the party because he's been led to believe he can have his cake and eat it. He got the trick or treating as well, remember.