Aibu to be upset my mum does not want to live with us

[Stresshead123]

I am upset with my mum as my dh & I asked if she would like for us both to sell our houses & buy a big house together (ours worth twice as much as theirs). My parents stay at their static caravan for 9/10 months of the year which they love they are mid 60,s. I have a brother with mental health problems who lives with them (but doesnt go to their van with them) he isn't much bother but has agoraphobia/depression etc. We are worried for the future if my parents stay in their house as if need a carehome etc what will happen to my brother if they go in a care home etc plus it's 15 miles from where we live & I know I am going to be driving back & forth etc as they age to help them/& brother. Also I have an autistic son who takes a lot of my time. When we put forward the idea & how much it would save them in gas/electric bills etc my mum said "she couldn't live with me" & that really upset me. In my & dh eyes it would be perfect solution my brother would benefit, my dad is all up for the idea as they don't live in a great area & their house is very small & no central heating. We had reassured mum that we would get mortgage protection plus pay off mortgage in 10 years so we would be secure. If we lived together the money they saved would help with upgrading their caravan, give them a good quality of life. It's not about money but I know that I am going to be left to deal with everything at some point in the future if anything happens to their health.Am I being unreasonable to be upset she doesnt want to live with us?

[DoItTooJulia]

Lone voice here in thinking you are being eminently sensible!

And I'm not surprised your hurt, but if they don't want to, they don't want to.

[diddl]

How old is your brother & your kids?

If your parents go into a care home, there might be some way of fitting your brother in with you.

[Stresshead123]

My motives are not from a bad place humble pie! I arnt materialistic & love the home I have, this all stemmed from my mum having health problems & always stating she never wants to go in home.

[Stresshead123]

My brother is 40 & if parents end up In a carehome he will be homeless, that was another one of the reasons we suggested it as there is no space for him here as my husband has to use the 4th bed for an office & no room to extend

[Mrsjayy]

Your brother must manage when they are the caravan who looks after him then you are trying to control a situation that hasnt happened yet it is coming from a good place but your place iyswim dont take it personally. Fwiw my mum would hate to live with u s too

[mummytime]

If your parents end up in a care home - your parents house will not necessarily be sold to pay for it, he will still have to be housed. Having lived there long term he has rights, especially if they made some of it over to him.

Yes now is a good time to look at long term solutions, where he will live eventually. But it doesn't have to be with you. That may not be the best place for him.

[Mrsjayy]

Maybe they will need to sel the house for care

[Mrsjayy]

But your brother mig ht not be homeless

[MyFairyKing]

But it doesn't sound like she is anywhere near needing to be admitted to a care home, so I can see why she probably thinks you're jumping the gun!

[Surfsup1]

MAybe so you can move on from the current stale-mate you could simply ask your mother how she foresees her future? How does she imagine she will cope in her old age if she does not want to go into a home and will not live with you? She may have clear plans.
I would think that given your brother's situation they would necessarily have had to give this matter a lot of thought already.
If they haven't then at least you can get them started.

[pootlebug]

Your parents are only in their mid-60s. My parents are the same age and would be most bemused if I suggested we all move in together for the same type of reasons, as I think they imagine themselves living independently for a very long time yet.

I know you're trying to plan ahead, but you might well not need to consider this whole idea until your own children are grown up, at which point the type/size of house you'd need to share with your parents would be completely different anyway.

[Mrsjayy]

Your children could be grown up by the time your parents need care my parents are still working mum part time but not in the least bit elderly your mum could stil be around in her 80s that is 20 years away.

[Stresshead123]

Thanks getting some good advice, my parents are in denial regarding my brother, they just say he will be fine, i asked my mum if she had thought about putting the house in my brothers name or even his part name so he is protected but they arnt interested. With my mums health & her keeping stating she only has 3 years to live I am panicking I guess.

[weatherall]

Well, the rules might have changed recently to I'd look it up if I were you but it used to be that the house wouldn't be sold to pay for care if someone was still living there. So he wouldn't become homeless.

Only 1 in 7 older people end up in residential care. So the chances are they won't.

However they may want to sell it if it gives them more money to pay for a more expensive care home.

[Stresshead123]

Yes your right that's a good point actually.(Although my son may never leave due to SNeeds)

[Chiana]

OP, if your mum is saying she only has three years to live, no wonder you're freaking out! However, your mum may be misinformed or dramatising. Rheumatoid arthritis is very painful but it's generally a gradual degenerative condition. We're not talking cancer here. And if she's still running around in a caravan and doing your brothers ironing, it sounds like she's in the early stages.

[2rebecca]

3 years to live seems a strange number for her to focus on. I doubt anyone medical has told her that and RA is usually a disabling condition but often burns out as you get older anyway. She sounds a bit melodramatic and manipulative to keep telling her relatives she's going to die soon. Statistically she'll outlive your father.

[notinagreatplace]

I'm a bit confused about your brother in that you say that your mum still needs to do a lot for him (prescriptions and laundry) but also that your parents spend most of the year in their caravan which your brother doesn't join them in. Do your parents go home every few days or something to check on him? I'm just trying to figure out how independent he is.

I think you're right to leave it for now. I think you may want to raise the issue again at some point in the future but I would suggest that you try to discuss it with your parents and brother in a more collaborative way and be open to other options and solutions. I think part of the issue this time may well have been that you went some way towards planning a future (to the point of thinking about things like payment protection insurance and scoping out a particular property) for you all without really involving anyone else in the process. I think most people would feel quite patronised by that - even if your parents were keen to move in with you, they would probably want to talk through all of the financial stuff, look at houses together, etc. I think you may have come across as steamrollering them, even if you didn't mean to.

[Stresshead123]

Hi Notinagreat place, your right regarding my brother my parents come home for 2 days a week to sort brother (their van isn't far away & call me if there is anything urgent he needs). When my dh asked them he just asked them to take time to think about it, but I can understand what you mean they may have thought I was being patronising. My mum has said in the past that if anything happens to my dad she will sell up & rent near to us (with my brother etc). I know that sounds negative about my dad but we do have serious concerns regarding his health. (Dont really want to mention on here as it's too personal etc but it's not cancer or terminal illness).

[MexicanSpringtime]

Uff. So your mother doesn't want to be put in a care home and yet doesn't want to live with you. She sees to have put you between a rock and a hard place, OP.
And I can see you are trying to do the right thing by them.

[MostWicked]

3 years to live doesn't make any sense with RA. It's not a terminal condition and can be quite manageable with the right medication.

[diddl]

"So your mother doesn't want to be put in a care home and yet doesn't want to live with you. She sees to have put you between a rock and a hard place, OP. "

How so?

[AMumInScotland]

Your mum sounds rather 'over-dramatic' about things, saying she 'never wants to go into a home' and expects to be dead in three years, but equally that she couldn't consider moving in with you.

Do you think maybe she just likes the drama, rather than wanting you to suggest actual solutions?

It sounds like you are running around trying to solve something that she doesn't want solved - at first I assumed she just felt too young to start thinking about that sort of issue - my mum is mid-70s and still has no intention of changing how she lives, downsizing, thinking about 'what if' etc. But at the same time, it sounds very emotive to keep saying she only has 3 years if RA is her main health problem.

[Stresshead123]

The 3 years thing is something to do with her meds she says (I think it methatrexine) my dh says she is being dramatic & will prob live till she is 100 & outlive him! but she was quite ill when she first was diagnosed a few years ago. I am just going to leave things now & not mention it again . I think the posts on here are right as its prob too soon unless her/his health declines.

[MostWicked]

The meds for RH can make people quite ill, especially in the early days, and they are serious meds but they don't kill people in 3 years!! She will be having regular blood tests to check for any problems.
My DH has been on methotrexate for about 8 years now and is doing really well on it. I have a friend who has been on it for over 10 years.
It is a long term treatment. She is either being over dramatic or really doesn't understand her condition or her meds.