last minute wedding invite

[Thurlow]

Aaargh!

A little while ago we had an invite from an old friend to go to their birthday party next weekend. It wasn't really doable so we declined and thought nothing of it.

Now it turns out it's not a birthday party - but a surprise wedding to their partner of 4 months...

DP can't get the day off work at such short notice so he can't go. We can't get anyone to mind the toddler at such short notice. In theory I could go as it says children are welcome, but getting their involves a 40 min train to London, then crossing London on Tube lines that don't all have lifts (DC very much still in a pushchair), then a 15 walk to the venue. I'd have to do this alone as no one else lives this side of London, and can't drive to it.

And then while it says children welcome, I can't think of anyone else who has young children so DD might be the only little one at a wedding I know will involve quite a bit of drinking (well, assuming as pretty much all our mutual friends don't have children yet), and then travelling back on my own with DD later...

Sorry, too much waffle! If it was any other sort of wedding we would make a real effort to go as while friend isn't that close we do go a long way back and have a lot of mutual friends. But it's such short notice and I just can't stomach the thought of all that travelling with a little one.

This is clearly one of those where I want you all to agree with me AIBU to not go? Or should I make the effort eurgh at the thought of Saturday afternoon Tubes with a pushchair

[KoalaDownUnder]

And my parents got married after they'd known each other for three months! Still happily married 40+ years later. It's a bit miserable for people to already be making assumptions about how long it'll last.

[ThursdayLast]

I think if you do the whole "surprise it's not a birthday it's a wedding" thing you have to be prepared that people won't be able to come.

If you don't want to go, don't go.

[scottishmummy]

Ok,can you be straight with them it's a transport issue,do they have pal with car?
I do understand it's a big journey.ask if they have suggestion/assistance with transport

[capant]

Don't go if you don't want to, but just say you can't go. Don't say you can't go because you need more notice and because of the travelling. Some people would understand, and some would see it as an excuse.

[FrootLoopy]

When I lived in London we traipsed around on the tube systems with DS1 all the time. He loved it, and was great on the trains. Now we've moved out of London, we would have the same sort of trip you describe.

I would do it for someone/something really important to me but wouldn't just as an obligation.

When children travel on trains etc a lot, from a young age, they are quite adaptable to it, and it's not as difficult. When they rarely travel in this way, it is quite disruptive and it doesn't take much to set them off, either a tantrum, getting hyperactive, or just a general bad mood.

Combine that with a grown up party and really, I don't blame you for not wanting to go.

[cankles]

This sounds like a nightmare and I just wouldn't be bothered. Give card, pressie and arrange to meet up when they get back from honeymoon etc

[EllaFitzgerald]

I don't think you'd be unreasonable not to go. You're not particularly close. You've already declined, so it's not as though they'd be expecting you, and they may already have invited someone else in your 'place'.

Do they know that the secret is out? If so, I'd send a card and a small gift and leave it at that.

[TinyDancingHoofer]

I would go, it's a one off not an every week thing. Four hours of travelling is not great but I would hope my friends would do it for me so I would do it for them. Surely you'd like to see everyone?

[maninawomansworld]

Don't bother.

[Thurlow]

I do always enjoy the sense that if someone is happy to do something, everyone else should be happy to do the same thing too. But I know DD will be a nightmare after 4 hours of travelling - though I accept we need to probably do it a bit more so she gets used to it.

Sadly no one this side of London with a car. With a car I wouldn't think twice, it would be a lot easier and I know DD would get a decent sleep on the way.

(Koala, friend told another friend it was actually going to be a wedding not a birthday, and that friend then told DP, as they knew he wouldn't be able to go. Also because secrets never stay secret when you've told anyone!)

[scottishmummy]

Have you been completely straight to pal.cant come because of transport issues?
Can she call any mates to assist with transport,could you split minicab costs?

[watchingthedetectives]

It's no big deal to get there - tubes will be relatively quiet on a Saturday.

The issue seems that you don't really want to go - so don't go, but making a big song and dance about getting there doesn't justify it.

[cherrybombxo]

I think it's supposed to be a surprise for everyone else, not the bride and groom. Though a few people have been told which is how the secret has got out!

Oh thank GOD, I thought the groom was surprising the bride with a wedding! That could have ended horribly!

[HappyAgainOneDay]

In this friendship group, does any one of them live anywhere near you? If so, would a lift be available? That would mean less public transport for you.

[Laquitar]

I would go out of curiosity.

I have never been to a surprise wedding!

I am in London, you can give me the details and i will represent you?? (I like weddings and i like free food and drink)

[BookABooSue]

I'd go. It's too easy to get into the habit of saying 'no' to invitations because you have a DC and then when your DC is out of the difficult travelling stage you'll have lost contact with your friends.

Can't you get your DP to join you once he finishes work? Then you could manage the journey home together.

[Thurlow]

Laquiter. A surprise wedding for either the bride or groom would be pretty entertaining, wouldn't it? I mean, I am assuming they both know about it. I only know my friend knows it is a wedding. I hope they both do!

DP can't come as he is working 2-11, sadly.

Does no one else have that thing where you are 50/50 on something in the first place? I like this friend and our mutual friends, but when I went to a party of theirs a few years ago we didn't really have anything in common with their other friends (i.e. ones they've made since leaving uni)

I know none of our friends live this side of London but I haven't checked whether any of the groom's friends live this side and might be traveling on the Tube from our train station - I'll ask, because that would make things easier.

[Legionofboom]

I say don't go, but not for this reason...

Getting married after 4 months?!! Oh dear...yanbu to not to go as the marriage is clearly doomed from the start

because this is a stupid comment.

[mommy2ash]

what is a surprise wedding? who doesn't know it's a wedding the guests or one of the couple. if it's one of the couple I would have to go sounds hilarious

[Thurlow]

It's where the guests don't know. Though I don't know how many guests don't know, as the secret has got out around some people. They might have told everyone now. But so far the emails have just said it's a birthday party.

[scottishmummy]

Just be straight with bride.transport is problematic
have a candid straight conversation how to address this issue
Can cab be booked for multi drop off /pick up,you share costs with guests

[Thurlow]

Good idea, sm. Will tell her that we'd love to come but it's problematic all that way on my own with small child, so if they know anyone in that area who can share costs that would help a lot.

[scottishmummy]

Well,yes.given as you say shes an old friend.so there'll be no issue with candid