To put DH in pee therapy

[fleetfoot]

DH, otherwise normal-ish, when drunk pisses anywhere but the loo. Into radiators, bottles, wardrobes, beds... Just caught him, 3am, dick in box of Kleenex on the windowsill (right next to the bathroom). Oh and he will only pee in the sink not loo when sober but that's a whole other thread. So what is this pee psychopathology and what can we do about it?!

Forallthesaints How on earth is threatening the destruction of her DH's career possibly proportionate or appropriate to his pissing in the sink (which seems to be due to a phobia, which is a mental health condition requiring treatment)? Whilst his career is obviously important here in him getting better, fear is not how you build a relationship, whether the threat is real or not.

I feel sorry for you DH, OP. I think he does need some serious therapy, and if he is doing this at work I think maybe he needs to be reminded that this could be considered gross negligence and could cause him to be struck off or even lose his license to practice. I hope that you can work something out, this does sound pretty gross.

He's an adult, apparently an intelligent one. He must know this is not acceptable. Nevertheless he chooses to continue doing it, massively disrespectful. It his his responsibility not yours to make him stop. You are not his mother to toilet train him.

I'm actually not that fussed about an occasional sink wee, if needs must, but this is a toilet phobia, and it needs to be dealt with. Sounds like when he's drunk his normal coping strategies (ie the sink) fail him and he just goes wherever, as long as it's not a toilet. So I suspect if you deal with the toilet problem, you might see improvement in the drunk/everywhere else problem.

Is he open to seeing a counsellor? Because that would be my first suggestion and I think the best idea by far. If he's not, is he open to trying to fix the problem himself? If so, one thing you could try is a gradual process of acclimatisation.

Since he's capable of using a toilet sometimes, I wonder if what's scaring him is looking down the toilet, when he's facing it to wee? If so, suggest a sit and wee?

But if that's not going to work, what I'd do is something a lot like what you might do with a DC. Buy a potty. If he finds that demeaning or scary (which he might!) then just find a receptacle that he finds unthreatening and that is big enough to hold his wee. Ice cream container might do, or a nice big pickle jar.

Get him to decide how close to the toilet he is comfortable with being when he wees. Perhaps he's ok standing in 'position' with the seat down? Perhaps he needs to be at the sink? It doesn't matter to begin with. Now, every time he wees, he stands in this 'comfortable' place, and wees in the container. Then he empties the container into the loo. This might be hard at first, and you might have to do it in stages - ie, he may be emptying the container down the sink for a while.

Then, depending how close to the toilet he was to begin with, he GRADUALLY moves closer and closer. Tiny steps, really, nothing that causes a major freakout - just stay at the comfortable level and keep attempting the next one up until it happens.

Aim is to eventually be standing in front of the toilet, with the seat up, weeing in the container. After that, it's just a matter of losing the container.

This will take a while, mostly likely, and he will have to want to do it, and I do think seeing a counsellor would be a better idea - but as a strategy for coping with phobias of all kinds it's fairly common, and I have had it work for me with things other than toilets.

He's an adult, apparently an intelligent one. He must know this is not acceptable. Nevertheless he chooses to continue doing it, massively disrespectful

It does sound like he has a genuine phobia of the toilet though.

And you wouldn't say the above about someone who is scared of flying, or scared of spiders or something?

It does need to be sorted it though. Have you had a frank and honest conversation with him about why, how it makes you feel etc? Would he go for counselling/CBT?

Who cleans up his piss when he does his drunk wees?

Genuine connection because he's repeatedly been in a situation where this behaviour is not just tolerated but encouraged and rewarded. Very far from what you suggested, Partridge.

Thanks Shaska, that kind of practical approach makes a lot of sense. Appreciate your care setting it out.

whois if your phobia is impacting on your relationship though! surely you would try and sort it out.

What about installing one of those bathroom latrine things that are quite trendy now?

Get him a litter tray?

OP two questions:

how often does he bleach the sink?

do your visitors know that he pees in the sink?

Sorry, OP. My OH could be the nicest, kindest most generous man in the world - but if he did this, I would leave him.

That probably makes me intolerant but a grown man peeing anywhere but the loo is unacceptable.

He needs to be catheterised. The responsibility will then be taken out of his hands and he can get on with his day.

Of course, if he has a toilet phobia, them you'll need to empty his catheter bag on a regular basis.

I know someone whose husband gets so drunk he wets the bed.

She takes a rubber sheet if they stay over or go on holiday.

He isn't remotely embarrassed the next day when she wakes up wet and has to bring wet sheets down.

I simply wouldn't put up with this.

Lots of the lads in my halls at university (well known, big medical school) peed in their room sink as they cba to walk to the bathroom. He's just turned this into a lifetime if not peeing in the appropriate place.

He needs to work out how to return to using a toilet, be that counselling, self help or just getting a more appropriate receptacle.

My EXH is an alcoholic and I have known him to be so f*** drunk that he passed out on the couch and wet himself. Also so out of it that he opened the wardrobe door and peed over my shoes one night. Another time shagged my large pooh bear then pissed on poor Winnie. He fell downstairs and went head first through the door of the downstairs loo so consequently shit himself. All these incidents drink related. Oh I forgot he also shagged the rug in the lounge. Good God I don't know how I put up with it. Obviously now divorced. Pooh bear never recovered so now have a new one

Oh sugar21, I am so sorry because I know you must have had a truly awful time ... but I just came very, very close to wetting myself as I read of the fate of pooh bear.

OP - who cleans the sink/s he pees in, you or him? or do you have a cleaner? How often is it/are they cleaned? Are people washing their hands, wetting their flannels and cleaning their teeth in a pissy sink or is there one kept separate for this purpose?
I am genuinely boggled that a reasonably intelligent person would choose to pee in the sink when a perfectly good loo is right next to it!

If he is a doctor, just say if he does it again you will go to the surgery, hospital or wherever he works and recount the tale to those present in a loud voice.

Yes, public humiliation and threats are a sure fire way to cure anxiety.

He needs therapy if he's afraid to pee in the toilet. I can't imagine that this is fun for him either. It could be a form of OCD. In any case, catering to his anxiety and avoiding the toilet is only reinforcing that it's a valid fear in his brain.

Oh, and where does he pee at work?? Surely he doesn't hold it all day?

Although I don't think shaming him in front of work colleagues is the way to go, he should treat his family with the same respect as his colleagues and behave appropriately at home as well as at work. If this is something he wouldn't want his colleagues to know about then he knows it's unacceptable behaviour, so why does he inflict it on his family? He may have a phobia but he has a responsibility to seek help to stop his behaviour impacting on his family. I think people who suggested shock tactics were just frustrated that he doesn't seem to see this as a problem and hasn't sought help to stop it.

He needs to do something about it. Don't put up with it and make t into your problem. It's his, he needs to sort it out. It's not acceptable to force his behaviour on others.

Success: we talked this through, via (edited) highlights of your comments, and he's finally agreed it's time to sort it out. No sink pees yesterday. Think there's hope.

Wait, you have one talk about this and he's cured? I thought he had a phobia. He will need therapy to treat his condition surely?

I'm so glad you've discussed this and he's listened to you. I would be surprised if it's that simple though. It got to the stage of you kicking him out so surely you have discussed it before and he was aware you were unhappy. If the solution was as simple as him peeing in the toilet why did he not just do it before?

Fairenuff makes a valid point. Not much of a phobia, is it?